It's really odd. When I first activated my DA account, I had been exploring DA for a little time without an account. I couldn't see much of the erotica here, obviously, without an account of my own. In an odd way, my account here--especially in the early days of my account--was a means for me to explore ideas of myself and my sexuality, and to discuss what others thought of their own.
I thought I was so insightful into the nature of human beings. And I suppose, compared to many, I was. But there was so much, even as I grew to know myself better, that I did not know. It wasn't just not knowing the answer to a question, it was not knowing the question to ask AFTER answering a question I had yet to discover--many layers deep.
For example, growing up, I had traditionally thought of myself as purely heterosexual. In the early days of my account, I was exploring the fact that I had recently admitted to myself an attraction to--we'll say, an appreciation of--females. But I interpreted my sexual fantasies about females as--mostly--a desire to BE the females I saw in the art here. (Or rather, my desire to "be" something that I saw in them, or the like.) Looking back, I don't think that was terribly inaccurate, but it was a wholly inadequate understanding of myself.
But there's so much more that I've learned of myself, even in just the past five years. As much as I liked looking at females on this site, I always imagined myself marrying a guy. And I like guys, and have had a small number of boyfriends over the past years. But more and more, I think I realize that I'm bisexual, but much closer to being a lesbian. I mean, I would say that I liked girls, I admitted that. But I wouldn't ever act on those fantasies.
I used to think I wanted to marry "just the right one." And when I thought I met him, he not only broke my heart, but did so maliciously. I have since healed from those injuries, moved on, and have forgiven him. (Though I do not maintain contact, since he's never admitted to doing anything wrong.)
But recently, I seem to like the idea of multiple partners. I'd always fantasized about being a "slut" of sorts: a girl that had many sexual partners. I didn't want to use sex to get things from people. I always resented girls that had sex so they could be lazy and live off of guys buying them things. And I've always resented people using each other for pleasure and then breaking each other's hearts. So I never thought to actually act on my desires to have many sexual partners, because I didn't want to "use people." But I still really wanted to be that slut of a girl.
Early on in my time on DA, I used online forums to express a version of myself that I was trying to be in real life, but found much easier to be online. But even at my boldest, (and I was never exactly shy,) I felt like if I manifested certain ways of living (being a "slut" for example,) that it would make me inherently a bad person, and unworthy of my maker.
And I am using sex as an example, because it's the most obvious, easiest to point at issue. There were many other hidden desires, such as wanting to have money and power. I always felt that I should only want power if I am willing to help people with it, otherwise, I felt guilty for seeking power. I still want to help people, because it gives me satisfaction. But the subtle difference is that I feel like it's okay to want power, and when I get it, I will enjoy using it to help others.
Funny thing about unconditional love, is it truly has no condition. As I have explored my spiritual self, and opened myself up more to God--not "God" as envisioned by most dogmatic religious people, rather God directly, without reservation or expectation--as I have opened up more to God, I have realized that I am already this person that I had fantasized about being...and I love myself. I find that I feel worthy of love. And I feel loved by God.
I am sort of a slut after all. (If I can use that term.) I have a female friend who's going to visit me, expressly to give me my first real-life lesbian experience. And I am not ashamed, and I cannot wait! And it's not just about sex. It's about the fact that I am learning to give myself freely to people. To open up to people in real life (not just online,) about who and what I really am, without feeling guilty.
In ways that I wasn't even aware to question in the past, I find that I love myself, (even when I disappoint myself.) And with that, I love everyone else. Even really horrible people--I mean, sure, I get angry with them, but I love them nevertheless.
So here are a few things that I either wanted to be, or was not willing to admit that I was 15 years ago, that I fully embrace and admit to now:
1 - A lesbian-leaning bisexual.
2 - A girl who will never be monogamous.
3 - Am willing to impose my will upon others.
4 - Spiritual nonconformist (Don't really have a good name for this, but I believe in Jesus, I don't believe in the mainstream Christian Church, I am also a Buddhist, and practice earth magics of sorts.)
5 - I hate our society. (I used to be a supporter of it's structures.)
6 - I still have hope and faith in humanity's potential
7 - A nudist/naturist. (I admitted this years ago, but I am acting on it more.)
8 - An exhibitionist. (I recently started stripping for a few of my friends, it's been great. I get off on them getting off on me.)
9 - I fucking love to fucking swear and I love a foul mouth god damnit! (Although swearing every other word looses the effect--becomes pointless)
10 - I like marijuana. And I like being drunk.
11 - I love smoking cigars, and I think other girls smoking cigars is fucking sexy.
12 - I have sucked cock, once and I loved the taste. I wanna get good at oral sex on both genders. Like, I want my oral skills to become a point of pride.
13 - I've no longer ashamed that my places is always a mess. (I always felt guilty because girl's arn't supposed to be messy.) I still want to get better at keeping it cleaned up, but for now, I am not ashamed of being messy any more.
14 - I like big and medium dicks
15 - I like tits of all sizes. (I used to think I only liked big boobs, but I like tiny ones too. I made out with this girl that was thin and had the tiniest titties, and she was so hot. I got so wet.)
16 - I still wanna be a mom. (I have always felt guilty about both fantasizing about being a slut, and yet wanting to be a mom.)
17 - I don't want my own kids. I want to adopt orphans. And I no longer feel guilty about not wanting my own kids.
18 - I like money. (I learned to distrust my desire for money from certain church people, and also since I hate society, it seems odd to like money.)
19 - I want lovers who will also make love to each other, not just to me. (I guess I sort of want an orgy of close friends.)
I don't really have a point, but if you've read this far, I suppose I must reiterate my hypothesis from years ago, when I first activated this account: We are all worthy of love, we are all children of God. Do not judge and condemn others, for in the process you will do the same to yourself. Love yourself WITHOUT CONDITION, and love others WITHOUT CONDITION. (This doesn't mean excuse abuse, or permit wrongdoing, but love people past their flaws.) And with practice, it will deepen, and lead to the greatest of freedoms.
I will also say that even though some of my negative attitudes were learned from my parents, as I have come out and admitted these and other things of them, they've only ever been loving and supportive. Even as an adult, that has been very important to me.
I am not in the easiest point of my life. But I am the happiest with myself I have ever been. I've always struggled not to be an arrogant, egotistical, narcissistic bitch. It was always especially hard not to be arrogant. I am still a bitch, and I am still egotostical and arrogant. But yet, recognizing these facts, and embracing unconditional compassion, I don't have to struggle so hard to push back arrogance. The compassion for others fed my compassion for myself, and vice-versa. One couldn't be possible without the other.
I'm still a bitch, and now I can call myself a slut. The difference is, 15 years ago, I was struggling to not condemn myself in my subconscious for my secret thoughts and desires. Now I can embrace them, and be truly content. The secret to the freedom was unconditional compassion for both everyone else, and myself.