literature

want

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Literature Text

I want
<dd>a few things that are actually easy to come by; a glass of lemonade
some sweetened condensed milk
coconut
to pet my cat
and a replacement for my tablet pen;</dd>
but then again,
I want
<dd>to go to the moon
and to come back alive
and for nobody to believe me
but to not care
because me?
I went
to the moon.</dd>
I want
<dd>to get back the years I wasted
WASTED
on Neopets
and avidgamers
but I also
want
to speak to gollum again.</dd>
I want
<dd>to want things that are easier to come by
to feel gratitude,</dd>
to actually feel it,
<dd>every time that I say "thank-you."</dd>
I want
<dd>to lose a few pounds of fat
and gain it all back in muscle.</dd>
I want
<dd>to draw what I actually see, in my head
to sing in perfect pitch, effortlessly, beautifully
to dance without feeling like I look stupid
to write something I'm still proud of a year later
and
to learn to play the accordion.</dd>
Je veux
<dd>que mon français s'améliora
y mi español
también.</dd>
I want
<dd>to feel attractive
or at least acceptable; to like my body,
even just a little bit
and
to go swimming again.</dd>
(I want to know why
<dd>I hate it so much)</dd>
I want to
<dd>laugh longer
smile more
cry less
and share more easily</dd>
I NEVER WANT TO GROW UP.
I want
<dd>someone else to make all the decisions that I'm too afraid to make for myself
(but they have to be the ones that I secretly want them to make)</dd>
I want to wake up and for it to be
  • Christmas Morning; I'm eight years old, and Santa was here, last night. The air is alive with excitement. There is a taste of magic on that chocolatey, winter breeze. My brother and I giggle away the hours of the early morning, not quite daring to deek downstairs and spy upon The Tree; we eat candy and crack nuts and wait impatiently for our parents to finally, finally wake up. My brother tells me that it is a time of day when it is so early in the morning that it is still dark out, and I do not believe him. Under the tree, there will be nearly every present I asked for, and I will feel such joy opening them. In a few weeks, there will the the Ice Storm, followed by the Teacher's Strike, and it will be the longest Winter Vacation I may ever know.

    I want
    <dd>some key lime pie
    and to eat out with my family one last time
    before I go off to university.</dd>
    I want
    <dd>to have never read the Psychology section on Wikipedia
    because if I hadn't
    I couldn't incorrectly diagnose myself
    with a thousand disorders
    and phobias;</dd>
    I want
    <dd>to maybe speak
    to a psychologist
    without knowing anything
    so I am unbiased
    in my answers
    (unlike how I answer
    all these self-help tests
    on the Internet)</dd>
    I want
    <dd>to maybe speak to a psychologist
    at all
    and to actually admit to someone
    (who can do something about it)
    that I want this
    (without feeling
    like an attention whore
    or that nobody cares
    or that it's useless paranoia
    or that I don't deserve to be helped)

    • November 10th, 1995; I am finally, no longer four years old. I will never remember any more, what was so terrible about being 4, but I hated it. I will never voluntarily wear a dress again.

      I want to see
      <dd>an awful lot of people who I haven't seen in far too long:</dd>
      • Becca
        • Troy, Ryan
          • Maddie & Hillary
            • Uncle Ryan & Aunt Nancy
              • Kelly
                • Kevin, Trish, Lizzy,
                  • team
                    • Melody
                      • Amber & Meagan
                        • Carl
                          • Nicole
                            I want
                            <dd>to stop time, just for a moment,
                            or maybe an hour,
                            or maybe a year,</dd>
                            and to
                            <dd>wander around the world,
                            painting pictures,
                            taking photos,
                            breathing in fresh mountain air
                            and the stink of peat bogs
                            and salt water</dd>
                            and to
                            <dd>solve all these problems that plague me
                            in a dreamscape where nobody
                            can reach me</dd>
                            • Last September, and I actually get through all the projects Kelly assigns us, and I join up with the KCVI Improv team again instead- or even just go along to practices, and cheer them on. I feel productive and accomplished, and by the time I'm choosing where to apply for next year, I actually know what it is that I want to do. I meet up with Karen Peperkorn before Creative Arts begins, and get my portfolio settled earlier on, so that I have more time to do the actual projects.

