A
literature

A Letter of Apology

quentinwrites's avatar
By quentinwrites   |   Watch
3 4 2K (1 Today)
Published: June 15, 2015
I’m sorry that I let you believe
the bullshit binary beliefs
of cis society on sex.
I’m sorry I wouldn’t let you
speak up for yourself.

I’m sorry that a midwife
slapped your arse and declared
you were a certain type of person
based on what she saw between your legs.

I’m sorry I let you let them
dress you up like a pretty doll.
Looking back, you were beautiful
and I am sad for them
that you never existed.

I’m sorry I never told anybody
that the reason all your teddy bears
were boys, was because you felt
closer to them, that way.

I’m sorry I didn’t speak out.
I’m sorry that the boy within you
was hidden for so long
that he thought he’d disappeared
for far too many years.

I’m sorry you were so surprised
by blood between your thighs
though they’d told you to expect it
you’d prayed it would never arise.

I’m sorry for every lip gloss
in your sizeable collection
gathering dust in landfill
and I’m sorry for painting you
into a person you didn’t recognise.

I’m sorry I let you go off the tracks
into the bed of anyone who’d have you
I’m sorry I put you in so many
dangerous situations. I didn’t know.

I’m sorry I made you live
a heteronormative life of domesticity
without letting you question
who you were, because other people
were always more important than you.

I’m sorry it took me so long.
By now I’ve realised that this apology
is not to some unknown ex-person
but to my own self.

I’m sorry that I ever tried
to pretend I was something so foreign
that I never understood, even as
I played the role that the world
had so cruelly pushed upon me.

I’m sorry it took me twenty-seven years
to man up. To admit I was wrong.
To tell the Universe that it was wrong…
or maybe, like me, it knew all along?

I’m not sorry to be where I am now.
I’m not sorry to be ‘in the wrong body';
I’m not sorry to not fit expectations
and I’m not sorry that my body’s
considered a variation on the norm.

I’m not sorry for my smooth face or high voice
though I wish they were different
they are material wishes to aid the world
in seeing me as I see myself.

This apology’s not to an older self
it is to me. There is no pre-me and post-me
there is just me. The only thing that changes
is how I present and am perceived
and how I want the world to perceive me.

I won’t speak to my former self, because he
was never she, he was a little boy like any other.
It was me who pushed him down
and now it’s me who will revive him
and give him the life he deserves

and now it’s me who will revive myself
and give myself the life I deserve.
Recommended Literature
c
compulsive liar.
once i asked you your favourite colour, and you said, "the brown of your eyes," so i put in one green contact and told everyone that i came out of the womb as a factory defect, half-priced, damaged goods. - sometimes i am from canada and sometimes i am from england and sometimes i am from spain. i've carefully tempered my accents and plotted out my stories with yellow and purple coloured pencils on index cards. my origin changes like the seasons. "why do you lie to everyone?" you ask. "why not?" i reply. - i wear nametags that read "alicia" and "liana" and "samantha," because i want to know how it feels to be someon
r
reminders i carry in my hand:
dear me, you do not have a terrible heart. you do not have sad eyes and love is not a war you need to win. sometimes i feel like disappearing, but remember: we are never really alone. dear me, every now and then, you can close your eyes and still find your way. remember to breathe because you did not sink a paper boat and you are not floating underwater. you already know the answer to the question you are looking for. dear me, remember the small things, like the writing in the borders of pages. see the things that everyone else misses. listen to your thoughts and then lose yourself. dear me, laugh until it makes you cry. see
D
Dream On
A dream can be a passing thought; a passionate ambition. A dream can be a battle fought; a superficial mission. A dream can be a driving force; a forgiving comfort. A dream can be a thriving source; a deceitful consort. A dream can thrill you; drive you or kill you. Beware of this, dreamers— and Dream On.
Featured in groupsSee All
Recommended Literature
c
compulsive liar.
once i asked you your favourite colour, and you said, "the brown of your eyes," so i put in one green contact and told everyone that i came out of the womb as a factory defect, half-priced, damaged goods. - sometimes i am from canada and sometimes i am from england and sometimes i am from spain. i've carefully tempered my accents and plotted out my stories with yellow and purple coloured pencils on index cards. my origin changes like the seasons. "why do you lie to everyone?" you ask. "why not?" i reply. - i wear nametags that read "alicia" and "liana" and "samantha," because i want to know how it feels to be someon
r
reminders i carry in my hand:
dear me, you do not have a terrible heart. you do not have sad eyes and love is not a war you need to win. sometimes i feel like disappearing, but remember: we are never really alone. dear me, every now and then, you can close your eyes and still find your way. remember to breathe because you did not sink a paper boat and you are not floating underwater. you already know the answer to the question you are looking for. dear me, remember the small things, like the writing in the borders of pages. see the things that everyone else misses. listen to your thoughts and then lose yourself. dear me, laugh until it makes you cry. see
D
Dream On
A dream can be a passing thought; a passionate ambition. A dream can be a battle fought; a superficial mission. A dream can be a driving force; a forgiving comfort. A dream can be a thriving source; a deceitful consort. A dream can thrill you; drive you or kill you. Beware of this, dreamers— and Dream On.
Featured in groupsSee All
anonymous's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Sign In
Comments (4)
thehumanityspectrum's avatar
thehumanityspectrum|Student General Artist
Err I'm not sure if I'm supposed to comment from this account, but at this point I can't resist! This is an amazing poem, absolutely amazing, and I can't let that go unsaid. I admire the power, strength, and confidence behind your words. Best wishes! 
Reply  ·  
quentinwrites's avatar
quentinwrites|Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thank you so much for your kind words! w00t! 
Reply  ·  
Yuriwyn's avatar
Yuriwyn|Student General Artist
Wow. That was a really cool piece. 0-0 I keep erasing this and trying to write a more eloquent comment than "that was cool", but... dang. I'm speechless. That was cool.
Reply  ·  
quentinwrites's avatar
quentinwrites|Hobbyist General Artist
Wow, thanks! :)
Reply  ·  
©2019 DeviantArt
All Rights reserved