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Seduction

After the joyful,bleeding rush,
I rush to you to play my game.
And game i am caressing  your soft hands.
An even-handed play begins
So now i play my feral touches,
Like feral creatures that we are.
We are seducing gods and beasts alike.
With godless screams that bring us to another realm...
Another joyful,bleeding rush
This poem is a connachlan, a medieval form of poetry ,this is also my first shot at erotic poetry...

Enjoy...
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:iconphoenix-88:
Phoenix-88 Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2006  Professional Interface Designer
Oho, incercare de aliteratie/repetitie! N-am mai vazut asa ceva de multa vreme...
Totusi, poezia scartaie in ritm si tema...
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:iconspazchicsplatz:
spazchicsplatz Featured By Owner Jul 16, 2005
nice job,, but I thought it was terrible.
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Jul 17, 2005
I can't help feeling special after this comment,I mean anyone can write shity poetry,but terrible stands on a ground of its own,it's the elite type of shitiness.
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:iconlunarota:
LunaRota Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2005
i really like this style. at first i thought i didn't but then as i was analyzing the poem i was like woah man that's pretty darn cool. and yes poetry but not in a dirty way, in a deep more concealed way. i really like how you repeat certain words twice, and i like the word feral. i have no idea what i means but i am going to look it up cuase it sounds cool. i really like this part here:"We are seducing gods and beasts alike./With godless screams.." thoroughly enjoyed this piece.
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:iconinsane-clownz:
INSANE-CLOWNZ Featured By Owner Jan 15, 2005
I love you're format, The way you position the lines, helps your quality of writing.
Good job.
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:iconnerd4life:
Nerd4Life Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2005
You have succeeded in caputring seduction! :clap: The only issue I have is with the last line, I know it's supposed to go with the first line and all, but it just doesn't flow right, perhaps you should look into it?
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2005
You're right ,it bothered me when i wrote it,but you see usually the subtlest of the changes require most of the work.

Glad you liked it.

Best regards,George
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:iconnerd4life:
Nerd4Life Featured By Owner Jan 10, 2005
Yeah I know what you mean! I'll want to change one thing and then the thought flow will change and I'll have to change so much else... :roll:
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:iconhallucinatedlight:
Hallucinatedlight Featured By Owner Dec 19, 2004   Writer
Hm... a connachlan... never seen one of these before. Yay for new forms! :) The use of a word from the last in each new line seems to work well in this. Sorry that I'm not addressing subject matter, I don't know much about erotic poetry.
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:iconbcain:
bcain Featured By Owner Dec 17, 2004
It was good, but the second to last line really threw me. I thought I had a nice rhythm in my head and it died reading that line. Maybe it is just me, anyway, nice work, really enjoyed it as a whole.
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:icononewordatatime:
onewordatatime Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2004
Firstly, I must start by touching upon a technical aspect of your connachlan. According to proper construction methods, a connachlan repeats the last word of the previous line, or a group of words from the, in the current. For the most part you have remembered to do this, but you have failed to include the proper transition in several instances. Specifically, the areas are from lines three to four, four to five, and seven to eight.

On to the content of the poem.

After the joyful,bleeding rush,
I rush to you to play my game.


You create an odd situation with these lines. Using the word after, you separate the first act from the game which is played henceforth. That makes it seem as though it is an action not necessarily related to the seduction which is described throughout the rest of the poem. Furthermore, you might wish to be careful in the description using blood. While it could somehow be construed as an act of seduction, it is a rather violent form of imagery.

The phrase ‘play my game’ does embody seduction: a not necessarily voluntary act, a subtle coercion of sorts. So in this you do convey the point fairly well. Unfortunately, you are using a rather clichéd phrase. Always be careful and conscious of this common error. Rephrasing it as something a bit less overused would serve you extremely well.

And game i am caressing your soft hands.

This sentence seems quite off. Firstly, it is a fragment. Second, it doesn’t make much sense. ‘And game I am carressing’ does not inherently mean anything. While the proper form requires you repeat a word, do not do so without paying attention to what you are writing. Though it is a poor example, ‘And in this game, I am caressing your soft hands’ makes quite a deal more sense.

An even-handed play begins

Interesting choice in words, but in seduction, things are not even-handed. Someone has power over someone else. Plus, the point is to repeat words from line to line. Avoid using a word from two lines prior.

So now i play my feral touches,

The use of the word play strains your flow, as it is repeated often now, and doesn’t fit in well with feral touches. You do not need play to be your carrying word, so switch it to ‘begin’ or some other word in the core, and restructure so that it speaks more pleasantly. Also, include descriptors that truly feel like seduction. Use passionate words, or at least words which give the feeling of the seduction at hand, that help envelope the reader in the experience.

Like feral creatures that we are.

This line does fine, it just seems that you might be missing a word, or that it doesn’t roll off the tongue quite correctly. Overall though, it performs its job well, as per the given topic. Good job here.

We are seducing gods and beasts alike

Interesting. I am not sure what to make of this. Where did god’s come in and how do they fit into seduction? In many contemporary religions, seduction is something that is frowned upon, and one does not typically find instances of relations with deities. Still, it is a valid sentence and doesn’t need to be revised unless you deem it necessary.

With godless screams that bring us to another realm...

Godless is not the word used in the previous line. Keep that in mind. Other than that, this sentence is fine.

Another joyful,bleeding rush

Here again you touch upon blood. Unless you are consciously trying to include violence in your piece, exclude such imagery. Seduction does not necessarily go well with blood, and what you have written can, in theory, bring up images of murder and rape in the reader. Make it seem as though the characters feel good, not destroyed.

Overall, you have a decent start. The style of poem you have chosen is interesting in that it is not too common. You really need to remember to stick to that style though, as most people will not be familiar with it. Make it very obvious that the repetitive nature of the poem is intended, and not just that you ran out of words and had to reuse some on several lines. And keep working on this; for a first attempt at erotic poetry, you are doing a fine job.

:donut:
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:iconcatgirl-luna:
Catgirl-Luna Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2004
Very nice! I love the last four lines. ^^
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2004
Thank you very much for your comment and your +fav
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:iconcatgirl-luna:
Catgirl-Luna Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2004
Your very welcome. :hug:
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:iconmisschristina:
missChristina Featured By Owner Nov 12, 2004
We are seducing gods and beasts alike.
is it truly dualism? just because geothe was a genius doesn't meen he made truth transcend from his art (sau "sa scoata sunetul aurului din arama")...so i don't agree with him and all the dualists punct.
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 13, 2004
This is a matter of symbolism,cerebral versus instinctual and it's an aesthetic dualism anyway,i don't pretend to write philosophy and honestly i don't care about the "truth"


....


Bine ai revenit printre cei vii,mai intra si tu pe un messenger poate mai vorbim
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:iconlostxpulse:
lostxpulse Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2004
Oh I Like This Poem!It ROCKS!
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 11, 2004
Thank you
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:iconlostxpulse:
lostxpulse Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2004
Welcome
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