Dan: Across the Internet, legends are made and broken on a whim. Today, we're pitting the greatest assassin of the modern Internet against a legend - the product of childhood, long forgotten on the Internet.
Lacie: The Copypasta Navy SEAL, the Man trained in Gorilla Warfare.
Dan: The Ninja, the wielder of Real Ultimate Power.
Lacie: I'm Lacie and he's Dan and it's our job to analyze each fighter's pros, cons, strengths and weaknesses to see who would survive...
Dan: The Clash of Warriors.
Weight: 175 lbs.
Occupation: United States Navy SEAL [Sea, Air, Land]
Weight: 175 lbs.
Occupation: United States Navy SEAL [Sea, Air, Land]
+Graduated top in his class in the Navy SEALs
+Involved in numerous raids on al-Qaeda
+Over 300 confirmed kills
+Top sniper in the entire US military
+Will wipe you out with precision never seen on the likes of Earth
Dan: One day, some kid posted some dumb shit on 4chan. Happens every day, without fail. That's all of /b/, for instance.
Lacie: But this kid insulted the wrong man. THis man.. is the deadliest force in America, the deadliest Navy SEAL of all time. He is the top sniper in the US military.
Dan: The man insulted the kid, boasted of his accomplishments, and left. Nothing but this message is known for sure. He's a secret man, and has gone on secret raids. What we do know? He's deadly.
+Top of the line in the US military
+Trained in 'gorilla' warfare
--Probably involves flinging shit
+Knows 700 ways to kill with his hands alone
+Extensive training in unarmed combat
Lacie: The Navy SEAL has the best 'gorilla' training available in the military. He's trained for years in hand to hand combat, gunmanship, firing, first aid, and a plethora of other skills. He knows 700 ways to kill with his bare hands.
Dan: SEALs are trained extremely toughly, and over 90% of applicants don't make the cut. Applicants, for competitive standards, must be able to swim 500 yards in 9 minutes, perform 90 pushups in 2 minutes, perform 85 sit-ups in 2 minutes, perform 18 pullups from a dead hang, and run a mile and a half in at most nine and a half minutes.
Dan: Once they make it through, applicants must go through weeks of schooling. The Naval Special Warfare Preparatory School teaches applicants of the physical standards of becoming a SEAL. The Basic Underwater Demolition/SEAL Training goes over intense physical standards, and teaches in swimming and land-based combat.
Lacie: Wikipedia, uh, helping you out there?
Dan: SEAL Qualification Training goes over weapons, hand to hand combat, unit tactics, navigation, demolitions, cold-weather missions and medical skills.
Lacie: Literally quoting the damn thing.
Dan: Finally, SEAL Troop Training occurs once assigned to a squad. Operators must have an understanding of sniping, advanced hand to hand combat, 'Surreptitious Entry', underwater fighting, driving, climbing, parachuting, advanced demolition, and drone operation. Unit Level Training goes over, once again, basic skills like fighting and entry. Finally, Task Group Level Training trains with the other members of a squadron, such as medical or intelligence teams.
Lacie: You done yet?
Dan: Done giving out information which is our job.
Lacie: Good. Gun time.
