Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Stupidity

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Literature Text

(This story is preserved as it was originally written. As such, spelling and grammar errors, as well as typos, are left alone)

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, faw away...

CD-I Link: sure is boring around here...

The King: My boy, this peace is what all true warriors strive for!

CD-I Link: I just wonder what Ganon's up to...

Suddently, Gwonam flew in on his magic carpet to tell them an important message.

Gwonam: Your magesty...this is supposed to be a story based on Ocarina of Time, not The Faces of Evil

The King: How can we help?

Gwonam: It is written; only a guy sitting in front of a desk can start this story

Suddenly, the camera pans over, showing Mario sitting at a desk with an old microphone on it along with some miscellaneous papers.

Mario: ...And now for something completely different

Even more suddently, the scene cuts to Kokiri Forest, inside the house of Link, who is destened for greatness because he's the boy without a fairy; something abnormal for the children of this village. Link has been having the same dream for the past few nights...

In this dream, he went to school in Hello Kitty underwear, and later, he saw a princess being taken away from the castle by one really tough-looking woman driving the Batmobile as they where chased by an evil-looking man in a black Ford Mustang tricked out with spinners, a hydrolics system, TVs in it's headlights, a camera in it's air filter, a powerful stereo system, and a diamond gear shift.

Meanwhile, with the Great Pine Tree...

The Great Pine Tree was speaking to the fairy, Navi, about the dreams he has been having lately.

Great Pine Tree: Navi, I believe it's time for the boy without a fairy to begin his quest to save Hyrule...Now go to him

Then, Navi began to fly high again as she went to Link's hose to wake him up. Within seconds, she arrived, and attempted to wake him up.

Navi: Hello, Link! The Great Pine Tree wishes to speal with you!

Link: Go away...

Navi: Wake up! Can we really depend on such a lazy boy?

Link: I don't want to catch 'em all!


Shortly after, Link woke up, noticing a fairy.

Link: What are you doing here?

Navi: The Great Pine Tree wishes to see you, so come with me!

Link: Ok!

Then Link jumps out of bed, runs out th door of his house, and jumps down from the balcony, landing perfectly on his feet as he began to run towards the Great Pine Tree's Meadow. However, he was stopped by Mido, who was guarding the path.

Mido: Halt! You shall not see the Deku Tree without at least having a sword and shield!

Link: ...And how, exactly, am I suppose to obtain these required items?

Mido: I don't know...maybe a sword is in a treasure chest that's hidden in a secret area of the forest beyond a hole in the wall barely big enough to crawl through?

Link: What is this; a video game? There's no way someone would hide a sword in that location!

Mido: I think you should check it out. As for a shield, you're on your own...

Link then runs off towards the only hole in the wall he knows of; one with a sign above it saying "DO NOT ENTER". Ignoring the warning, he crawls through the hole and into the secret area of the forest...

Once on the other side, Link saw a tiny rope bridge hanging over a deep pit with a sign that said "You probably regret entering this place now, right?". Carefully, he made his away across the narrow bridge, eventually reaching the other side where he found a treasure chest with a sticker on it that had "Sword Inside" printed inside a swirl. He opened the chest, finding none other than the Kokiri Sword inside. Inspecting the blade, he noticed that it had "All Toasters Toast Toast" engraved in it.

All that's left to do is find a shield! Link though.

As he began to leave, he got the bright idea to cut the bridge with his new sword...only to realise he had no way to get back across since he just foolishly broke the bridge.

Navi: Hey stupid-I mean, Link! How do you think we're going to get out of here now?

Looking around, Link found a whip on the ground, and noticed a low-hanging tree branch half-way across the pit, and worked out a plan involving the two.

Link: You know what they say; where there's a whip, there's a way!

Picking up the whip, he proceeded to use it as a makeshift grappling hook to cross the gap with ease...unfortunately, he dropped the whip down the pit when he landed.

Navi: Why did you drop that? It could have been useful later in your journey!

Link: I'll find something else that will work when needed

If the fate of Hyrule rests in the hands of this idiot, we're doomed! Navi though.

Link then crawled back through the hole; returning to the main part of the forest. He then went to the local shop, where, conviently, they had a shield on sale at the low price of 40 rupees.

Link: How am I supposed to earn that much money?

Navi: Try running through thick grass

Link: Ok!

He then leaves the store, finds some tall grass, and runs through it. After picking up some hidden rupees, he encounters a wild level 3 Pidgey, though seeing as he doesn't have any Pokemon to use in battle against it, he ran away from it.

Link: So far I have...40 rupees? That was fast

Navi: You'll find that rupees are painfully common. Don't be surprised when your wallet is full

With enough money in hand, he ran back to the shop.

