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C H A P T E R 3
Its is Tuesday now. Garyuu came yesterday.
This day seemed to be absolutely boring, as always… except for Garyuu.
Today started with me, as usual, arriving early to the school, after an awkward silences in the car with my dad eating a Donnut and me eating a piece of yesterday's pizza. He does not care about making breakfast, so we eating this fast food for it.

I stepped out of the car. The footsteps next to me are going their separate ways, so I went off and passed unnoticed, like an ant.

I was soon going to meet Meiko, as usual; I noticed she was talking with Garyuu. Again speaking as if they were old friends… But now they were having a serious chatter, I dunno what they were talking about, but as soon as I approached them, the whole atmosphere changed.

"Oooii! Hinataa!" she greeted "How are you doing?"

I could sense her fake smile, whatever they were talking about, was dead serious.

"Im fine, thanks for asking" I said "What were you two talking about?
"Ah? Eeh… hmm…" Stammered Meiko " Have you seen the movie "Perseption?" "
"No, I haven't. Answer please"
"Nothing important, really" Garyuu quickly said.

What are they hiding from me?

"Hey..but.." I tried to continue
"Lets go to class now, Hina" he interrupted "We are already late"
"….ok, If you say"

As we were going to class 305, someone passed by us and I crashed with him and fell to the floor. I was paying attention. Garyuu helped me stand up again and said.
"Could it be…? " He whispered to himself "Hey, You!!"
"Hmm.. Me?" The guy turned and we could see his face
"Wha…What!?" Garyuu was red "Te..Tensei!?"

Tensei? I don't know him, he must be new in the school.

"So… Garyuu… so you are at older girls now, huh?" He said

Older girls? You mean Garyuu's younger than me? But most important…. How does Tensei know him? Isn't Garyuu from Niigata?

"Why...?" Garyuu was surprised too "What are you doing here?"
They DO know each other

"Gee" responded the new student "calm down, scumbag"
"Just tell me, Tensei!"
"Gee, I just came. No reason needed"

Garyuu was really mad.

"Tch.. was it Riichi!?" Garyuu was saying "Was it that bastard!?"

After that phrase, A tear rolled down on Meiko's face.

"Noo!!" She was shouting "He didn't do it!"
"Shut up, you stupid b*tch!" said Tensei
"But… but…" she continued crying, and slowly retired to the bathrooms. Meiko may be a super happy person, but she is indeed very sensitive. I noticed a large crowd was looking at us… We were a show in the middle of the school.

"…Did you even wonder?" continued the redhead "But no" He looked at me "I didn't come because of him. I just came to know how are you and everything! We are friends, come on!" He started laughing.

I looked at Garyuu, he was altered, and wasn't happy with this guys appearance at all. His amber eyes were into an anger face. Meiko was crying, and me, not informed at all.

"We should go" I whispered to Garyuu "We are doing a complete show in here, they are going to ground us"
"……..ok" He agreed

So we slowly fade into the corridor.

"Who is he?" I asked
"…" no answer
"Tell.. me!" I insisted
"Lets just go to the class, we are already late"
"oh… ok"

I had to shut up, he was really angry.

We were entering the class when we encountered Karin going out of our classroom.

"Why are you two late?" she asked
"Something unexpected happened, Karin."
"What happened, Garyuu?"

Karin's face changed. She looked at me.

"Oh.. Hinata, go to your class, your teacher is already in. Im going to talk with Garyuu for a moment"

I don't want to go in! I want to know who that guy is! I want answers!

"Ok, miss" I went off, I knew they wouldnt listen.

While I was going to the door slowly, I could hear some faint whispers.
…How?...Dont know…Done…Riichi?....Hina….danger….

That Riichi guy again? He may be in something… But most important... My name and danger in the same sentence…

"Go to your class, Hinata!" Karin repeated
"Hmm.. sorry Miss" I entered the classroom
"Why are you late, Hinata?" said the teacher
"Something unexpected happened" I said, and went to my seat

Meiko wasn't in there, but there was Tensei looking at me, smirking. I changed seat, I wanted to be the least close to that mysterious guy.
I didn't pay attention to the math class at all, All I could think of.. was Hinata and danger
…Is that guy dangerous?
…Is Garyuu in danger?
…Am I in danger?


