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I've heard so many people tell those who suffer depression to just 'cheer up.' I wonder if they can really believe that itís that simple.

Depression isn't just sadness. It is emptiness, it is misery. It is pain and nothingness at once. When you are truly depressed you lack the ability or will to cheer yourself up. No one just Ďhas depression.í You suffer from it. This is depression:

You will wake at 5, 6, maybe 7am, feeling as though you had only just fallen asleep. Itís likely you did. If you don't have to be somewhere, you could lie in bed for another 3 hours...too tired, too miserable and pathetic to crawl out of you bed. Or maybe you will sleep until 1pm, because itís so much easier to sleep through most of the day than actually live it, and youíre so unbelievably tired anyway. You will push through the day, knowing that every hour will be a struggle and not knowing how you will feel tomorrow. People will ask what is wrong, and you will simply smile and say 'nothing, I'm just tired.' Yes you are tired. You are so tired of drifting through every day, with no will to actually live. But you simply smile, and they'll believe you. Itís so much easier to lie anyway, and most of the time you can push away the guilt.  Sometimes you might find a way out, temporary as it may be. You might write or draw or sing. Or you might cut, burn, binge, purge, drink, starve, scratch, pull, overdose...anything to take your mind away from the utter misery it seems to be so obsessed with. What you don't know is that soon these acts will take over your thoughts. You will spend your days not only lost in the haze of depression, but your mind will be so consumed with these thoughts of escaping and self destruction that you think you could explode. You will see a series of lines, and think of the lovely scars you could make, where you will make them. Your mind will be permanently spinning with thoughts of this pain, and different ways you might destroy yourself or, more precisely, this monster inside you. But of course none of this will work. You will still spend your night alone, sitting and staring at nothing, completing mindless tasks as if they have some importance, as if you are really there. Be careful where you let your mind wander. Night time is the darkest time in depression. That's when all the demons come out, when you become weaker. It is when you will hurt yourself simply to make the urges stop for 5 minutes. It is when you will spend hours crying or screaming for no reason other than the agony inside. You will shake and feel as though your whole body will cave in or explode. No one will understand. You do not have hospital beds, drips, bandages or needles to make people worry. To make them realize that this sad little girl is actually sick and needs help. Of course the depression will have destroyed any self esteem you might have had, so you'll be too scared to ask for the help you need. You just go on, hoping someone will notice your slow, meticulous self-destruction. Donít worry, it wonít always be so bad. Some days you might even feel stable. You might walk tall for one day, feeling a glint of hope that maybe one day things will get better, that things are getting better and you have the strength to fight. Then one small thing will go wrong, and youíll fall apart all over again. You feel stupid for even considering that things could get better.

Have you ever felt as though your whole body could just crumble any minute? Just crumble and fall apart, like itís lost anything it had holding it together. Thatís what it feel like all the time to be depressed. That raw fragility. It feels as though the smallest disruption in our life, or in your head, or in the world, could send everything spiraling downwards. And it can. The tiniest mistake can cause you to hate yourself more than you could possibly imagine. The smallest crack in your world can make it all seem pointless.
Depression destroys any resources you have. Any strength or courage you kept stored away for emergencies. So if the tiniest little storm hits, you are left to trying to survive the ravages of a cyclone without a life boat. It wears you down and even the smallest crack can seem like an earthquake and every minute is spent waiting for the next shake. And then one day, you will find yourself curled up on your bedroom floor, sobbing, because you canít find anything to wear. Every little thing is just more proof of how worthless you are.

Eventually, you begin to expect it. You anticipate the bad times, because you know the good times are just fooling you. And they are filled with fear and anxiety over when everything will come crashing down again. You are always waiting for the next breakdown. Youíve become so accustomed to feeling miserable, that happiness is a foreign feeling that you wonít even let yourself experience. You donít deserve it. So you become numb, which at times, is worse than the full-blown screaming and crying depressive Ďepisodes.í You find yourself begging to hurt again, because any feeling is better than feeling nothing at all.

Depression is one of the cruelest of all illnesses. You see, itís much easier to fight when you can see an end to it all. When you know that in the end you will either win or lose. But whatever the outcome, the war will be over. The thing about depression is it blurs your perception of the future and makes it near impossible to see that end. You start to think that thereís no such thing as Ďwinningí and why bother fighting if you already know the outcome. It gradually strips you of any hope you previously had. And without hope, itís difficult to see a future or a reason to fight.
Okay, so I figured I'd submit a bit more prose. I've been writing this on and off for a few months. It's just..my thoughts on depression I guess. Not great and it's definitely not finished.
-------------

updated:
I thought I'd answer some questions I frequently get asked on this piece.
- Yes, I do have depression. I've suffered from it for 6 years now as well as social anxiety and generalised anxiety disorder.
- I am now on my way to recovery, finally, thanks to a wonderful counsellor and a LOT of hard work with CBT. It's hard and scary, but it's the greatest feeling when I have a completely depression-free day. Recovery is possible!
- I will finish this one day, when the time's right.