Shopkeeper: What are you buying?

Link: That wooden shield to your right

Shopkeeper: That will be 40 rupees

Link then hands over the money, as the shopkeeper takes down the shield and hands it to the customer.

Shopkeeper: Come back anytime

Link then leaves the store and heads towards the Great Pine Tree's meadow; sword and shield equipped and ready...

As he proceeded to the entrance, he was once again stopped by Mido because it would be too simple if he wasn't standing in the way.

Mido: You can't pass unless you have a...sword and shield? I can't believe you actually managed to obtain the right equipment. Anyway, you can pass...

As Mido stepped out of the way, Link began to walk through the grassy road leading to the meadow. About 1\4 down the road, Link encountered a pot filled with plastic flowers, and proceeded to panic

Link: Oh crap! I don't want to die!

Navi: It's just plastic flowers; they can't hurt you

Link: ...But that story I read about a man traveling through time in something called a "police box" says otherwise!

Navi: I'd proceed to facepalm if I had hands...

Link: What am I supposed to do?

Navi: Use your sword, idiot!

Link: Oh yeah; I do have a sword...

He then got out his sword and cut the plastic flowers into little bits with no effort at all.

Navi: See? It was nothing to worry about

Link: Now let's go see the Great Pine Tree!

They then continued down the path, when they reached the meadow of the Great Pine Tree, who was much, much bigger than any pine tree Link had ever seen.

Great Pine Tree: You've arrived, Link...I have something to tell you of upmost importance; I am cursed.

Link: to explain how this happened?

Great Pine Tree: An evil man driving a black Ford Mustang tricked out with spinners, a hydrolics system, TVs in it's headlights, a camera in it's air filter, a powerful stereo system, and a diamond gear shiff came and placed this curse on me for not giving him my copy of Pokemon Emerald.

Link: What am I needed for?

Great Pine Tree: Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to go inside me and destroy the source of the curse; a copy of Barney's Hide & Seek Game

Link: This sounds fun! I'll do it!

Great Pine Tree: Than enter, Link. You too, Navi, for he might need your help...

Then a section of the base slid open, as Link slowly walked inside with a look of amazement on his face.

Link: Cool...doors that go "whoosh"

Once inside, he noticed that it was multiple levels high. Noticing a giant,. strangly durable spider web over a giant hole in the floor, he gets the bright idea to climb all the way to the top and jump down to it. Slowly he climbed up the vine-covered walls of the tree, making it way to the top with ease.

Navi: Are you crazy!? You're going to get yourself killed doing this!


He then jumps off the edge, curls up into a ball, and slams down into the spider web with great force; breaking it  as he contined down into the pool of water below. Surprised he was still alive after that, Navi consolted him.

Navi: How did you know a cannonball dive would destory the web?

Link: I though I was going to bounce off it. Anyway, let's do that again!

Before Navi could say anything, Link was already back on the highest level of the tree, and proceeded to do another cannonball into the pool in the lowest level.

Navi: Can we get back to the mission at hand?

Link: Ok...

Across the pool of water, a copy of Barney's Hide & Seek was inside a glass case. Picking up the conviently-placed slingshot and seeds, he proceeded to fire awat at the glass case, shattering it and destroying the cursed object with ease. Immedietly, he was teleported back outside, and was greeted by the Great Pine Tree.

Great Pine Tree: Thank you Link...though it didn't have much effect; I was doomed before you even got out of bed. You see, that evil man forced me to watch every single episode of The Brady Bunch in one sitting, seeling my fate instantly. Before I die, I have other important things to tell you...

[Super Important Plot Explaining Scene beginning...]
The evil man in a black Ford Mustang tricked out with spinners, a hydrolics system, TVs in it's headlights, a camera in it's air filter, a powerful stereo system, and a diamond gear shift is believed to be on a mission to obtail the 3 Sacred Game Paks, allowing him to enter the Sacred Realm and steal the legendary Triforce so he can rule the land...Now to explain that

The Triforce is a legendary 3-piece triangle; the botton left piece being gold, the bottom right piece being silver, and the top piece being a blue crystal. If one who is pure of heart obtains it, than Hyrule will enter a peaceful age, while if someone who is evil obtains it, than it will bring forth great destruction.
[End of plot explination]

Great Pine Tree: With that out of the way, I'll now join that parrot from Monty Python

Shortly after, the tree died. Anti-clamatic, isn't it?
Digging through my folder of canceled stories, I found this little gem, and decided to share it in all its stupidity, since my dA isn't really as active as it should be.

This was originally intended to be a (poorly written) parody of The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, but it ended right after the Deku Tree due to lack of interest in continuing it. To be honest, I forgot I wrote this until I found it in my folder.
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