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I'm watching as you try to reach
My truth,your truth and all of our lies.
I cannot understand the beauty of this leech
That keeps you slave.You cannot rise...

The rigid crisp morality you follow
I bend with easiness and pride.
This warm and useless faith...so hollow
I break... and then you tell me that you've cried.

You bathe yourself in masochistic sorrow
And drying up yourself in some sadistic dreams.
I beg of thee be free tomorrow
And feel again the flow of life within your limbs.
...
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:iconsittingdistance:
SittingDistance Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2005   Writer
Greetings! I'll be your reader from :devWe-Critique: today.

"I'm watching as you try to reach
My truth,your truth and all of our lies."

It's a bit fuzzy from the start why the person whom the speaker is addressing would be reaching both for truth and lies. The word 'and' in line two could be replaced with 'from' to make the idea clearer.

"I cannot understand the beauty of this leech
That keeps you slave.You cannot rise..."

You are (mistakenly?) saying that the 'leech' is beautiful. I applaud you for using rhyme in lines 2 & 4, but it sounds forced and needs ironing.

"The rigid crisp morality you follow"

Excellent line.

"I bend with easiness and pride."

This one muddies things, though. How can one bend another person's morality, especially if it is so rigid? I think the intended meaning is "You're uptight about 'wrong' things that I casually and happily do." Needs elucidating.

"This warm and useless faith...so hollow"

I see a contradiction in that line : if it's able to warm a person, it's not useless. There's a blizzard hurling its tiny projectiles at my window as I'm penning this.

Also, the word 'this' is ambiguous here. Whose faith are you talking about, the speaker's or the intended listener's?

"I break... and then you tell me that you've cried."

Vague. I think that "I break" simply means "I weep", but I have no clear picture of it. It could also mean "I snap", "I run away", et cetera. The rest of the line multiplies my confusion as a reader : why did this person cry? Why is the speaker of the poem crying, if indeed (s)he is doing so? I have no idea what's going on. There's no tangible connection between this and the lines preceding.

"You bathe yourself in masochistic sorrow
And drying up yourself in some sadistic dreams."

You either need to change 'You bathe' to 'You're bathing' or 'drying up' to 'dry up'.

How can the addressed listener be both morally inclined and sadistic? It's not lucidly expressed.

"I beg of thee be free tomorrow"

From sadism? What does that have to do with morality? You may want to separate the two for clarity's sake.

'Thee' sounds out of place in an otherwise modern-sounding poem.

"And feel again the flow of life within your limbs."

Unconvincing and murky. If not for the title, I'd have no clue what I just read. Although the poem seems to have the goal of deconverting adherents of Christianity, the entire work lacks any solid support as to why said Christians should throw away their faith. The effect overall is like reading "It's bad, it's bad, it's bad, it's bad. Stop it, stop it, stop it." That's not a good case for anyone taking up your cause. You also fail to make clear why life would be better if your own beliefs were followed instead.

Feel free to contact me with any follow-ups, questions, whatever else you may need. Thanks for utilizing :devWe-Critique:!

Adieu.
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2005
Thank you for the critique,this poem was not meant to "convert" any believers...

The discourse is not meant to be moral or philosophical,just merely aesthethic,thus the ambiguity.

As for the last stanza,what i meant to attack was hipocrisy which is usually associated with religious fundamentalism,not religion itself.

Oh and one more thing !
I've noticed that you're an admin for ~ poetic-forms .What happened overthere? There's a horrifing inactivity.I really enjoy being part of this community and it would be a shame for it to die off.

Best regards,George
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:iconsittingdistance:
SittingDistance Featured By Owner Feb 2, 2005   Writer
About poetic forms? I know. It's inert and has been for a while... but there's a new journal entry. I think it needs more energetic folks, frankly, or to be converted to a resource. Either way, in my mind it needs to be updated a lot more frequently—perhaps with a form every week.

I sent a note to Pam about it a long time ago, but never got a response. Everyone's very busy and perhaps some of us are stretched too thin. In that case, it might be a good idea to coordinate better and designate people to constantly visit and check up on our members or something. I don't know what exactly to do about all of this, but I'd really hate to see the site collecting dust. I realize it's not the most exciting subject in the world, poetic form, but I think it's a highly worthy one.

Now let me off this soapbox so I can talk about what I'm really here for : your poetry.

