quephird

I watch you as you sing and rock her to sleep and think back to when I had my own and he was that small and I wonder if I was anywhere as good to him as you are to her right now…

Sometimes I feel like the ones I love think I take everything in the world for granted and in those moments I try to at least remind myself how fortunate I am and try to convince them how thankful I am but it never feels enough and I always feel undeserving All I have at this point in my life is gratitude and it never feels enough and I worry that someday I will not have reciprocated in time and everything will come to an end and I will be all alone again…

I can see my two feet in front of me, the chair across the room, the glass of lemonade that I've not yet finished drinking, my iPhone on the table wanting me to text someone but I can't bring myself to do, and your hand gently rubbing the skin on my thigh... I can hear the crow squawking outside, the sound of the air conditioner kicking in and out, the bad voices in my head, and your hand gently rubbing the skin on my thigh... I can feel the purple tights on my legs, the weight of the world on my head, and your hand gently rubbing the skin on my thigh... I can smell your beautiful hair as it drapes from your head to my shoulders, and the faint scent of yesterday's perfume... I can still taste this morning's breakfast as I wonder what I might have for dinner... "Good girl," you whisper into my ear, "You're back", and for a moment I am, realizing how utterly and profoundly lucky I am that you're here pulling me...

I come here all the time sometimes I can think, sometimes I can hide it, tonight I could not. I sat there in the corner unable to write anything not hearing from anybody. Neither Bjork nor Lana Del Rey could save my day, And that's when she came over and told me the owner said  "This is for an awesome customer." I suppose he saw the one tear I tried hiding roll down my cheek before I wiped it off and nobody else noticed. "Do you want a hug?" she asked and I then let it all go and I was probably too much as she just listened and nodded and then walked away without saying anything And so I continued to sit in the corner momentarily believing I was something More, tried to write something, and eventually went home as someone Less…

When you're running towards the chasm of Risk, and you've told yourself before don't do it don't do it and ruin what you have don't do it and ruin what you have Forever; you can wait for Tomorrow. And once again you're tempted by Fear to turn around once more, but someone else implores you to just jump just jump over there just jump over there to the other side; you can make it. But you're not quite sure if they believe you actually can or if they know you will fall down fall down to the bottom fall down to the bottom so you know how it feels and can say you took a Chance. And you know you'll need help to find all the pieces of your heart, and then they'll say to get back up get back up and spread Love get back up and spread Love to everyone around; you'll find another Someday.

Put on jacket and boots Go outside A foot of white Sticks to the trees Sled down the hill Run the way back Throw snowballs At brother and sister Get socked by dad Play with the dogs Laugh at them Trying to chase the ball Stay out until dark Get called in for dinner Reluctantly go inside Melted snow On the kitchen floor Icicles hanging off hat Take off mittens Smelling like wet dog Fingers and toes pink Change into dry clothes Run downstairs Family watching television Sit down by the fireplace Watch newspaper ink burn green Hear the logs pop The flames dance The only thing hugging me Feel their warmth

I stare at you and I wonder how on earth I got here It’s been a while and yet I still have no idea what I am doing I almost want to put you on a pedestal but there’s a danger in doing that And so I stand here almost paralyzed almost terrified but definitely mystified that you are still with me

There was a time when I was younger when I tried and tried and tried to fit in by being excitable about my special interests I wouldn’t shut up about math or Rubik’s cube or jigsaw puzzles and others were annoyed with me because they didn’t share any of them and just wrote me off as a geek And then at some point I just stopped doing that I think it may have been at university where I suddenly found myself surrounded by literally hundreds of other people as smart as or smarter than I and others were annoyed by me because they were all better than me and I stopped loving myself And so I retreated and decided that the best way to fit in was to never try and to wait in the shadows of the walls and on the outsides of conversations hoping that someday someone would see me but others were still annoyed by me because I never said anything and I started hating myself Then at some point I finally took control of my life and thought I actually found myself and that people would finally get to

I didn’t know you but I knew of you and how you were a fireball of light and it made me think of how little I’ve accomplished in my life and how little time I have left I see you and others like you and wonder “How do you do all that?” “How did you get there?” “How do I learn to to be anywhere like you?” I feel like all I am is a bunch of things that once had potential special interests that no one else cares about and a pile of trauma that I can’t seem to walk away from I thought I was gonna be Someone™ when I moved out here I gave up everything I had but I’ve largely been a failure I wonder if I’ll ever figure anything out or be close to anything that you were I don’t need or want to go out with a bang but I sure don’t want to go out with a whimper…

We fought and once again you said things that hurt a lot and you wouldn’t stop and you drove me to drive back home on the Merritt Parkway and I almost wanted to meet a tree but I jerked the wheel back in time I don’t know what stopped me perhaps it was simply the friction of the tires maybe it _was_ a higher being maybe I just wanted to see another day and hope that some part of the world would want to see me as I am and not someone else