Aria - Meditation

"I would sit and relax and try to feel better by being out in nature. This was when I didn't really know what to do except try to get my mind off the trauma. Sometimes I would close my eyes and I'd end up sleeping. A few times I closed my eyes and stayed awake, but my body relaxed. I would feel my hand let go of the knife, but I wouldn't move my hand. I was just aware of my body relaxing. It was in those few times that I started to experience mystical things.

In one of those times, I felt like the world was small and everything was just a page in a book. Like I could understand all of reality in one second if I just focused when I opened my eyes. But when I tried to open my eyes, the feeling disappeared, I felt like my understanding was normal, and I opened my eyes but I was surprised about what I'd just experienced.

Another time when I relaxed I saw myself like I was leaving my body, and I saw my body sitting there where I was sitting. I don't know if I had a different body or if it was a dream, but I remember waking up surprised and then getting up and looking around to see if everything was how i saw it. And it was. I think it was my first out of body experience.

Another time I relaxed with my eyes closed again, and went through the whole thing of my body going to sleep but instead of something mystical I just started to think and imagine a lot. I thought about my life, and my thoughts were really clear. I could separate my emotions from my thoughts. I made important decisions. I decided that I could never make friends again. No one could be my friend when they understood what I really wanted.

I had decided months earlier that talk therapy wasn't what I needed. I needed vengeance, and that would never get past a psychologist. I needed to keep my life from sinking into depression on my own.

So when I went to the forest to try to relax, and when I felt...like I was at home there, alone, and when I had that experience of mental control and clarity, I made another important decision: that I would never be weak and self-pitying like people in my generation seemed to be. I was all alone. I was truly, really alone. But here in this meditation, it didn't make me miserable. I followed up the decision by deciding I would understand myself, that I would control my life because it was my life. There was no shiny hope left, but memories and this feeling of belonging that I got from the forest, these were what I had left remaining in my hands.

From then on, I became powerful. I realized I didn't need other people's knowledge, but if I took from the knowledge of the world, I would make sure I could use it. My old life called to me. It told me to return, to feel hurt to accept that I would never change anything yet to accept the worst change of my life: that my friends were murdered. It told me this was the easier way to live. And in my mind, this will always stick to me as the most offensive thing I could ever be offered, and everyone urged me to accept. I decline. They will have to accept my changes, because I'm going to change the world into what it should have been, so that someone like me, out there, never has to go through this. I decline the world's offer for a normal way of life, I say farewell to it, because it caused me this fate and I gain nothing; I've lost almost everything. But I don't say farewell to my memories. Because they're all I have now."

Aria, Notebook 1.

The forest has helped Aria.

Theme Song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ylLS2suCoZ8