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literature

Submerged in Swan Lake

Daily Deviation
OfOneSoul's avatar
By OfOneSoul   |   
131 100 6K (1 Today)
Published:
Swans and wings are floating by
on a breeze imbued with jasmine and
willows outstretching their arms in welcome.

Through deep breaths he arrives
plunged in murky, pungent water.
A quiet whisper, and he prays -

"Please... may I linger here?"

Willows lower their arms
and jasmine falls to the Earth
where the wind dies and finally rests.  

The crows are cawing hymns,
begging to be swans.
But only the duck submerged in Swan Lake
has delved the desired shore.

Its waters dangerous and plagued
by monsters baring their teeth;
most ghastly and putrid they are
that no crow may ripple its surface
nor any songbird seeking beauty fair.

The Swan Maidens bare their chests
and open their wings in veneration -
for the duck has sought beauty through courage
and earned his guise of grace and virtue.
© 2012 - 2020 OfOneSoul
:new: MY FIRST DAILY DEVIATION!

:faint: I couldn't believe when I logged on this morning that I received a DD. :squee:

When I wrote this poem, I thought to myself,
"Wow, you should really stick to prose."
I'm glad that someone doesn't think so. :blush:

Special thanks to BeccaJS for featuring me, and thank you for either :+fav:ing, commenting, or reading! :tighthug:

Honored 2 Have Gotten DD Stamp by Mirz123



:happybounce:

My first poem in ages!



This is my audition for poetry-book's Scratch That Poetry Tournament. As the rules stated, the participants could write about anything... except overly depressing subject matter. :giggle:

This piece was greatly inspired by the ballet, Swan Lake. I have just recently refallen in love with it while doing research for my NaNoWriMo '12 project, Drowning Sirens.

I wanted to tell a story that may have seemed sad at first but in the end had a childlike sense of retribution that not only teaches all of us a lesson but gives everyone that isn't necessarily a swan, hope.

Please let me know what you think. I'd love some feedback on this. :tighthug:

:heart: OfOneSoul

Thank you TheGalleryOfEve for the beautiful art inspired by this piece! :heart:

Good moments together by TheGalleryOfEve
Comments100
anonymous's avatar
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HuntingForHappiness's avatar
HuntingForHappinessHobbyist Writer
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

Hi, I'm critiquing on behalf of <img class="avatar" src="a.deviantart.net/avatars/w/r/w…" alt=":iconwriters--club:" title="Writers--club" />. <img src="e.deviantart.net/emoticons/w/w…" width="25" height="20" alt=":wave:" data-embed-type="emoticon" data-embed-id="437" title="Hi!"/>

First of all, congratulations on the DD! You definitely deserved it.

In the interest of keeping myself from gushing, I'll get to your questions:

I think the imagery here is quite well done. It's at its most vivid in the first stanza, but stays pretty consistent throughout the rest of the poem. Some highlights for me in terms of imagery were: the first and third stanzas, and this set of lines: "The Swan Maidens bare their chests/and open their wings in veneration." Very compelling.

I think the pacing is well done here, and I don't think there's anything I would change. The same goes for the story; I think this interpretation of the Ugly Duckling is one of the most creative that I've seen.

As for rhyming, I think this is a piece best left as free verse. Both because I think this is great as it is, and also because rhyme can be constricting, and could very well take away from the impact of the piece.

Overall, this is a great piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work.
Rhetoricism's avatar
:star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-empty: Vision
:star::star::star::star-half::star-empty: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

Ah, a magnificent work. I'm not usually a poem person, but this was perhaps dangerously evocative.

Your Imagery
How did I feel about your imagery? Depends on how you define imagery. Phrases like 'begging to be swans', 'open their wings in veneration' and 'guise of grace and virtue' were the ones that caught me in. If that counts as imagery, then I think it's very, very descriptive, bringing to mind rather interesting scenes and poses. Effective, certainly.

Your Pacing
Did the pacing go wrong, at all? Given that the poem is of a more descriptive than narrative bent, the pacing is less relevant. It's fully possible to lose yourself in minutiae, and not spoil the feel of the poem. The poem isn't too wordy, nor does it linger too long on any one thing, and thus, I feel the pacing is solid.

Your Story
The duck, graceful and virtuous as he is, seems to be a minor feature. While his journey is simple and evident, it is also sparsely described. Rather, you have given pen to an environment, a scene, and that's the strength of the poem. The duck is undeniably wonderful, but the setting he is in is the star of the poem. I liked it, but preferred the rest.

Your Rhyming
Bugger rhyming. If it sounds good (it does), rhymed or not, leave it be.
theWitchofGrich's avatar
:star::star::star::star::star: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star: Impact

What a beautiful poem!

I love the way several ''moods'' are intertwined into the stanzas and not just that, but different movements as well. As I began reading this lovely poem, it sounded like a typical Romanticist work of art. However, as I read on, I realised there was more to it - much more to it.

I love how you added the element of the swans into your poem. It not only speaks of a metaphor, but somehow connects this to the ancient beliefs of purity and grace. Symbols of crows and swans can definitely be found in lots of mythologies and old stories. Well done! This aspect added to the originality of the poem.

In general, the motives are well chosen, the emotions are present, the vocabulary used is very descriptive and the the poem visually stands out. I loved the unusual form it had. Just as I thought it would be kept in tercets, in a sudden, the harmony was broken - and mind you, it was really brilliantly done!

