707 x f!reader
warning: profanity, spoilers for... a lot of the routes
tbh you probably shouldn't read this unless 1) you absolutely want to or 2) if you've played all or most of the routes and you won't be surprised by anything
alternative title: the abandonment of choi saeyoung told in 17 parts and maybe just a little bit more
(readyaimfireaway okay this was supposed to be rlly fluffy and nice, but it turned out horribly wrong, but i hope you'll like it regardless????? anyways happy birthday, baby, i love you!!!!)
i. question: which personality of mine did you fall in love with?
Years later, on the last day of winter, you will look back on your shared history and smile.
You will regard those that you loved with warmth and the one you still love with something more and in the midst or all of it, you will laugh and thank the higher power that decided to subject you to it all.
You will realize that this is life, one lesson at a time, each mistake either bringing you closer or wrenching you further apart.
ii. an affinity for the impossible, to touch, and to hold but not to keep
Your first is Zen.
It's always been Zen.
You learn to love him and his massive ego, stoking it in times of need and laughing at it when you're feeling down. You learn how safe his arms feel when they're around you and what songs he likes to sing in the morning and in the evening.
You go through your trials and tribulations with him by your side, and he goes through his scandals and mishaps (despite Jaehee's many warnings) with you by his side.
You fall in love with Zen through nigh insignificant things, like the way his hair flies when he dances or the way the sun loves his cheeks enough to kiss them whenever it can, in spite of the many layers or moisturizer and sunblock he meticulously smears on his face. You fall in love with the cheesy one-liners and the way innocence glosses itself over eyes blown wide in pure, earnest glee.
You fall in love with the way his arm brushes against yours when he laughs a little bit too hard and then grabs your hand, so as to maximize contact. You fall in love with his arrogance and his bright smile and sometimes you love him so much you think that you wouldn't mind living like this, in his arms and in his smile, forever.
(lies, all of it.)
iii. 2:58 pm and it all comes crashing down
The first time things are reset, you're confused and upset and little indignant.
Unknown: Can you read this?
(name): you again!
Unknown: I found this phone on the the subway
Unknown? The guy who tried to kill you?
(name): who are you?
Unknown: I'm Korean, but I'm just a transfer student.
(name): you're not who you say you are.
Unknown: What do you mean?
(name): send me a picture of yourself.
Unknown: [Image Link]
But it's not him.
It's a boy with close cropped electric blue hair and dark brown eyes, but it's not him.
(name): that's not you.
Unknown: Yes it is?
(name): you have bleached hair with red at the end
(name): and you have pale green eyes.
Unknown has left the chat.
You hear a loud rapping at your door, and you freeze.
This didn't happen last time.
When you look through your peephole, it's him.
You slide a chair as quickly as you can in front of the door, desperately searching for another way out of your apartment, though the only escape option you can find is out your window.
You're on the ninth floor.
This doesn't bode well for you, but you have no other options. So you unlatch your window and carefully start making your way to the fire escape, until you hear your front door slam open, and you turn around, wood splintering everywhere.
When you turn back around to try and get to the fire escape faster, a strong shove knocks you out of your apartment and hurtling towards the alleyway below.
When you reset back, your heart is still racing at a mile a minute, but it's quiet again.
Your door is still in one piece, your chair is back where it started, and your phone is buzzing again.
You shut your eyes. Confronting him last time didn't work, so maybe your only option is to do as he says.
So you join the RFA one more time, feeling hurt by the way Jumin once again treats you like a complete stranger, by the way Zen flirts shallowly with you, by the way he doesn't remember anything.
You fall in love with Zen one more time, yet something feels off. Something is missing.
And it's not Zen's fault, it's never his fault. He's still so sweet and so wonderful, but you can't help but feel like maybe you left a small piece of yourself behind after you reset.
iv. nothing gold can stay
The fourth time around, you begin to realize that you don't feel the same way about Zen anymore.
Maybe it's the constant repetition, or maybe it's because you never really loved him in the first place, but you stop acting like a lovesick fool whenever you talk to him.
You become closed-off, keeping him an arm's-length away at all times until on the fifth day, Seven comments on it.
707: (name) u've been really distant from Zen lately lol
707: Yeah, u always ignore him, which is weird because I swear you and him dated before.
Your eyes narrow. This is new.
