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So I have discovered that dating and relationships is still the rotting shit storm it was when I exited 20+ years ago.  What I never expected was how ill prepared I was for it all.  Now that it has imploded, I'm licking my wounds and assessing what I did wrong.  Like, just about everything.  I am working on stitching up the gaping wounds and making myself whole again.  

Of course, this means new art in the works once I slow down long enough.  Three jobs are just way too many.  Need to fix this...

Ja-ne!

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Still working on this latest commission piece, can't post until it has been delivered, but may post the roughs.

Meanwhile, in other news, the heart seems to have managed to flit away when I wasn't looking.  It's going to be a tough task to meet the little bugger and lock it back up again.  It does me no good for it to be on the loose like this...

Kalmia

Journal Entry: Sat Apr 5, 2014, 9:58 AM
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It's still a tough road, but slowly improving.  I am making baby steps towards recovering my life.  It's been quite a struggle.

I've had to clean up lots of messy business he left behind.  For those of you who might be contemplating hoarding, my advice is don't.  Someday, someone will have to deal with your crap, and it won't be pretty.  And they won't appreciate any of it any more than you did.

On the bright side, I opened commissions last month and have been getting some work.  Not a lot, but it's a start.  I have been keeping drawing and am feeling pretty confident these days.  Still haven't gotten my painting program up and rolling again yet, but it will happen.

Also, I am signed up to run a half marathon later this year, which means my lard ass has been working out a lot more, and consistently.  A goal makes the fitness business easier to deal with.  And my big dog appreciates the exercise and bonding time.

Riding has had to take a back seat since the weather has been very strange, and I need to get the horse's feet done.  The arena is a big, soggy patch of grass at the moment, as well...

Hope everyone out there is doing well!

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Gackt
  • Watching: Spice and Wolf

Fragrance

Journal Entry: Sat Jan 18, 2014, 1:54 PM
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Another Gackt song journal title, but this one is special.  That particular song has had a very calming effect in an otherwise tumultuous time.

A year has passed.  The wounds still ache, and the legal wrangling drags on.  Not something of my doing.  I finally handed it off to be dealt with and have found a measure of peace.  I have grown accustomed to my life as it is now.

I started drawing again towards the end of last year, at last.  Most of the drawings have been of a single subject, yes.  I was determined to capture a true likeness of Gackt before moving on.  Why?  Because his voice has been the most comforting thing in my insane world.  Sometimes, a song would make me cry as the sound and lyrics seemed to hit a bit close to home.  I've since gone on to other subjects but that voice is the one in my ears, and in my head, that reminds me to keep moving forward.

With that said, I have new stuff to upload, just trying to work things out between my phone and the computer.  I now take photos of my work with my phone but posting to dA from my phone is a real pain in the ass.  Hopefully, I can work things out so that it is easier.  All of the work I've been doing is traditional pencil  sketches, and the scanner I have tends to butcher my work...

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Gackt
  • Watching: Sword Art Online
Weeping.  Done a lot of that in the last 9 months now.  It is slowly creeping up on a year.  Life has changed and moved on. 

Have a new job now.  Not in the appraisal industry...rather sad after all I went through to get my license, but I gotta survive.  I did spend the last six weeks working seven day weeks, but have finally finished with that.  Only bright spot was spending a lot of time in Santa Cruz, which is a mixed blessing.

Ja-ne!
  • Listening to: Kalafina
  • Watching: Sword Art Online
Because a bit of Versailles PQ always helps.

Finally got around to reorganizing my bedroom and making it my own.   Feels strange after 15 years to have that space all to myself again.  I actually put some of my own art up in hopes of regaining some inspiration.   Can't hurt...

It is very quiet now.  The aftermath of the funeral has passed, and many folks are able to go on with their lives as if nothing happened.  Wish I could but that is not in the cards for me.  I still have to figure out how to survive moving forward...

Ja-ne.
  • Listening to: Versailles PQ
  • Watching: FMA Brotherhood
That song title from X-Japan didn't mean so much before.  It does now.  I feel like I wander through the world, not really part of it, just a phantom.  Or a hamster in a hamster ball.  Either way, I move through the world but not quite interacting with it.  I have days that I wish I could just scream myself hoarse but nothing comes out.  Life is trying to move on but it is really hard.  Something is missing, deep in my soul.  He took it with him and I can't seem to fix it.

