So, just now, I sifted through some of my journals for the sake of a trip down memory lane, and I found the one where I gave up.
I know I wanted to leave it in the past forever, but that was just me still being freshly wounded.
Anyway, I don't remember the exact details of what happened on that day and the days after that (though the follow-up journal
explains my emotional state sufficiently well), but a recap is not the point of this journal. Rather, it's the realization that struck me.
To elaborate, I'd hate to see a team member of Gaijin Alex just go like this, it's really a shame.
I don't want to lose you over someone so petty, you've made great content that have always like coming back to see again from time and time again. I don't want you to be done here, it would make me so sad.
I cannot stand to see you go, after all the great things you have done.
So all the great things you've done up until now were meaningless?
So, all the work you've done. Pointless? All the friends and people you met. Pointless? All of the things you've done and worked hard to do. Pointless?Everything you've done.. There was so much meaning to it..
What about all the music you've composed? What about all the art you've drawn? What about all the friends you've made? You've done a lot to be proud of. It doesn't have to end like this.
As expected, you guys were so
right about everything you said. During the time I had gone into hiding, I had repeatedly checked the journal to see what comments would roll in. I felt insignificant. I felt powerless. And it made me feel like all I did accounted to nothing. But you were all there in the blink of an eye to try and convince me otherwise. Those that I quoted, in addition to
Not to unnecessarily kiss my own ass, but I've spread into more than just one form of art, to varying degrees of competency, and while I have my slumps where I feel like nothing's going my way, I always end up coming back for more, holding out for that next milestone to be achieved. You all were the ones who gave me that push to always reach greater heights, whether or not it was your intention. Simply your support and your feedback is what keeps me going, and in retrospect, shutting down had shown me just how much I'd taken everything and everyone for granted. You never know what you have until it's taken away from you, and that goes both ways. Aaron and Diz were particularly distraught, Rumiflan
got a bit furious at me, and others surely became crestfallen one way or another. I'm deeply, truly sorry that this happened. But on the other end, I realized only now just how much I really need you all. First I nearly throw everything into the wind, then I leave the Station Wagon instead of making the effort of re-integrating myself. I mean, who the fuck cares whether or not my work is Walfas? The community is where it's really at, and I see that now... but I still can't quite bring myself to rejoin. The will and the drive are there, but I feel like I need to get some stuff taken care of before I make that step. After all, I'll have to be committed, lest it'd defeat the purpose of coming back.
So, thank you all. Thank you for always being there for me, especially when things are at their bleakest. I feel like last November was a valuable experience for me, so while I do regret that it happened, I simply know that I wouldn't have had this revelation without it.