If anyone has any questions about using this for school projects or publications please send me a note. While I do read and appreciate all your comments, I just don't have time to reply to all of them and occasionally some get missed.
I am so unbelievably grateful that something I wrote years ago when I was at my worst is still able to reach people. Trust me, you are NOT alone. Look for a support group in your area, and there are PLENTY of places for support online.
Add a Comment:
 
:iconenigma621:
Enigma621 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2017
People at least ask u if you're fine but here nobody cares..
Reply
:iconlibrarian-of-hell:
librarian-of-hell Featured By Owner Jul 6, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
This is not depression. It's called being alive.
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:iconn1cu5-h4b3l:
N1cu5-H4b3l Featured By Owner Mar 13, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
Im happy to know there are others out there like me.
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:iconkierasawhite:
KierasaWhite Featured By Owner Mar 10, 2017  Hobbyist General Artist
It's beautiful
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:iconthelostrejectedsoul:
TheLostRejectedSoul Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2016
God dammit...
You just read my whole life out in front of me...
Reply
:iconsapphire-shaggy:
Sapphire-Shaggy Featured By Owner Sep 10, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Why do your were words best describe what's happening with me? When I would hurt myself, my mom eventually will notice and ask me why I did it, I never had the words to explain why but, now I'm going to show her this, cause this is how I feel all the time, why I'm monotoned and listless, this is exactly how I feel.
Reply
:iconanimejunkee:
AnimeJunkee Featured By Owner Aug 5, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
The worst thing about depression for me is how much it's affecting my family. They know I have depression and they try to help when they can, and this leads to them not getting enough sleep, stress from worrying about me, and arguments about how I should see a therapist but can't because of busy schedules and money being tight.
I try to bottle it up so they won't have to deal with me as much, but that only makes me feel worse, which only leads to more stress for all of us.
After a while, I start to wish that I never existed, just so that their lives could be easier.