So I must work on moving forward.  I have to retake my state exam so I have to find enough balance to study and make it happen.  Drawing is not happening.  It just isn't there.   That was a big surprise since I always draw in times of emotional upheaval, but not this time.  I think I'm still too broken yet...

Ja-ne
  • Listening to: Versailles PQ
  • Watching: FMA Brotherhood
It has been a sad start to a new year.  My husband of 11 years passed away on Friday after a rough trip to the hospital with heart failure and liver failure, on top of his previously failed kidneys.  I will likely be away for a while, but when I come back I will likely have new work at last.   Sad times bring it out.

To all my dA friends,  I hope that the new year is being much kinder!

Ja-ne!
  • Listening to: Versailles PQ
  • Watching: FMA Brotherhood
Yes, I have crawled back after being awol for so long.  I have sworn off Facebook for now, and will likely be here a bit more.

I am getting ready for my licensing exam, quite a scary prospect, and am keeping my fingers crossed that I clear that hurdle cleanly.  Once done with that, I will finally have time for art again.  Need to finish up the portrait of *Village Prince, and I have a new cosplay to tinker on.

So, wish me luck on my test!

Ja-ne!
  • Listening to: Versailles PQ
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Watching: FMA Brotherhood
  • Drinking: Lots of water!

Amorphous

Journal Entry: Fri Jun 15, 2012, 12:07 AM
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Because I really need to be able to flow with things...

Am finally done with my course work, and passed all of my finals.  Now, it's time to get ready for the state exam...:faint:

Been listening to all kinds of new stuff, or at least new for me.  Love Versailles and Onmyouza!  Most recently, I've been listening to the 'Game of Thrones' soundtrack...makes me want to dance with my equine partners again.

So, no new art yet.  Got lots of work to do and the exam to prep for, but soon.

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Versailles PQ
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Watching: FMA Brotherhood
  • Drinking: Lots of water!

Unfinished

Journal Entry: Wed Dec 7, 2011, 11:51 PM
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Yup, seems like the story of my life at times.  It will begin in a lovely, smooth progression full of fire and passion, only to descend into a jumble of discordant racket.  

Spent my Thanksgiving weekend sick.  It sucked.  The real high point was getting Final Fantasy VII downloaded onto my PS3...spent those long boring hours with a box of tissue, a cup of hot tea, and Cloud...*swoon*  Okay, so he's still just a little pixelated dude but he's still my fave.  And did I mention that I luffs my son...he's the best!

Got to take finals for my appraisal course soon, too.  One of them needs to be completed before the end of the year, so I'm working hard.  Got to review now that I'm a bit more, well, myself.  Unfortunately, it means that drawing will have to wait for a bit.

So, hide must wait, along with Atsushi Sakurai (Buck Tick) and I have a lovely reference for a rejoneador.  *sigh*

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: X Japan
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Drinking: Hot tea

Amethyst

Journal Entry: Fri Nov 18, 2011, 8:32 PM
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Beautiful and melodic...nothing like myself at the moment.

I want to draw right now, it's a pretty serious itch.  I've got a bit of a break in my course to review for my USPAP final next week.  Time is on my side for a change.

So, what am I doing?  Trying to decide what to draw.  I know which faces tug at me, and I really want to go there, but I really have to choose.  Guess it will come down to finding an image that seizes me.  The usual suspects lurk in my computer, but I may have to go searching for that gut-kick that I need.

Meanwhile, I'm leading the karate students in a parade tomorrow.  The grandmaster is not available, and I've got parade experience, so I volunteered...sure hope it doesn't rain!

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: X Japan
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Drinking: Coffee!!

Solitary

Journal Entry: Mon Oct 31, 2011, 8:06 PM
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Well, I suspect my muse has slipped away again...gave her pretties, and treats, but alas no pleasing her.

So, here I am on Samhain eve, wishing I could draw.  It's almost time for my yearly screening of 'The Crow' and I can feel things shifting.  It is, after all, the one night of the year when the veil between the worlds is thinnest.  So many loved one on the other side now.  The silence on this side is deafening.

So, I'll go have my emotional moment, and wait for it all to pass quietly into next year.

And fight to get my school work done...

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: X Japan
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Drinking: Coffee!!

Rose of Pain

Journal Entry: Sun Oct 16, 2011, 6:51 PM
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Still on an X Japan binge, and the art keeps coming.

I finished up an old drawing that had sat around collecting dust for about a month.  I am very particular about my references, and this one was of Gackt playing Uesugi Kenshin in Furin Kazan.  I stumbled with it at first, not sure how I was going to pull it off.

