The Hollywood Record
November 3, 1953
Hundreds report sighting of mythical monster men across the US
By Joe Shepherd, the Record's Official Court Jester
But more likely, we should expect a veritable barrage of blurry photos and wild, unfounded allegations. And why not? This is Hollywood and nonsense earns fame and fortune! So get those cameras and typewriters ready because this fearless reporter is going to blow the lid off this werewolf story! Send me as all of your dark and grainy photos, send me all of your wild, rambling stories about ten feet tall furry goliaths that no one else happened to see, and most definitely send me all of your reports of werewolves that just so happen to look exactly like your granny in her fur coat after too many gin and tonics! Send 'em all to old Joe Shepherd and I'll respond with a badly worded form letter and an official certificate proving you to be a lupine lun-a-tic of the highest order! In addition to being great conversation starters, these certificates make excellent coasters, paper airplanes, and kindling.
So write in today and get infected with the dreaded... WOLFMAN MANIA!
One caveat, dear readers: if you've got a story, send it to me - don't go crying wolf to the authorities. Due to the terms of my parole, I must inform you that filing a false police report with the Hollywood Police Department is a crime and may prevent police from responding to real emergencies such as when granny runs out of gin.