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As the ongoing Writers Guild of America strike continues to take its toll on the television industry by halting the production of numerous TV shows, network executives are frantically searching for ways to cut their losses and avoid having to resort to reruns of Joanie Loves Chachi to hold on to their viewers.

“That's not really a fate we'd wish on anyone,” wrote Robert Iger, president of ABC Studios, in a statement issued this week, “but we are prepared to air these episodes should our lawyers deem it necessary.”

While Iger has clearly lost his mind – Joanie Loves Chachie is a monstrosity that, for the good of all mankind, should never again be unleashed upon an unsuspecting public – the executives over at CBS seem to be keeping their cool, and have decided to take matters into their own hands. On Monday, Leslie Moonves, president of the CBS Corporation, unveiled plans for a line-up of new shows written entirely by network execs.

“I haven't really written since high school,” Moonves said in an interview with CBS News on Monday, “but, hey – how hard could it be? We know what sells, we've seen the numbers. Take our show Police Officer Investigative Procedural Drama Show, for example.”

Police Officer Investigative Procedural Drama Show is the network's attempt to fill the void created by the temporary loss of its flagship CSI franchise. The main character of the series is named John Smith, perhaps because statistics indicate that viewers can relate more to an everyman character, but more likely due to a serious lapse of creativity on the part of the executives. John Smith has a mysterious past – so mysterious, in fact, that the would-be writers know absolutely nothing about it, and will continue to know nothing about it until the need arises.

“We don't really think it's necessary to flesh that out,” said Moonves, regarding Smith's past. “We feel that excessive backstory only serves to complicate the intentionally subtle nuances of the plo– okay, fine, it was like two in the morning, we were tired, man. Give us a break.”

In the show, John Smith investigates murders alongside his partner and best friend, John Johnson. Inexplicably, John Johnson is apparently both a ninja and a pirate, as the executives have found that both professions are immensely popular on the internet.

“I think, under the circumstances, we did extremely well,” Moonves told the interviewers on Monday. “We finished the script for the first episode in about three hours – far faster than those so-called 'professional writers.' And I really think it rivals the stuff they come up with, in terms of quality. I mean, sure, they use big, fancy words, and they've got coherent plotlines and whatnot, but what we have that they don't is spirit. And money. Lots and lots of money.”

Immediately upon completing the script, the executives headed out to Moonves' mansion in Brentwood, California, to film the pilot episode in the spacious backyard. Moonves himself starred as the mysterious John Smith, while Sumner Redstone, chairman of the CBS Corporation, played the role of John Johnson. Filming was completed in an unprecedented 33 minutes – a singularly extraordinary accomplishment in light of the fact that Police Officer Investigative Procedural Drama Show is a 42-minute program.

After quickly editing the film on Moonves' home computer, the executives hurried back to the studio to present the pilot to themselves. The show was met with a positive reception by the executives, who were just as pleased with the project as they had been when they pitched the idea to themselves just hours before.

CBS executives are currently planning for their next new show, a sitcom entitled Moronic, Overweight Guy Inexplicably Marries Intelligent, Attractive Woman.

One can only hope the strike will end soon.
:iconkohaku-ookami: told me to put this up here, so here it is.

Wrote this for the school newspaper. In case it's not abundantly obvious, this is satire.
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