If you want to attack hypocrisy, you'll have to be much more clear. It's a very puzzling piece, and I think it needs anchoring more than anything. To me it is a poem of persuasion—treat it like a speech with line breaks, imagery, and analogy all the way through. I think that your audience is missing your intent, and that's a shame because your message is good.

Any more questions regarding this poem, another poem, or poetic-forms, contact me straightaway.

Sorry for the delayed response ; I've been preoccupied with all sorts of projects and lost a bit of interest in my personal account :)

Adieu for now, George!
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:icononewordatatime:
onewordatatime Featured By Owner Dec 11, 2004
The thing that stuck out about this poem for me was the overuse of ellipses. First, you need to eliminate them and use a better form of punctuation. If you want something to linger, try an emdash. Some places, you could just stop the thought completely. Aside from that complaint (trust me, it gets annoyingly overused in a lot of poetry) there are a few things that I feel the need to point out and let you deal with on your own.

Your flow seems a bit off in a few places. This is because you are using too many words to say really simple things. For instance, "My truth, your truth, and all of our lies." Could simply be "my truth, your truth, and all our lies". The "of" is not necessary. Also, "I cannot understand the beauty of this leech" could be changed to use a noun instead of "of" to show posession. Example: "I cannot understand this leech's beauty." This is the biggest mistake in the poem's entirety: overuse of prepositional phrases.

However, you do have some good basis for imagery here. "The rigid crisp morality" could be expanded, and I've read some of your other work and believe you can do this. Think of something rigid and crisp that has nothing to do with morality. A potato chip. A stale potato chip. Stale potato chip morality. This shows that it is crisp, hard, yet easy to break and not solid at all. This would eliminate your next line and possibly ruin your rhyme scheme, but a good image will be remembered long after your reader forgets what it was there for.

"Masochistic sorrow" and "sadistic dreams" are both way too much for this poem. I honestly have to say they are cliche phrases, as well. You can be much more original than that, I've seen it looking through your gallery! "I beg of thee" seems out of place, the archaic way of saying "you" does not fit in this modern-spiritual work.

One thing that you definitely need to clear up, is who your speaker is speaking to. Is this a dramatic monologue where I am supposed to be a silent listener or are you speaking to your audience? Give me a reason, give me details. I think that within this thought-stream you have a lot of potential. There is much room for improvement and I really want to see that happen.

So, I have a favor to ask of you. Give this a rehaul, and then submit it again. Tell them that :pretzel: wanted you to. I want to see this poem grow to its full potential, and I know you can do it. :strong:

:pretzel:
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Dec 12, 2004
Hmm...

Dechristianise reloaded is on the way...Thank you very much for the critical eye,i really needed something like this.
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:iconicarus-has-fallen:
Icarus-Has-Fallen Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2004
I barely even noticed the rhyme, and it enhanced the poem greatly, it has an excellent flow and an interesting antichristian theme, I'm assuming this is your personal veiw, care to elaborate? (I'm not looking to bitch, i'm an athiest myself, just interested).

The one think that kind of bugged me is that you didn't put a space after the comma before "your" and the same with the period before "You".
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2004
Oh well,this poem was wrote afte some very heated debate with a friend of mine which happens to be a convinced christian,as for the "bugging" part the poem will remain unchanged,i wouldn't want to spoil that filesize :D
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:iconsagacious:
Sagacious Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2004   General Artist
very nice flow to it, rythmic almost :nod: .....don't really see the relation to the title tho....?
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2004
keep reading with more attention and you'll see the connection...eventually
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:iconsagacious:
Sagacious Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2004   General Artist
"That keeps you slave"<---is that talking about christianity?
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2004
All the symbols and the metaphores used are direct references,it seems pretty obvious to me,ithey're not very subtle,i didn't even try to make them that way

Best regards,George
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:iconsagacious:
Sagacious Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2004   General Artist
:XD: okay

Sincerely feeling ignorant, Sagacious
(what a paradox)
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:iconmisschristina:
missChristina Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2004
hmm
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2004
cata profunzime,ce atmosfera criptica...i'm confused
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:iconlostwithinmyself:
LostWithInMyself Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2004
Wow very good keep it up
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2004
Thank you
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:iconlostwithinmyself:
LostWithInMyself Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2004
your welcome
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