I know things will get better, and I'm trying hard to stay productive so that I don't feel like more of a burden and a waste of space, but sometimes it is tough when I'm trapped in my thoughts and unable to do even the simplest of tasks.
Reply
:iconkaltenacht:
kaltenacht Featured By Owner Jul 13, 2016
Thank you, I thought I was reading my life
For years I've been trying to "cheer up" but how to do it if I don't even remember what that's like
Reply
:icondaku-shizen:
Daku-Shizen Featured By Owner May 1, 2016  Hobbyist General Artist
Spoken so well....
Reply
:iconlexa-fnaf:
lexa-fnaf Featured By Owner Apr 25, 2016  Student General Artist
Thank you....
Reply
:iconblooky98:
Blooky98 Featured By Owner Apr 7, 2016  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
this is so true. I remember my english teacher asked our class if we have any problems that affect our studies, so I raised my hand and said "my depression" I instantly felt so misunderstood with her response which was " that's not a problem" not knowing the unbearable pain I was feeling inside. I've told my friends but they don't seem to understand nor care either. I feel hopeless, umwanted, disliked, useless, tired. tired of hearing " just get happy!" tired of being in a world where no one understands, I can't take anymore...
Reply
:iconthelostrejectedsoul:
TheLostRejectedSoul Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2016
Ya I hate when people don't get it or think its all in your head...
the only ones that get it are the ones who have had it...
Reply
:iconblooky98:
Blooky98 Featured By Owner Nov 9, 2016  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I know right a lot of my friends say to get a hobby or that happiness is a choice. I mean you don't choose to put on a big smile when you hear the sailor moon theme song.
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:iconthelostrejectedsoul:
TheLostRejectedSoul Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2016
Ya I mean my friends say "just be happy"
what? So you think I choose to "just be depressed?"
Reply
:iconblooky98:
Blooky98 Featured By Owner Nov 10, 2016  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
I hate it when people say things like that, i don't like it when people say just find the one thing deep inside that makes you happy or whatever and you say "ok" because you know it's easier to say than how you really feel. because I feel empty, like a cave, and at the very end of this cave and I don't know how to get out and there are monsters in this cave and they're eating away at anything that's left of me.
Reply
:iconthelostrejectedsoul:
TheLostRejectedSoul Featured By Owner Nov 14, 2016
Everyone does have that one thing that makes them happy, but when your depressed you don't want to or don't think you can but sometimes it does take a long time to find that...
A LONG time.
And ya for a long time I just said I was tired and I just made up excuses until one night I broke. then went to school everyone could tell I was tired and my eyes were puffy and red and I broke it to my friends.  But I also said ok and made excuses.
and I can relate on the note of feeling empty like a cave.
i have a cave where depression lurks I'm chained to the wall and slowly being drained of happiness and my inner being.
i also hav another cave...
i have no one special in my life, no one to love and opens up my heart to get hurt more easily and in a way it hardens my heart
i am dying for someone but I also don't want to get hurt more than I am right now
Reply
:iconblooky98:
Blooky98 Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2016  Hobbyist Artisan Crafter
yeah... I really need someone to talk to, who acually understands me, but I'm afraid I'll get hurt or they'll reject me or they won't understand me. I just recently stared to slowly leave my cave, but every time I do, I just get dragged back in...
Reply
:iconthelostrejectedsoul:
TheLostRejectedSoul Featured By Owner Nov 15, 2016
I get how you feel, I need that someone. Lots of my friends suffer from depression, and they try to help me but they can't because... I think I have a different type of depression idk but they don't get it.  And I get that your afraid you'll get hurt. Im In this in between where I want to take a chance but don't want to get pushed but further into my  "cave".  It seems like Every time I take a chance or risk it ends up in the worst way possible.
Reply
:iconsheevamaria:
sheevamaria Featured By Owner Mar 3, 2016  Hobbyist Writer
know what it is... I suffered from it and my best friend did. Some actions can make the situation worse, so it is necessary to know how to help a close one.. undepress.net/how-to-help-some…
Reply
:iconsaffronnaa:
saffronnaa Featured By Owner Jan 23, 2016
Is depression a disability? Find out here, it is an interesting article: bit.ly/1Qs5WgO :)
Reply
:icondiscari:
Discari Featured By Owner Dec 5, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Numb.
Reply
:iconxxmikasa-changxx:
xXMikasa-ChangXx Featured By Owner Dec 1, 2015
I'm still only going through the first stages. Thanks for the heads up on what's to come.
Reply
:iconmilkbin:
MilkBin Featured By Owner Sep 28, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Thank you
Reply
:iconyamiishiro:
yamiishiro Featured By Owner Sep 21, 2015   Digital Artist
while reading this...I can't say that I cried a bucket of tears...because I did. Really. I hope everyday to die a painless death tbh because I don't see my future being bright.. I always feel alone, no matter how many friends I have...
Reply
:iconxxcloneyxx:
xXCloneyXx Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I feel the same way.. Sorry I cant be more helpful, I just was surprised to hear such an accurate representation of my feelings in another person.
Reply
:iconyamiishiro:
yamiishiro Featured By Owner Sep 22, 2015   Digital Artist
;v; let's just hope we will get over it soon and be alright one day...
Reply
:iconxxcloneyxx:
xXCloneyXx Featured By Owner Sep 23, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah, maybe...
Reply
:iconslofy:
SLOFY Featured By Owner Sep 15, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i have depression for 9 years and still counting, not getting better, just getting worse. it just started out as normal depression but mutated into psychotic depression, i sometimes see people that arent there and hear people call my name. sometimes i think people are out to get me, i get out of touch with reality. and what makes things worse is no one understands this feeling plus my parents dont believe i have depression and they couldnt care less about it. they think im lying about, until they see the scars and the late night crying and destrustion. 
Reply
:iconkcat-creations:
KCat-Creations Featured By Owner Sep 4, 2015  Student Digital Artist
Don't worry, I will pray for you. God will fix everything. Just close your eyes and reach out to God. Don't let go. Don't ever let go. God loves you so much, and he is going to save you from this hell. Don't worry. It's ok to cry. God's going to save you. You're going to be alright. Just hold on and keep your faith. You'll be alright. I promise.
Reply
:iconshadowboxy:
ShadowBoxy Featured By Owner Aug 13, 2015
I can relate to this so well, thank you for showing those who may not think depression as serious, because even though everyone's experience of depression is different, we can all relate to it very well.
Reply
:iconmy-daily-boring-life:
My-Daily-Boring-Life Featured By Owner Jul 31, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
The most accurate explanation about depression that I have read. It definitely brought me close to tears. 
Reply
:iconenigma621:
Enigma621 Featured By Owner Jul 9, 2017
True
Reply
:iconizuhbella:
izuhbella Featured By Owner Jun 19, 2015  Student
This is the most accurate description I have ever heard of depression.
Reply
:iconshinbum:
shinbum Featured By Owner Jun 5, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Very accurate. That's all I can say about that.
Reply
:iconmixitpixit:
MixItPixIt Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
This has brought me to almost tears depression has taken over my life and I can admit I am afraid to tell people they might send me to a mental institute and leave me to die
Reply
:iconnuttelaaddict44:
Nuttelaaddict44 Featured By Owner Jun 1, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
Out of all the times to listen to Nothing and Everything it HAD to be now... Very well written. Great job!
Reply
:iconluis-ortiz:
luis-ortiz Featured By Owner May 28, 2015
I love this! very well said, it describe depression so well, which is hard for me bc when I try to tell what I have they either dont believe me and blow it off or look confused and say the usual, cheer up, go to parties, drink, etc. even though depression is hard to put into words especially for those who never had it, I think this explain its well, awesome job definitely going to favorite 
Reply
:icontofandomtofathom:
ToFandomtoFathom Featured By Owner May 20, 2015  Student Writer
One day I'm going to die, at times, I hope it's far from now and natural, other times I hope it's soon and because of me.

