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We must meet the challenge rather than wish it were not before us."—William J. Brennan, Jr., Former Associate Justice of the U.S. Supreme Court

[F2U] heart menhera bullet  What Happened? [F2U] heart menhera bullet 

  
June 4th 2018.
.:F2U:. Pink Pill V1  So it finally happened, the surgery I had been waiting on for, god knows how long now. I had it cancelled a few times, and the last time it got cancelled really upset me. So to finally be admitted in was a relief. I didn't feel too scared, because I knew that I had the top surgeons and I put my trust in them. I also didn't want to overthink it because that's literally my specificity!. So anyway, I get admitted, and luckily it wasn't a long wait because I was first on the list which I thought, ' great!' get it over  and done with so I can finally have a drink. ( as you are nill by mouth for hours, and not allowed anything until after the surgery is done ).. So I get put under anesthetic, and um.. I don't really remember much apart from them asking me to ' keep my eyes open as long as I can' and that's it.. 
Moving forward to after the surgery is done, I remember just being in agony.. Now I wasn't too concerned about this because. Heck, I just had fucking surgery on my face.. I also had a very tight bandage around my whole face. But what was weird was that I felt pain as soon as I woke up. ( because normally you're still under local anesthetic and the pain comes when you're back on the ward.) anyway didn't think much of it.. The nurse kept upping the meds, but honestly, I could still feel everything orz.. If I had to describe the pain, it felt like I had been shot through the ear, and the bullet had lodged itself inside my cheek. No this has never happened to me, but it was the only thought I had at the time lol. So I get taken back to the ward, which I love because my mum is there U w U. And this time so was my sister.. I still was in pain, but I was more happy to be back with my family to care / and to be alive and awake. I push forward, let everyone know i'm awake on Facebook but in a lot of pain but doing my best to fight it. My mum goes home to drop my sister back home, so I decide to keep myself from thinking about pain, I start chatting with a friend... 
This is where things  get a bit um.. Serious.. It wasn't until like, 20, or 30 minutes in the conversation, I felt a drip just run done my back. To my discovery it was blood.. I called the nurse over to let them know, they reassured me that it was coming from my drain. ( you have to have a drain after surgery so you don't get blood clots afterwards) I was a little unsure and asked again if they where sure, and they where positive it was the drain.. However I had to change my shirt because I was covered in blood. It didn't take long for me to really start to panic.. The pain came back at full force making any other distractions impossible to ignore. The horrible thing was not having my mum for those few minutes because I know that she would of stood up for me and told the nurses to maybe get a doctor to check. To be honest, those minutes waiting for my mum is a faze, i'm sitting here writing trying to remember but honestly I can't. But I do remember when she got back and all what went down..  By time, i'm starting to cry out in pain.. I can't even put a label on the pain I described as being shot in the ear. I hardly ever cry about pain, I mean heck I cry like a baby when i'm mentally sad I admit. But pain I don't do as often.. I knew what was wrong.. My mum knew what was wrong.. I had developed a haematoma, however getting nurses to believe this was a little challenging at first. I couldn't see it, but my mum had said  she saw the bulging coming out of the bandages. It wasn't until the head nurse had confirmed it that it was decided I had that I had to have emergency surgery.  However, although it was considered an emergency, I had to wait hours because my surgeon went home and had to be paged back.. To make matters worse someone was already in theatre ( OT) so I had to wait until they where done with. It was finally my turn and it was about 11pm so I was exhausted from pain, crying, and the early morning I had to get to the hospital. I'm finally wheeled into the theatre and there's my surgeon who is sweet as anything. She cut of my bandage which was too tight and god that felt amazing. ( I literally couldn't lay properly, my head was propped up by tons of pillows as if I laid down the bandage dug into my neck chocking me ) She also held my hand which was nice. So off I go again, under anesthetic. 

