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About Varied / Hobbyist Siara Hughes25/Female/United States Groups :iconstylized-animals: Stylized-Animals
 
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OnTheMountainTop
Siara Hughes
Artist | Hobbyist | Varied
United States
"If you don't try, you fail by default"

Commissions - Open by SweetDuke Point Commissions - Ask Me by SweetDuke Trades - Ask Me by SweetDuke Requests - Friends Only by SweetDuke

My name is Siara, but online most people call me Dizzy. I was born 1994, I’m female, and I live in Washington State. I like cats.

I was studying at Cornish College of the Arts, now I'm not quite sure what I'm doing, right now I'm biding my time to get back on my feet after an over a year long hassle against UC, chronic anemia, and autoimmune arthritis.

I self diagnosed with Aspergers (which if you want to get technical is a subset of Autistic Spectrum Disorder). The way my mind is affects the way I see the world around me, and has a big affect on my creative thought process.

I love to tell stories, so most of my art is story driven.

I also like cats, did I mention I like cats?

Tumblr: on-the-mountain-top.tumblr.com…
Picarto: picarto.tv/OnTheMountainTop
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Twitter: twitter.com/OnDaMountainTop
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Happy New Year everyone. I know that this account has been collecting dust as of late and I thought it deserved a little attention and perhaps a journal about how I've been.

The short answer to the question of "how has Dizzy been feeling lately" is "absolutely awful, but hopeful things in the new year will improve". The long answer is optional, and if you'd rather not read it all and you just want to know when the next Beached chapter will be posted, I suppose I should admit that Beached will be on hiatus indefinitely. I may pick it up again at some point in the future, but I can't kid myself that I have energy and muse at the moment to put towards it.

The truth of the moment is that I'm a very lonely person in my offline life. I barely get out of the house and I don't keep in face to face contact with any of my friends (though one's coming to visit rather soon, so don't feel too bad for me). Writing has thus morphed into a more communal activity for me and collaborative projects are giving me greater fulfillment. At the moment, I'm happier writing collaboratively than I am writing alone, so I will be focusing my attention on what makes me happy, as 2017 and 2018 were extremely rough years for me.

To recap those two devastating years, my colitis developed into enteropathic arthritis starting early Summer 2017 right after getting home from Cornish. The progression may have been from the stress I went through of being anemic and exhausted while juggling a full load of courses, but it was extremely startling one day to be walking down the local waterfront and suddenly realize my knees were stiff and I was struggling to keep pace with my family begging them to slow down and let me catch up. It's only gotten worse from there. The arthritis has spread from my knees and it now affects my ankles, my feet, my wrists, elbows, and hands, and my hips and shoulders to a degree as well. I slowed down, my steps became shaky, I experienced a few falls and began walking with a cane to steady myself. As someone who always to great pleasure in zipping around at an aggressively fast walking pace, it's been a great frustration to lose the ability to walk freely and unhindered by stiffness, unsteadiness and pain.

I can no longer leave the house without help and I now have a disabled parking permit and a wheelchair that make venturing out with the assistance of my family possible. My wheelchair made it possible to manage navigating the airport when my family visited the extended clan in California at the start of end of November. I don't know how I would have survived the trip without it. I do feel somewhat foolish that I need the wheelchair when I'm technically able to walk, just slowly and painfully. The wheelchair is inconvenient for my family, especially my mother who is over 50 and has a hard time getting it in and out of the back of the SUV. I've tried to go without it, but going without the chair turns simple errands into a painful exhausting ordeal.

There are some days when I can barely walk around the house itself without my knees and feet putting up an undue amount of fuss. Even on "good" days, my joints click so loudly coming when I have to do stairs that one would be forgiven for thinking the stairwell was infested with crickets. I'm also so very exhausted much of the time, and there's days when simply standing to attempt a simple chore leaves me breathing hard.

With the pain and fatigue I've been dealing with, I haven't been able to get my home life in order either. My room is still not organized since moving back in from school, though my family is finally helping me make some progress on the nightmare it's become in preparation for the aforementioned friend's visit.

All if this really wouldn't be so bad if I felt good emotionally. Loss of health certainly sucks, but it would be manageable with high spirits. Unfortunately, that's not been the case over the past two years. Starting in early 2017, I was experiencing a situation in which people I knew were behaving in upsetting ways towards me, and it escalated that summer into emotionally abusive behavior. Throughout the experience, I was put in the position of believing that I was the problem in the relationship. I was definitely naive and unequipped to engage the situation with social confidence and competence, but in retrospect, that didn't warrant the kind of treatment I was receiving. I was being suspected of being manipulative and dishonest, called "passive-aggressive", "combative", and "domineering", accused of self-centered focus, told I was "inventing vendettas in my head" against me, reprimanded for accidentally offending people, and subsequently told I needed to move on when I brought up how hurt I was feeling. In retrospect, it was an extremely toxic situation for me to be in, but I put up with it and I kept apologizing for things that were never my fault because my own sense of guilt and the insistence of others tricked me into thinking I was to blame.

I'm away from that situation now, and I'm doing better, but the experience still haunts me and there are certain subjects and various otherwise benign topics I have to avoid to keep from sparking traumatic memories, which have at times left me hyperventilating and struggling to hold it together. I suffered with some social anxieties prior, but I was starting to overcome them before the situation escalated, and it's been quite the set-back.

Additionally I also have worked as an Administrator for the ARPG DracoStryx continually for over two years and while the job has been extremely rewarding, it's also been stressful at various times, sometimes intently so. As I've mentioned previously, as well, my beloved dog Casey passed in October while my parents were out of town after a month of severely declining health and I was solely responsible for making the call of when to take her to the vet to end her suffering.

All of this and other matters which I'd rather not mention publicly have left me going through quite a bit. Some days takes significant effort to crawl out of bed due to physical pain and emotional numbness.

At the moment, I'm just trying to find ways to survive the struggle, free myself from the perpetual knot of stress in my chest that hasn't gone away in months, and work towards experiencing simple happinesses again not numbed by the ache of all that's occurred. It's been a long year, but I'm glad it's finally over and I'm hopeful that even if my health doesn't improve (which it likely won't any time soon) that somehow I can heal enough to find a sense of joy and emotional investment in things again.

This sounds small and silly, but I'm looking forward to spring and the hope of growing peas. I love peas. There's something magical about peas for me. The peas make me feel this sense of aliveness and the intimate connection I have with the earth.

So I suppose here's to peas, still being alive and the hope that 2019 sees some kind of improvement for me, even if it's just in my power to cope and do it with a smile.

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:iconmiluiel-the-friendly:
Miluiel-the-Friendly Featured By Owner Apr 22, 2019  Student General Artist
HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I know I'm a little late, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY all the same! *Hugs* *bounce*
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(1 Reply)
:iconwhitefoxdesigns:
whitefoxdesigns Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2019  Professional Interface Designer
Happy Birthday! cute pug!! Pug 
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:iconethanredotter:
EthanRedOtter Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2019  Student Writer
Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D Happy birthday!!!Super Fantastic Golden Platter Cake 3D
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:iconthebarredoneoncemore:
TheBarredOneOnceMore Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2019   General Artist
Happy birthday! :D
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:iconbigbadgull:
BigBadGull Featured By Owner Apr 20, 2019  Student Traditional Artist
Happy Birthday!!!!Birthday cake  icon Free Birthday Icon 
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