Broken

To the young girl in the office building bathroom silently crying to herself because she can’t handle the pain anymore. Holding on to the liquid cleaner that would end it all if she would just chug it but is too scared to, too afraid to call for help, too afraid to talk to someone about the pain. Praying for someone to walk through the bathroom door and ask if she’s okay. But nobody comes, because everyone but her has gone home for the day.

 The girl who sits there clutching onto the bottle of cleaner thinking “Am I really going to do this? Is this what I really want? What’s the point in living anyway?” her heart racing with every passing moment trying to decide, life or death?  But then comes to her senses and throws the bottle to the other side of the bathroom. She throws it so hard it gets stuck under the fancy sink and finishes cleaning while crying to herself “I can’t. I can’t do it. I don’t want to die…” she would mutter to herself over and over again just to help get her mind right again.  Shortly after that she goes on with her live.

You might be wondering who the girl I’m talking about is… well as you might have already guessed it’s me. Nineteen year old me as a matter of fact. See I was going through something really heavy and I had a real hard time trying to cope with a lot of things that were going on in my life at the time. I was too scared to talk about it with anyone because I had pushed everyone one away by that point because of something I was doing and looking back I wasn’t really good to myself or anyone for that matter and I knew it but I was scared to move on. At the time I didn’t see a way out and I really was going to drink that cleaner. But something inside me told me to stop.

 I remember thinking. “What about all of the people I leave behind? They’ll be sad I’m sure of it.”   

I kept thinking about that the whole time I held that bottle. I was trying so hard to snap myself out of the depression that I had put myself in. The hold I had on that bottle got tighter and tighter with every passing moment.  Seconds felt like minutes and minutes felt like hours.  I can’t remember how long I sat there but when I finally came to my senses I just had to get out of that bathroom and I’m glad I did. Six years later and I’m doing better than I ever thought possible. I moved out and I’m financially stable and with someone who truly loves me. That’s something my younger self never thought I could ever achieve. I know it’s not much to others but it’s a big thing for me considering the dark place I was in at that time.

Why am I making this post you ask? Will just the other day my friend had asked me. “What would you say to your younger self?”

And this is what came to mind.

“I know you’re in a lot of pain right now but I just want you to know that it’ll get better. It may not seem like it right now but it does. You’ll get the life you want, the love of your live and a better way of living. It just takes a little time and work to get there. It’s okay to hurt and it’s okay to let others in on how much you’re hurting. You don’t have to take on the pain alone. You just have to get through it and I know you will because I’m here now. You are strong; you just don’t know it yet. You are loved and don’t you forget it.”

Depression and suicide are serious things that happen to everyone and can be prevented. Never be afraid to ask for help. Please if you need help call a friend, family member you trust or ever the number blow. Because no one should ever have to shoulder the pain alone like I did. You are loved and I hope you find your peace.  

 
Suicide hotline 1-800-273-8255

If you’re still reading this, thank you. I know that a lot of people aren’t really going to see or it may not seem like much because I left a lot of personal details about as to why I was in such a sad state. But I do greatly appreciate from the bottom of my heart for letting me tell my story. Be safe out there. 

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