(name): lolol, seven you're so strange. Zen has a scary gatekee--
(name): I mean, Zen has Jaehee to keep an eye on him.
707: lmfao, yeah I guess. If u had dated Zen, Jaehee would definitely know about it, right Jaehee?
But you can't help your suspicions, so you call Seven, wondering if he knew something about what happened.
"The Defender of Justice, Seven Zero Seven has arrived!"
You smile slightly, grateful that Seven hasn't changed a bit.
"Oh my hero! Can you help me?"
"Of course, love! What's wrong?"
You sober down, smile fading from your face.
"What... Did you mean by you thought me and Zen had dated before?"
It's quiet on the other line.
"I-- It was honestly nothing, I misspoke. You just seemed like Zen's type, is all."
There's a crushing sense of disappointment, for some reason. You'd honestly thought that Seven might remember what had happened, but it looks like you were wrong.
"Don't judge me for what I'm about to say, okay?"
"I would never judge a fellow cat lover."
You snicker, your free hand toying with a loose thread at the edge of your blanket. "Thank you so much, Cat Dad."
"Anything for you, m'dear."
You take a deep breath. Here goes nothing.
"I know about the bomb."
The silence that follows the statement is tense, frigid.
All traces of good humor in his voice are gone when Seven answers, "What?"
You start to feel dizzy, and you lean on the pillows that are resting against the headboard. "I-I swear I've done this all before. I've joined the RFA, I've dated Zen, I--"
A sudden wave of nausea all but punches you in the gut, making your stomach churn and a sharp spike of pain resonate in your head.
"(name), slow down," Seven says placatingly.
"I can't! I don't want to do this again! I can't redo all of this again! I want--"
Your throat feels too thick for you to even swallow. Dimly, you can hear Seven on the other side frantically asking what's wrong.
v. coffee, confusion, chaos
"You remember too, don't you?"
"Who is this?"
"Luciel, answer me. You know exactly who I am."
"Fine. I remember."
"Then help me."
"How am I supposed to help you? Why should I help you?"
"We're friends, aren't we?"
"Not right now. Right now we're still strangers."
vi. john green said that pain demands to be felt
It turns out that Seven doesn't remember as much as you do, but he still remembers most things.
He remembers Unknown, he remembers Zen's scandal, and he remembers the bomb.
He remembers how many times you've both gone through this.
It's hard not to struggle as you live through the exact same days again, looking left and right for something that you missed, for a clue as to why it is that this keeps happening.
But instead of the resets, you find Choi Saeran, you find Rika, and you find Seven's weakness.
As Saeran laughs at you, in your trapped state, and Seven, you're suddenly thankful that Seven doesn't remember everything. If there indeed is a merciful God watching above, then he won't let Seven remember this. You pray, in the time you have left, that Seven won't remember how ruined his brother is, that he won't remember how you're both going to die.
A smile, for the first time in a while, finds its way to your cracked lips as your world fades to black.
vii. how we wish he were wrong
(name): seven my boi!! wassup, yo?
707: So it's our little puppy Yoosung this time?
707: Well, either way, he'll make you happy. Stay safe with him, okay?
(name): uh, okay.
(name): seven it's not like you to be so concerned lol
707: Ouch! You wound me. Am I not allowed to be concerned for my dear friend?
(name): lololol of course. i'm so sorry for doubting you ^^
(name): oh! yoosung and i are going out to see a movie tonight.
(name): i'll talk to you later!
(name): see you around, buddy man!
(name) has left the chat.
707: See you next time.
viii. what would you say if i told you my soul has squeezed through narrow spaces?
You almost scream when you wake up in your old apartment. You grab your phone and squeeze it, throwing it as hard as you can across the room, hearing it shatter upon impact when it hits the opposite wall.
You press your hands over your ears and curl into a ball when Unknown won't stop, tears leaking out of the corners of your eyes. It's too much. It's too much.
You need to talk to someone. You need to talk to Yoosung or Seven or Zen, you need to see someone just to know your aren't going fucking insane.
You steel yourself with a shaking breath and blink away the tears, covering your mouth and nose with a blanket and tapping your fingers in a nervous pattern against the mattress.
When you call Yoosung, without even bothering to check Unknown's messages, you go straight to his voicemail.
It's so fucking cold.
viiii. please don't say you'll doubt me, please don't doubt me
707: are you doing this on purpose?
(name): what do you mean?
