Prelude: Dan Hibiki vs. Magikarp

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Dan: The underdog, the greatest fighter held back by the world. They've battled oppression their entire life.. but in a clash of unleashed potential, who would pull off a victory?

Lacie: Magikarp, the.. God-slaying.. Fish Pokemon.

Dan: Hibiki Dan, self-taught assassin artist of the Saikyō-ryū style.

Lacie: I'm Lacie, that mad bastard is Dan, and it's our job to analyze each fighter's lack of weapons, armor, and skill to see who would survive..


Lacie: You're an idiot, Dan. A big dumb idiot-head. Screw it. Non-canon it is.
(Dan: You've never heard of me? Give me a break! I'm Dan Hibiki!)

Name: Dan Hibiki 
Height: 5'10'' | 177 cm
Weight: 163 lbs. | 74 kg
Occupation: Dojo Master of the Saikyō-ryū style

Defeated Chun-Li, Balrog, and M. Bison
Defeated Sagat to avenge his father
Trained by Gouken
Does well in average street fighting competitions
Merged Anatsuken with Muay Thai to form his own martial art
Can channel the Satsui no Hado, the darkest ki in the Street Fighter universe
Trained Sakura Kasugano and Jimmy Blanka

Dan: Dan Hibiki was born to Go Hibiki, a prominent martial artist in Hong Kong. One day, though, Go Hibiki found a fight with the Muay Thai king Sagat. While Go was able to gouge out Sagat's eye, Sagat killed Go.

Lacie: And then, as a form of vengeance, Dan become a freedom-defending, Nazi-thrashing-

Dan: Dan would then go on a quest to kill Sagat, and along the way, battled the evil forces of Shadaloo. He would make friends with Jimmy Blanka, who would become his only good friend.

Lacie: Along with Sakura Kasugano, a, uh..

Dan: A 14 year old Japanese fangirl.

Lacie: Yeah! Like, that's not cool! You can't just do stuff like that. Sakura should become more independent.

Dan: From her dojo master?

Lacie: Master? Sakura kicked his ass on more than one occasion. This is like you and me fighting, Dan.

Dan: Not much point in winning a thrown fight, eh?

Lacie: Wait, what?

Dan: Dan's training and his usage of Ki has elevated his body beyond human levels. It doesn't look like it, but he can survive the island-busting moves of Akuma and outpace even bullet-dodgers.

Lacie: Everyone can dodge bullets. Usagi did it once. 

Dan: Once, Dan even survived Zangief's -

Lacie: Is that Zangief?

Dan: Looks close enough - 

Lacie: Racisst :(

Dan: He survived the man's Final Atomic Buste, which is a move strong enough to break concrete on his head!

Lacie: To which he was knocked out. You may be seeing a trend here.
-Can destroy a car with his bare hands and feet
-Can hit people so hard they fly into the air
-Still impressively weak compared to the main cast
-More or less comparable to all other Street Fighters
-Dan uses a quick, agile form of fighting that pins foes in a corner
-Taught Blanka how to roll properly
-Can survive the lethal attacks of other Street Fighters
-Once survived a full 'Final Atomic Buster', which cracked solid concrete on his head
--Knocked him out

Dan: But that's not all. By focusing his natural Ki energy, Dan can project spheres of energy or augment his physical power in special ways; the Gadoken is a -

Lacie: Pathetically ranged and poorly damaging attack -

Dan: That is essentially the Dragon Ball Z version of a pimp slap. Boom.

Lacie: He can also use the Koryuken, a ripoff the Shoryuken, to break through defenses and extend combos. It's strong enough to throw people in the air, and is a potent tool in Dan's.. I can't even concentrate on this, the scrub is too strong in this one.

Dan: Well, maybe the Dankukyaku -

Lacie: He named an attack after himself. What a prick.

Dan: You'll see that.

Lacie: Lovely.

Dan: Hey, hey, that's my line!

Lacie: Haha, neerd

Dan: Anyways, Dan's Dankukyaku is a special technique - 

Lacie: Which is essentially bumrushing a guy and kicking the absolute piss out of him.  

Dan: Why do I bother with you. Why.

-Close range
-Ripoff of Hadoken
-Focused blast of Ki energy
-Basically an energy slap
-Can be used for defense
-Ripoff of the Shoryuken
-Jumping uppercut
-Combination of forward leap, knee, and kick
-Can hit multiple times
-Based off of the Tatsumaki

Dan: Dan can also use super combos, super versions of his moves that require physical stamina to pull off. 

Lacie: You, uh, redundant much?

Dan: You mean.. redun-dan-t much?

Lacie: I'm going to shank you!

Dan: Wait, what? I beg your pardon?

Lacie: I is hood! Imma get my homie bois up in heya and be like 'B-BAM' and y'all be on the floor and Faye's gon' be chillin' and laughin' n' shit

Dan: No, you're not. Dan can use the Koryu Rekka - 

Lacie: Imma bouta go Rekka on your face if you don't get out my grill!

