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I've decided to take it upon myself to share with you my childhood memories all the way up until now, I wont go into every single detail seeing as I don't remember it all and I'm going to be giving you little by little, I'm not going to write the whole story down at once. So I have gone so far and at the end I'll write, "To be continued," you will just have to stay tuned to hear more if my life interests you. 

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This story will also come with photo's and other art to give a better visual of what went on in my life and make it more interesting, also so other artists will get featured while I'm doing this. (Keep in mind all featured artists, I don't want to offend you with your photo's or other art being placed in certain parts of this story and if it does please let me know so I can take it down and replace it with something else. ALL of the art that get's posted in this story I've connected with in a big way or I would not have used it.)

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I don't remember much from the age of one to three, I did not start really remembering

anything until four.

Now from then on it comes in moments and blurs, as most people don't remember every aspect and detail of their life.

        Play Me while reading the story       

I remember it just being my mom and me, we had this green trailer house, it was

nice and cozy, just the two of us there. We where happy, we where rich, maybe

not in the same aspect as the normal would call rich.

I remember the crematory across the old dirt road, the nights I spent playing

ghost in the graveyard with friends until way after midnight.

I remember the little log cabin my uncle and moms boyfriend built for me, the

fun times I would have in there, eating my meals, playing little house on the

prairie, the night I had a friend over, his mom and mine told us that we needed to

finish all of our supper before we could go to the fair. We ate everything and all

under the light of a kerosene  lamp.

The fair was a blast, the train ride they had was amazing.

I also remember a little swamp, the days I would sneak out of the house just so I

could go and get as muddy and dirty as I could possibly get, but my mom did not

think the clean up of that was so fun.

I remember one night, after midnight under a full moon, my mom, her boyfriend

and I where out for a late night walk on this old dirt road, we where enjoying the

sound of crickets, frogs and other night creatures when my mom swore that she

heard a bear, we raced back home until our legs where weak and felt like

spaghetti. I don't know if there really was a bear chasing us and I don't think I

 believe it now, if there had been, I can guarantee you we would not have made it

 back home.. but who knows, there could have been and it was not all that hungry to get us.

I also remember the night my mom told me that her boyfriend would be my dad.

All I could gather of that is that I was going to be Cinderella and he was my evil step dad.

But he was not all that bad and all he wanted was to love both of us and take care of us the best that he could.

I remember learning how to ride my bike, it had training wheels of course.

I remember playing cops with cap guns with my cousin, the kind that where really nice and looked like real guns.

I remember a lot of good times and very few bad, that was then and of course we moved to my mom's boyfriends place.

I remember their wedding, it was in a court house and we just had a few close family and friends there, I was the flower girl and ring barer.

It was a nice wedding, their photo was not the best but it's still very special and dear to them.

The photo was taken on the top of a hill, next to the court house. It was a bright,

sunny and warm day. The birds where chipping and the clouds where a perfect white fluffy.

I don't really remember a lot of in between that, but I do remember the old blue

house on this farmstead that we moved to, next to it was a junk yard miles long,

filled with old cars and other treasures that I had spent hours indulging myself in.

I also remember watching the cows, drink their water from the cow pond and

watching the birds fly overhead.

I remember spending hours on the roof of the house, watching this little world,

outside this little town that made no sense to me. It was not to much smaller then

the one I knew, but it was different in a way that the people would actually say hi

to you and help you out when you needed it.

I remember my now step dad taking me out to skip rocks across the road, there

was this pond that stood not to far away from his deceased parents old farmstead,

we would spend hours there skipping rocks and hours searching the house for treasures of his and his siblings.. very interesting toys, not the kind that I knew of but still the kind I wished that I had.

I remember him taking me to fly a kite, telling me all the dangers of flying a kite

and exactly how to do it. That was one of the best moments in my life.

I remember the old body repair shop that his father passed down to him, he would

take my mom and me there and we would spend hours there, there was not

much to do at first, but over time I eventually found things to do. There was an

old trike, I would ride that up town and buy a can of pop for each of us, then the

pops where only 25 cents a piece and I felt so rich walking around with 75 cents.

I remember these neighbor's across the street, they acted as if I was trash,

however I befriended their daughter and we played dress up, dolls and all these

girly things that I had no clue existed.

I don't think the parents much cared for me, however they put up with me

because their daughter took a fancy to me.

I also remember there being this old house, it had been abandoned for years..

however I would take it upon myself to wonder in there every time and find what

I considered to be treasures. There where tons of clothes, books, board games and

little toy soldiers, which I have to admit I enjoyed the toy soldiers most of all.

However I did have a tendency to always go upstairs to this room where a board

game of Monopoly sat out nice and ready to play, it was as if someone was always

expecting me to come back and play the game, the rocking chair next to the

window always rocked, the window was always closed, but there was always a

cool breeze of wind and a image in my head of this elderly lady rocking in the

chair and knitting a blanket, sweater or whatever it would be that day.

I know she was there, I could feel her presents and sometimes we would have

conversations, now as a little girl your mind is open to everything and ghosts being one of them.