Access to the entire weaponry of the United States Marine Corps
+7 inches long
+1095 carbon steel steel clip point
+Weighs 1.162 kg loaded
+Cartridge: 9x19 Parabellum
+Muzzle Velocity: 381 m/s
+Firing Range: 50 meters
+Feed: 15 round box magazine
+Weighs 8.79 pounds loaded
+Cartridge: 5.56x45mm NATO
+Rate of Fire: 45-60 rpm [Semi-Automatic]
+Muzzle Velocity: 948 m/s
+Firing Range: 600 meters
+Feed: Beta C-Mag 100-round drum magazine
United States Marine Corps Squad Advanced Marksman Rifle
+Weighs 10 lbs. loaded
+Cartridge: 5.56mm NATO
+Muzzle Velocity: 930 m/s
+Firing Range: 550m
+Feed: 30-round STANAG magazine
+Weighs 32.5 pounds unloaded
+Caliber: .50 BMG [12.7x99mm]
+Muzzle Velocity: 900 m/s
+Firing Range: 2000 meters
+Feed: 10 round magazine
Colt 9mm SMG
+Weighs 5.75 lbs unloaded
+Rate of Fire: 1000 rpm
+Cartridge: 9x19 Parabellum
+Muzzle Velocity: 396 m/s
+Firing Range: 100m
+Feed: 32-round box magazine
+Weighs 8.42 kg loaded
+Cartridge: 12 gauge
+Rate of Fire: Pump action
+Firing Range: 50.2 meters
+Feed: 7+1 internal tube
+Weighs 127.87 lbs loaded
+Cartridge: .50 BMG [12.7x99mm]
+Rate of Fire: 485-635 rpm [Not unlikely the Marine could acquire a 1200 rpm model]
+Muzzle Velocity: 890 m/s
+Firing Range: 6,800 meters
+Weighs 0.875 pounds
+Filled with Composition B
+Releases fragments upon explosion
Mk 19 Grenade Launcher
+Automatic Grenade Launcher
+Weighs 68 pounds empty
+Cartridge: 40x53mm Grenades
+Rate of Fire: 325-375 rpm
+Muzzle Velocity: 240 m/s
+Firing Range: 2,023 meters
+Feed: 48 grenade belt
M327 120mm Expeditiary Fire Support System
+Weighs 1,283 pounds
+Shell is 41 lbs
+Cartridge: 120mm NATO mortar round
+Rate of Fire: 6-10 rpm
+Firing Range: 8,140 meters
+A goddamn mortar
+Weighs 7,540 pounds
+Elevation of 0 to 71.7
+Cartridge: M982 Excalibur
+Rate of Fire: 5 rpm
+Firing Range: 40,000 meters
+Excalibur is a GPS-guided munition which costs over $50,000 per rocket
+Excalibur weighs 106 lbs
+Weighs 5.5 lbs
+Muzzle Velocity: 145 m/s
+Firing Range: 200m
M18A1 Claymore Mine
+Fires steel balls out to 100m
+Can rip a man in half
+700 balls per unit
+Muzzle Velocity: 1,200 m/s
+Range: 250 meters
Dan: What the fuck.
Lacie: The Navy SEAL has access to all of the weapons of the US Marine Corps. This means that he can access any weapon - be it pistol, rifle, SMG-
Dan: Heavy machine gun, automatic grenade launcher, howitzer that requires a team of six-
Lacie: Nah. It's cool. He's got guns. Can he use them, though?
-"I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words."
-Can be anywhere, anytime
-Can trace IPs over the Internet to determine location
-Can literally shit fury
-Likely a release of the hormones involved with the biological fury process
-Implies high-speed regeneration of hormones and tissue
Dan: The SEAL is the most accurate sniper on the face of the planet. He can be anywhere, anytime, and kill you. He'll wipe you off the continent. He can see you through the Internet, so don't try to hide. He's the deadliest man on Earth.
Lacie: And can shit fury. Literally, you'll drown in it.
Dan: I will say I tried to figure out what it is.
Lacie: And you failed.
Dan: He's the deadliest man on Earth and will shit you to death. I shit you not.
(What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.)
Age: First Observed in 8,000,000,000,000 B.C.E.
Height: Average [5'8"]
Weight: Fit [175 lbs.]
+Killed an entire town when a dude dropped a spoon
+Beat a guy's ass bad [In a group]
+Killed a dude by chopping a building down on him!!!
+Killed a rich dude and all of his dogs
+Survived dating a girl who was so hot, steam came out of her body and gave normal men 16 boners
+Killed a pirate with lasers and everything
+Given dominion over everything totally sweet by God
+2 ninjas killed an entire squadron of pirates
+60,000 ninjas in unison killed a country
+Killed an entire class of 8th graders because one dumbass had to jack off
+Porked 500 hot babes at once
Dan: Shinobi, or Ninja, were assassins, mercenaries, and covert agents in Feudal Japan. Ninja became most prominent in the unruly Iga Province and other areas around the town of Koga. The clans from this area are the most well-known ninja.
Lacie: Wouldn't that make them.. not very good ninjas?
Dan: Regardless, ninjas were skilled operatives but generally faded after the unification of Japan in 1603. By 1868, the ninja was primarily a subject of legend and folklore.
Lacie: Then, one teenager named Robert Hamburger found the ninja, the they were never the same.
Dan: Under Hamburger's continuity, ninja are violent but extremely skilled. They flip out and kill people all the time, and don't even think twice about it.
Lacie: Created 8 trillion years ago, before our solar system or even the universe, ninja were given authority by God over everything sweet. Ever since, they've been working in mysterious ways. Porking girls, and killing people.
