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she was only a thought.
a means to an end
in a story he dreamt

when he was alone.

a fantasy that conformed;
fulfilled his needs
whenever he called

at the cost of her own.

she was obscurity.
a woman lost in the myth
of a man suffocating

in his own vanity.

he thrived in her misery.
a consumption of her gifts
leaving pitted skin;

a puppet of a woman.

they were a tragedy.
a sacrifice made in vain
to Gods that did not approve,

because there was nothing there...

- in the first place.
Losing yourself in someone else's story isn't love.

It's a tragedy. This is mine. :no:

Greatly inspired by doming92's [ Tragic story ].


It's okay to have scars. Just find someone that loves them. Because that means they love you. 

Any feedback is appreciated. :huggle:

Kimberly :heart:




:new: UPDATE: OMG! I still can't believe that this piece is my first Daily Deviation! Thank you so much, akrasiel! And thank you to everyone that :+fav:ed, commented, or shared. I appreciate all of your support, and please be sure to check out the other pieces that were featured as Daily Deviations the same day: November 3, 2018 - Daily Deviations. :heart:
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Daily Deviation

Given 2018-11-03
:iconl-b-demaree:
Let me start off, yet again, by saying another INCREDIBLE poem! I just love how I can relate to this one!

Alright, so vision. I can visualize this so much, seeing as I've done this a lot in my life, too. It's hard at first, but you get over it in due time and have to move on.

Originality is so amazing that I have never seen a poem like this before! I have loads of poems I have to go through every day when I get on here, and this one is by far the best!

Technique is epic! You did an amazing job here! I love how you wrote the ending where it says "because there was nothing there... - in the first place." Now THAT's what I call an amazing technique!

The impact of this poem on me hit me hard at first, because I have an ex girlfriend from here, dunno their actual name now as they're trans, but, she never emailed me after a month about two years ago. So I was hurt by that, and this poem made me think of that, especially reading the comments.

I gotta say, this is the best piece yet, Kimberly! You have made it so amazing, I can't help but put 5 stars every time I see this!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

:icondavidandino:
this can be a love poem but it's a lot darker than an average love poem but this one deals with losing a friend and a loved one. i loved the words even though much of it is sparse but it's good in it's brevity. i know this one is to the point and very dark and tragic at the end. very lovely this poem as it is also has a bit of a light and shade vibe to it. although i saw many deviants do dark poetry, yours is more romantic yet also has a mystic vibe. beautiful choice of words. i know it's painful losing a loved one but in the end, everything will be alright. very good stuff :)
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconcedric-scorch:
Cedric-Scorch Featured By Owner 1 day ago  Hobbyist Writer
Damn...just...damn...that is good.Clap 
Reply
:icongoddess-of-gales:
Goddess-of-Gales Featured By Owner Jan 4, 2019  Hobbyist General Artist
Hello, I'm here from :iconreadthine-readmine: to critique your lovely poem :D To be honest, I'm not as experienced or well informed with poetry as I am with prose, but I'll try my best to give an in-depth critique. ;)

So first off, congrats on getting a DD! :winner::w00t::clap: That's so awesome! And also well deserved, I can see why you earned it for this one. :nod:

What impressed me the most ... without a doubt, the emotional impact and relatablity. This piece feels very sincere. It's obviously personal, but I know there will be many others out there who will be able to relate to this feeling. The unfortunate truth about relationships, is that so many of them will end up in heartbreak. Yet that just makes us appreciate the ones that do work out all the more. :hug:

I also like that you wrote it in a way that's interesting, but not too obscure. I feel like you put a lot of thought into word choices, but didn't go so far as to make it difficult to understand or follow—as is an issue I usually have with poetry. I think it's difficult to write poems that are creative and unique, but still manage to get your point across to all your readers. Yet this is something that this one does rather well.

As far as constructive criticism goes, I have two suggestions. So the first is a minor one, but I'd like to see more of a tie-in with the title. The metaphor of a literal sinking ship to the figurative of a failed relationship could make for some beautiful imagery. However, this comparison isn't even brought up in the poem itself, which seems like a shame. I'd like to see you reinforce the idea and explore the title more in the poem itself—however, this could be just my personal opinion.