Right now, I'm tempted to go find a bottle of sleeping pills.
Reply
:icongears1239:
gears1239 Featured By Owner May 18, 2015  Hobbyist General Artist
They are like
"Just cheer up"
Yeah great advice
Reply
:iconask-regret:
Ask-Regret Featured By Owner May 27, 2015  Student Digital Artist
thats what everyone tells me
Reply
:iconshadoworder:
ShadowOrder Featured By Owner May 18, 2015
Meh, Depression isn't even my main concern, actually nothing concerns me these days, as in I don't care about life in general, hell the only reason I want to live is because I am curious about the future. I am pretty anti-social and at the bridge between morality and amorality. I lack proper empathy, I like it when the wealthy suffers, and people who don't know true pain. I pretty much fucked in the head some what, though I still have the feeling of happiness, I am neutral towards everything. I stopped paying attention to my depression, and other things, I let it consume me, the more I fight, the more it hurts. Though I am not sadistic, I still like it when some people suffer. Mehz, what ever, what was even the point to typing this.
Reply
:iconplatinumdrawings:
PlatinumDrawings Featured By Owner May 17, 2015  Hobbyist
This is me. This is completely me. I just feel alone, trapped, isolated, helpless, hopeless, I can't do anything. There's never anything left to fight for, and it only gets worse... It makes it seem as though nothing can help, that there's no light at the end of the tunnel. It makes suicide seem less and less like a bad idea, until that's all that occupies the mind. 
Reply
:iconcomixthreesevens:
ComixThreeSevens Featured By Owner May 9, 2015  Hobbyist Writer
Does anyone know a good method to commit suicide? Or a country where euthanasia requested because of depression is legal?
Reply
:iconforeverxxxintime:
foreverxXxintime Featured By Owner May 8, 2015  Student General Artist
Hello, I am doing a Virtual art and writing book on depression and suicide and the effects of both on a person. I was wondering if I could put this into the book. It really spoke to me, as I have been dealing with depression for Ten years now, and this is the best explanation piece I have ever seen. So if you do not mind, I would love to have this as an entry on my website. You can email me at Sierras2015@natomascharter.org with any questions. You may stay anonymous, or may put your name to your work. I would Highly appreciate this.
Reply
:iconsaratottel:
Saratottel Featured By Owner Edited Apr 23, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
This is my life. No, seriously, I wake up, attempt to go back to sleep, get yelled at by my dad, who says, "Whats wrong with you, why can't you just be normal?" Get my lunch, get on the bus, while all I can think about is every, depressing moment, and it tears me apart, shred by shred. Like paper. After school, I sit on my bed for ten minutes, while my "Friends" are all like: Go get some new friends, you dont belong here, etc. Then, mum yells at me and says "Do your homework, why can't you just do it?! Stop being lazy!" And a whole lot of other things that I don't want to go through. I eat dinner, and head to bed at 8:30, so that sleep can wash over and take me away from this treacherous world. It doesnt. I hate silence- it makes you think. About all of the terrible things going on in your life. And thats what I'm left with at night, and fall asleep with silent tears rolling down my face. I decidied to look this up- I'm to depressed to do anything else. But this is me- an endless tornado of despair, that keeps spinning round, and round, and round. Forever. A life of despair- and depression. And no end to the tunnel, or goals- they were never there. And they never will be.
Reply
:iconrosie-draws-art:
Rosie-draws-art Featured By Owner May 1, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Depression is mean. You also do self harm
I did it more than once
Reply
:iconsaratottel:
Saratottel Featured By Owner May 1, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
ikr? Banging... slamming... screaming... and I havent actually been in it for that long.
Reply
:iconrosie-draws-art:
Rosie-draws-art Featured By Owner May 1, 2015  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Ok I have had it since birth
Reply
:iconsaratottel:
Saratottel Featured By Owner May 1, 2015  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
seriously? (Im really gullible, so plz dont be tricking me. ^^;)
Reply
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