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In time with the moonswept waves
flows a midnight rave's pulsing beat
lemon-lime toenails scatter the sand,
which glides lightly through the gale
and sticks to splashing tanned feet

Flames chained to blackened log holsters
leap free into the sea,
enticing moths to crystallize,
close their eyes, changing into fireflies,
materializing throughout the night,
in light showers and darkening sparks

The breeze dances unsteady in the balmy air,
blowing through flowing hair and towering palm trees
the stars blink to the tune
following the lead of the moon's sinking silver beads,
reaching down to bathe the beach

The sun sneaks, stealthy in the morning sky
peaking over the horizon to find
a silver bracelet, half buried in the sand
and drawn with the tide
away from land and the dying embers
of last night's flames, cast out
by the entourage, moving on to daytime games.
Finally, I edited this piece without rewriting it. Many thanks to ` darkcrescendo, *substanceabuse, and ~ echo-si. Constructive comments welcomed/appreciated. I rewrote the last two lines of stanza one, and the whole of the last stanza. I wrote a longer comment here, but da destroyed it.
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:icondarkcrescendo:
darkcrescendo Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
I found some confusion in the following lines:

lemon-lime toenails scatter the sand,
gliding in snow whispers through the gale
and sticking to splashing tanned feet


I would be correct in assuming that
'gliding in snow whispers through the gale' and
'sticking to splashing tanned feet' are both describing the toenails?

The line I am having difficulty with is
'gliding in snow whispers through the gale'

Firstly - the 'snow whispers' image does not seem to suit the the rest of the poem - especially with the prevalence of fire and beach imagery.

Secondly - there is an ambiguity around 'snow whispers' based in the fact that 'whispers' following a noun is often used as a verb.

Perhaps that is something to be aware of.

The sun sneaks a peak over the horizon
only to see dwindling embers
left to remember when
the entourage put out the flames, moving on to daytime games


The enjambment here could possibly be improved upon.

'left to remember when' is such a bland line in comparison to the rest of the poem.
Also, ending the line with 'when' has a slightly weakening effect.
Always try to keep in mind that there is inevitably a slight pause (shorter than a comma), both in flow and conceptually, at the end of every line in a poem.


Apart from those considerations - I love this piece.

The interplay of assonance and internal rhyme is quite pleasing to the ear. The imagery and personifications work wonderfully.

All in all - well written!

Benedictions!
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:iconprincessnavi:
PrincessNAVI Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2004
First of all, thank you for taking the time to really look at this work. I keep completely rewriting it, and I'm never happy with it.
"I would be correct in assuming that
'gliding in snow whispers through the gale' and
'sticking to splashing tanned feet' are both describing the toenails?" - Haha, no. I really need to rework those lines, and get them to apply to sand :D.
"Snow whispers"- I think I was just forcing a rhyme there. I'll replace it.
The last stanza was too rushed, I'll rework it.
"Apart from those considerations - I love this piece.
The interplay of assonance and internal rhyme is quite pleasing to the ear. The imagery and personifications work wonderfully." - You have no idea how much that means to me, coming from you. :hug:
I don't think I'll completely rewrite this again (I've said that before) but a thorough editing will do it alot of good. Thanks again.
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:icondarkcrescendo:
darkcrescendo Featured By Owner Aug 22, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
>>"I would be correct in assuming that
>>'gliding in snow whispers through the gale' and
>>'sticking to splashing tanned feet' are both describing the toenails?"

>Haha, no. I really need to rework those lines, and get them to apply to sand

In time with the moonswept waves
flows a midnight rave's pulsing beat
lemon-lime toenails scatter the sand,
gliding in snow whispers through the gale
and sticking to splashing tanned feet


In that case - I would try using present participle verbs - ' (which) glides in..., and sticks to splashing tanned feet'

I don't think I'll completely rewrite this again

Good. It doesn't need a rewrite - just a little bit of modification.
I wouldn't try doing to much to alter it.

As I said - apart from those areas mentioned - this poem is good.
All it needs is some adjustment for the sake of clarity of image.

Let me know when you do edit this.

Benedictions!
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:iconprincessnavi:
PrincessNAVI Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2004
Yay, edited. I resisted the re-write urge, except for the last stanza. I wanted to include some of the imagery from older drafts, and I experimented with sound a bit more.
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:icondarkcrescendo:
darkcrescendo Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
The rewrite looks good :)

In future poems, try experimenting more with verbs that don't use the present participle form (i.e -ing verbs, which tend to be passive)
Active verbs usually carry much more strength and emphasis than passive verbs - just like in prose.

To elaborate:
Note the difference in impact between
1)'He glides through the air'
and
2)'He is gliding through the air'.

1) is in the active voice, whilst 2) is in the passive voice.

Benedictions!
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:iconprincessnavi:
PrincessNAVI Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2004
Will do. I was going to say that I read an article on that, but turns out [link] doesn't touch upon that aspect of active and passive voice. Thanks for being so helpful.
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:icondarkcrescendo:
darkcrescendo Featured By Owner Aug 23, 2004  Hobbyist Writer
*Nods* It is an informative article, but doesn't quite cover the practical applications of the information.
That aspect one needs to determine through playing around with words and phrases to gauge their effect.

You are most welcome!

Benedictions!
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:iconprincessnavi:
PrincessNAVI Featured By Owner Aug 24, 2004
I did find that article useful, but their "Show don't tell" article affected me alot more. I don't think I ever would have figured out the effect of present participles on my own.
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:iconghosthelwig:
GhostHelwig Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2004
I think that was really beautiful - didn't seem anything but flowing & lovely to me. I especially loved this line:
flows a midnight rave's pulsing beat
Gorgeous. All in all, a wonderful, very vivid poem. ^_^ And if it doesn't feel finished to you, then my guess is it's probably not...
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:iconprincessnavi:
PrincessNAVI Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2004
It feels better now. I think I just didn't want to stop writing :D.
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:icondreadz:
dreadz Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2004
Due to having some 2000 and some deviations to comment on
I will be trying to get thru my whole da watch
so forgive me for this short comment
I like the flow
I see nothign wrong with this
It doesn't sound forced to me
honestly it doesn't
:smooch: :hug:
It's fine the way it is
I like the feel of it
You have such a way with words
You paint the most dazzling pictures in our minds for our eyes to perceive
thank you for that
:peace:
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:iconprincessnavi:
PrincessNAVI Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2004
Ah, thank you very much for taking the time to stop here. I'm glad that you like it.
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:iconemuiouselixor:
EmuiousElixor Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2004
better than the previous version......and I loved the previous version. :nod:
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:iconprincessnavi:
PrincessNAVI Featured By Owner Aug 14, 2004
Thank you very much, I'm glad that it's an improvement.
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