Its awful to feel like a joke. The never ending butt of a joke that society thinks is so damn funny.
I'm fat, I know it, I never really saw it as a negative thing until recently. It's not something I let hold me back. I hike, I ride my bike, I wander the world on foot. But damn dosent the world like to put you down for it. I can count the amount of times I've done something a "fat" person shouldn't be able to do. This comes up alot since I work a physically demanding job.....especially with new people who dont get just how fast the machine is going.
It's so wonderfully frustrating to get to see people like me as the joke in popular media. All with the "love your self" undertones being played in the background. Yeah that's real helpful. It just so uplifting. My size is funny, but I can fix that right......its easy......just diet and exercise. HA! You know the thing about being fat is....it comes from alot of different reasons.....food isn't always the problem. And well me I'm the winner of the genetic lottery...yay. nothing like having a hormone issue run in the family. Just make everything so damn easy.
And Dating....we're not gonna talk about Dating. 4 years, 3 cats. No relationships. Unfortunately I've been trying. Waste of my time and effort. They just see my body and nothing more. And that's all it takes. Please dont tell me it's just the guys I'm trying or that the right one is out there, ok. Because I'm not going to waste my time any more. I'd rather do something else than try to go on another date.....I'll take my self to dinner, no "strings" attached.
I'm a wonderful mess of trust issues, anxiety, and depression that has crammed itself into a small metal box. I'm tired. Im so tired for pushing forward alone. I feel like I'm wandering in the desert chasing mirages.
And then the world steps in to back it up. With the "fat chick" cliche. She's fat...that's funny, right? Wonderful.