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Heeey, look! I wrote something that isn't aSoE related! 

I watched 'de pennen zijn geslepen' yesterday, which is a tv show about a bunch of 'famous' Dutchies trying to write a thriller. Each episode, the worst one must leave. Yeah...  A talent show + writing = this. I am not sure what to think of it... It doesn't go in depth enough for writers, and I think for non-writers it is kinda boring. Still, I'll continue watching it. The surviving candidates make huge jumps of progress, they make writing look so easy.

Anyway, that show is about thrillers, so a lot of imaginary people die in it. I guess that inspired me to write down a murder myself, but still kept it (victorian) fantasy. Yay for crossing genres!

Is this the beginning of a new story? Nah, probably not. My inspiration about this stops pretty much here. I like Vonn though, and the simple magic system. aSoE has something that's utterly complex, so this gave me a moment to breathe.
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© 2016 - 2020 queenofeagles
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anonymous's avatar
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TheStarlightPrincess's avatar
TheStarlightPrincessHobbyist General Artist
I've always want to read this but the first time I was too distracted and tired, I understood nothing, okay a half. XD That doesn't mean your text wasn't understandable but that my tiredness was a bit worse, haha.

Somehow this heavily reminds me of Professor Layton. Maybe it’s the cause of the top hat… But it’s great to see your other writing! This was an enjoyable one to read! :D And I find the timetravelling idea rather cool, it’s interesting to see new ideas than just the basic time machine. :) Thrillers aren’t my area of expertise so, can’t say much about that: can’t read them, too wild imagination, the same thing with horror… But the pacing feels in place here! ^^

I found some things:

- What do you think, sir? A short man with thick glasses asked. -> You forgot the quotation marks.

- A man dressed in a sleek, brown coat with a mustache trimmed to perfection stared back. -> Moustache is an American spelling, add ‘o’: moustache.

His looks must match that. -> His looks had to match. Must match reads a bit weird as everything else is in past tense.

It tasted like iron. -> I think you could leave out ‘like’, it could make it more direct and I think it’s not really needed here. But do whatever you want.

- The last thing Vonn noticed was something warm running down his leg, and the stench of diarrhea that came with it.  -> diarrhea appears to be an American spelling, if you want to go for British add ‘o’ here as well: diarrhoea. ;)
queenofeagles's avatar
queenofeaglesHobbyist General Artist
hehe, never read when tired XD I'm glad it makes more sense now. lol, I had more a Sherlock Holmes and Watson kind people in my mind, but I guess professor Layton fits as well :) I'm glad you like it, thanks! And thank you for the feedback, it was very useful! Ohw gawd, grammarly logged me out without telling me, and it goes back to default US grammar when that happens :') stupid. to get back to the 'iron' thing though: you can't ignore 'like', unless you rewrite the sentence as 'he tasted iron' or maybe something like 'it tasted ironic', but since ironic has a totally different meaning, you can't use it. 'Iron-like' can, but that's just ugly.
TheStarlightPrincess's avatar
TheStarlightPrincessHobbyist General Artist
I've suffered the same problem too many times. Read when distracted and after a few pages you can't understand a thing. XD Never read/watched Sherlock Holmes but the main idea of Professor layton is that the professor together with his child apprentice solve mysteries. And Layton as a London gentleman wears a tall, noticealbe top hat. (From which some charcters make funny notices.) :)

No problem! Well, good to know that can happen. By the way have you visited ProWritingAid lately? They've updated it quite a lot, I think it works much better now. It can even analyse your pacing. And it's great you can also choose UK English though the vocabulary is a bit poor... but worry not you can expand it! :D
queenofeagles's avatar
queenofeaglesHobbyist General Artist
I've never read/seen much Sherlock either, but the idea is pretty much the same - except that sherlock solves crimes and that his sidekick is not a child. 