Now my second suggestion, for me, is the bigger issue. The style of punctuation and absence of capital letters is rather disorienting to me. I understand these areas are more forgiving in poetry and, for the most part, is just a matter of style and preference. Yet personally—as a prose writer—I find it to be rather distracting. Specifically the things I have an issue with are the lack of capitals at the beginning of a sentence, incorrect usage of semi colons, and using a hyphen (-) instead of an em dash (—). The final two I included links to articles explaining the proper usages of each.

All in all, I did enjoy reading this lovely poem. Thank you for reading my critique. :thanks: Good luck with all your future writings! :D
Reply
:icondailydragonlair:
dailydragonlair Featured By Owner Dec 9, 2018
Brilliant work! Congratulations on your Daily Deviation!
Reply
:iconnotwithouthonor:
NotWithoutHonor Featured By Owner Nov 6, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Awesome! Congratulations!
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :iconbrohugplz: :heart: 
Reply
:iconammonaart:
AmmonaArt Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Wow... Touching...... Congratulations.
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 5, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! I truly appreciate it. :huggle: :heart: 
Reply
:iconfriend711:
FRIEND711 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
This is breath taking XD it's awesome. Also congratulations for the Daily Deviantion! 
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :huggle: :heart: 
Reply
:iconfriend711:
FRIEND711 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
anytime! XD just saying the truth! keep up the good work :333 looking forward to your future work and man, I`ll work hard on my writing too :,D
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Hug Attack Hug Hug :heart: 
Reply
:iconfriend711:
FRIEND711 Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
awhhhh ^-^ and OMG thank you so much for the llama and the watch! XDDDD I hope you will like the art and story i make :,3
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
I'm sure I will :huggle: You're very welcome! :iconsupertighthugplz: :heart: 
Reply
:iconfriend711:
FRIEND711 Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
XD thank you agian! I just posted something yesterday :3 its a hand drawing but still i hope you saw it :,D its one of my better works ^^" 
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
I'll go check it out now! :heart:
Reply
(1 Reply)
:icondaveisquiet:
daveisquiet Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018
mirrors seldom reflect so brightly....nicely felt and received...
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you always for your beautiful words. :smooch: :heart: 
Reply
:iconchampionx91:
Championx91 Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :dummy: :heart: 
Reply
:iconchampionx91:
Championx91 Featured By Owner Nov 24, 2018
You're welcome! :love:
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you SO much! You're always so kind with your sentiments and feedback. I truly appreciate it :iconrubcheeksplz: :heart: 
Reply
:iconjonwassing:
jonwassing Featured By Owner Nov 4, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Anytime! :D
Reply
:iconlindartz:
LindArtz Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Very well done!! :clap:!!


Congratulations on your much deserved DD!  :)

For My Personal Use DO NOT USE!!! by LindArtz


Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :D :heart:
Reply
:icon3wyl:
3wyl Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Congratulations on the Daily Deviation! :heart:
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you SO much! :huggle: :heart:
Reply
:iconbattlefairies:
BATTLEFAIRIES Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018

A tragedy if I ever saw one. Cheers love, and congratulations with the DD!

Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Nov 3, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! :love: :heart:
Reply
:iconsassy--cat:
Sassy--Cat Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Very touching and creative!
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :iconbrohugplz:
Reply
:iconsassy--cat:
Sassy--Cat Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
My pleasure
Reply
:iconalviniscute:
alviniscute Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2018
the pace of the poem is nice, leads the reader on some interesting emotions :)
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you very much! I appreciate you taking the time to read :iconrubcheeksplz: :heart:
Reply
:iconmuttboy2003:
muttboy2003 Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2018  Student General Artist
Very nice poem, I think it's very complexed. Neat job.
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you! :dummy: :heart:
Reply
:iconpinkrangerpower:
PinkRangerPower Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
Hugs work, too! :iconsupertighthugplz:

It's a negative stereotype, but it is also very true that women fall for men that our narcissistic assholes.

The truth is, we love people that treat us like shit because that's all we think we're worth. I think the same can be said of men as well - just maybe not as often. It takes one person to help us see that we never deserved it. Sometimes that person is ourselves. ^^;

Thank you for the connection and the comment. :iconrubcheeksplz: :heart:
Reply
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October 16, 2018
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