On Sundays, I like to sleep in and generally don't get off the couch until a more reasonable hour, like 5 P.M.- ish
However this morning I rose at the wicked hour of 8 A.M. and that was it. I was up and there was no going back to couch.
During the week, I frequent Dunkin' Dognuts for the coffee. As I had burned out on the menu back in 1976, I usually get the french roll with the weird substance they call "margarine" lathered on to set me up for the inevitable cardiac arrest and coronary bypass because there is no disease a nice expensive operation can't prolong.
The usual slapping the counter, demanding service and inviting the other patrons behind me to do the same "They love it and hardly ever spit in my food".
One of the girls asked if I were eating there today and I said "no thanks, I'm going to McDingdongs, they love it when I walk in with your coffee". She thought that was funny (or maybe she acted like she thought it was funny. Hard to tell as these people are paid to act nice. I would rather people just be who they are and save the facade to religious and political leaders).
The guy behind me, He thought it was funny or that I am a complete asshole.
Works either way really.
So back to the road I goes to the McDildos.
I walk in and the "human girl" makes note of my coffee with a "oh no you di'int bring that coffee up in hyuh."
Being white and educated I said gently "If you had good coffee, do you think I'd go somewhere else?"
Apparently I set off the Independent thought alarm because the manager appeared to "Diffuse the Situation".
She said "Can I help you?" I said "Yes please, I would like the big breakfast with 2 orders of bacon and not that horrible lard laden sausage, with four eggs and no hotcakes".
She said "That's a lot of eggs, are you sure?"
I said "I am" then added "Two eggs had been enough in the past but since you people reduced the proportions to keep sedentary people from getting fat and suing, I am forced to order more and to pay more therefore hyper inflating the econo…" and she cut me off right there with "OK,ok,ok" which worked for me as I was running out of rant.
The "human girl" walked by was still giving me a nasty look so I said "If it makes you feel any better I'm sick of the food at Dunkin' Donuts". Apparently it didn't.
Clarifying my order, The manager repeated what I wanted but was having a hard time with the pictures on the register and had to ask for help from one of the more "seasoned" two hour employees.
So, after many instructions, along with a few magic words, they get all that into the computer because these people cannot do anything they can't read on one of the ten monitors ten times.
I had made the suggestion that it might be easier if they skipped the data entry and just talked to the person making the food but they looked at me like I was nuts.
Eventually, I am presented with a large bag full of things.
It was just like Christmas but without the two different sized, hand knitted socks Grammy would make with low quality wool and a fifth of scotch.
The first platter had the Big Breakfast I wanted with the hotcakes I didn't.
The second platter had the extra eggs.
The third platter had two slices of bacon.
Also in the bag were napkins, 3 Syrups (I didn't need for the hotcakes I didn't want), a plastic knife and fork, a greasy hash brown, salt and pepper packets, ketchup and grape jelly.
Apparently I had set off the Independent thought alarm again and broke McDonalds.
Being very average looking, I fit into several visual categories and every once in a while I get stopped by someone who thinks they know me.
Most times, the people that do know me think they saw me in other places I would never be, like riding in the back of a truck drinking a beer.
This time in the parking lot I was approached by an elderly woman thinking I was a guitar player at some Pub she goes to saying "Tim?" and gesturing with her hands.
I said "I know Tim" She said "No, you're Tim. You play guitar at the pub"
I said "No I'm Kyle and I haven't played at a bar for years." She said "well, you have a twin". I said "Apparently I have hundreds or just one really ugly bastard one step ahead of me, every place I go."