Dan: Or the Hissho Buraiken - 

Lacie: Dan succumbing to his cishet urges and unleashing his primal rage on anything good and sacred.

Dan: Of course, it has nothing on the Shinku Gadoken, a super powered Gadoken like a Kamehameha. Of course, that holds nothing to any other super in the game.

Lacie: Like Dan's Legendary Taunt!

Dan: Bugger all is that supposed to mean?

Koryu Rekka
-Multiple Koryuken that hits multiple times
-Generally little range
Shinku Gadoken
-Superpowered Gadoken
-Inflicts more damage than Ryu's Shinku Hadoken
-Shot with two hands
Hissho Buraiken
-Flurry of close-range punches and kicks
-Ends with a Koryuken
-Absolutely pathetic range
-19-hit combo
Legendary Taunt
-Absolutely no damage in any way
-Only used when victory is assured
-Absolutely no effect on a bloody fish

Dan: Dan can also -


Dan: Hope you're pleased with yourself.

Lacie: Darn tootin'

Dan: Caan also use the Shisso - 

Lacie: Shit tier Biraiken! Not even Japanese!

Dan: It's Street Fighter, who cares about correct translations or titles, or gameplay for that matter?

Lacie: God damn it Dan stop offending all the Street Fighter fans

Dan: It’s true. Better games exist.

Lacie: Like what ya basted?

Dan: Tekken’s use of combos and stately - 

Lacie: no one gives a shit about Tekken alright with Shit Buraiken he beats people to death, Haoh Gadoken is ejaculating ki onto someone at close range and burning them but how far can ya jizz?

Dan: ...Hmm.

Lacie: Oh, and he can mimic the Shun Goku Satsu by blowing his load all over someone, also hurting him more than them, fuckin' idiot

Dan: Or just, you know, actually perform the soul-destroying Shun Goku Satsu technique. He’s done it before.

Lacie: *click* or naww
This is canon you pricks
Shisso Buraiken
-Powerful set of kicks and punches, ending in a Gadoken
-Ends with a smile and a thumbs-ups :)
Haoh Gadoken
-Full, super powered Gadoken
-Shoots Dan back, implying he cannot take the power
-Limited range
Otoko Michi
-Designed after Akuma's Shun Goku Satsu
-After rushing a foe, Dan basically hugs them and envelops them in a ball of energy
-The energy explodes, dealing significant damage to both characters
-Hurts Dan more than the other guy
-Actually superior damage than the Shun Goku Satsu

Dan: Dan is far from a perfect fighter. He is arrogant, and believes he is far more capable than he actually is.

Lacie: Fatally overconfident, he thinks he can fight Ryu and then he gets his shit stomped in

Dan: In addition, his move pool is.. weak, to say the least.

Lacie: no shit sherlock

Dan: Tell’em.

Lacie: How did you change character so fast dammit we need this recording

Dan: Because I'm not drunk on set.


Dan: But, still, Dan Hibiki may just be one of the best fighters in history.

Lacie: no he isn't

Dan: His goal, his drive, leads him to victory. Perhaps, if Dan tries hard enough, Go Hibiki shall know peace from beyond the grave..

(Dan: Sagaaaaaaaaaaat!! You killed my FATHER!! Remember my name before you die! I am Dan Hibiki!! I am the strongest martial artist! Feel my wrath!!)


Name: Magikarp | Koikingo
Age: Unknown, many years
Height: 2'11'' | 0.89 meters
Weight: 22 lbs. | 10 kg
Occupation: Fish Pokemon

Can survive in any water environment, including acid
Significantly stronger in the past
Can leap over mountains
Can blast off using Splash like Team Rocket
Can use Splash attack
Has been known to sweep entire teams of gods in competitive multiplayer; including the resident gods of Space and Time and even the Creator God of the universe!

Dan: Magikarp, the Fish Pokemon. It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world. Well then.

Lacie: I almost want to make an oppression joke but dammit, I need representation! It's a Magikarp! It's a useless bitch!

Dan: And I see this is why we don't do recordings at well past midnight. Ahem. You're a wizard. Fix it yourself.

Lacie: (Clearly less tired) Well, thanks to AVON SLEEP JUICE I got some sleep, anyways, screw advertisement let's go.

Dan: An incredibly weak Fish, Magikarp is a 22 lb. Pokemon that lives in rivers and lakes, though its weak muscles prevent it from ever going anywhere.

Lacie: Sometimes, when some dumbass catches one or buys one for 500 sweet neo-s-

Dan: Is Magikarp vs. Dan not interesting enough to the point that you got drunk already?

Lacie: Eyyeuup!

Dan: Magikarp's moveset when in battle is incredibly limited and weak. It revolves around Splash, a move of flopping around hopelessly.

Lacie: Basically the battle equivalent of posting on /b/ about indencency.

Dan: An elder Magikarp can leap mountains using Splash. It remains useless, however.