This time when I first woke up after surgery to remove the haematoma, I didn't wake in pain, and thank god this time the bandage wasn't tight.. I'm feeling a ton better, I feel a little groggy, and a bit anxious, because its all dark, its way past 12am now and I had a nurse, just staring at me.. Watching my observations. My heart monitor kept going off, and they keep looking at me, and whispering to other nurses which made me feel weird..  In the end they told me my heart was going pretty fast, which didn't surprise me since I've had trouble with my heart for a long time. Its always has moments where it beats like crazy. I told them this is normal for me, but they wanted to keep an eye on me for a bit which I was fine, but when you're in recovery, no patients are allowed... I'm panicking because I know my poor mum is been told nothing, and waiting for my return. I also don't enjoy being in a dark room with a nurse constantly staring.. In the end after hours, they decide i'll probably calm down a little if I could see my mum. Which I did. It was still very fast, but slower then it was. I finally was allowed back on the ward and caught up on some sleep.. So now it being the next day, i'm exhausted  but in no longer in a heck ton of pain. My sister visits me, along with my personal nurse. We brought her up to date with everything going on, so she stayed longer to see how I am.. However she didn't like the look of the colour in my face. She asked how I felt, and if i'm feeling fluttering in my chest, which I did feel something, but nothing major. My nurse went home, but informed the other nurses to inform a doctor to take a look at me. Hours tick by, and i'm sitting by a fan, because it was a really hot day and it made me feel really awful. I get a tap on the shoulder, and there I see one of my other surgeons.. So I was told to basically get back in bed, well he didn't say it but I can tell he wanted me too and so did my mum. So yeah, i'm in bed and again there asking the same questions, and i'm just laying here like ' oh what now.. leave me alone I wanna relax ' But things only got more annoying for me..
They put me on oxygen, which was those nose ones, and I reallly hate them - 3 -.. so i'm grumpy as fuck, and also really airy. I kept visualizing weird shit..So then the doctor decides to order a CT scan. Which was horrible, because when they insert the dye in you, it makes you all warm and experience the feeling of pee peeing yourself and made my heart skip a beat.. So an hour after scan one of the doctors comes towards us all smiles, so i'm thinking.. ' YAY' everything okay' Then he goes to my mum ' everything fine, just a small blood clot :D ' - wait what.. o_o.. yeah. I couldn't hear because I was still kinda half asleep. But my mum told me. So basically, I have a blood clot in my lung at the moment. Its only small and i'm on pills for it. I have to be on it for 3 months.. How it happened?.. Well probably being under anesthetic for the second time that caused it ( i'm not sure, but according to my nurse, this is usually the main reason a blood clot would appear out of the blue ).. I was in hospital for a week, on antibiotics and blood thinning IV drip. A lot of things happened.. I mean the heamatoma was always a risk due to how the tumors bleed. I also apparently have thin blood anyway so that didn't help ( I had to be on the blood thinning iv for the blood clot, i'm on oral stuff now ). But yeah the blood clot is a little unexpected.. But yeah.. It was also unexpected to be in hospital that long too... So yeah its been really crazy. 
Do I regret wanting / having surgery?.. Did it affect me?.. Yeah, don't get me wrong.. This is isn't the only surgery where I mentally struggled. Because 2013 was pretty bad. But yeah, I did mentally struggle. It took at least 3 to 4 weeks recovery. The results where worth it. 
I did tell myself I weren't going to do any more surgery again because of this. But I don't want to be told to run by fear.. I mean of course i'll be careful, and won't do anything that's too risky.. But I still have tumors that suffocate me.. I don't want to go into that detail, but if there's something they CAN do ( ( without too much risks ) to help make my life feel a little easier/ or make me feel better then I want to go for it.. I'm so tired of my illness preventing me from doing stuff I wish I could do. I'm tired of it insisting to make my life hell.. I won't allow it too.. I want to have a little bit of control back in my life. Because no healthy eating or excises  will  make my body healthy.  Having such little control affects how I see myself. So I won't let fear hold me back as much now.. I'm not saying I won't ever back down, because i'm pretty sure I will.. But i'm gonna do whatever makes me happy regarding my health. Sorry this was really long. I'm doing much better health wise now, I'm over the shook of how things went, still I have days, but that's just days to do with my mental health. Not much change there! 
Anyway i'm sorry for being super inactive, i'm gonna see if I can at least post some art very soon, i'm nearly done with a persona drawing, so that might be up soon. Thank you for reading up to this point if you did! It means a lot .:F2U:. Pink Pill V2  
- Pinki x 

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PinkiPockets
✧・゚: *The friendly Ghost *:・゚✧
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:iconnovemberlilly:
NovemberLilly Featured By Owner 15 hours ago  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
Thanks for the llama!
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Murashi-Art Featured By Owner Jul 7, 2018   Digital Artist
Thank you so much for the watch! ^_^
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PinkiPockets Featured By Owner 6 days ago
You're very welcome! 
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Ithieldaer Featured By Owner May 27, 2018
Thank you so much for the watch sweetieHeart pastel small 2 It means a lotNeko Emoji-28 (Yay sho happy) [V2] 
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PinkiPockets Featured By Owner Jun 2, 2018
You're very welcome!! You deserve it ~
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