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Deviant for 10 Years
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FFVIII Gunblade V2 - 3D Model by mogcaiz FFVIII Gunblade V2 - 3D Model :iconmogcaiz:mogcaiz 2,086 531 FFVIII Gunblade - Origin by mogcaiz FFVIII Gunblade - Origin :iconmogcaiz:mogcaiz 850 211 Keyblade - Oathkeeper V2.1 by mogcaiz Keyblade - Oathkeeper V2.1 :iconmogcaiz:mogcaiz 1,395 387



This Is Me. A Long Time Ago. But I Feel Was At My Optimal State Of Life. This Photo Is Probably One Of Very Few I Like Of Myself.

Current Residence: Ontario
deviantWEAR sizing preference: Medium
Favourite genre of music: Dubstep/House/Dance
Favourite photographer: Monica Carlton
Favourite style of art: Photography / Graphic
Operating System: Windows XP
MP3 player of choice: iPod Touch
Shell of choice: Dark...
Wallpaper of choice: i Have 1,443 Wallpapers ATM...
Favourite cartoon character: idk....
Personal Quote: Do Unto Others As You Wish Others To Do Unto You
So Here i am. Here to answer my own question. If only i could talk to my past self. If only i could go back. The choices i would change. I woudnt be me. But thats what brought me here.. I dont know who i am. I went looking for who i was, in order to get a better grasp on who i am today.. so here i am much in the future. much of me has grown. but much... much more of me has fallen. Into the Darkness i once spoke of. But this. Was not my doing. I had it. TWICE. i had what others go half their lives or more to gain. i had in the few short years of my existence. Love. True Happiness. Pure Joy. I had the girl of my dreams. I had the girl i had no chance with. One i lost. One i gave up. 

One was the biggest mistake i ever made.

One was the worst event in my life to this date.

Kaitlynd. My highschool romance. She was the first to hold my heart. she was also the first to break it. She was also the first i hurt. the first heart i broke. i was a fool. i was a child. those years where both hell and heaven. i sit here and relive thos times in my head. watch the videos i have. listen to the songs we shared. the memories i once wanted to get rid of.. i wish were so real. they bring me comfort. but also remind me of how less i have now. how much i would take you back. how much i want to start over. but i know it would never happen. i know your too far gone and its farr to late for that.. i cant look at you to this day and say i dont love you. i will always love you. how can i not. you were the first. you helped build me. create me. even the smallest choices we made, still to this day, have made the biggest effects on who i am. I look back now and see it was a mistake to let you go. that if i had held on. if i had been stronger, maybe i would have everything i want. maybe i would be happy. Maybe we would have a place of our own. Maybe married. Maybe even children. Who knows. No one. thats the point. were supposed to do it right the first time. and i failed. n where did it lead me... i thought it was gunna lead me to something better. i thought i was doing the right thing. and it seemed that way at first....

Christine. My Beloved Destruction. I never in a million years woulda guess that. i never could have imagined what became reality. she made me everything i wanted to be. Confident. Strong. Happy. Inlove. My world couldnt have been better. sure, we fought. sure there was bad. but there was much... sooo much more good. and thats all i can remember. because thats all that matters. thats all i still have. the dogtags you gave me. still blank because idk who i am. our photoalbum, because i needed to finish the story we were writing. the promise ring. because i promise... because i promised to always love you. to wait. to have hope. to hold on. and i did. i fought. i cryed. i begged. i did EVERYTHING in my power to keep you, but i failed. you wanted to leave. you had fallen out of love with me. how? idk. no one knew. no one saw this comming. but if i had acted differently. when the first signs had shown, if i had not let my stupid anger and pride get in the way of the incoming cataclysm.. maybe i would have been saved. maybe i would be happy today. i wish things had gone differently. i so wish with every ounce of me i could have kept us together. you were my culmination. everything i had worked for, everything i had suffered and endured. lead me to you. i know that. in my bones i know it. it was ment to happen, meeting you, i had made the right choices to bring me to that desk that day. to bring myself to talk to you about your hand and why you tryed to punch your father. a convo that lead to the topic of your shitty ass boyfriend. the man you left me for. had i become so shitty? had i become worse then he was? a man who mentally, physically, and emotionally abused you.. was our relationship worse then that? no wonder i have no self confidence now. no wonder i think such shit of myself. because i must have been the worlds worst boyfriend for you to leave me for a guy who had so psychologically destroyed you. i know now i wasnt the same at the end as i was in the beginning. but i could have been. if we had talked.. maybe we could have worked it out. but that dosnt matter now. we cant live on maybes and what ifs. we have to live for our future. our better outcome. i miss you with every cell of my body. i would give anything to have you back. to go back to what we had. but i guess im asking for the impossible...

now its 3:34AM on Friday March 7th 2014.. im right back to where i was. back to where i was after kaitlynd and before christine. back to where i was before kaitlynd and in all my highschool drama crap. im back to where i was when i wrote my last entire. Lost. Unhappy.. Confused.. Alone... So the answer to my old self? No one knows who you will become. or what will happen. My happiness could be right around the corner. Or years from now. no one knows. what we do know. what I do know. is that i need to make the best of every day. because i may not see the next. and the next time im faced with fear. overhwleming odds. or challanges i need to remember to stand strong. not be afriad. because i have been to the dark. seen the light. and faced worse. but most importantly survived. i have lost so much. what else could i lose. how much deeper into the dark could i go. when depression becomes your lifestyle. when everything isnt so bad anymore because everything is worse.

things can only get better from here.
no matter how miniscule the good.
My Hope Will Never Die
I Will Always Rise Again
And I Will Die Trying

Journal History


:iconbeforethelight: :iconsuburbbum: :iconmogcaiz: :iconjessicabrewer:


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xxEndLess Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2010  Hobbyist Photographer
TheBeardedComic Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2009  Hobbyist Artist
Keep up the good work! You've got a great gallery with loads of talent :).
Oblivionxx Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2009
Thank You Very Much, Makes me feel better about my work that i have some good complements.
TheBeardedComic Featured By Owner Oct 16, 2009  Hobbyist Artist
Not a problem at all :).
xxEndLess Featured By Owner Apr 2, 2009  Hobbyist Photographer
Ha , you were easy to find :D
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