Deviation Actions
Description
It all started around prom. I wanted to say the first instance was when I was voted prom queen, but it wasn’t. It started with the kilt. I wanted to wear it to be different, but I also wanted to feel what it would be like to wear a skirt. I had even shaved my legs for it.
Nevertheless, being voted prom queen did help. I knew that it was done as a joke, but I wanted to know what it would be like to have it done as not a joke. I wanted to be voted prom queen because I deserved it. I knew that it would take some time, but maybe I could do this.
So I called everyone into the living room. It was the end of the school year. I wanted to keep this just amongst my family right now. I knew that I couldn’t do this by myself and I had a feeling that they would be supportive.
“So you’re probably wondering why I called you here.” I stated. “The truth is that I’ve known that always known that I was different from other boys. I thought it was because I was gay, but I was wrong. The truth that I think that I am actually straight, but not…”
“So wait, you like girls?” Lucy interrupted. I wished that she hadn’t interrupted my big speech.
“No, you need to let me finish.” I scolded her. “Now as I was saying, I’m straight because I don’t think that I’m a boy at all. I think I’m a girl and my body is just wrong. I want to fix it. I want to look the same on the outside as I feel inside.”
I then looked at my dad who had a look of stone-faced silence. I needed to know how he felt.
“Dad?” I asked with quivering lips. I really needed him to be okay with this.
“So how do we go about doing this?” He asked me.
“It would probably be a good idea to take her to see a specialist.” Carole stated. She called me her and it felt good. I was pretty sure that it involved a psychiatrist. “I think that you need to do two things before we do any of this. First you need to come up with a name for yourself and second, you need to tell Blaine.”
Blaine. I hadn’t thought about my boyfriend would feel about this. I knew that he didn’t like girls. I had been there when he said that he was completely gay and I didn’t know how he felt. Was I willing to lose him to become who I wanted to be? He really meant a lot to me and I didn’t know if I could do that. However, I also couldn’t let him hold me back.
I decided to talk to Lucy. I wondered if she would let me wear any of her clothes. I wasn’t entirely sure if her clothes would fit me considering that I was taller than her.
“So how do you feel about this?” I asked. We had some initial problems when our parents first got together, though some of that probably had to do with her frustration related to Faith and Jessa.
“Well I can’t say that I haven’t always wanted a sister.” She declared. “But are you sure that you want this? I mean you seemed happy before.”
“Yes I want to do this.” I explained. “I was wondering if you were interested in taking me shopping at all. Maybe I could get some hair extensions so I would look more like a girl and once I do, I could wear some of your clothes.”
“Maybe it would be a better idea if we went somewhere not around here.” She suggested. “I don’t think it’s a good idea for you to go around here until you look enough like a girl.”
She probably had a point. If I thought, the torment for being gay was bad, what I would experience for being transgender would probably be worse. I imagined that most people wouldn’t understand what it was like to be transgender. There were many less transgender. people as opposed to gay people. I wondered if Blaine would understand. Would he reject me for not being the same person? I loved Blaine, but I couldn’t let anyone stop me from being me.
We went to the mall a few towns over. I was fairly certain that we wouldn’t know anyone there since it wasn’t the local mall. It was nice and somewhere that I could get some extensions and some makeup. I kind of expected the saleswomen to laugh at me when I said that I wanted to buy some hair extensions, but she was understanding. Lucy showed me how to put them in and applied some makeup for me. She then gave me some clothes to wear. It wasn’t anything too fancy. There was a long-sleeved white tee and leather jacket with white knee-length skirt with blue flowers on it. I didn’t fill them right, but it felt kind of good to wear them.
“How do I look?” I asked.
“You look fine, but I think you should try to sound more like a girl.” She stated. “It’ll probably take some time. Luckily, your voice isn’t that deep. How about you just let me talk for you today and you can start working on your voice when we get home.”
The next day, I headed to the doctor’s office. I was kind of nervous because I didn’t know what to say or what they would say. I was still learning how to sound more like a girl. The good news was that because I had just turned 18, I could make my own medical decisions. Carole was still with me because she probably knew more about this stuff than I did.
At that point, the doctor walked into the room. She was a blonde woman who was kind of short, but very attractive. She wore a black dress with a white medical coat and a pair of heels. I hadn’t worn heels because I was 5’7” without them. I really didn’t want to grow any more.
“Good morning, Miss Hummel.” She greeted me. It felt nice to be called that. I hadn’t really decided on a name for myself yet. “So how can I help you?”
“Well I was wondering if it would be possible for me to start hormone therapy.” I declared.
“How long have you been transitioning?” She asked.