707: you know. this whole... reset thing. how many more times are you going to do this?
(name): i don't understand the question.
707: don't think you can pull a rachel dolezal and get away from this conversation.
707: do you remember anything at all?
(name): do you?
707: answer my question. please.
(name): i remember most things pretty well. most of what happened and how it happened... i still haven't figured out how to stop it, though.
707: so are you doing it on purpose?
(name): of course not! how could you think that? i'm so scared right now, i would never do this if i had a choice.
Seven doesn't answer for a long time. But when he does, you don't know how to respond.
707: you could run away.
707: from the rfa. you could just leave.
(name): luciel! i could never do that to the others.
You can almost see that nonchalant shrug of his.
707: you chose not to be close with anyone this time. they'd be sad if you left, but it wouldn't
707: devastate any of them.
(name): i'm still going to stay.
(name): i'll still see this party all the way through. even if i'm not that close with them, everyone is still depending on me to host it.
707: i see. good luck, then, princess. i'll see you out there.
You reset the next morning.
x. just grab me by my clothespins and shake out the dust that has settled in my veins, it's been here too long and i cannot stand to cough up any more sawdust
In your anger at being reset again, you can't bring yourself to chase after Yoosung or Zen.
It wouldn't be fair to either of them for you to barge into their lives one more time. Even though they're both blissfully unaware of the events that are about to unfold, there's still a wrenching feeling in your stomach whenever you talk to them.
And somehow, in some way shape or form, these feelings of frustration and irritation connect you to Jaehee. She feels just as you do, doing all of Jumin's dirty work and not being appreciated for it, almost collapsing from exhaustion.
So you bond with Jaehee, first over Zen's musicals and then over a mutual feeling of helplessness. You fall in love with the sound of Jaehee's laugh, the pure mirth and happiness that she can exude. You fall in love with her for larger reasons, for her strength or her unwavering loyalty, there's so much beauty from one person, you almost don't know what to do with yourself.
She makes you coffee in the mornings, and you make scrambled eggs, and in the evenings she makes kimchi and you make jajiangmyeon. Living with Jaehee is so peaceful, you almost become complacent.
You almost forget about the resets, about the loss you feel, about the desperation.
And then one night, when Jaehee falls asleep next to you, her thin arms wrapped around your waist, the realization hits you that this isn't the end.
"No," you whisper despairingly through your tears, "please, no."
Jaehee wakes up just as you go limp in her arms.
xi. love is just a broken vase whose shape everyone remembers differently
It begins again.
You're lucky this time. It only took a month for the reset to happen.
Unknown: Can you read this?
(name): you know, have you ever told the stars to go fuck themselves?
Unknown: I'm sorry, what?
Unknown: Can you read this?
(name): please just leave me alone.
(name): i cnA'T do this anYMROE.
(name): i'm os scared.
(name): i'm so lonely.
Unknown: Um, are you okay?
(name): fuvck you.
(name): ffuck you.
(name): fuck you.
Unknown: Can you read this?
(name): i'm sorry.
(name): i give up.
(name): i'll do anything, just make it stop.
(name): leave me alone, saeran. please.
Unknown has left the chat.
Unknown: Can you read this?
(name): what do you want from me?
(name): i've always wondered, you know? why me? why would rika choose me, of all god forsaken people to do this to.
(name): of all the seven billion people on earth, it had to be me.
(name): ha. bet you liked that.
(name): seven. like your brother.
Unknown has left the chat.
xii. i will kick away the ladder just to stay by your side
You're so fucking angry.
You so angry and frustrated and so god damn helpless you feel like you're going to explode.
You've lost count of the number of times it's been, and you don't have the heart to ask Seven.
(name): meet me at the cafe across the street from rika's apartment.
(name) has left the chat.
You meet Seven at the cafe, both sullenly staring at the linoleum tiles beneath your feet.
"How many times has it been?" You ask, not really expecting an answer.
Seven snorts, "Too many."
You silently agree.
"What's the plan?"
"What do you want to achieve?"
"I want to protect everyone."
"No, I mean who're getting close to this time?"
You really don't like the way he's phrasing things.
"You make it sound like I'm whoring myself out to get something."
Seven shrugs, sliding further down in his chair. "My b."
Your eyes narrow, and there's something that burns red hot in your chest as you stare at his unresponsive figure. "Seven, what the fuck?"
