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rambling(slight vent??) by Perma-Fox rambling(slight vent??) by Perma-Fox
I know this is late but I kinda wanted to express this strange and negative feeling I been having since yesterday and it's still bothering me. It's like my mind is telling that this isn't the body and the label we wanted on ourselves in the world we live in. It's like I'm slowly starting to hate this appearance of a body I have, day by day.... I'm starting to have these thoughts I just want to block out but I just can't, I'll just end up being static with my headphones blasting off these depressing music I found myself. It's like telling me I must change my identity of a female into a male, starting by cutting my hair just like a hairstyle of a male, start wearing baggy clothes to hardly even tell I'm a female but to identify as a male and I think that'll make me smile for a day.


I kinda been having this feeling since my year of 2016, I have always thought to myself whenever I had that feeling popping in my mind just “Maybe I'm just a boy stuck in a girl body”. I remember how I like to pretend to be a boy in my favorite game of Animal Jam where I just dress and design my character looking like a male, just playing normal and just going into the pillow room just see what reaction I'll get, nothing but wanting to be friends or want to be their boyfriend. I like it how I acted like a loving lover to the random girl that ask me, all I did with her was doing to each other dens, hanging out and going to the arcade where I got a wolf plushie for her. I kinda like that but I feel bad how I don't even play animal jam in a long time, while she is probably doesn't care or does care and I deeply apologise for that if you girl seem to be happening to read this.


Other than animal jam, a few remember how I use to have a male fursona named “Ivan” he was apparently my fursona to represent me as like a boy side of me since I lost connection with Faith and by the feeling I had too. He is a brown fennec fox with yellow eyes and a blue bandana. I love how he came out and actually drew him more often than I did with Faith. He was my fursona for awhile but I end up reconnecting with Faith due to a redesign I did with her. But now I don't think I'll ever get a redesign I'll ever be satisfied with. It's like I don't know if it is her design is slightly complex or too bland, the color I choose for her or if it's by her gender identity. Cause like no matter how much I try to get a redesign out of her I'll just end up attempting to redesign her next year or soon in months. I feel like she doesn't represent me anymore and feel like Ivan would represent me much more better than faith did.


But the thing is, will the people I have been with will love and care for me no matter what? Even by the fact I just want to be a boy and no longer the girl they knew me as..? Maybe they'll just push me away cause I turn into a freak and a weirdo that nobody will ever want to be with. Maybe they'll just be so hateful and blame me for the shit that I didn't even try to cause. Maybe they'll just try to change my mind when I know it will just keep on getting worse and worse over time. But I mostly worry about my family and my parents,I feel like they'll just disown me as a freak and probably don't want to consider me as their child. Probably even mentally abusive to jack up my mind even more.


I never even act like a girl ever since 6th grade, I have hairy arms and even have hair on my chest and around my belly button, I hate dresses and skirts or even anything that is related to being a girl, I wear clothes that are bland looking and even baggy ones since it hides my breast, I act nasty like a boy would, don't really have the mind of a girl, I just watch shows that aren't related to girl stuff, hardly ever had female friend but would Mostly have male friend to talk and hangout with, I sometimes speak their languages and even by the fact I just hated every single downside of being a damn girl. I even wish I just stop being a girl because it's so unfair but at the same time it's like for the best but I still fucking hate that it's unfair.


So I guess this is just some rambling and slight vent about myself but if you just want to stop being with me I guess I won't stop you but if you still want to be with me I be surprised.
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:iconcurtistheguardian:
CurtisTheGuardian Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
Boy, girl... I don’t think it really matters... I struggle with a similar thing, but I don’t want you to suffer from it...
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:iconperma-fox:
Perma-Fox Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know you don't want me to but I'm trying to not to but it's kinda more difficult than it was before
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:iconcurtistheguardian:
CurtisTheGuardian Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
QAQ I just don't want you to turn into a big mess like I did...
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:iconperma-fox:
Perma-Fox Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I know I know but I don't know how to do this :')
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:iconcurtistheguardian:
CurtisTheGuardian Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
;~; I'm no help... Why am I even trying...
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:iconperma-fox:
Perma-Fox Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Your trying because your showing your concern which shows you do care about me and that is enough for me <3
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:iconcurtistheguardian:
CurtisTheGuardian Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
;-; It doesn't feel like I'm Doing enough..
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:iconperma-fox:
Perma-Fox Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Just try to do your best or try to learn how to love yourself so you know how to help others uwu
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(1 Reply)
:iconpoppywolfmoon:
PoppyWolfMoon Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Well, if you need that sorted out, maybe try talking to someone who knows this identity issue, I'm not a good advice giver so this is all I can give honestly.

I hope this issue would solve for you, honestly reading that is pretty wrenching.
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:iconperma-fox:
Perma-Fox Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
Yeah I think I will try to find someone who knows about identity issue but I might end up having to be with a therapist since my mind is starting to get out of control but I thank you for your support and awareness QuQ <3
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:iconshadowslyxcvii:
ShadowSlyXCVII Featured By Owner Edited Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
I just think your a tomboy spiritually. i know this sounds abit off but i really don't mind it myself. I maybe a girl but i like to do boy stuff like play video games, etc. i do like to get my nails painted every now and then, but mostly i like being myself. I almost said "like" twice when i was writing this comment. I don't talk like a girl though. Lastly most of my characters are male.

But... you don't need to suffer from this. I was just saying this not only to try to help you but at least try to complement about who you are as a person to try and make you feel better.
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:iconperma-fox:
Perma-Fox Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I mean I'm trying not to but it's pretty much pulling me in with force than it was before tbh. but I could try to but I'll doubt it honestly aaa
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:iconshadowslyxcvii:
ShadowSlyXCVII Featured By Owner Jul 18, 2018  Hobbyist General Artist
damn. I don't know what to say except, try to resist it as much as you can.
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