f
literature

frost

raido-ehwaz's avatar
By raido-ehwaz   |   
2 6 277 (1 Today)
Published: October 13, 2010
white crystals sprouted and sprinkled
over green grass and shallow waters
forming thin sheets of miniature suns,
ever growing, ever fusing, ever blinding

forcing what has not yet changed
into a diamondy dress, to be kept safe,
and into a long, deep, undisturbed sleep;
a false sense of time, itself, stopping

the frost alone will keep on going,
growing, building layers upon layers
of thin sheets of self-repairing glass
until the world is nothing but pure, white beauty

but there is always an end to this aggression
always, just like it returns, always
the end will come with a bow to the sun,
then begin again when we look away, voiceless

all this slow death, all this rapid life
due to the tilt of an axis.
© 2010 - 2020 raido-ehwaz
autumn's first frost can be seen on the ground.. now there's no turning back.



i enjoy this orders of magnitude more if i read it out loud.

but read it however you want, folks, and please, comment! i love constructive criticism! :P

i hope the last two stanzas aren't lost to anyone, even though they require some basic knowledge of the earth..


i did some relatively minor edits based on *alapip's comment: i might edit more later, but i'll let it sink in like this now.. thanks again, alapip, for your comments! :)
Comments6
anonymous's avatar
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raido-ehwaz's avatar
raido-ehwazProfessional Photographer
thanks a lot! :)
alapip's avatar
alapipHobbyist Writer
you got most of them, Raido.
any more would be a matter
of personal taste, probably.

much tighter - nice poem.

:)pip
alapip's avatar
alapipHobbyist Writer
this is one of the more beautiful seasonal works
i've seen, raido. and yes, it does read beautifully
aloud.

a suggestion:
- perhaps to remove some unneeded
words from the final stanza?
[death drawn-out, life renewed
all by the tilt of an axis]
- or such?

actually, in a complete reread from
the point of view of Anavah, a lady
who taught me much, i see several
"ands" and a "but" which could be
removed to make it read even more
poetic. with a few other words,
the total - more than a dozen.

try paring it down to an absolute
minimum to see what you think.

you're the author. satisfy yourself.

;)pip
raido-ehwaz's avatar
raido-ehwazProfessional Photographer
thanks a lot for your comment! :D these are exactly the ones i appreciate and love..

the last stanza is the one i'm most unsure about.. your suggestion sounds a lot better; thanks for the idea, i'll try to rewrite it.. and you're absolutely right about the 'ands' and 'buts' - reading through it again without most of them, it sounds a lot better.

your feedback is invaluable. thanks so much! :)
alapip's avatar
alapipHobbyist Writer
hey, my pleasure.
don't forget to uncheck that
little box that appears under
your edit, so it reposts.

:)pip
anonymous's avatar
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