Yep, I've noticed the update. It looks much better now :D I wonder how they analyse pacing though, because I can't make any sense out of it. 
TheStarlightPrincess's avatar
TheStarlightPrincessHobbyist General Artist
I wonder that, too. And how does it count the time it takes to read it? It'd make a lot more sense and be more helpful if it did give us the actual voice reading it. Ah I wish such 'free' programmes' existed, those far better than Google Translate...
queenofeagles's avatar
queenofeaglesHobbyist General Artist
I think it uses word -or better: syllable - count to figure out how long it takes to read a piece of text. of course, it is just an average, and there is huge variability in reading speeds of people. There are programmes that do read your work aloud. I use natural reader. of course, it is still a computer voice talking to you, but it is doing a fairly well job.
TheStarlightPrincess's avatar
TheStarlightPrincessHobbyist General Artist
Could be. True, I'm a slow reader because even if I didn't focus on it I tend to analyse the text as I go, even school books aren't different from that.  Oh, nice to know! I just checked it out, yes it works quite well to think it's a computer. I must admit its pronunciation is often better than mine. ^^; And yay, it even pronounces 'sheepli' the way I thought, though it's an English-like term. :) It struggles with some names, makes Naí sound like: Arí. XD Oh, my I should try what it'll like about Shahrndahr. It might not be its favourite...
Harkale-Linai's avatar
Harkale-LinaiProfessional Digital Artist
I really like the idea and style! OK, I admit, I tend to like anything with magic in it, but the setting is original.
For some reason, the glowing blue liquid reminded me more of Dune's "melange" than of the more obvious mana potions... Probably because it gives strange time-bending superpowers to its users ^^

I'd love to hear more about these characters! And, of course, about the way Vonn survives. Because he has to. 
queenofeagles's avatar
queenofeaglesHobbyist General Artist
Thank you so much! It does sound a bit like melange indeed, but I didn't have Dune in mind when I wrote this. Might explain why the stuff felt so familiar somehow ^^;

oh... ehm... the only other idea I have is how Carl finds Vonn's body behind the cupboards. He is pretty dead...
Harkale-Linai's avatar
Harkale-LinaiProfessional Digital ArtistFeatured
"Upon finding Vonn's dead body, Carl finally admits to himself the love he had been feeling all that time for his superior. Sure, Vonn is a self-centered, pompous son of a *****, but he does have a sexy nose. Carl can't resist a beautiful nose, even though his wife will probably hate him forever for that betrayal.

So, armed with his courage, pen, and messed-up sense of loyalty, Carl decides to ask for help the only capable mage nearby: the dean. Of course, he doesn't know the identity of Vonn's murderer... So, he walks in the dean's office, and asks him to go back in time and save Vonn before the tragic moment of his death. The dean quickly thinks of the best way of getting rid of that idiot (magic or poison?), but makes the mistake of looking at Carl's ears... Carl does have sexy ears (assuming you like cauliflowers, which the dean does, because it reminds him of his childhood, when his parents were simple people, cauliflower farmers, ah, everything was better back then, and he was a good kid, not like those ill-bred children nowadays, etc.).

So, the dean falls madly in love with Carl, which is obviously the only thing that can happen in such a situation. Both of them go back in time, meet the previous version of the dean, d1, before he tries to murder Vonn (after he killed the boy, though. Nobody cares about that boy). D1 falls madly in love with Carl, which was to be expected because his future self, d2, just did. D1 and d2 fight over Carl's affections, wich eventually leads to them annihilating each other. In the confusion, Carl and Vonn escape. Carl swear eternal love to his superior, said superior laughs in the face of his assistant, reminding him how much they both dislike "those disgusting faggots", so Carl laughs too and pretends it all was a joke.

Everything goes back to normal, except that the university now has two dead deans."


See? Vonn's alive! :D
queenofeagles's avatar
queenofeaglesHobbyist General Artist
:rofl:

I've read this at least 42 times now, and it still makes me laugh XD You can write out that story now - no way I can come up with something that would even come near the awesomeness of this XD 
Harkale-Linai's avatar
Harkale-LinaiProfessional Digital Artist
I'm far too lazy to write it properly, but I'm glad you enjoyed my stupid fan-fic :D
queenofeagles's avatar
queenofeaglesHobbyist General Artist
ahh, too bad. I was so looking forward to a detailed description of cauliflower ears... 
Pimpernel's avatar
PimpernelHobbyist Photographer
LOL I liked this story better! ;D

Just kidding, the spell-water idea was cool. Mr. Vonn is too arrogant though, and so I believe rightfully deserved his death.
Harkale-Linai's avatar
Harkale-LinaiProfessional Digital Artist
I wouldn't want to live in a country where arrogance is punishable by death!

And honestly, I don't really mind seeing him dead, it just happens that the whole situation has a great silly-fanfic potential :D
anonymous's avatar
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