All of my fires
have been put out now,
from the pyre of my heart
to the ember of my eye.
Once, dangerous flames
travelled in my wake
but all are subdued now.
And I think:
what use is a beacon
without a reason to burn?
Empty roomsIn empty rooms
vast quantities of nothing exists
where no naked eye
can observe the nothingness within.
When lounging in another room
or when a door just clicks closed
silent as a cacophony
in those empty rooms beyond.
And when a head peeks round a door
(like a feather
slowly drifting back down from a great height)
there really is just nothing
nothing happening in those empty rooms
nothing happening within.
MelancholicAfter my father died, life continued. Still, I was always taken aback by his terrible absence, marked so bitterly by the thick layer of dust that settled about the house. It lay in every corner, in deep slopes, and no amount of cleaning could unsettle it.
And in a similar way, every time I listened to a piece of music he would have admired, or a book he would have recommended, he passed across my memory, and then I would simply think, Oh.
When I slept, he told me things. In my dreams he whispered secrets, but they were soundless for there were no more secrets.
Sometimes, when at work or while shoe shopping or between mouthfuls at dinner, I would be bowled over by a surge of plaintive emotion. One that has no true name but one that is cruel and ruinous.
I always told myself: Things will get better. But they never did.
ZenithThere is a cerulean skyline
that I look to
when I wake up sad,
with no one to explain
this feeling to.
There is something out there,
between the dreams,
that I need to understand.
That outer limit,
I don't ever reach it,
but I want to.
This won't last forever.
I'm on my way.
RecallI hold my head in my hands
and begin to think,
attempt to recollect,
memory of you.
with your body
still close to mine.
to be asleep
when I know that you
are watching me.
through your hair
for your happy-cat smile.
All of them
are decent thoughts,
but nothing sparks.
Nothing reminds me
of that painful love
that went away
some time ago.
I can only remember
your excuses falling,
against my head
and arguments burning,
aching my failing love,
memory of you.
HindsightRegret is hindsight's backbone,
self-pity his creeping heart,
and bone fingers that scratch
as they work into your mind.
Leering lips, empty eyes
and crooked skeletal legs.
He shadows behind
waiting until he is needed
until a moment of nostalgia
pushes you back.
Paranoia over past happenings
is the poison that he seeps into you.
And when he's finished
he steps away again
but only for a moment.
WomanismAfter only so many days,
An ache creeps into me.
It is a balloon of pity,
But simply for myself, mind.
Such a furore stirs
That in the time between,
I am just a little girl,
No need for rights here.
I'll make you tea,
I'll wear clenching dresses,
I'll beg, cherish, plead.
When we meet again,
After only so many days,
You'd be searching long
To find these thoughts.
OrisonAlways look towards that
giant blind horizon.
Claw at it, keep going even
when you are raw.
Behind you lies every mistake
you ever made, even the
ones you hid.
Hold onto that desire burning
a chasm in your heart.
Never pity your
escape from the past.
Never forget it either.
Little BirdI feel your sure heart in my hands;
There is a terror over you.
One small squeeze
And paradise awaits.
I cocoon you between these two walls
And wait for your shrill howl
Are you not afraid?
You do not know that I am benign.
But your quivering silence
Is sound enough for me.
I never meant you any harm;
Fly like I will never know how.
Dear Moon:Dear Moon:
How could I forget you?
Your man and I
Have spoken for years,
I've been too busy to talk.
We worked our way
Through every utterance,
We wept and shouted in delight.
But a wedge grew,
And slowly our hands separated,
Until only fingertips
I need him most.
Please pass a message on:
Let's talk again.
He stands before the adoring crowd,
Basking in their cheers and standing ovation.
But he has already been dishonoured -
By means of his perverse innovation.
For none could know of the dark secret;
About the art that he claims to be his own.
It is naught but an illusion, smoke and mirrors -
A theft for which he must atone...
But this disgusting creature, this worthless abhuman;
So desperate for the glory which he sees upon the stage!
Will quietly don the skin of another;
An urge he must assuage...
Biting his nails, a cracked smile upon his lips, he whispers:
"No one will know, no one will find it and I am great..."
-Chen Yuan Wen, 24th October 2012
Words To Ash
Words To Ash
My embers burn / A dark fire roars
My suicidal war / A blaze of words
I wrote this for you...
The old me really wanted you to read it
To tell you the truth...
Of how I came to be beyond broken
But I had to keep it
Because I'll never see you again
So my wounds remain hidden
A letter deprived of hate, I forgave us in vain
I'm trying to undo what you have done
Even if its just a placebo effect
This is me trying to “move on”
From this smothering resentment
Confessions turn into infernos
You crushed my faith
A villain disguised as a hero
My lungs start to shake
The sinner is attending church tomorrow
While this saint is endlessly praying for strength
My soul surges / A red sky clears
My resolve emerges / A cure for tears
I've journeyed through the flames...
