for those of you who actually really like my art or even kinda sorta like it, i really must apologize. the best way i can think to describe the way i've been feeling about nearly every thing lately is "unmotivated". i start a sketch, and it sits on my floor. i start to write, then go to bed instead. i've had little to no computer access, and what time i do have on it, i usually use for job searching. that, plus the fact that i'm still stuck in a mormon household so the computer is password protected. i'm almost 22yrs old, and i still need to get permission to access the computer. what a load... another thing thats going on is fear. i'm afraid for my future. i'm getting to that hopeless emo point where i start to think "there is no love for me." , and i really feel that way. i feel like i lose friends more often than i gain them. *sigh* i refuse to think i'm depressed, i just think that a lot of things are kinda hopeless right now. more fears. my body appears to be betraying me. i lose my appetite regularly. food i usually love i feel like i have to choke down. yet, i still gain weight. joy. metabolism seems to be catching up. i'm such a fat bastard XD. then, to add to my bodily fears, several of my joints have been hurting. i visited a doctor, they took blood tests. i have arthritis. they say that they can't be 100% positive, but then the doctor did that lovely "does this hurt? how bout this?" twisting limbs in ways they wouldn't like to move normally. but he said i almost surely have it. as of right now, my hips, knees, and ankles begin to feel like i'm being stabbed directly in the joint if i stand for much more than a couple hrs. i used to be a masochist, so i know what being stabbed by needles feels like. and adding to the fear, i havn't been typing long, and my fingers are beginning to gain the same sensation. perhaps its just been a long time. but i'm scared of the idea of losing the use of my fingers, for slightly petty reasons, too. i love to write, i love to draw and paint, and i love to play video games. i'm already steadily losing my eyesight, why does that cruel omnipotent diety feel i need to lose more senses? ha. no wonder i don't really believe in him. (on a side note to my rant, i want everyone to know that i know there are people who have it much worse off than me. people who lose control of common bodily functions, people who have mental illness. my mother had bells palsey that lasted a couple of months, my sister is facing the same side effects as... i want to say huntingtons... thats not quite right though, its very similar. i know that i do not have the worst problems immaginable, but for me, its scary.)
despite all my previous statements, and on a brighter note, i want you guys that care enough to read this far to know my plans. eventually, i am planning to attempt a webcomic. its gonna be furry, and its gonna kinda center around some of the things that have happened around work at the pizza place. and believe me, theres some funny stuff. i may even have stuff thats happened while playing games, like halo and stuff. another thing, most recently, i've been doing some spraypaint art. have you seen some of those speed painted planets? thats what i've been doing. its surprisingly simple, but i'm nowhere NEAR the speed and skill of the people you can find on youtube. apparently i'm good enough that my father laid claim to my best one as his fathers day gift. frustrated me a little, but i guess i had nothing better planned. *sigh* anyway, i don't know when i'll be able to post anything, but i hope to very soon. i miss coming on here, i miss some of the people i would talk with. and yes, i do kinda miss some of the attention i got with my art ^_^' hope to hear from yall soon.