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Chuck Norris is a bad actor, horrendous workout product spokesperson, has limped on in legend and Sprite commercials only, and now has fallen so low -- he is only fit for Coco jokes and neo-conservative e-mails (particularly when the neo-cons lose the ability to tell the difference between reality and the shlockfest movie that was "Invasion USA" , 1985).

We need a new internet hero, and I nominate...

Toshiro Mifune!

1. Mt. Fuji was formed when Toshiro Mifune once piled up the bodies of his enemies.
2. The attacks on Pearl Harbor were not Toshiro Mifune's idea. If they had been, the plans would have only consisted of Toshiro Mifune cutting the tops off the Hawaiian volcanoes.
3. Toshiro Mifune loves corrupt military regimes -- he eats one for breakfast every morning.
4. What you call 'orbit' is actually the force of Toshiro Mifune's charisma drawing objects closer at the same time as he intimidates them away.
5. You do not have a girlfriend, you have a woman Toshiro Mifune hasn't met yet.
6. Jail is where they put criminals to be safely out of sight of Toshiro Mifune.
7. All truly evil people in the world have already been cut in half by Toshiro Mifune -- it was such a clean slice that they just haven't noticed yet.
8. Toshiro Mifune does not sleep, he graciously gives the world time to recover.
9. Horse tranquilizers were actually first made to slow Toshiro Mifune down so Akira Kurosawa could catch him on film.
10. Toshiro Mifune's dojo is in the Bermuda Triangle -- mystery solved.
11. An attack on Toshiro Mifune is legally listed as 'assisted suicide'.
12. Toshiro Mifune needs no blender to prepare his smoothies.
13. If you see a video tape of Toshiro Mifune angry, you will die in seven days (note -- you are safe to watch movies that have Toshiro Mifune when he was only ACTING like he was angry).
14. The truth is that there is no sound barrier -- sonic booms are actually Toshiro Mifune grunting in approval at those things that slice fast enough through the air to meet Mifune's approval.
15. If you can get close enough to read the pet tag, you'll see that Godzilla belongs to Toshiro Mifune -- if found rampaging through Tokyo, please return to Mifune. Thank you.
16. The power rangers are actually just piloting Toshiro Mifune's childhood toys.
17. Toshiro Mifune will cut you so bad -- your tombstone will split in two, five days after they bury you.
18. All the world's confetti was made when a forest foolishly got in Toshiro Mifune's way.
19. The Big Bang theory is a half truth -- the universe was formed when Toshiro Mifune hatched.
20. Contrary to widely believed etymology, the word 'justice' originally came from the name of Toshiro Mifune's sword.
21. Toshiro Mifune really liked the taste of dinosaur meat; 'nuff said.
22. All carpenter nails come from when Toshiro Mifune takes a piss.
23. Toshiro Mifune makes his tea by first chopping the flavored water from the tea leaves, then boiling the water with an angry stare.
24. There are no real pine trees -- only oak trees that Toshiro Mifune practiced his billion-leaf-cut technique on.
25. All heavy metal music is the accumulation of musicians trying to emulate the sound of when Toshiro Mifune sharpening his blades -- with his teeth.
26. Technically, Toshiro Mifune does not cut anything -- reality simply gives way to the will of his sword.
27. There is no Global Warming. It is simply the heat simmering from Toshiro Mifune's rage at your polluting/non-recycling bullshit. Seriously, ride a bike or join a carpool before he kills us all.
28. Taco Bell gets all their shredded fixings from Toshiro Mifune's garden.
29. Stonehenge was formed when a meteorite almost fell on Toshiro Mifune's head.
30. All steel is the product of the world's iron ore being fed to Toshiro Mifune... I'll skip the details.
31. Lightning is just God's way of warning you where Toshiro Mifune is.
32. Toshiro Mifune has only three moods: drunk, disapprove, dismember.

...1680x1050 desktop offered in the full download so you can constantly be reminded what the real score is.
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