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Eminem vs. Axe Cop by ProfessorSodaMan

bIzARRO: Finally, back from our Christmas break to do another DEATH BATTLE. ...why do I always scream that?

Nitri: That is just one of life's most unexplained absurdities, like you. Speaking of absurd, this DEATH BATTLE will feature two characters with very absurd skills. One starts crimes, the other stops crime.

bIzARRO: One of them is Eminem, the self-proclaimed Rap God...

Nitri: ...and Axe Cop, a hero spawned out of a 5 year old's imagination. I'm Nitri, and he's bIzARRO, and it's our job to test their weapons, armor and skills to see who would win a DEATH BATTLE. My voice is really getting sore from screaming that.

Dealing with backstabbers, there was one thing I learned. They're only powerful when you got your back turned.

Eminem hoodie by ProfessorSodaMan


Real Name: Mashall Mathers

Aliases: Eminem, Slim Slady, The Rap God

Age: Immortal, 43 in appearance (and possibly in mind)

Height: 5'8"


Killing Barracuda, a ruthless mercenary from the Marvel universe

Preventing nightmares because of his presence

Exorcising demons

Is Hannibal Lecter

Nitri: Eminem may appear to be your average tough-looking white guy, but his toughness goes way farther than appearance. 

bIzaRRO: To get a better understanding of that tougness, let's show you his SKILLS!


 - Can lift someone ten feet into the air
 - Can carry the world on his shoulders
 - Can raise the roof
 - Can lift up a pub, meaning he can probably lift a couple tons
 - Boxes can't stop him
 - Is able to break a table over a fa- um, anyone he doesn't like's back 
 - Can climb any mountain; this means he would be able to climb Mt. Everest and get to the other side with no trouble 
  - Climbing any mountain also means that he won't be perturbed by forces that would force anyone else to stop climbing the dang mountain
 - Bulletproof
 - Since he is made out of rubber, it makes sense that he is resistance to lightning
 - Can drink gasoline with no negative affects on himself, and then immediately eat a lit match
 - He can burst into a ball of flames, so it would be a given that he wouldn't be harmed by said fire
 - Can jump over tall... women in a single bound, meaning he could jump up to about 8'2" in a single bound
 - Can turn into a rocketship
 - Time Travel 
 - Can't truly die
 - Elemental Powers
   - Can set the world on fire
   - Is able to burst into a ball of flames
   - Can manipulate snow
 - Can reach through the TV to you or anyone else
 - Bad critics fuel him 
 - Is Odin
  - It makes sense that he is then omniponent
  - And immortal
 - Interrigation skills on par with Batman

bIzARRO: Clearly, this is not Matty B. Raps we are dealing with.

Nitri: Who? 

bIzARRO: Nobody. 

Nitri: Right... anyway, Eminem's greatest powers are his omnipotence. What this entails is not specified in his songs, but we can take Odin's powers and apply them to him, since he is Odin. This means he has strength, stamina and durability far greater than a normal Asgardian, resistance to all Earthly diseases and toxins, incredible resistance to magic, and courtesy of the Golden Apples of Idunn, a greatly extended lifespan.

bIzARRO: It also gives him the control of the Odin Force for a number of purposes, including energy projection; creation of illusions and forcefields, levitation, molecular manipulation, communicating telepathically with other Asgardians even if they be on Earth and he in Asgard, hypnotizing humans, channelling lightning to Earth from Asgard, controlling the lifeforces of all Asgardians, and teleportation. 

Nitri: You don't usually talk as intelligent as that. This must be copied directly from Wikipedia. Eminem, with his Odin powers, would have the potential to teleport the entire human race to an alternate dimension, stop time, pull the remains of distant planets down from outer space to crush his foes, and other things. 

bIzARRO: He could also wield the Gungnir, which can match up against Thor's hammer- and that's without Odin Force. Eminem can also use his trusty Glock, which is just a shotgun, a chainsaw he stole from an ice-fisherman (seriously), or his own fists- which pack the force of an asteroid crashing through the atmosphere from space. 

Nitri: Now, let's talk about just some of his weaknesses.


 - Weak knees 
 - Sweaty arms; this could be caused be dehydration, meaning he is constantly thirsty
 - Mom's spaghetti makes him very sick
bIzARRO: Yes, the guy who can lift an entire pub's weakness his his sh!tty knees.