                              • Last February, and I don't studdenly stop speaking to Studio, and they don't stop speaking to me, either. We do all those things we said that we would.

                                I want to
                                <dd>feel brave,
                                run for miles,
                                stand up for what I believe in</dd>
                                I want
                                <dd>your attention
                                (just a little bit more) of your attention
                                maybe a bit of appreciation
                                maybe a compliment
                                some proof that, as you profess
                                you actually
                                care</dd>
                                I want
                                <dd>to not need those things so terribly.</dd>

                                • My infancy; and someone is telling me that there is a great, invisible man in the sky, and that he will send me to Hell if I do not follow his 10 rules, but that I will, and that He loves me, and that everything is alright- and that I, being an infant, can absorb this knowledge, and actually believe it, and be comforted and hoodwinked by this absurdity, and truly believe, that everything is going to be alright-

                                  I want
                                  <dd>to actually understand physics and chemistry, so that I understand my own belief system just as concretely as the theists do theirs.</dd>
                                  I want
                                  <dd>to go canoeing, and kayaking, at my grandmother's cottage
                                  with Becca, if you please
                                  and Heidi, too</dd>
                                  I really, really want
                                  and I need
                                  <dd>for my grandfather's test results to
                                  please
                                  please
                                  come back
                                  negative</dd>
                                  I want
                                  <dd>to know what I'm doing
                                  and to feel after I've done it
                                  that I actually did it well</dd>
                                  I want
                                  <dd>to actually feel excited about
                                  something
                                  anything
                                  again</dd>
                                  I want
                                  <dd>to feel less afraid
                                  and less frequently</dd>
                                  I want to, once more, go dancing in the ocean, under the stars
                                  with
                                  my choir
                                  I want to take back so many things that I have said
                                  <dd>to be honest
                                  to beg for a second chance
                                  to deserve a second chance</dd>
                                  I WANT WORLD PEACE
                                  <dd>EQUALITY
                                  LOVE
                                  AN END TO POVERTY
                                  FREEDOM
                                  (from) of religion
                                  and to not have to lift a finger
                                  for these things
                                  to occur</dd>
                                  I want to be the next
                                  <dd>J.K. Rowling</dd>
                                  but also the very first
                                  <dd>Me</dd>
                                  I want to be
                                  <dd>less selfish.</dd>
                                  • November 2002, and I have just met Nami and Becca, and I am so happy.

                                    • August 2002, and maybe, just maybe, I can get a letter to Hogwarts, this year.

                                      • Just a month ago, and my family is still whole, and my relatives aren't in hospital, and I've already started packing and buying and cleaning for University, and everything is going smoothly and according to some kind of plan

                                        • Last Christmas, and I'll actually enjoy it this time, truly feel that missing gratitude for every present I unwrap; my cat is not mysteriously ill yet, my father is home more than once every two weeks, and I actually get my parents gifts that they will love and cherish and remember

                                          I want to be
                                          <dd>happier
                                          more open
                                          more honest
                                          and braver</dd>
                                          I want
                                          <dd>to not cry myself to sleep at night, ever again
                                          or maybe to have the courage to speak to someone else
                                          about why I was crying
                                          so that maybe
                                          they can help me
                                          fix it</dd>
                                          I want
                                          <dd>to be happy
                                          whether that means that my circumstances change
                                          or that what I require for happiness
                                          becomes much easier to attain</dd>
                                          I want to KNOW
                                          <dd>what it is that,
                                          at the end of the day
                                          at the end of my hopefully long life,
                                          what it is that I actually</dd>
                                          want.
don't worry
it's almost 1AM
I'm tired
I have to work in the morning
and a lot of shit
has gone down recently
but really
I'm
just
fine

also
I am editting this
like every five seconds
yeah
© 2009 - 2022 pumpkinskull
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WaxandFeathers's avatar
This is genius. <3