The new me knows the reasons for your trespasses
ugly consumptionmonday my little girl asked, "what would happen if someone ate
the sun and
how many calories does it have?"
and i wish i could see myself objectively, wish
my skin wasn't worn from
have you ever seen your
hands as i do, strange bloated things
in search of bones?
and i wish i could remember when beauty
was a mouth red as pomegranate seeds eyes
like sickle moons. back when it was
more than numbers. ninety-five, eighty-eight.
get down to eighty-five and you will be
thin and sexless as wet march.
tuesday pa told me: "acceptance ain't something you
can buy at a convenience store."
and i am all mass no energy
as if all this time i have been
thinking i am breathing city lights
but they are really just water. sorry,
sorry, sorry. i have
atlantis resting inside my lungs.
Wings Of Light
Wings Of Light
Upon me is the last dawn
Faded away has the last dusk
I leave behind all of the rights and wrongs
I don't deserve an afterlife that is also rough
Mesmerized in deep suspense
As I await the final arrival
My tears become so intense
These last moments of hope are vital
Allow me to break away
Accept the toll of my undying faith
I was careless as I fell
Mocking life itself
Every secret I held
Defined a broken side of myself
An inner slaughter I could not defend
A one-sided war that I could not fight against
My downfall is what I didn't want to prevent
I always lusted after the idea of my final descent
Because I knew that in the end I would ascend
All I can really do is live this divided life as best as I can
I realized that the only thing in perfection is being broken
And the only way to get rid of that is to wipe out my existence
Shine down and shine true
I will no longer be powerless
You don't know how long I've been waiting for you
Self Righteous SuicideSelf Righteous Suicide:
In a cold world,
That has long denied the light.
As we walk alone at night.
As we dream of endless death,
As we choke away our breath.
Tormented by our dreams.
None shall hear our screams.
A taste that is sickly sweet...
Let me end,
For hope I shall not meet...
"Why should we alone cry, when angels deserve to die?"
-Chen Yuan Wen, 24th February 2012
goddamn homosexualMy mom took a trip to Mexico
And stopped by a church to attend mass.
It was quaint, small and brightly colored,
So she went inside.
(She is Catholic and I am not.)
She knows Spanish, is practically fluent in it.
She knew, sitting in her pew, what the priest was saying
About those goddamn homosexuals
And their sin,
And how even the flames of hell
Were too good for them.
That there would be no tolerance from The Heavenly Father
Of their kind.
I had just come out to my mom less than a month before
"Yes I like girls."
My hands had been shaking and my throat was tight,
Like my heart was stuck in it.
For a moment I wanted nothing more than to curl into a ball
And simply fade away.
But mom smiled, pulled me into a hug, and said it was okay
And I knew it was.
Yet even if I hadn't confessed
Even if I weren't able to gather the strength,
I know she still would have walked out
Left behind those judgmental words,
Spewing from that judgmental man's lips.
It makes me wonder a
Lament of an AtheistI cut candles straight down their waxy center
just by looking into the flame. Slick peels of
honeycomb melt into my palm and blister skin.
Then the world ricochets forward.
I plummet back into my body and there's
a thick distortion in audio. A constant pulse at
the back of my eyes, tuned to the rhythm of your
heartbeat. I look for traces of you, but,
God, you're lost.
Leaves fall as paper lanterns from wooden fingers.
Spiraling upwards on the breath of cosmos, back
to Heaven, lit like the sun on a marvelous azure
backdrop. I needed your wisdom, but all is gone.
Christ, you're dead.
Atheists are not meant to love. Realists are not
meant for passion. Idealists are the dreamers
of their own demise; only they can make it
A man once told me that the astute make terrible
lovers, but I'll fight that to the bitter end. Maybe
the irrational are so hopeful in their wafts of
hallucination they cannot come to mindful conclusions
of their forsaken love.
There's a poet under my skin, itching
Dear mother, dear father
Dear brother, dear sister
Don't worry, you still have each other
And without me you're all so much stronger
Leave me behind and let me go, I promise the days will get brighter
Dear teachers, dear counselors
Dear therapists, dear doctors
You have my gratitude for what you all did
But I hit rock bottom too many times, and this last one was it
The end of the road again, as if no one could have kept me from a coffin
I was not fit to live life
I failed at everything, every time
I sincerely did my very best, I really tried
I just could no longer stand feeling so powerless inside
I lay wide awake every night
I prayed and prayed and asked "why?"
I was always silently drowning in the tears I cried
I am done with suffering, so this is where I draw the line
This is the end
One with a resentful beginning
It all came crashing down to nothing
It's what's only right, so I know what I'm doing
Dear friends, dear betrayers
Dear relatives, dear des