He says nothing, only kicks at the ground listlessly and burns a hole in the ground with the intensity of his glare.
"That's all you're doing, right? Each time we repeat you just go after someone new. First it was Zen, then it was Yoosung, and then Jaehee. There's only Jumin and V left, right?" He shrugs again, "Who's it going to be?"
You stand suddenly, your chair falling back with a clatter. "What is wrong with you suddenly? How could you possibly think that I'm just toying around with everyone?"
But Seven isn't answering, he only turns his gaze from the floor to you and asks, "So which route are you going to take this time? V or Jumin? You can choose whoever you like."
He doesn't stop you when you whirl around and march out of the cafe in disgust.
xiii. god, i'm so sorry that i'm your umbrella and your rain
You marry Jumin eight months later.
Jaehee is the first to celebrate the union, probably elated by the fact that her boss is now enamored by something other than work and his goddamn cat. Yoosung and V are next, Yoosung childishly cheering and asking if you were planning on getting pregnant anytime soon and V happy for his friend for finding love. Zen is the last of the bunch to act, sad that his friend is marrying his mortal enemy
Seven does nothing, only marinates his heart in the acrid combination of jealousy and some kind of hatred.
And honestly, he's not even sure why he hates the idea of you marrying Jumin so much. But for Seven, he can't help but think how unfair it is, how unfair it is that he's the one that remembers everything you've been through together, and yet it's Jumin that you chose to marry.
Jumin is cold, insensitive, and irrationally possessive; and while he's done a great deal for Seven, he's so easy to dislike that Seven can't even bring himself to go to the wedding, let alone send a congratulatory text in the group message when you let the others know the news.
Yet for some reason, you liked him enough to marry him, leaving Seven alone knee-deep in the colder waters that everyone else called life, the stark, colorless sand a sad deception that would've devastated him a decade and a half ago.
Though he may try, Seven never quite finds it in himself to forgive you for going to Jumin.
But he discovers, two years later when time arbitrarily decides not to reset, that the cold doesn't feel so bad after he sheds what's left of his warmth.
(it doesn't help ward off the loneliness though.)
xiv. and when forgiveness comes, you will not recognize it
It's almost funny when you're back in your old apartment again, your eyes immediately finding the spider that hangs itself in the far left corner of your ceiling. You know the digital analog clock to your right reads 7:43 in glaring red numbers, the pile of unwashed and unfolded clothes at the foot of your bed has not grown any smaller or larger, and you almost smash your phone again when it keeps buzzing.
You close your eyes and unlock your phone, unwilling to see Unknown's message of customary greeting.
So you go through the motions once more: getting up, going to Rika's apartment, and unlocking the door.
The first thing you do when you get there is call Seven, forgetting all of the horrible things he'd said to you the last time.
You have his phone number down by heart now, calling him is almost instinct.
He picks up after the first ring, sounding just as tired of all this bullshit as you.
Your breaths are uneven.
"Why is this happening again?"
"I-I don't know."
xv. so stretch out the halls of your arms and let the world crash into them, pour your love into the clouds and the fig trees and the small squirrels that dart beneath them
Seven wakes up to his phone ringing, it's shrill cries sounding somehow frantic.
Then he realizes why.
Time has been reset. Again.
He picks up his phone without even looking, knowing exactly who it is.
Your terrified voice both breaks his heart and mends it. He hasn't really spoken to you in years.
After you'd married Jumin, he lost contact with you. You'd moved to Japan or Italy or somewhere else to that effect, somewhere far away where'd you'd been too busy to even text him.
So when your voice reaches his ears, the only thing Seven wants to do is rush to where you are and hold you, tell you it's going to be all right, this time we'll get it right, we'll do it correctly.
And then, somewhere in the back of his tortured mind, he wonders if it's his turn yet.
If this time around, you'll pick him.
But he pushes all thoughts of love and feelings to the side, because now you're both back to square one where no one knows who you are and he's not supposed to know who you are (although he kind of enjoys the triumph of being the only one who knows who you are) and it's time to start fresh.
So he meets you at a coffee shop, one close but not too close to the one that you and Jaehee used to go to and you're both silent for a while when ordering your drinks.
"What should we do?"
He stares at the faded blue of his jeans, unconsciously fingering his headphones and adjusting his glasses.
"Start from the bottom again, I guess."