I enjoyed that house, it was a tragedy when they tore it down, I had managed to

collect tons of little toys from the house and even the monopoly game before they tore it down.

I played with the soldiers for hours on the shop floor, I'd ride the car lift with my

mom to the very top, freak out when we got there and demand to be let down.

My step dad built me a swing in the back, that was pretty fun.

I met another girl next door, I don't remember her name now or what she looked

like, but I do remember one very scary day, walking into that bright yellow house

of theirs, seeing her mom snort what appeared to be powdered sugar into her

nose, which I later find out in life that was not powdered sugar.

I remember this little girls father always yelling and slapping her around, her

mother too and I remember finally bringing this issue up to my parents what

went on in that house, they had called the cops and that little girl got a better

home, I don't know what happened to all of them, I just hope that girl is alright and the mom is still alive and clean.

I remember how I got my first scar in that old blue house we moved to, playing with household chemicals, pretending they where little humans with the caps being the heads.

One of these chemicals split one drop on my leg, it hurt so bad that I screamed out in pain and my mom rushed in, took me to the sink and rinsed

my leg off, by that time the scar had already formed down my leg, it's about three inches long and a half an inch thick. I still have it until this day.

Now that household cleaning chemical whatever it was is no longer being sold and had been banned since that accident.

I remember trying to play superman and thinking I could fly, I went to the top of the stairs, jumped right off and needless to say the wind got

knocked right out of me and I realized that humans can't really fly like superman.

I remember the day my cousin and I decided that finger painting meant smearing human shit all over the walls, we got our butts spanked for that

and decided that paints might just work better.

One of the best memory's was dancing in the rain with my mom, we washed our hair with white rain shampoo and conditioner in the pouring rain,

that was one of the best showers I ever had.

  (Repeat Process)

They eventually sold the house and we moved again, I guess my mom never sold that old green trailer house and we took that to another little

small town where I had made new friends and was put into a new school, I was the new girl and the coolest thing for about a week, after that

things settled down and I become the nerd, the outcast and the loner, which I did not mind because in the school before that I was the only white

girl in an all native school and that was not cool, I was getting beat up almost every single day and mostly by native boys.

I guess that being an outcast and a loser was better then being noticed and I enjoyed the lack of attention.

I know I had skipped a lot of the story, there was not much to say, it was a horrible time for a child in school to be going threw and all before the third grade.

I don't remember much of that house, just the really super ridiculously long walk down the driveway to the bus, it must have been close to a mile

long and I had picked up a new hobby, well my first hobby I should say. Rock collecting, I used to bring buckets upon buckets of rocks into my

room and my mom would suck them up with a vacuum cleaner every time I forgot to pick one up off the floor and she told me that I was no longer

allowed to keep the rocks in the house and only able to pick a few out that I really loved to keep in my room.

My step dad bought me a rock polisher for one of my birthdays, that sounded like a great idea at the time but I was so impatient that I did not

want to wait for the whole process to take effect and that hobby soon wore off.

We where able to bring that old log cabin to that house, but when we moved again it was in no shape to bring it with us to the next place.. we had to

leave it there and I was very upset but I just hoped that the next family that moved there had a little girl or boy and they would have fun in it just like I did.

Well we got to the new place, yet again another farmstead, these where coming up more often and often and I could not understand why all the

farmstead.. however there where always interesting places to explore in these farmsteads.

Like yet another abandoned house, old barns and plenty of wooded areas.

Aside from all of that, this was the first place that I met my first real best friend, we always road our bikes down this really steep hill, swam in the cow ponds and we even sang Spice Girl songs together, he had a very risky side to him but yet a feminine side as well. I guess I sort of had a crush on him but yet we never went as far as dating, we where great as just friends and that was that.

I even remember having one of my girlfriends over, we where more like sisters then anything, our parents where best friends and so we kind of grew on each other over the years and anyways, we got this crazy idea in our heads that we where brave enough to spend the night in this old abandoned house next to the one I lived in. We packed an overnight bag, sleeping bags and some snacks.. well we chickened out before the whole night was up and never stepped foot in there again.

Eventually we moved again, we seemed to move a lot, but I never had to switch schools. We always kept moving around to different towns that where all basically combined into one in a way.. well this new place that we moved into was where my teenage years began and this is where it gets interesting. I guess life took a little turn, some for the better and some for the worse. This was a old white house we moved into and I swear it was haunted but the yard was very beautiful and there was a ton of land surrounded by trees and farm.. of course it was a farmstead. 

TO BE CONTINUED...

Now I might have blocked out a lot of these memories, for fear of bringing up hurtful memories and hard feelings towards my parents. I'll try the best that I can... let's start easy. I remember there being an old vine archway right before the pathway to the house, the basement was almost all dirt and smelled musty, I also remember there being a chicken coop, little shed, huge garden where my mom spent the majority of her time, a shop, garage and a old tree house that was about ready to take a crap and fall right in, however being me I went up there anyways just to get away and be by myself. Sometimes a person needs to do that.