Nitri: Why would he have weak knees? Maybe it is from jumping 8 feet over those tall women. 

bIzARRO: Despite his weak knees and constant need to rehydrate, Eminem has 'shown' to be a force that is hard to stop. Will the greatest axe-wielding hero put an end to his crimes?

 Some people have families to go home to. Not me. 

Some people have other things to do. Not me. 

I don't work the day shift or the night shift, I work the always shift.

Because I'm a hero and everyone else isn't.

18ls9d0u6rwywjpg by ProfessorSodaMan


Alias: Axey Smartist 

Height: Speculated to be 6'2"

Weight: 194 lbs


Saved god and Jesus from Bad Santa

Became president of the world and karate

Some how destroyed an entire planet with a single stick of dynamite 

Was born with his mustache

Made every alien a bad guy just so he could kill all the aliens in the whole universe

Is possibly a biblical figure  

One-shot a creature with all the power of the universe

Stomped Chuck Norris

bIzARRO: Once a normal cop, he stumbled upon a Firefighter's Axe that he thought would be great to chop off bad guys' heads with- and so he became Axe Cop. What more backstory do you need?

Nitri: For a five year old's creation, this is the backstory you'd expect. Now, let's move on to his amazing skills..

bIzARRO: Yes, let's. 


 - Strength
  - Can Casually break unbreakable chains
  - Can hold up the sun in one hand and threw it back into orbit
   - Threw it into orbit around earth where it orbited earth a infinite amount of times
  - Effortless lifted a continent with two fingers
  - Can do a infinite amount of reps of everything in just one morning
  - Eating good guys can make him more powerful
 - Stamina and Speed
- A 2 minute Nap is a long nap for him
  - Only gets tired when he wants to
  - Can run fast enough to be invisible to the naked eye
  - Can speed blitz thousands of bad guys before they can even react 
  - Only takes minutes to jump between planets
  - When at a pizza party with the Writer, Illustrator, and Johnny Cash Axe Cop was given the ability to fly
  - Once flew fast enough to enter a completely separate reality
 - Durability
- Has 5001 lives
  - Is completely immune to fire
  - As a baby tanked a city busting meteor without a scratch
  - Completely unfazed by having a country dropped on him
  - Has resistance against magic and reality warping as shown when he was unaffected by Fruit Stand while Flute cop was
  - Touched a magic rhino horn that turns things to gold and was unaffected
  - Was unaffected by the magic of the Queen of England's magic scepter that causes people to poop to death
  - Axe Cop's body is 100% efficient
  - So he doesn't need to poop ever
  - When he summoned a thousand tornadoes with his ax gun (More on that later) he remained unmoved while everything within sight was destroyed
- Mentality
 - Is an expert at finding out an enemies weak point
 - Is always focused on the job at hand
 - Has outsmarted everyone in his universe 
 - Is never fazed by anything that happens and in fact seems to expect everything that happens around him
 - Is always right

bIzARRO: As you can see, Axe Cop is incredible. He has 5001 lives, but with the durability levels of 'Country dropping on him and not dying', does he need that many? 

Nitri: He's also resistant against magic and reality warping; touching something that was charmed to turn anything that touches it into gold didn't change him at all. 

bIzARRO: He has literally outsmarted everyone in the universe; his, anyway. Nothing surprises him, and he is always right. ALWAYS. 

Nitri: Now, let's look at what he can bring to the battle.

Tools and Abilities

 - Perfect Axe 
- Is completely indestructable
  - Can cut through almost anything
  - Can swing at incredible speeds clearing whole rooms in seconds 
  - Blunt end can be used to smash things or defect magic projectiles
  - He has a button on his badge that creates a thousand additional Axe blades one atop another
  - Fire can be shot out of the top
  - Can also shoot diamonds from his Axe
  - Can become a skate board
  - Can become a heavy parachute that is over 10,000 pounds
  - Can use fire to become Axe Cop fire
 - An axe that can turn into any gun 
  - This includes a Tornado Gun, which can fire F5 tornadoes rapidly
 - Super Golden Axe
  - Made by combing the Perfect Axe with a copy of itself
  - Is even more powerful than the Perfect Axe
  - Can cut through anything
 - Is an expert of Kung-Fu, adept in Judo and Jiu Jutsu, as well as two other martial arts invented by him; belt fighting and one so secret that only he knows the name of it 
 - If he is killed, he can still continue fighting as a ghost and force himself back in his body
  - His ghost can also fight for him when he is tied 
 - After coming in contact with fire, he will become Axe Cop Fire, which gives him the ability to breathe and manipulate it 
 -  sentient Tiger Belt that can be taken off to fight with as a weapon 
 -  helmet that lets him control the weather
 -  blade gun
 -  pair of goggles that makes enemies see their friends as Axe Cop
 - green banana gun that kills evil ninjas
 - Green star on hat lets him fire off many beams (freezing, heat, brain-melting, etc.)
- Has a sniping shot gun that can become a flame sword
- Eating Mayonnaise gives him poison spit 
- Instead of having hair on his arms he has tiny swords
- The forbidden move
 - Creates a massive hurricane that lifts countries and slams them into foes
- His bites can turn bad guys into good guys
- Is also capable of hypnotizing his foes
-- So far none have been shown to resit this 
- Can say things will happen and they do
-- Has changed the script of the show and comics numerous times before
- Unlimited lemon grenades
- Super secret soda attack

