The Hollywood Record
October 12, 1955
Eisenhower Signs Anti-Lycanthropy Defense Act
Government hopes to manage outbreaks of Chronic Female Lycanthropy
By Sam Finnegan, Politics Reporter
Citing rates of infection at nearly 1% among American women and ongoing but fruitless research for a cure, President Eisenhower signed the Anti-Lycanthropy Defense Act of 1955 into law yesterday. This vital, long overdue piece of legislature promises to give the U.S. Government the vital regulations it needs to manage the disease.
The road has been a long one. Senator George (D-GA) introduced legislation to manage Chronic Female Lycanthropy early last year. Unfortunately, the bill soon faltered. Both parties fiercely debated every measure of the bill due to cost, specific segregative measures to be taken, deployment of experimental vaccines, and an especially controversial measure that enabled infected women to be conscripted by government laboratories as human guinea pigs. President Eisenhower also threatened to veto any version of a bill featuring internment of or involuntary experimentation upon the infected, comparing such measures unflatteringly to the Nazis' Nuremberg Laws.
Fortunately, after extensive amendments and debate, both parties reached a compromise. The Anti-Lycanthropy Defense Act of 1955 was approved by the Senate by a vote of 71-25 and the House of Representatives by a vote of 307-128. While the vote clearly demonstrated that bill was veto-proof, most in Congress were relieved that further wrangling would be unnecessary. One Senatorial Aide who wished to remain anonymous said that he was "sick of hearing about werewolves" and would be glad to return to business as usual.
Not all were happy. Senator Joseph McCarthy (R-MN) told press that he only voted yea very grudgingly and called the Anti-Lycanthropy Defense Act "a half-measure at best" and suggested that any lists of infected women should be made public rather than being maintained as government data. The Senator has taken a more passive role in Congress since his censure last December.
Listed below are the most prominent provisions of the Anti-Lycanthropy Defense Act of 1955:
-Infected women must register with their county or state health department.
-Infected women are banned from employment in teaching, food service, water management, medicine, and other types of work which risk cross-infection.
-Infected women must request permission from the Public Health Service to travel via airplane (unless privately owned) or interstate bus or train.
-Attending physicians are required to inform newly infected women of their condition and legal status.
-Women, whether infected or not, are forbidden from operating vehicles or heavy machinery due to risk of spontaneous transformation.
-Provision of funding for U.S. Information Agency to create public service announcements addressing Chronic Female Lycanthropy.
-The Food and Drug Administration will be required to review all food safety measures weekly and propose new regulations to limit the spread of disease.
-Amending of the Posse Comitatus Act to enable the U.S. Army and U.S. Marine Corps to guard certain water supply networks and food processing plants in large population centers believed to be at high risk of subterfuge by Communist agents.