+Can kill anyone they want
+Cut off heads all the time and don't even think twice about it
+So crazy and awesome, they flip out all the time
+Will chop the head off anyone who doesn't have a life
+Don't give a fuck, but are calm and precise
+Can be mean or totally awesome
+Spend their time flying or stabbing when they aren't flipping out and killing people
Dan: There are three facts of ninja. They are mammals-
Dan: They fight all the time-
Lacie: I guess, sort of.
Dan: Their purpose is to flip out and kill people.
+Fight all the time
+Purpose is to flip out and kill people
Dan: However, ninja still wield a variety of weapons. Though the common sighting of ninjas with guns is false, they use a 'ninja sword', 'ninja star', and .. 'guitar'-
Lacie: How the fuck does a guitar work as a weapon? What, dya just bash it over someone's head?
Dan: The vibrations of a guitar can do many things, from causing people to shit themselves uncontrollably to turning them into a diaper.
Lacie: I should get a guitar.. hmm.. I wonder what music they listen to..
Weapons and Gear
+Chopped down a building
+Cut a dude's head totally off
-Used when flipping out
-60,000 can kill a country
-Can cause people to shit themselves and have their chests/ass explode
-Can force people to dance worse than white people
-Morph pirates into a diaper
Dan: Thanks to being blessed by God, presumably, ninja can shapeshift, have superhuman strength, and have magic. They can fly, stick to walls, and even emit some kind of 'bio-slime'. However, ninja usually prefer to hide and then flip out.
Lacie: Are you.. ignoring something?
Dan: Hmm? No, shouldn't be.
Lacie: Ninja have dick magic. They can have a boner six feet long.
Dan: ..sigh.. They can create a boner 'bigger than the biggest blackest boner alive.'
Lacie: Oh, yeah, best part? Lexington Steel my ass- that came out wrong.
Dan: Came out wrong.
Lacie: Fuck you.
Dan: I'm not Lexington Steel.
Lacie: Damn it!
Dan: Lacie's point was that the biggest dick belongs to a white man. But that's besides the point, because ninja have a weakness. And it isn't their dicks.
-Can hide as a babe
-Can instantly turn from a disguise to flipping out
-Crushed a guy's head like a melon
-Chopped down a building
-Evaporated two dogs by kicking them in the nuts
-Can make dogs explode by kicking them in the nuts
-Can spank a boy so hard he squirts urine
-Can create "biggest boner ever, bigger than the biggest blackest boner alive".
-Largest erect penis known belongs to Jonah Falcon, who is white, with a length of 13.5 inches or 34.29 centimeters
-Capable of smashing an entire restaurant
-Outmatched a person who had 16 boners
-Made all 16 boners explode
-Six feet long
-Used to stop a nursing home from being destroyed
-Knows several spells
-Invented in 3,000 B.C.E.
-Sticking to Walls
Dan: Not only are ninjas vulnerable to A.D.D., meaning they easily lose power/energy, ninja are also psychotic as shit.
Lacie: When there's no one to kill? Ninja will kill themselves through any method necessary.
Dan: Including covering a frisbee with butter, bending it in two, and swallowing the thing.
Lacie: Oh, that'd never work- YOUNG, YOU DUMB SHIT!
Dan: Why'd you even invite him? I mean, he's fine, but why?
Lacie: He's Japanese.
Dan: That's.. racist..
Lacie: Nah. He knows ninja, he's one, right?
Dan: What's his full name, again?
Lacie: Young Samur- ah, shit.
Dan: The Ninja is a whole new meaning of deadly. They are the fighters with real ultimate power.
-Get distracted easily
-Kill themselves for no reason
--This is why so few remain
-Ancient art of ninjas killing themselves when there's no one to kill
-Use all sorts of crap to kill themselves
Scared by ghost/aliens
(Dark smoke fills the scene and pump up music slowly gets louder. The audience sees a ninja and his girlfriend eating at a super expensive restaurant. The girlfriend is so hot that steam is coming out of her mouth or hair. Some old idiot is sitting by the couple. The idiot is giving the girlfriend "the eye" and popping like 16 boners. But the ninja sees the boners and the music really pumps up. The audience knows this guy is dead meat for sure. But out of nowhere, the old idiot pulls off his jacket to show that he is a pirate with lasers and everything. The ninja is like yeah right who cares and then pops the biggest boner ever, bigger than the biggest blackest boner alive. The ninja's boner smashes the entire restaurant. Every single one of the pirate's boners explodes while making a whistling sound. The ninja looks back at his girlfriend. She smiles and they pork.)