-- Gives bad guys poisoned soda and they drink it
- Has a robot in mustache that gives him weapons
-- So far only a gun that shoots sticky dynamite and a golden axe have been confirmed to be in there
-- Axe Cop himself says he doesn't even know everything that's in there
- Has a baby with a unicorn horn that grants him wishes
-- Unicorn horns are powerful enough to pierce and heavily damage Satan himself
- Also has magic fruit that he can eat for one wish per fruit
-- Has wished to be like god before so technically he has God powers too
- Even without Unicorn baby or magic fruit has some limited Reality warping abilities
- Can be as big as he wants among other things
-- He used this ability to turn Dinosaur Soldier into Ghost Cop just because

- Can form black holes
- Once created a planet from practically nothing
- Can turn people old just by yelling OLD
- Has a book he inherited from Book Cop that allow's him to do the fallowing.
-- Throw a book so hard it cuts clean through someone's head
-- Summons a giant fireball from space that engulfs the whole earth and kills every bad guy
-- Createsa poison tidal wave that kills people 1,000 times  
-- Teleportation and willing other things to teleport to you
- Magic Pencil that gives the power to write and create anything he wants
-- Recreated the entire earth in a few seconds
- Can make up or wish up powers on the fly

Nitri: Now, Axe Cop does have some allies that can help him in battle. However, to make things fair, we are making him go solo for this battle. 

bIzARRO: Would he really need any backup when he can form black holes?! 

Nitri: Well, it all depends on if Eminem can detect these weaknesses.


 Cherry candy canes can kill him and bypass his 5000 extra lives
- Is sometimes too overconfident
- Some of his more powerful attacks are directed at bad guys

bIzARRO: Like Eminem, he has a very ridiculous weakness: CHERRY CANDY CANES.

Nitri: It has been said that he has reached a point that he can overcome this. However, we want to make things a little fair and make him stick with that weakness for the battle.

bIzARRO: He also tends to be too overconfident- but if you were him, you'd be too. But will his overconfidence fail him in the battle against The Real Slim Shady? Find out next time on DEATH BATTLE!

A very unexpected battle to everyone except me and the guy I first told the DEATH BATTLE idea to: :iconmanalmostwithoutfear: He made a bio for Eminem that I used for this prelude, and he thought my Eminem vs. Axe Cop idea would be 'really fun to see'. Get ready to see it, my friend. Also, credit to :iconbreloom-da-bassgod: For making the Axe Cop bio and giving me permission to use it. Get ready to see a battle of reality-bending and lyric-spitting proportions.
Add a Comment:
eefmonsu Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2017
I hope Axe Cop won!
ProfessorSodaMan Featured By Owner Apr 24, 2017  Student Writer
I won't spoil it for you but I hope you'll enjoy what happens!
MaxFunnies2550 Featured By Owner Apr 10, 2016  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
"Freeze or I'll chop your head off!"
Majin123 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Student Artist
Made this for ya if you want to use it
ProfessorSodaMan Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Student Writer
Thank you, I will use it.
Majin123 Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Student Artist
Anytime :D (Big Grin) 
Breloom-Da-Bassgod Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Hobbyist
Leaning on Axe Cop since Eminen is a bad guy.
ProfessorSodaMan Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Student Writer
Yeah, being Hannibal Lecter would put Eminem on the bad guy list. I chose to give him all the powers of Odin, since he is Odin, and I didn't want to make him literally omnipotent. 
ManAlmostWithoutFear Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
ProfessorSodaMan Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Student Writer
Thank you. 
ManAlmostWithoutFear Featured By Owner Jan 3, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
You're welcome.
Add a Comment:

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Submitted on
January 2, 2016


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