"Please... may I linger here?" is a verse line which changes everything. There is definitely more meaning to this than we might think in the beginning. The little duck, referred to as ''he'' so that we wonder ''who?'' as we are reading for the first time. It forces us to pay close attention to the words in order to understand the poem. Really, brilliant!
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
Thank you for such a wonderful critique! I am so glad you found so many things brilliant. :giggle: And I always loved poems where you had to pay attention to understand them... but when you did understand, it certainly paid off.

Thank you again, sweetie! I really appreciate it. :tighthug:

:heart: *OfOneSoul
theWitchofGrich's avatar
You're welcome. It was an honour writing this critique. I truly enjoyed your poem :D
Aurelia
betwixtthepages's avatar
betwixtthepagesHobbyist General Artist
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Overall
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Vision
:star::star::star::star::star: Originality
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Technique
:star::star::star::star::star-half: Impact

I have always had a secret love affair with ballet, though I haven't had the chance to watch much of it.

In regards to this piece: I think this stanza, in particular, spoke to me the most--

The crows are cawing hymns,
begging to be swans.
But only the duck submerged in Swan Lake
has delved the desired shore.


I find it interesting that it can be interpreted in so many ways, while still maintaining an overall sense of reality--because really, I think we're all striving to be something--someone--we aren't. But if we were to get that? The chance to be something different? I don't think we'd be any less miserable...but that stanza carries hope, regardless. The sense that maybe, just maybe, it's possible to be comfortable in our own skins.

I also like that you carry the image of the duck through the whole piece, and I feel like that last stanza really brings a sense of closure--of adventure awaiting--to your readers. Yeah, the duck is still a duck is still a duck...but he's got this air about him at the end of this, as if he doesn't care what the rest of the world thinks, so long as he's comfortable with himself. It's a feeling I think we should all strive to achieve in our lives.

I also really like the scenery you put in this; I could almost feel the sea breeze whispering across my face, my hair blustering across my face as the water laps at the shore...it's subtle, yes, but it's there in the rhythm of the words, the way they roll off the tongue--and across the mind--so fluidly. It's a rather neat thing to experience, the atmosphere of a piece being more metaphysical or ghostly than real. I think you accomplished something wonderful here overall. Beautiful work!
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
Thank you so much for the lovely critique, sweetie! I'm so glad you managed to find the time and I really appreciate it. The stanza you mentioned is actually one of my favorites as well! :la: And although the duck does desire to be something he's not - it's more like he earned his place amongst angels rather than becoming head cheerleader. :giggle:

Thanks again, darling! You are so lovely. :tighthug:

:heart: *OfOneSoul
betwixtthepages's avatar
betwixtthepagesHobbyist General Artist
You are very welcome. :heart:
shep4life's avatar
shep4lifeHobbyist Writer
Well this is lovely!
CassieCros13's avatar
CassieCros13Student WriterFeatured
While I can't give a formal critique since I can't write a poem to save my life; this is astonishingly beautiful. :love: "Please let me linger here" and "The Swan Maidens Bared Their Cheasts" Stood out to me. Love the imagery, and the ending. Well deserved DD :clap:
TheGalleryOfEve's avatar
TheGalleryOfEveProfessional Digital Artist
This is SO BEAUTIFUL Kimberly!!! :love: :faint:

:stare: I didn't know you wrote so well! :bucktooth:

:confused:
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
:lmao:

My writing abilities confuse you. :eyes:
TheGalleryOfEve's avatar
TheGalleryOfEveProfessional Digital Artist
:facepalm: I'm SSSSSSSSSO lazy to read!!! :tears: ... My brain is going to desiccate if I don't read at least a little! :facepalm: ... I'm ashamed of myself for that! :stare:

I "resumed my DA activity" with a lot of energy in November, so I started reading a few things here and there (usually short things, for lack of time mostly :ashamed:) ... and adding things to my faves, but then (because I also "discover" what "watching" was :bucktooth:) I got a TON of artwork and writings in my inbox! :wow: ... So I sacrificed the writers, but it's not nice, because so many people put their hearts in what they write! :lonely: I'm mean ...

Your writing abilities Delight me!!! :iconstaredanceplz:
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
Don't sacrifice me! :tears:

... I'm so delightful. :eyes:
TheGalleryOfEve's avatar
TheGalleryOfEveProfessional Digital Artist
No, no :pat: I won't EVER sacrifice you again! :stare: ... EVER! :stare:

I'll find the time and I'll start reading all your short work from now on! :nod: :pat: You'll see! :pat:
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
... are we... committed to each other? Like - in a artistic relationship? :flirty: I though you'd never ask! :iconhumpingplz:
TheGalleryOfEve's avatar
TheGalleryOfEveProfessional Digital Artist
:iconteheplz: Ohh you! ... I thought that the "watch" was a clear indication of our mutual commitment ... :popcorn:

I'm solemn today:facepalm:

:giggle:
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
I love it when you're solemn. :drool:
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PoetryOD's avatar
Hey there I featured this piece here and just thought I'd let you know.

Thanks!
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
:iconteheplz:
Etsuko-Hime's avatar
Etsuko-HimeHobbyist Traditional Artist
This is lovely! :D i dont know mutch about poems, but it is beutiful :)
OfOneSoul's avatar
OfOneSoulHobbyist Writer
Thank you, darling! You are too kind. :iconrubcheeksplz:
Etsuko-Hime's avatar
Etsuko-HimeHobbyist Traditional Artist
Np :3 :hug:
sexiveggi's avatar
I can see why its been a daily deviation,very nice work :)
Keep on writing!
anonymous's avatar
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