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:iconocularfracture:
Your first critique! (I think.)
So here's what I think:
You story line is good, but a few of things sort of bother me... But most of the things are completely understandable, considering that English isn't your first language, so I won't gripe too much about that, but one thing you should be able to do is keep your tense going.
You need to pick a tense and stick with it. You seem to mix past and present tense together, and it doesn't flow well.
When you write, you want to please the reader with a smoothly flowing story. You want to make it obvious who is speaking, too, but don't worry about it too much for now. You get better at writing by having practice with it.
I really wish I spoke Spanish, so I could read the original and see how well it flows in your native language.
I'm not trying to be a know-it-all, or hurt your feelings. I'm just trying to give you fair critique.
Like I said, your story line is good, and your characters are strong! Also, you shouldn't worry about censoring your swear words. Even though some people might not approve, some things can't be expressed well without them, and you can always just check "yes" for mature content and then check "strong language."
:D I hope this was helpful to you! Keep up the good work!
The Artist thought this was FAIR
1 out of 1 deviants thought this was fair.

Comments


:iconomegaseikai:
Omegaseikai Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
OMG thaaank you for the critique!!
Yep, pretty much my first official dA critique xD
Well, thanks for your opinion and point of view :D
I usually write the original draft chapter in english, I dunno why xD I think I express myself better this way, and then I translate word by word to spanish to make it flow better than rough translation :D (thought, it is very time-using e.e a pair of hours in a short chapter e.e
Yeah, with the tense-mixing thing you are very right, other people has told me so, but what I try to do, is that the "Omniscient Narrator Hinata" is talking in past, as telling a story.. and the "Thoughts of the Character Hinata" are in present, as if she is LIVING the story
...thats what I wanted to do... but I think It didnt go well xD
And.. of the language.. I dunno xD Im not acquainted to write stories like this, and I want this to be serious :D So if putting "strong language" is needed, I will do it.
Im very thankful for the tips! :D
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:iconocularfracture:
OcularFracture Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
No problem at all!
I can understand the different people talking in different tenses. That makes sense~ But a lot of times you mix the tenses in one part of the story. <3 It's perfectly understandable, though, and I need to learn some Spanish so I can read the other version! x]
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:iconomegaseikai:
Omegaseikai Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
oh Gracias por los tips!
xD :3
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:iconocularfracture:
OcularFracture Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2011  Professional Digital Artist
x] de nada~
(did I spell it right?)
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:iconomegaseikai:
Omegaseikai Featured By Owner Mar 11, 2011  Hobbyist Writer
Gee its ok!! :D
xD
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