That Night I couldn't stop thinking about it.
I went to meet Riichi at the same time last time. It was at his hideout. At an strange place in Tokio

"You again, huh?" said the guy supposed to guard the place, as it is Illegal

I ignored him and tried to enter, but he didn't let me.

"What happens?" I said
"heheh, It seems Tensei's its favourite now"
"Its ok.."
"Are you jeaaaalouss??" He continued mockering me "You, being its predilect, are nothing compared to Tensei"
"Or is it just because he's going to.. hmm… End with that girlfriend of yours?"
"Bu-but! Wh..what happens!?"
"Ca..Calm down, buddy, Im just kidd—"
"I WONT calm Down!!"

I was so angry.. I took out my gun and almost fire at his big dumbass face.
I knew I berseked a bit, But I couldn't go slow, for Hinata's safety.

I arrived at the door. Riichi wasn't waiting for me, so I entered anyways, There he was, seating looking at the window.

"Riichi" I said
"Oh Garyuu, hello, how are you?" He turned to see me with his brown eyes.
"Stop playing innocent with me"
"Chee..hee..hee, Garyuu, you know more than anybody that Im not innocent"

He was laughing, he didn't care about it.

"Tell me, Why.." I said "Is Tensei here?"
"Hmm.. Why should I do it?
"chee hee hee, you should watch your mouth, kid, remember I can kill you in a call"

I didn't know what to say…He was just.. argh..

"Well, pity you, Im telling" he started "He's here, I payed him to kill that Hinata girl"
"Wait..What!?" I said "Why would you!?"
"I told you to do it quickly"
"Yes… but…" I was saying " You said I could have more time!"
"Hmm.. I did? I don't remember" he continued mocking me with his games "Whatever, because everybody gotta die sometime"
"Killing her is enough!" I said "Why would you call Tensei?"
"Its just… he's faster than you"
"Than me!? I wasn't supposed to kill her!"
"Chee Hee hee, yes you were… I only forgot to tell you that part"

Fighting with him wasn't a solution, so I tried to make a deal.

"If you only gave me more time…"
"I wont give you more time, get over it"

He wasn't listening!

"I…wont let you"
"Tensei…wont event touch Hinata"
"aahh.. really?" He started Laughing out loud "How are you even planning to do that?"
"I just know, Riichi"

After that, I went out of the room. I turned and could see Riichi's disgust face, I laughed.. Until I encountered Tensei, going to the same room, drinking some Smoothie.

"Hey, Tensei" I said
"What do you want, scumbag?"
"Hee hee, How are you doing?"
"Gee, Im fine, and you?" he said, taunting
"Whatever, I will not let you get any close to Hinata" I said "Think of it twice and…"
"And what!?"
"I'l just.. kill you"
"Gee, Im not afraid"
"You should"
"Why? A scumbag like you can't even damage me"
"Well, theres always a first time, no?"

"Gee, its ok for me."

Things are getting started :D
There are some bad words... Sorry.. Hmm.. I want this to be realistic and there are no other words to express the feeling... should I put the censor?...

I did it extra large, and extra exciting xD
Wait for upcoming chapter, please, it may get MORE exciting tee gee ;D

Tenseei! xD
Your first critique! (I think.)
So here's what I think:
You story line is good, but a few of things sort of bother me... But most of the things are completely understandable, considering that English isn't your first language, so I won't gripe too much about that, but one thing you should be able to do is keep your tense going.
You need to pick a tense and stick with it. You seem to mix past and present tense together, and it doesn't flow well.
When you write, you want to please the reader with a smoothly flowing story. You want to make it obvious who is speaking, too, but don't worry about it too much for now. You get better at writing by having practice with it.
I really wish I spoke Spanish, so I could read the original and see how well it flows in your native language.
I'm not trying to be a know-it-all, or hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to give you fair critique.
Like I said, your story line is good, and your characters are strong! Also, you shouldn't worry about censoring your swear words. Even though some people might not approve, some things can't be expressed well without them, and you can always just check "yes" for mature content and then check "strong language."
:D I hope this was helpful to you! Keep up the good work!
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Submitted on
March 9, 2011
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