Journal Entry: Wed Aug 23, 2017, 10:44 PM
If I still have a few high school friends who are following me and/or this doesn't apply to the very few I still have on Facebook, I apologize this is probably not what you'll want to hear xD
Looking back, High school was one of my worst years of life. I tried to ohard to fit in, made up stories so people would like me, fell into a heap of drama and basically, wasted my time hanging around awful people then actually doing anything meaningful.
When people ask you if you want to go back to high school, I say a big no and that I'd never want to repeat that hell.
High school is around the time you hit puberty too, so your body is going through a lot of weird hormone changes which doesn't help. You feel like relationships and friendships HAVE to be your main focus and you try and fight so hard to keep them all when in reality, letting them go would've been your best decision.
I fought with my dad so much I was lucky it didn't have a negative impact on our current closeness.
I cried on my mom's shoulder so much and I was stressed so much all because I fell into a bunch of toxic crap.
I was nearly raped: pressured into intercourse WAY too young and was broken down repeatedly by people who were supposed to be "friends".
But it made me who I am today.
I vowed never to be that person I was back then, that weird warpped human being who if I would've stayed as probably wouldn't have went to college, got pregnant young with several different guys and just live a very depressing life. (not saying being a single parent = depressing life, just would not have gotten anywhere I am today and not the life i wanted for myself. it's for some, but not for everyone ).
I changed entirely.
And I'm glad I didn't give into being "friends again" with most of my high school existence.
I look back, I see what they are like now, I see how they didn't change at all and thank myself that I left all that behind.
The years weren't all bad: I met some amazing people online during those years, school and teachers were fine, and I got insanely close to my mom, which I cherish that I got that time with her before she died.
I am not saying I'm better then the old high school crew. I'm saying my life is better because I left it all and never went back.
I am happily progressing now into the life I want, future I want and I wouldn't be here if not for the crucial decision of:
leave. Leave my hometown, travel somewhere else for school, far enough away that they forget me and slowly but surely they drift off and leave while I stop engaging and stop even remotely conversing. Slowly delete of facebook, slowly remove all of it from my life.
I made lasting friendships in college. More meaningful friendships that I feel will last my lifetime. I was able to be more "me" but it still wasn't good enough. Took a few years after college for me to really become who I am today.
I'm not perfect. But I'm way happier then I ever was back then and all because I chose to leave it entirely behind.
Giving up mostly all friendships and communications from then and completely just starting over.
So to all those people in high school or finishing high school who feel similar, it's almost over and my best advice...go far far away. leave it all. go. if it is as toxic as mine was, you'll become a better person for doing it. Focus on your education, focus on doing what you want for a living and becoming who you are. Friends will come to you, you'll make new ones that are healthy.
I still have former high school friends who look down on me for being an artist. Like their job at home depot is so inspiring. *rolls eyes*. That me doing what I love for a living they seem to look down upon.
And all I do is smile, remembering that this is the reason why I didn't remain their friends. This toxic behaviour they do even to their best friends still and thank my lucky stars I got out.
High School was not a great time for me. I still have some friends from back then, ones I'd consider non-toxic and that's why they remain in my life or connected still.
But to all the others long since out of my life, I don't miss you so continue to look down on me while I look up at the future I'm building without you in it.
mune got deep. real fast.