s
literature

sinking ships

Daily Deviation
PinkRangerPower's avatar
By PinkRangerPower   |   Watch
69 40 2K (1 Today)
Published: October 16, 2018
she was only a thought.
a means to an end
in a story he dreamt

when he was alone.

a fantasy that conformed;
fulfilled his needs
whenever he called

at the cost of her own.

she was obscurity.
a woman lost in the myth
of a man suffocating

in his own vanity.

he thrived in her misery.
a consumption of her gifts
leaving pitted skin;

a puppet of a woman.

they were a tragedy.
a sacrifice made in vain
to Gods that did not approve,

because there was nothing there...

- in the first place.
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I am not a garden for you to slither through, for you to feed on the shrews of my smile. You're serpentine, hissing hypnosis, trying to lull me to love you. You should know, I am a daughter of Eve; I crush the skulls of snakes beneath my heel, a warrior woman, matriarch of the lost causes. Take your scarlet lust, your dapper misogyny; take your slimy hands and paddle the earth. Dig. Here you'll find me, in the metallic earth. The dirt is cool, it cleanses; I plant my feet like roots. I am a daughter of Eve, and I've been burdened by deceit before. Hear my cry: I will not eat of the same fruit twice. Instead, I will drink, deep.
© 2018 - 2019 PinkRangerPower
Losing yourself in someone else's story isn't love.

It's a tragedy. This is mine. :no:

Greatly inspired by doming92's [ Tragic story ].


It's okay to have scars. Just find someone that loves them. Because that means they love you. 

Any feedback is appreciated. :huggle:

Kimberly :heart:




:new: UPDATE: OMG! I still can't believe that this piece is my first Daily Deviation! Thank you so much, akrasiel! And thank you to everyone that :+fav:ed, commented, or shared. I appreciate all of your support, and please be sure to check out the other pieces that were featured as Daily Deviations the same day: November 3, 2018 - Daily Deviations. :heart:
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f
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it’s one o’ clock in the morning and i’m the only one awake; the only partner i have is the dimness of my screen-light. the rest of the house is asleep, except for the small night-lights that turn on when it becomes too dark to see; sad, sorry, automated lights. lights with no choice but to turn on or off, with only the darkness to tell them when they’re right or wrong; they are a house without clocks, its inhabitants relying on the rise of sunlight to wake and the fluctuating starlight of human-named constellations to guide them to sleep. if it weren’t for the sliver of light in my peripheral vision, i&#82
e
eden
I am not a garden for you to slither through, for you to feed on the shrews of my smile. You're serpentine, hissing hypnosis, trying to lull me to love you. You should know, I am a daughter of Eve; I crush the skulls of snakes beneath my heel, a warrior woman, matriarch of the lost causes. Take your scarlet lust, your dapper misogyny; take your slimy hands and paddle the earth. Dig. Here you'll find me, in the metallic earth. The dirt is cool, it cleanses; I plant my feet like roots. I am a daughter of Eve, and I've been burdened by deceit before. Hear my cry: I will not eat of the same fruit twice. Instead, I will drink, deep.
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Comments (35)
naprimerjanez's avatar
naprimerjanez|Hobbyist Writer
Well written.
Reply  ·  
Cedric-Scorch's avatar
Damn...just...damn...that is good.Clap 
Reply  ·  
Goddess-of-Gales's avatar
Goddess-of-Gales|Hobbyist General Artist
Hello, I'm here from :iconreadthine-readmine: to critique your lovely poem :D To be honest, I'm not as experienced or well informed with poetry as I am with prose, but I'll try my best to give an in-depth critique. ;)

So first off, congrats on getting a DD! :winner::w00t::clap: That's so awesome! And also well deserved, I can see why you earned it for this one. :nod:

What impressed me the most ... without a doubt, the emotional impact and relatablity. This piece feels very sincere. It's obviously personal, but I know there will be many others out there who will be able to relate to this feeling. The unfortunate truth about relationships, is that so many of them will end up in heartbreak. Yet that just makes us appreciate the ones that do work out all the more. :hug:

I also like that you wrote it in a way that's interesting, but not too obscure. I feel like you put a lot of thought into word choices, but didn't go so far as to make it difficult to understand or follow—as is an issue I usually have with poetry. I think it's difficult to write poems that are creative and unique, but still manage to get your point across to all your readers. Yet this is something that this one does rather well.

As far as constructive criticism goes, I have two suggestions. So the first is a minor one, but I'd like to see more of a tie-in with the title. The metaphor of a literal sinking ship to the figurative of a failed relationship could make for some beautiful imagery. However, this comparison isn't even brought up in the poem itself, which seems like a shame. I'd like to see you reinforce the idea and explore the title more in the poem itself—however, this could be just my personal opinion.

Now my second suggestion, for me, is the bigger issue. The style of punctuation and absence of capital letters is rather disorienting to me. I understand these areas are more forgiving in poetry and, for the most part, is just a matter of style and preference. Yet personally—as a prose writer—I find it to be rather distracting. Specifically the things I have an issue with are the lack of capitals at the beginning of a sentence, incorrect usage of semi colons, and using a hyphen (-) instead of an em dash (—). The final two I included links to articles explaining the proper usages of each.

All in all, I did enjoy reading this lovely poem. Thank you for reading my critique. :thanks: Good luck with all your future writings! :D
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dailydragonlair's avatar
Brilliant work! Congratulations on your Daily Deviation!
Reply  ·  
NotWithoutHonor's avatar
NotWithoutHonor|Hobbyist General Artist
Awesome! Congratulations!
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you very much! :iconbrohugplz: :heart: 
Reply  ·  
AmmonaArt's avatar
AmmonaArt|Hobbyist General Artist
Wow... Touching...... Congratulations.
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it. :huggle: :heart: 
Reply  ·  
FRIEND711's avatar
FRIEND711|Hobbyist Writer
This is breath taking XD it's awesome. Also congratulations for the Daily Deviantion! 
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you very much! :huggle: :heart: 
Reply  ·  
FRIEND711's avatar
FRIEND711|Hobbyist Writer
anytime! XD just saying the truth! keep up the good work :333 looking forward to your future work and man, I`ll work hard on my writing too :,D
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Hug Attack Hug Hug :heart: 
Reply  ·  
daveisquiet's avatar
mirrors seldom reflect so brightly....nicely felt and received...
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you always for your beautiful words. :smooch: :heart: 
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you very much! :dummy: :heart: 
Reply  ·  
Championx91's avatar
You're welcome! :love:
Reply  ·  
jonwassing's avatar
jonwassing|Hobbyist Writer
Comment Featured By Owner
Congrats in the Daily Deviation, well-deserved for this piece, in my opinion. You tell such elegant stories, with a vocabulary and choice of words that just leap of the page (erm, computer screen). Congrats again, and lots of luck in future deviations! :D
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you SO much! You're always so kind with your sentiments and feedback. I truly appreciate it :iconrubcheeksplz: :heart: 
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jonwassing's avatar
jonwassing|Hobbyist Writer
Anytime! :D
Reply  ·  
LindArtz's avatar
LindArtz|Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very well done!! :clap:!!


Congratulations on your much deserved DD!  :)

For My Personal Use DO NOT USE!!! by LindArtz


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PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you very much! :D :heart:
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3wyl's avatar
3wyl|Hobbyist General Artist
Congratulations on the Daily Deviation! :heart:
Reply  ·  
PinkRangerPower's avatar
Thank you SO much! :huggle: :heart:
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