There is defeat in everything he does, in the way he sits, in the way he speaks, and in the way he can't look at you.
You don't see the bitterness in his downturned eyes, the sullen resentment that roils in them.
"Who are you going to play with this time?"
You flinch, eyes hardening, "What?"
He finally looks up at you with cool regard.
"Who are you going to charm into falling in love with you this time?"
You're speechless, horrified that this is exactly what he'd been insinuating the last time.
"You-- I already told you before, it's not like that!"
"Really? Isn't it? Then why can't you just stick with one person every time?" There's something hard and cynical beneath the light facade that's latched itself onto Seven's face.
You lean away from him as thoughts spin through your head, attempting to defend yourself without seeming too defensive all at the same time, yet nothing is coming out.
You have to explain, you have to explain that you love everyone differently, that you value every one of the members, especially him, for being so fucking brave and understanding.
You have to tell him that you love him too.
You stir your coffee, watching as the liquid in your dainty cup swirls around, the gentle solidity of the color reminding you of Jaehee.
"Seven," you begin, your palms sweating slightly, "I--"
But he isn't listening, he's fiddling with his phone and half turned away from you, a telltale sign that he's done with this conversation and wants nothing more to do with you.
"Saeyoung, please," you plead, "listen."
But he doesn't.
It's not a surprise, he never did. He never listens when you try to defend yourself.
So you don't fight him. Instead, you sigh and stand up, placing a soothing hand on his shoulder.
"I... After this is all over, will you hear what I have to say?"
His muscles uncoil themselves just slightly under your touch, and you take that as a positive response.
You wish he would say something.
xvi. because oh, my stormboy, i'm so sorry for your thunder
His turn never comes.
His turn never comes because of some miscalculation along the way or some wrong move or something that he forgot, because of his stupidity or yours, or maybe because he was just never, ever meant to be happy.
You weren't supposed to get too close to anyone this time. You were supposed to be distant but not too distant and make the party a success. You were supposed to find Mint Eye and his brother and Rika but still stay safe.
You were supposed to stay alive so that he could have you this time.
He realizes his mistake only when it's too late, when you stop responding to his texts and don't pick up his calls, when the poisonous feeling of deja vu begins to settle in his chest all too heavily and familiarly. He prays that he won't get there too late this time, that he'll be the one that gets to play hero and save you at least one time.
Please, please, let me get to her in time plea--
His turn never comes.
You're fading before his eyes, glass and blood and emotions everywhere, and the only thing Seven can feel for sure is that he's crumbling.
He wants it all to stop.
He wants to forget and to not feel this urgency nipping at his heels every time time decides to reset, he wants to go back to how it was. Before all of this started.
He hates this, he hates you, he--
Seven holds your limp hands in his cold ones, furiously trying to complete his thought.
Why does he keep putting up with this?
And the answer, when it comes, is painfully simple, almost childish in logic, and so incredibly naive Saeyoung wholeheartedly believes it:
he loves you.
xvii. gone with the wind, swift like the unforgiving hearts that were too big for our bodies
He wakes up one morning, four years later, your number once again deleted from his phone, V once again introducing you to the rest of the group, and you once again hesitantly agreeing to help host the parties.
He calls you, his hands shaking and heart beating so loudly in his throat he's afraid he's going to throw up and release all the bittersweet love and anger that've been filling his lungs like air since the beginning.
It's quiet, and for a second Seven thinks that maybe this time you've forgotten everything."Hi, Saeyoung."
There's a tenderness in your voice that makes his heart burst as he stifles a sob.
"Hi, (name).""Miss me?"
He laughs. "You wish.""Hey Saeyoung?"
"Hm?""I love you."
The ice melts.
i. answer: all of them, none of them, and everything in between
Years later, on the last day of winter, Seven-- no, Saeyoung will look at you, perplexed, as liquid sunlight glides across the bedroom floor and gives your face a spectral glow.
"You look happy," he will say, affection in his tired eyes.
"That's not something to be concerned about," you will answer, a beautifully unique kind of joy on your face that his heart has never quite learned to stay calm at.
He will pull you closer, lean his cheek against the top of your head, and ask, "Why are you happy?"
Because I am alive, today, you will think.
Because no one came to take me away or kill me.
But instead, you will snuggle closer to the crook of his arm and whisper simply, "Because you stayed."