Then Yoshiki took my attention away.  As previously stated, I was determined to find an image of his eyes...he keeps his eyes either hidden or away from the camera most of the time.  When I finally found the right image, it was like a gut punch.  So much expression in that moment in time.  I was almost manic to draw it.  Only thing that would have been better would have been to find an image from his piano performance for the Emperor...there was a moment when he glanced up at the Imperial couple, just a flash of his eyes.  I've tried to even capture it to work with but it is so fleeting, and so full of emotion in that split second.

Yes, I'm a sucker for those fleeting moments when someone shows their humanity and their soul.  It's why I love to draw eyes.  Dave Mustaine's keen mind showing through his, Hetfield's isolation and loneliness showing through his, Yoshiki's gentle soul showing through his...all of those moments beg my attention.  

But some people shutter their eyes, behind sunglasses and indirect looks.  Often coloured contacts have the same effect...hiding one's true eyes.  I know, I've worn colured contacts.  There is a sense of anonymity when people don't see your true eyes.

Which brings me back around to Gackt.  The man revels in his coloured lenses, which looks cool, but leaves me chases shadows...nothing has grabbed my attention yet enough to draw.   

Darnit!

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: X Japan
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Drinking: Coffee!!

Future

Journal Entry: Sat Oct 15, 2011, 1:29 AM
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The seasons are changing.  I spent several hours cleaning up my studio/office, with a lot of help and encouragement from my stepson.  Threw away a lot of meaningless junk, and I am ready to get back to my art.  Oh, and found my missing red chalk pencil, too.  Too late for the Yoshiki drawing, but at least I found it.  Coulda swore I had more than one...

Meanwhile, still struggling with what to do next artistically.  Nothing has grabbed my attention yet...either that or my muse has slipped away to Tahiti once again.  *grumble*  I'll have to keep looking, darnit.

My coursework hit a roadblock last night.  Got into the course I've been working on, the one that I have to compete before the end of the year, only to have it lock up halfway through the chapter.  I've really got to get done so I can test for my license.

Back to searching...

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Namie Amuro
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Drinking: water

Noesis

Journal Entry: Mon Oct 3, 2011, 8:55 PM
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I've been exploring my art from the intellectual perspective.  It is such a seemingly wild and uncontrolled thing, my flashes of inspiration.

Take my current dilemma for example.  I have taken a fancy to Gackt...love his music, his sense of humour, and his beauty.  Can't seem to get a single bit of inspiration to draw him, and not from lack of want.  Yoshiki, on the other hand, became a burning need to draw and I churned it out in a matter of a few hours.  Hmm.  Seems odd, does it not?

As I was looking for a reference, I remember that it was imperative that I could see Yoshiki's eyes...not through sunglasses, as he usually wears, or looking down which he also tends to do.  I wanted to see the colour of his eyes.  The photo I found literally took my breath away.  In it, I saw quite a bit.  The eyes that showed a hint of sadness, the hand playing with his hair which he does when he is uncomfortable, and the expression as a whole that showed a sensitive soul trying to hide.  It hit a resonating note with me, having so recently lost my mom, who was the only person I ever let see the real me.  It felt like a reflection.  I had to draw it.

So, now I still search for the right image of Gackt-san.  Not the flashy Gackt with his true eyes hidden behind coloured contacts.  I found a very nice still from 'Bunraku' but it still hasn't seized me.  I keep looking...

In the process, I realize that the subjects I choose, and the references I use, always have a very emotional depth.  Sometimes, the emotion in the photo is obscure, but I see it in the expression and the eyes.  But when I do find an image that I will draw, it seizes me and the desire to draw becomes a burning consumption.  And I find that the process of drawing then, in turn, helps balance my mind.  It is one thing that can't be taken from me.

Mom would be proud.

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Gackt
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Drinking: water

Ash

Journal Entry: Thu Sep 29, 2011, 8:41 PM
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So, I've gotten into the habit of naming my journal entries after songs.  I'll leave it up to you to interpret where this one came from...

I'm starting to chafe at the restriction of no art while I'm taking my appraisal course.  It is really getting to me.  I've got such an overwhelming urge to draw right now...the hauntingly beautiful Yoshiki really comes to mind.  I can already see it in my mind.  I have my reference photos, and am dying to get my red chalk pencils and get to work.  But earning a living then also comes to mind, and my ardor to draw cools quite a bit.  

