Pix3M

Me five years ago,

and me, only just yesterday

I got back from the gym.
I was also there yesterday...
and the day before that....
... and the day before that too.

I grew up with a lonely childhood and video games were... basically my only source of stimulation. Obviously that isn't healthy. Couple months back, I was spending 40+ hours per week on video games since... I literally had nothing else. I've made changes to my life style that as far as I'm concerned, may as well be permanent. I kicked the addiction and no longer spend more than two hours per day on games.

Now I'm at the gym, practicing better self-care habits and building some semblance of being social when I'm surrounded by strangers. But I'm seeing the same faces over and over again as weeks pass by... who knows? I'll be able to make connections with the type of people I'm happier with.

I've lost interest in anything related to TV, movies, and games. Music is pretty much the only pop media I consume regularly these days. I don't know what my life will look like one year from now, but will probably be just as different as what my life was one year ago

So, I am trying out Tinder.

My friends know me as somebody who has had terrible standards in people, from being involved in nerdy subcultures. I hop on tinder and somehow, everyone on there are 8/10 or higher... really makes me think about how social awkwardness has been normalized for me.

Things I seem to swipe left on:

- Single mothers. I've never had a girlfriend for more than three weeks so this is just several layers of awkward for me
- "Travel". Who doesn't like travelling? I'm not willing to spend money I don't have on vacations and prefer somebody who doesn't have expensive needs for hobbies
- Objectifying photos + lack of bio. I'm too ideologically progressive for that shit, I need somebody who values themselves more than just what they look like.
- Anxiety. I don't experience anxiety and have limited patience.
- Body shy/demisexual/asexual. Let it sink in I literally lost my virginity to a stranger, about 20 minutes after meeting them from a dating app. I am extremely easy.
- "Netflix/movies/anime/books". I am a high energy person, what you call... an "extrovert". Low energy activities I can only handle sparingly.
- Country music. I'm from the inner city, so that genre is pretty alien to me. The other way around is also true, so anyone who listens to country is probably going to get majorly culture shocked if they date me
- Foreigners. I am already partially foreign for being raised between three cultures and need to be with somebody who can get me better acquainted in my own country.
- 420 friendly. I quit weed. That is not a drug I need to be around.
- Polyamorous.
- People with expensive tastes. I am a working-class American. Need I say more?
- The phrase "do not take me out hiking". I don't hike (yet), but that is something I want to do.
- Self-described homebodies. I want to spread my wings. Homebodies will only keep me chained.
- "Self employed". I've been there before, you're not fooling me.
- Garbage college majors.
- Religious/superstitious.
- "Pizza". I'm limiting my calorie intake... and I need somebody whose food preferences aren't incredibly basic.

Things that would make me likely to swipe right:
- EDM/raves
- Cats
- Beer, or whiskey
- Tea
- Thicc (but not that thicc)
- Actually being honest as to what their job is
- Enjoys the outdoors
- Liking weird things and weird people


I mean, I hate to be that guy with impossible standards that leaves people blue-balled, but I need to remind myself that I cannot sacrifice my own needs for somebody I probably won't be happy with.

Spending a lot of time experimenting with herbs and spices for herbal tea infusions, even using them to enhance coffee, and infuse into vodka.

Whole cinnamon sticks, cloves, lemon and orange peels, star anise, dried licorice root, rose hips, jasmine flowers, lavender, mint.... I'm having too much fun with this.

Neiot recommended me to try some Hojicha, apparently is a Japanese-style tea, which is roasted green tea. Has a dark, robust flavor similar to oolong, but smokier. Thanks to her, I discovered my next most favorite tea  

... really changes how you think about driving.

When I was taught how to drive, my mind's focus was learning how to get from point A to point B. How to make turns, how to make basic maneuvers. That was the point of driving, to me.

I was in that old white sedan, that had two steering wheels and two gas/brake pedals. The driving instructor, speaking in his Chinese accented Chinese in his stilted English. He was pretty hand-holdy at first, but eventually I was able to learn how to make maneuvers pretty reliably. Not like I had a car, both my parents had their cars that they needed more than I do. 

Eventually my mom got a new one and gave her old one to me - a 2004 Chevrolet Tracker. At this point this car was basically part of my childhood.

I was driving home about 3 AM, coming from work. I was making a turn and climbing up to the crest of a hill, some asshole was shining a bright white flashlight into my faceand I didn't take the hint to slow down. Then there was a firetruck. I crashed and lost a left headlight and left mirror, and the driver door no longer opens fully.

So. I am left without a car. I pretty much destroyed a part of my childhood. I can spin the story to make it appear that the firetruck is liable for blocking two out of three lanes in the most ridiculously bad spot possible, past the crest of the hill, around a corner, which would give me only 3 seconds to react to find out that they were not parked on the shoulder but blocking two lanes out of three. But, I'm out of luck. I've been working with insurance and tried contacting some lawyers. In the legal system I'm in, I have no way to shift the liability on to them and it's entirely on me.

I used to be afraid of accidents since I have no financial ability to own up to anything that happens, then after some driving experience, I stopped being afraid of them. Now, I'm afraid of them again.

So, what have I learned? I should treat driving more like a game of liability. Next time I am ever in a car accident, I want to be able to say, "I am not liable for this accident." My driving style changed almost overnight ever since that incident.

Some lessons, you have to learn the hard way.