Mom enjoyed that garden, she spent many of hours out there and she also enjoyed those flowers. Man did I ever hate weeding, that was my job and of course it was the grunt work that I got to do. Also I got to do the mowing of the lawn, dishes and cleaning of the bathroom, I did not care for these jobs but it built character, they where not going to let me get away with no chores now almost being a teenager they figured I'd better start learning how to do things. I am thankful for that, I hated it at the time but it really did do me good.

Before it get's to late in this story and I start talking about things that will completely confuse you, I better mention that I do have a brother, he must have been around six or seven at this time and a little sister who must have been around two or three. As a younger girl, I used to babysit a lot and just going back a little bit there, a memory that I forgot about, one day I decided to be helpful and change my brothers diaper, he's much younger then six or seven at this time and anyways, I get to changing his diaper, take off the diaper and he pees right in my mouth, it was the most discussing thing ever and I vowed to never change a diaper again, of course that's not exactly panning out, I'm still doing that every single day, but that's later on in the story. 

My brother and I used to fight a lot, of course sibling rivalry. He once shot me in the foot with a BB gun and I shot him right back in the butt, once he dropped a full can of pop on my head because I would not give up the t.v. and so I chased after him, picked up a metal baseball bat and threw it right at him, it just missed him and landed in the pool. That was a good thing, I can't imagine what would have happened had I actually hit him. Yeah we used to get into it pretty bad, but no matter what if one of us needed help with something, the other was there to help without a question. My sister was the sweet one, the good one.. she never got into trouble and was always the sweet heart in the bunch. Of course she was young and yet to rebel, oh and when she got older rebel she did, not as bad as a lot of teens do but that's also later on and I can't tell you much about it anyways.

I remember my aunt and her three kids, which would be all my first cousins moving in with us, well not necessarily in with us because they had their own house... a trailer house which they just moved on the property, that was interesting. My mom and her sister fought a lot, sometimes it got so bad the cops got involved and our parents all had a tendency to drink a little to much, get worked up and fight, sometimes it was not just arguing it was actually physically fighting and that scared the crap out of us kids. I remember my step dad tossing my aunt over a yard table outside, my mom breaking dishes and screaming at the top of her lungs over all the things that did not get done, her falling on the shards of broken glass and getting cut up really bad, my step dad and her threatening to divorce each-other and always fighting in front of my brother and sister, of course I had to take them upstairs in attempt to get them away from the fighting. Things started getting bad when the alcohol got involved, it seemed that no one was safe from the violence, screaming and arguing. 

Our lives seemed to be crashing down and falling apart and hard, there was nothing that I could do but to try and talk some sense into them but that's when I started to take the beatings, my step dad was not exactly himself once he started drinking, I thankfully got the worst end of it and my siblings come out unharmed at least as long as I was around. I blocked a lot of this out, I don't know when it stopped but I do remember going to friends house's more often, trying to spend less and less time with the family.

I remember becoming suicidal at this point, not knowing what to do and who to turn to, I turned to pot and I got high every single day, I'd start skipping class's, my grades dropped and I started secluding my friends from my life too. It seemed the only ones I could turn to where the ones that where only trying to feed me drugs to keep me numb from the pain, sure it worked for the time being but the pain would always be there still and it was never a true escape. 

I remember one of my friends trying to get me to quit smoking pot, he swayed me into smoking cigarettes instead, telling me they are legal for you and you get the same high as you would smoking pot, if only that would have lasted.. of course it did not last, he did manage to get me to quit smoking pot for a while and go to cigarettes, I wish he never did that.. I'm still smoking the bloody things and can't seem to quit. So boy's and girls, if you are ever thinking about picking up a disgusting cigarette DON'T do it because chances are you will never stop. I had to learn the hard way and I'm still trying to quit.. well once and a while.

Then I stopped caring what people thought of me, I did not want to fit in, I wanted to rebel, stick it to the man, piss my parents off to no end, sneak out of the house, break curfew.. not that I really was allowed to go out after they found out I picked up smoking. But one day I did get to go to the fair with a couple of the naughty kids from school, we had a blast and met some really cute bad boys there too.. one of them I was really attracted to, we ended up going on the tilt a wheral together a few times and when the fair was over.. well I never thought I'd never see him again and that would be that, but it was not over.. he found out where I went to school and he found out what bus I took home and one day he followed that bus back to my place, I get off the bus and here he is in his red lumina with a dozen roses, so no worries it was not a stalker deal.. or at least not in a to creepy way. It was kind of sweet, I was shocked and my mom was even more shocked, not exactly in a happy way either, considering I was only seventeen and he was twenty four.

In a way you could say that he was my savior, I started to care again, I started to shape up and get my grades up, aside from day dreaming about him all the time and wanting to be with him every single waking moment of the day. He was my first love, my first for a lot of things, but that is later on down the road. My mom eventually started to like him, he was making a change in me for the better so of course what else could she do but to like him and be glad that he was in my life to do so, I even quit smoking cigarettes for a while. Well she was ecstatic about that and even let him start to spend the night at our house.. at least on weekends. Yeah we where a cute couple, we would talk on the phone every night, write each other love letters and talk about a future together. It seemed that our love would never die and we would be together forever.

Sorry folks... TO BE CONTINUED...