So, the last several months have been an interesting experience for me. Some of you know already, but back in March of this year, I was diagnosed with Breast Cancer. Whee (not). Things actually haven't been too bad, though, because 1: I have awesome people helping me out, and 2: I really haven't been worried about it the whole time I've been going through chemotherapy. In fact, I've rather been quite cheerful the whole time.
It's kind of hard to explain without going into a giant story time that I'm not sure I feel like posting here. But to sum it up, for the past several years, I've been in this giant anxious/depressed state that was hard to get anything done with. I was actually to the point of feeling suicidal, though I never got so far as trying to harm myself. Then some things happened last year, including me going to a self reliance course, getting out of the relationship that was apparently causing me a lot of the depression, and getting myself a modest job that was allowing me some income and feeling like I had some worth again, even though I sort of dreaded going, just because of the whole 'PEOPLE!' aspect of it. (Let's face it, unless you one of the lucky few, you're just plain going to have to work/interact with people while working.) I even have my own car, now.
Things were looking so good, in fact, that I decided I was going to try going back to school this year. I'm only four classes away from finishing up an art degree, and about the same if I want to finish an English one, as well.
And then last March I went and finally got this lump checked out.
I'd known it was there for about a year and a half before that, but as mentioned, I was suicidal. It felt like it wouldn't matter if I died, so if it was something that might lead to that, I didn't care. Unsurprisingly, it's cancer. Breast Cancer. Stage 3.
Most people probably would have been freaking out at that stage. Especially since I'm so young to be getting it (I'm only 30, after all). A lot of people seem to think that it's the end of the world. But if anything, it was... a relief, I guess. This wasn't just some 'in my head' problem. The suspicion I'd had for over a year was confirmed. It was kind of liberating, actually.
Granted, going through the chemotherapy for the last three and some months has been a bit of a drag. For the first four rounds, I was feeling generally sick and tired for days after each one, and had this perpetually awful taste in my mouth; for the last four, I'd get this wonderful (read sarcastically) aching in my muscles and joints. I've got some bills to worry about, I had to stop working because my job and chemo just wouldn't have mixed well at all, but I've had a lot of support the whole way. I've had time where I can just be chill and no one expects anything from me for once. I've written thousands of words of story, hundreds of thousands, even, because the pressure is off. The only things I have to worry about (for the most part) are keeping my appointments and where I want said story to go. (It's seen a lot of editing, and there will be MUCH more to come).
And the people who see me at church are always saying how I look so cheerful. I'm so happy, so strong, so upbeat. I've been divorced and have cancer for crying out loud, and I'm feeling better than I have in years?
Yeah, all I can say is that I was seriously broken for a while, and I've found a way to start picking up the pieces. That's really the only thing that I can see that would cause that.
My only gripe is that with surgery, radiation therapy, and another surgery after that sometime probably mid-November, I won't be able to start going back to work and school until next year. I had sort of been looking forward to finishing at least one of those degrees sooner than later. Guess it wasn't quite in the cards, though.
So, I'll keep writing, and sketching character designs, singing songs, playing Final Fantasy XIV, and working on recovery. Who knows, with some luck, Outcast might actually take off, and I'll get a decent income. But I'll have to figure out how to sand out the flaws and rough patches before I'll be comfortable with sharing it with the world in general. Feels like I'm on the right track, though.
Up, up, and away! *dodges another baseball*