It's tough to take time away to learn a new skill set.  It is completely diametrically opposite my artwork, which is likely a good thing, but I still get distracted by the desire to draw.  

Life, meanwhile, has been a roller coaster ride.  Itoshii is doing okay for now, has had a couple of brushes with staph infections and lost half of his remaining foot.  Suffice it to say, he no longer works.  Has it's down side...he is constantly under foot!  Which means that I go work outside the home to help make up for his missing income--being on Social Security is a joke!  And I get the bonus of a break from him.  But his health is pretty stable right now.

In case I hadn't mentioned it before, my mom passed in April.  It's been a challenge keeping Dad from getting depressed, dealing with my own emotions, and trying to function like nothing is wrong.  Had a few times that I lost it.  Dad gave me Mom's car, a 1975 Jensen Healey.  It was Mom's baby and I really want to get it back on the road, but I cried when we finally got it home.  And my birthday was really depressing this year because Mom wasn't there to send me a birthday card...she never missed.
sending me one.  

But I am moving forward, despite my hardships.  Been listening to lots of j-rock, addicted to Gackt and X Japan.  Gotta love a band whose leader buys up the studio he wants when Metallica wouldn't let him have any time!  Got out to a couple of dressage shows this year with my new partner, and my mare is coming back together and reminding me why I love her.  And I'll get the car back on the road, I'm sure of that!

Now, it's time to get some work done, and maybe get started on cleaning up the house...holidays aren't far enough away.

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Blue Blood - X Japan
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Drinking: water

Awol

Journal Entry: Fri May 20, 2011, 11:04 PM
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Good description of my status lately...

Still working on my coursework, but got a gut kick last month when my mom passed away.  Sure, she was actually my step mom, but she was always a mother and a friend, and was always there for me through thick and thin.  She encouraged me to keep doing my art when I got discouraged, and inspired me when I was young to keep reaching to improve myself.  As I look around my home, I see her touch in so many things...my love for anime was even nurtured by her inadvertantly!  I would get up really early in the morning when I would go visit my parents on the weekends as a child, just so I could watch 'Speed Racer' and she never told me no.  She taught me how to sew, and showed me how to create in fabric even when there was no pattern.  She used to make the most delightful stuffed animals with clothes, and so incredibly detailed.  

The void she left behind won't ever be filled...

Miss you, Mom!  Love you.

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Chrono Cross remixes
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Watching: Argento Soma
  • Eating: tortilla soup
  • Drinking: water

Success!!

Journal Entry: Fri Mar 4, 2011, 9:57 PM
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Finally got around to getting my Premium membership back...woot!   Seems like a small thing, I know, but the smallest successes can help.

Still plugging away at my school work, hope to have it completed by July, and then let the artwork come rolling in.  I've been mentally bottling up all my creative energies trying to stay focused for school, but it's been tough!  The only project I am going to tackle soon is finishing up my cosplay since I'm planning to go to Fanime this year.  Am definitely stoked!  Will be even cooler if Boy gets to go along, even if he doesn't cosplay anymore.

Alright, back to the grind....but first, a bit of DDR to get the blood flowing!

Ja-ne!

CSS made by TwiggyTeeluck
Texture by Princess-of-Shadows
  • Listening to: Chrono Cross remixes
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Watching: Argento Soma
  • Eating: tortilla soup
  • Drinking: water
Looks like I'd better get my membership sorted out soon...this plain Jane journal bites!  

I'm over halfway through my appraisal course materials, still have finals to go as well.  It's challenging but fun for me, except for that whole section on capitalization...:faint:

Looks like my new partner and I will be venturing out into the show ring later in the spring.  Lots of time working together will be needed, but we are doing well.  The arena just got disked yesterday so we have nice footing, and lovely weather to work in.

Also, a trip to Fanime is on the schedule!  I'm rather stoked about it since I plan to cosplay again...this time, I'll actually be a girl, pretending to be a guy. :faint:  I already have most of the costume done, made it in 2009 for another purpose.  I need to make a new hitatare in the correct colour, and get the details worked out for the leggings and igote.  Oh, and that whole eboshi business...since I will have a hat/eboshi to cover most of my head, I may just dye the bottom half of my hair black with a temporary colour.  I'm liking the idea of no wig!  The wig for Inuyasha was damned heavy!

Well, off to go ride!

Ja-ne!
  • Listening to: Chrono Cross remixes
  • Reading: Real Estate Appraisal text book (still)
  • Watching: Otogi Zoshi
  • Eating: tortilla soup
  • Drinking: water