“A few days.” I answered.
“It’s generally advised that you try to live as the opposite gender for a few months before you start hormones.” She told me.
“I understand that, but I go to high school.” I explained. “I want to already be experiencing the effects by the time that I start. I know it might not be the most typical way to do this, but can’t I live as a girl and take hormones at the same time?”
“I suppose you could.” She agreed. “However, before we start anything, you need to read up on the side effects of hormone therapy. There are risks to doing so. What do you think?”
I realized that she was looking at Carole.
“Well I think that whatever she wants to do is the right decision.” Carole stated.
“Okay, then I’ll give you some pamphlets and then we can schedule another appointment.” She stated. “However, I do have something for you to do until then. By the next time that we meet, I want you to come up with a name for yourself.”
So that gave me a few days to figure out. I supposed that I could always pick something and change it later because I wasn’t looking to change my name just yet, at least legally. I probably would do that before the summer was over. I just had to come up with something to use first.
On the way home, I was driving when something ran out in front of me. Thankfully, I didn’t hit it.
“What was that?” I asked Carole.
“I think it was a cat.” She answered. Cat. It sounded a lot like Kurt, but also feminine. “Kurt, are you okay?”
“Kat.” I declared.
“What?” She asked.
“I want to be called Kat.” I explained. “At least for now.”
“Okay, but what is it short for?” She responded. I had to think for a moment.
“Katherine.” I answered. “So when do you think I should tell Blaine about this. He’s probably wondering why I haven’t seen him in a few days.”
“You could do it tonight if you’re up for it.” She suggested. I was afraid of what he would say to me, but I didn’t think that he would yell at me.
“Okay, I’ll do it tonight.” I agreed.
That night after dinner, I texted Blaine to come over. I didn’t call him because I couldn’t talk to him yet. He might not recognize my voice with the work I had been putting into it. I was pretty sure that it would sound more natural after I started to take hormones.
“Kurt, your dad said that you were in here.” Blaine remarked as he opened the door. I turned around so he could see me. He definitely looked surprised by how I looked. “Um, is there any reason why you’re dressed as a girl?”
“I’m not.” I answered. “I’m not dressed as a girl. I am a girl and I want to be one. I’ve come to the realization this is who I want to be and I would prefer to be called Kat or Katherine.”
He was silent and I couldn’t help but wonder if he was in shock or if he was trying to think of something to say. The silence was the worst part because I had no idea what he was thinking. If he was going to break up with me, he needed to do it because I didn’t just want him to stand there in silence. I knew what I wanted and I needed him to understand that this was what I wanted and there was nothing he could do to change my mind.
“Can you please say something?” I requested.
“I don’t know how to feel about this.” He admitted. “I am happy for you, but I don’t know how I feel about it. I think I’m going to need some time to think it over. Are you sure that you want to do this?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.” I answered. “I’m going to start taking hormones soon. I know that some people won’t like this, but this is who I am.”
If I live to be a hundred and never see the seven wonders
That’ll be alright
If I don’t make it to the big leagues, if I never win a Grammy
I’m gonna be just fine
Cause I know exactly who I am
I am Rosemary’s granddaughter, spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy, but I’ve got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It’s all a part of me
That’s who I am
I’m a saint and I’m a sinner
I’m a loser, I’m a winner
I’m steady and unstable
I’m young but I am able
I am Rosemary’s granddaughter, spitting image of my father
And when the day is done my momma’s still my biggest fan
Sometimes I’m clueless and I’m clumsy, but I’ve got friends who love me
And they know just where I stand
It’s all a part of me
That’s who I am
I had to admit, I liked being able to sing a girl song like that. I had sung songs by girls before, but never about being a girl. There was one thing that I was concerned about was that I might lose my ability to sing from the hormones. I hoped that I wouldn’t. My voice probably would sound different, but if I had to choose between being able to sing and being a girl, I would pick being a girl every time.
A few months later, school was about to start. My hair had grown to the point where I didn’t need extensions anymore. I looked at myself in the mirror and was pleased. My voice had also changed and I found out that I couldn’t go as high when singing, but I still sounded nice. I would have to go more on emotion than high notes.
I had done something that I wasn’t originally sure of. I hadn’t had a full operation, but I did get breast implants. They weren’t even that big. I was only a B-cup and a small one at that. I wanted to know what it would be like to have actual breasts that I could touch. I had also lost some weight. I weighed 121 pounds. I hoped that I looked okay. Finally, I had changed my name. I was legally Kathryn Elizabeth Hummel.
“Ready to go to school, Sis?” Lucy asked me.
“Yes.” I answered.