Published: February 6, 2008
There is something of a tradition in the United States. Every four years, a vote is held, in order to pass down the power of the presidency from one inept politician to another. As far as historians can tell, this tradition, known colloquially as an election, has been an integral part of the society for hundreds, if not thousands of years. In fact, archaeologists have recently discovered fossils of American politicians that are reported to be older than time itself approximately 2,032 years old. Scientists are completely baffled as to how this is possible.
The tradition continues to this day, and 2008 is the year the current president a real champion of ineptitude is to be dethroned. Knowing full well that there is no possible way to top President Bush in terms of incompetence, both Democrats and Republicans are really stretching to find candidates who stand out in some other respect. As a result, the upcoming presidential election can be considered an election of firsts, as many of the candidates, if elected President, would represent some major first in the history of the American presidency.
For the Democrats, Hillary Clinton would be the first female president, Barack Obama would be the first African-American president, and Dennis Kucinich would be the first leprechaun in office unless, of course, he is actually, as many suspect, a gremlin in disguise.
The Republicans are not quite as extreme in their firsts. Rudy Giuliani would be the first Italian-American president, Mitt Romney would be the first Mormon president, and Ron Paul would be the first president to acknowledge the existence of the Constitution.
However, the most shocking of all the candidates does not hail from either of the major political parties. Jacob P. Cosgrove, an up-and-coming politician from Arkansas, is the sole candidate from the newly-created Anachronistic Party of America, and has gained much support in recent weeks from liberals and college students who feel that this country is ready for its first Tyrannosaurus Rex in office.
In a speech on Monday, Cosgrove summed up his unique political agenda. My immediate goal, he told reporters, would be to devour every member of Congress. Eventually, I would move onto the Supreme Court and the Joint Chiefs of Staff, and ultimately I plan to have eaten every governor in the nation by early 2010. Then I'll focus on repairing the economy.
Several prominent pundits have repeatedly claimed that Cosgrove's election would spell the end of democracy in the United States. This would seem to explain Cosgrove's enigmatic campaign slogan, OM NOM NOM DEMOCRACY!
You see, explained Dennis Jerome, one such pretentious and unlikeable pundit, 'om nom nom' is the universal sound for eating. Essentially, what Cosgrove is saying here is that he wants to eat democracy. Can't you people see where that might potentially be a problem for us? Doesn't that concern you just a little bit?
Apparently, the answer is no. Despite the outcry from experts, professors, and generally anyone who knows what he or she is talking about, the T-Rex's support only continues to grow.
Nobody listens to those experts anyway, said Gary Thompson, a student at West Virginia University. Jacob P. Cosgrove would make an excellent president. I don't really know anything about his politics, but we need to prove that we're open-minded now, and have evolved past our irrational hatred of dinosaurs. Because, you see, dinosaurs are a large part of our society, and we just have to learn to accept that.
Gary Thompson, along with 67 other students, was devoured by Cosgrove last Friday when the T-Rex became hungry during a campaign stop at the university. Local police, when questioned about their refusal to press charges, had this to say:
Have you even seen the guy? Have you seen how big he is? Do you think we're nuts?