OK, so let’s say that eventually, some day, you will have sorted out most of your emotional and mental issues, you have your own place, and a job. That is the baseline for your contentment in life. If you achieve those three things, you can find some way to be content with your life and maybe everything else will fall into place. But if you DO NOT do at least the FIRST thing, which is sort yourself out, then everything you touch will turn to dust. Everything you pursue will fail because you will carry your past hurt and emotional issues into everything that you do, and we have seen evidence of this time and time again with college, Pre-Mil, and AmeriCorps NCCC. Only with substantial support from friends will it work, and they will eventually grow tired of your troubles and shit and leave you.
What are the primary things holding you back every day?
Anxiety: You get your anxiety out of constantly being afraid of what others think, and the prospect of never getting away. Yet you trap yourself by focusing on this anxiety.
Low energy: You have low energy. Probably from not getting enough sleep, and not exercising persistently. You also may have mental energy being drained from you every day from things you are not even aware of. Perhaps from surfing Reddit or watching YouTube. Until you complete two certifications on FreeCodeCamp, you should consider restricting YouTube usage to breakfast time and refrain from forums and online message boards. Focus solely on your immediate world and surroundings. You can’t be better than every man in the world, and you can’t save it or destroy it, either. So tend to the things within your own world before they drag you back down.
Distractions: Plays into what we discussed about low energy. Stop worrying about what other people are doing and saying, and focus on your own issues and goals. Another thing that you can do is at least be more present. Even if you cannot let go of bitterness and anger and cannot simplify your life, you can at least train yourself to live moment-to-moment, and set aside special times for reflection. This way, instead of worrying about things such as, jury duty or, how long it will take for you to become a good programmer, it is just you, and the program. And before you know it, you will have your certifications. So as long as you stop worrying about the future and focus on writing the program.
Sense of being trapped: You need space. That sense of entrapment that you have from home lingers with you wherever you go. It does not matter how far from home you go, because you will always carry the spirit of it with you, unless you abolish it. Look around you. You may not be able to fix this entire house, but you can at least work to take control over the room you spend time in. You’re not going to be able to hold it together long enough nor well-enough to make any substantial progress in your career path or at any job if you’re constantly feeling trapped and anxious, and you can fix that by starting with your immediate surroundings.
You cleaned the dresser, so that is a good start. Now you just need to take it further. The ultimate goal is to at least move the double-recliner or broken twin bed out of the room so that you have enough room to do your calisthenics so you can begin taking physical care of yourself even at home. If you can do that, you can take care of yourself anywhere.
What do you need to be to get yourself out of this situation?
Create the affirmation. Analyze why you are not any of these things, accept it, and then repeat them three times every morning as soon as you wake up, and every night before bed.
I am assertive. Fair, but not to be trifled with. I cut down no one but will stand up to anyone.
I am courageous. Even in the face of uncertainty, vast opposition and countless obstacles, I persevere like a soldier, a commander leading his squadron.
I am competitive. When I play the game of life, I do not slack or lie down while others toil away.
I am humble, for I am flawed and human, and do not know everything, and can learn from even the worst.
I am disciplined. For I have been trained by some of the best, and must rely on my self, first. For my habits and trappings can be my enslaver.
I am focused, awake in the underworld. For sleeping can lead to rolling into Hell. I must be vigilant of what may distract and tempt me, and continue to search for the light.
I am frugal. I live within my means, and understand that obsession over a world of things can too be my enslaver. My home is proof of that.
Every morning and every night, reflect on why you are not these things, accept it, and vow to do better, and repeat this affirmation three times.
Ask the Buddhist about living in the moment.