Lacie: It can also ram itself at you, in what is the weakest attack ever, Tackle.

Dan: Bounce is a combination of the two, propelling Magikarp into the air and coming down with such force that it can paralyze people.

Lacie: Plus, it can flail around like a little bitch and do damage. WHAT A POWERFUL INSPIRATION, DANIEL

Dan: Flail improves with power as Magikarp's health goes down. At max power, it can kill gods.

Lacie: AND, when Magikarp has 3x normal attack power and maximum EV's and IV's.

Dan: And those are?

Lacie: A signal to STFU and not make me work after 7. I swear. Don't do it. Ever again. I need beauty sleep. You're not giving it to me.

Dan: Hmm. I wonder who's fault that is.

-No damage
-Type: Normal
-Absolutely no effect
-Can propel Magikarp like a rocket over mountains
-Type: Normal
-22 lbs of fish
-Base damage: 50
-100% accuracy
-Full body slam
-Can be used 35 times
-Type: Normal
-Accuracy: 100%
-Deals more damage the less health Magikarp has
-N = 48 × CurrentHP ÷ MaxHP
-At 1 HP, has a base attack of 200
-Desperate attack
-Has been known to solo entire teams of Pokemon in a competitive setting
-Type: Flying
-Power: 85
-Accuracy: 85%
-Can be used 5 times
-First turn, flies up and becomes invulnerable to damage
-Second turn comes down and deals significant damage
-30% chance of paralysis
-Decent range
Dragon Rage
-Type: Dragon
-Shock wave emitted from the mouth like black lightning
-Always inflicts 40 HP

Dan: And what glorious stats does Magikarp have, eh?

Lacie: Magikarp's stats are.. not ideal. At all. It is a weak Pokemon, with an incredibly low inherent potential in health, attack, special attack, and special defense. It's defense is barely meager. It's only actually decent stat is speed.

Dan: Given that the damn thing can Splash over mountains in seconds, makes sense.

HP: 244
Attack: 130
Defense: 229
Special Attack: 141
Special Defense: 152
Speed: 284

Dan: If that doesn't work, though, there is another set of skills Magikarp can utilize.

Lacie: It can swim fast. Because it's a fish. Wait, in rain?

Dan: Yes..?

Lacie: Oh good god the thing flies on water molecules. Dan is that possible?

Dan: No.

Lacie: But hey hey kids, y'know what else it can do? Get scared.

Dan: It can also restore health when in water using Gulp.

-When hit by a Ghost, Bug, or Dark move, Speed is increased 150%
-Fears being hit again
Swift Swim
-Doubles speed when in rain
-Restores health when in water

Lacie: So, uh, gonna scrap this recording?

Dan: What?

Lacie: Let's be honest. Stats, abilities, moveset, it's a standard match. Boring. No feats. Dan's gonna wreck his shit.

Dan: I wouldn't go that far, Flail's a valid tool -

Lacie: Alright, you know what Dan? You said no evolution, right?

Dan: Yes, as it presents an unfair advantage and ruins the spirit of the match-

Lacie: Fuckit! Through multiple events held by Nintendo, special Magikarps have been given that know Bubble and Hydro Pump! So, uh, he can shoot bubbles from his mouth or just shoot a concentrated beam of water under such pressure that a Blastoise using the move could puncture steel!

Dan: You know what? I'm done. You are not hijacking my show.

Lacie: ..Hey! Biyatch! I'm the queen here. I run the show. I display the fights. I research! All you do is sit on your ass and watch Touhou all day!

Dan: Coming from the Homestuck obsessed fangirl. Go talk to some Elder God, maybe the story would be better than the shipbait!

Lacie: Yeah, just go back to England and watch more lolis -

Dan: You know what? I don't need you! I'm quitting! To hell with your bulls and beastiality!

(Hard slamming of door)

Lacie: ..Ah, shit. I'll see you all later.

-Inflicts 30 base damage
-100% accuracy
-10% chance of lowering speed
-Weak attack
Hydro Pump
-Significantly stronger attack
-Shoots a water jet at very high pressure
-Blastoise could hit things from 160 feet away and beak through steel
-Strongest water attack
-110 base attack
-80% accuracy

Is a Magikarp
Weak swimming muscles
Splash is a useless move
Easily eaten by predators like Pidgeotto
Flail's incredible power can only be achieved with outside help; Magikarp sweeps are difficult and require help

(Magikarp Girl: Magikarp, Magikarp, Magikarp...)


Or Tekken, for that matter. But hey. Magikarp. Magnificent son of a bitch.

Pokemon vs. Street Fighter! The joke characters face off! Can Dan finally make everyone proud by beating up a helpless fish, or will Magikarp splash his way to victory!? The ultimate battle commences!

Dan Hibiki (C) Street Fighter, Capcom
Magikarp (C) Game Freak, Nintendo

This isn't good.

Some feces is currently hitting the ceiling fan at Team MM Headquarters.
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leonardthereptile's avatar
Never mind with the bio