Prelude: Dan Hibiki vs. Magikarp

Dan: Dan Hibiki was born to Go Hibiki, a prominent martial artist in Hong Kong. One day, though, Go Hibiki found a fight with the Muay Thai king Sagat. While Go was able to gouge out Sagat's eye, Sagat killed Go.

Lacie: And then, as a form of vengeance, Dan become a freedom-defending, Nazi-thrashing-

Dan: Dan would then go on a quest to kill Sagat, and along the way, battled the evil forces of Shadaloo. He would make friends with Jimmy Blanka, who would become his only good friend.

Lacie: Along with Sakura Kasugano, a, uh..

Dan: A 14 year old Japanese fangirl.

Lacie: Yeah! Like, that's not cool! You can't just do stuff like that. Sakura should become more independent.

Dan: From her dojo master?

Lacie: Master? Sakura kicked his ass on more than one occasion. This is like you and me fighting, Dan.

Dan: Not much point in winning a thrown fight, eh?

Lacie: Wait, what?

Dan: Dan's training and his usage of Ki has elevated his body beyond human levels. It doesn't look like it, but he can survive the island-busting moves of Akuma and outpace even bullet-dodgers.

Lacie: Everyone can dodge bullets. Usagi did it once. 

Dan: Once, Dan even survived Zangief's -

Lacie: Is that Zangief?

Dan: Looks close enough - 

Lacie: Racisst

Dan: He survived the man's Final Atomic Buste, which is a move strong enough to break concrete on his head!

Lacie: To which he was knocked out. You may be seeing a trend here.

PHYSICALITY:
Strength
-Can destroy a car with his bare hands and feet
-Can hit people so hard they fly into the air
-Still impressively weak compared to the main cast
Speed
-More or less comparable to all other Street Fighters
-Dan uses a quick, agile form of fighting that pins foes in a corner
-Taught Blanka how to roll properly
Durability
-Can survive the lethal attacks of other Street Fighters
-Once survived a full 'Final Atomic Buster', which cracked solid concrete on his head
--Knocked him out

Dan: But that's not all. By focusing his natural Ki energy, Dan can project spheres of energy or augment his physical power in special ways; the Gadoken is a -

Lacie: Pathetically ranged and poorly damaging attack -

Dan: That is essentially the Dragon Ball Z version of a pimp slap. Boom.

Lacie: He can also use the Koryuken, a ripoff the Shoryuken, to break through defenses and extend combos. It's strong enough to throw people in the air, and is a potent tool in Dan's.. I can't even concentrate on this, the scrub is too strong in this one.

Dan: Well, maybe the Dankukyaku -

Lacie: He named an attack after himself. What a prick.

Dan: You'll see that.

Lacie: Lovely.

Dan: Hey, hey, that's my line!

Lacie: Haha, neerd

Dan: Anyways, Dan's Dankukyaku is a special technique - 

Lacie: Which is essentially bumrushing a guy and kicking the absolute piss out of him.  

Dan: Why do I bother with you. Why.

Lacie: You, uh, redundant much?

Dan: You mean.. redun-dan-t much?

Lacie: I'm going to shank you!

Dan: Wait, what? I beg your pardon?

Lacie: I is hood! Imma get my homie bois up in heya and be like 'B-BAM' and y'all be on the floor and Faye's gon' be chillin' and laughin' n' shit

Dan: No, you're not. Dan can use the Koryu Rekka - 

Lacie: Imma bouta go Rekka on your face if you don't get out my grill!

Dan: Or the Hissho Buraiken - 

Lacie: Dan succumbing to his cishet urges and unleashing his primal rage on anything good and sacred.

Dan: Of course, it has nothing on the Shinku Gadoken, a super powered Gadoken like a Kamehameha. Of course, that holds nothing to any other super in the game.

Lacie: Like Dan's Legendary Taunt!

Dan: Bugger all is that supposed to mean?

Dan: Dan can also -

Lacie: ULTRAAAAAAA COMBOOOOOOOOOOO!

Dan: Hope you're pleased with yourself.

Lacie: Darn tootin'

Dan: Caan also use the Shisso - 

Lacie: Shit tier Biraiken! Not even Japanese!

Dan: It's Street Fighter, who cares about correct translations or titles, or gameplay for that matter?

Lacie: God damn it Dan stop offending all the Street Fighter fans

Lacie: no one gives a shit about Tekken alright with Shit Buraiken he beats people to death, Haoh Gadoken is ejaculating ki onto someone at close range and burning them but how far can ya jizz?

Dan: ...Hmm.

Lacie: Oh, and he can mimic the Shun Goku Satsu by blowing his load all over someone, also hurting him more than them, fuckin' idiot

Dan: Or just, you know, actually perform the soul-destroying Shun Goku Satsu technique. He’s done it before.

