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Assassin

in blood i stand and whispers fill my eyes...
the logic and the reason,they vanish in denial
alone... and glad i scream out lullabies

forgotten realms  of madness drive me wild
i watch the dreams that vanish from her face
alone... and pure i smile like a child

her heart,my grip,life sleeps within my hands  
the life through death,the sanctity as one
alone... with her,demonical embrace

again i stab,ferocity is now my crown
alone... and sad, i drop her and i run
this is a poem made due to a challenge from poetic-forms ,it's written in the terza-forma, Dante's poetical structure of choice,it came out darker then i initially wanted,perhaps i should stop listening six feet under
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:iconmisschristina:
missChristina Featured By Owner May 23, 2004
Well, "she" must be his victim, obviously...
grozava poezia,shi, din contra, eu cred ca nu e nevoie de punctoatie, ai incercat sa-i dai o oarecare simetrie cu acele puncte de suspensie, si restul e mai interesant asa cum este.din cauza lipsei de punctoatie in anumite locuri, subiectul devine confundabil, intelesul ermetic, shi, astfel, poezia mai challenging to follow it...
i've allways loved a good challenge...
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:iconsperpy:
Sperpy Featured By Owner Feb 26, 2004  Hobbyist
Firstly, it would be nice if you fixed your spelling mistakes and added some punctuation.

in blood i stand and whispers fill my eyes” – a comma between “stand” and “and” would make this line work a lot better, however personally I think the image of blood is clichéd and overused. I liked the idea of whispers filling eyes though.

I could go through and list where you need punctuation…. But that would take up a lot of room. So instead, I highly suggest putting some punctuation in, otherwise when reading it, it is read as one big blob, taking emphasis away from concepts that would otherwise be more striking.

“I scream out lullabies” – I like this one a lot too :D

the sudden introduction of “her” left me bewildered, wondering who she was. We are not told really who she is….. confusing……

found this through ~WeCritique
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Feb 27, 2004
thank you for your comment,i'll try to corect the misspellings and punctuation as soon as i return to bucharest,and i'll have more time,glad you liked it
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:iconsaint-nightmare:
Saint-Nightmare Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2004
First off, it's spelled: Assassin
Second: Grammar. You need to capitalize where you're supposed to, and put periods and commas where needed.
The line [whispers fill my eyes] Doesn't really work here, except to make the rhyme scheme work. I feel nothing for this line, and it doesn't create any 'picture'

The third stanza makes no sense, really. This is why grammer is important. Grammar would make all these stanza's salvageable.

Same with the last stanza.
Best of luck.

This critique brought to you by wecritique
:kiss:
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:iconwildoats:
wildoats Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2004
Grammar follows the rules it sets for itself in any given piece. Adapt.
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:iconsaint-nightmare:
Saint-Nightmare Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2004
And you believe this piece warrants a lack of grammar?
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:iconwildoats:
wildoats Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2004
It is not a lack of grammar. It is simply alternately presented. Better or worse is not for us to judge. If there was variation of style, if there was fluctuation between "proper" and " improper" grammar we could nitpick and tell the author to conform to one standard. Here, the author was fairly consistent, so that's not really valid critique.
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:iconsaint-nightmare:
Saint-Nightmare Featured By Owner Feb 19, 2004
Not using grammar is now considered style? Gee, guess most poets on DA now copy that 'style'
It's one thing not to use grammer when the peice warrants it. But most people's lack of grammar is just sheer laziness. I was trying to give a critique, and, feeling that the piece would benefit from puntuation and capitalization, I said as such. You are of course entitled to your own opinion, but please leave mine alone.

Best wishes.
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:icondaeira:
daeira Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2004
Should the last tetrain rhyme also? And the couplet? I can't seem to make it out..

Otherwise, I think this could use quite some work.. The imagery you have chosen isn't exactly original, and at times you've just listed words or excluded punctuation where it is needed..

The wording in the first tetrain (is that what they are called?) is cool, whispers filling eyes and shouting lullabies.. that sounds cool.

The next two tetrains were just too plain.. I liked how the assasin suddenly got a fit of consciousness though.

Work on creating a tad more original imagery, and this could be good!
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2004
oh well this was not inspired by other poets,this was inspired by the lyrics of Six Feet Under and this definitevely not my best work,try reading "The Eye" before making your final opinion about me
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:iconnastypeoplz:
nastypeoplz Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2004
"again i stab ferocity is now my crown",
kickass, ever considered writing lyrics?
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:iconpoetry-of-hate:
poetry-of-hate Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2004
thank you very much for your comment,i agree the poem looks sort of unpolished,but you must understand that what i tried here was to respect the classic structure of the terza-forma which above the more visible pattern of rhyming,also has a pretty rigid structure of rythm,the iambic rythm,many times while writing it i felt its limitations,that's the challenge i think posed by old poetic constructions and the reason why modern poetry can give such a sense of freedom
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:icontranqxility:
tranqxility Featured By Owner Feb 14, 2004
could have been better with a little work.. not really written that well.. but as a rough work i do like it and see potential there.... i particularly like how the poem kept 3 line stanzas until the end.. when there were only two lines, showing that the assassin ran away startled emotionally...
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