Lacie: *click* or naww

Dan: Magikarp, the Fish Pokemon. It is virtually worthless in terms of both power and speed. It is the most weak and pathetic Pokémon in the world. Well then.

Lacie: I almost want to make an oppression joke but dammit, I need representation! It's a Magikarp! It's a useless bitch!

Dan: And I see this is why we don't do recordings at well past midnight. Ahem. You're a wizard. Fix it yourself.

Lacie: (Clearly less tired) Well, thanks to AVON SLEEP JUICE I got some sleep, anyways, screw advertisement let's go.

Dan: An incredibly weak Fish, Magikarp is a 22 lb. Pokemon that lives in rivers and lakes, though its weak muscles prevent it from ever going anywhere.

Lacie: Sometimes, when some dumbass catches one or buys one for 500 sweet neo-s-

Dan: Is Magikarp vs. Dan not interesting enough to the point that you got drunk already?

Lacie: Eyyeuup!

Dan: Magikarp's moveset when in battle is incredibly limited and weak. It revolves around Splash, a move of flopping around hopelessly.

Lacie: Basically the battle equivalent of posting on /b/ about indencency.

Dan: An elder Magikarp can leap mountains using Splash. It remains useless, however.

Lacie: It can also ram itself at you, in what is the weakest attack ever, Tackle.

Dan: Bounce is a combination of the two, propelling Magikarp into the air and coming down with such force that it can paralyze people.

Lacie: Plus, it can flail around like a little bitch and do damage. WHAT A POWERFUL INSPIRATION, DANIEL

Dan: Flail improves with power as Magikarp's health goes down. At max power, it can kill gods.

Lacie: AND, when Magikarp has 3x normal attack power and maximum EV's and IV's.

Dan: And those are?

Lacie: A signal to STFU and not make me work after 7. I swear. Don't do it. Ever again. I need beauty sleep. You're not giving it to me.

Dan: Hmm. I wonder who's fault that is.

Dan: And what glorious stats does Magikarp have, eh?

Lacie: Magikarp's stats are.. not ideal. At all. It is a weak Pokemon, with an incredibly low inherent potential in health, attack, special attack, and special defense. It's defense is barely meager. It's only actually decent stat is speed.

Dan: Given that the damn thing can Splash over mountains in seconds, makes sense.

STATS:
HP: 244
Attack: 130
Defense: 229
Special Attack: 141
Special Defense: 152
Speed: 284

Dan: If that doesn't work, though, there is another set of skills Magikarp can utilize.

Lacie: It can swim fast. Because it's a fish. Wait, in rain?

Dan: Yes..?

Lacie: Oh good god the thing flies on water molecules. Dan is that possible?

Dan: No.

Lacie: But hey hey kids, y'know what else it can do? Get scared.

Dan: It can also restore health when in water using Gulp.

ABILITIES:
Rattled
-When hit by a Ghost, Bug, or Dark move, Speed is increased 150%
-Fears being hit again
Swift Swim
-Doubles speed when in rain
Gulp
-Restores health when in water

Lacie: So, uh, gonna scrap this recording?

Dan: What?

Lacie: Let's be honest. Stats, abilities, moveset, it's a standard match. Boring. No feats. Dan's gonna wreck his shit.

Dan: I wouldn't go that far, Flail's a valid tool -

Lacie: Alright, you know what Dan? You said no evolution, right?

Dan: Yes, as it presents an unfair advantage and ruins the spirit of the match-

Lacie: Fuckit! Through multiple events held by Nintendo, special Magikarps have been given that know Bubble and Hydro Pump! So, uh, he can shoot bubbles from his mouth or just shoot a concentrated beam of water under such pressure that a Blastoise using the move could puncture steel!

Dan: You know what? I'm done. You are not hijacking my show.

Lacie: ..Hey! Biyatch! I'm the queen here. I run the show. I display the fights. I research! All you do is sit on your ass and watch Touhou all day!

Dan: Coming from the Homestuck obsessed fangirl. Go talk to some Elder God, maybe the story would be better than the shipbait!

Lacie: Yeah, just go back to England and watch more lolis -

Dan: You know what? I don't need you! I'm quitting! To hell with your bulls and beastiality!

(Hard slamming of door)

Lacie: ..Ah, shit. I'll see you all later.

Bubble
-Inflicts 30 base damage
-100% accuracy
-10% chance of lowering speed
-Weak attack
Hydro Pump
-Significantly stronger attack
-Shoots a water jet at very high pressure
-Blastoise could hit things from 160 feet away and beak through steel
-Strongest water attack
-110 base attack
-80% accuracy

WEAKNESSES:
Is a Magikarp
Weak swimming muscles
Splash is a useless move
Easily eaten by predators like Pidgeotto
Flail's incredible power can only be achieved with outside help; Magikarp sweeps are difficult and require help

(Magikarp Girl: Magikarp, Magikarp, Magikarp...)