I
literature

In the shoes of an Aspie

Daily Deviation
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
By ObiWanSkywalker178   |   Watch
305 438 14K (1 Today)
Published: March 29, 2012
In the Shoes of an Aspie

Note: This is my experiences and thoughts on what it is like to be an Aspie. I understand others have their own experiences and opinions and I respect them for that. The reason I wrote this was a hope that those who read this gain some understanding as to how people with Asperger's live their lives. However each person is unique so their behaviour and way of life may be different to mine.


I wake to the sound of my alarm going off. I groan Ugh not again... I grope for my mobile and switch it off; the alarm is rather noisy. Here I go again; having to put on that masquerade; going undercover yet again. If only people would just understand what it is like to live the way I and many others like me have to live each and every day…..


Just imagine yourself living in a world where you see and deal with everything differently. Put yourself in the shoes of an Aspie; a person with Asperger's Syndrome. It's a high-functioning form of Autism. It's hard to live every day with neurotypical people (aka the normal people). You have to pretend and act like one just to fit in each and every day. It becomes tiring. Just imagine hearing everything every day and having to somehow immerse yourself into it. It's hard to focus when everybody is blabbering continuously. Imagine trying to speak out but being unable to express yourself in the "proper" way. It is hard to fit in as people single you out just because you're different and you wonder why they do this to you. You wonder why is it always me? Is it because you've done something wrong unintentionally? Or is it something else? I have had many people bully me, single me out and call me names. It does hurt but you learn to heal your scars and deal with it. All through primary school I used to get the painful jolts in the sides of my ribs until I lost it and kicked one in the leg. I now never let anyone touch my sides, back or neck just because of what some girls thought was fun.

Imagine you have trouble controlling your emotions… Doing all that school work and other things such as instrument practise, co-curricular and sports along with everything else that happens to you both at school, on the net and at home. There is no place for refuge and eventually the stress and frustration of it all; of holding your explosive anger back just gets too much for you and you have to let it out. The next time something happens; you let all your anger out. You are like a bomb that is waiting to detonate and you explode with long suppressed frustration, stress and anger. You scream and lash out at anyone who is near you. You cannot control yourself. You scream at them to stop it; then collapse to the ground in a heap shaking from the exertion of the overwhelming emotions. You are crying through it all and your racking sobs can be heard from a distance away. When you finally settle down; people apologise to you and explain they never knew. You wonder why couldn't they just understand? Why couldn't they just listen with more than their ears for once? People question you about why that outburst happened. You try to talk but your mouth is immobile no matter what you do. You think what you are trying to say however, when your lips finally move; you say something completely different to what you wanted to say. Some may call these outbursts meltdowns or breakdowns. Aspies frequently have them.

I find it hard to communicate my emotions and when this happens I just can't control myself and I fear that I may hurt someone. It just gets all too much for me to handle and I just have to let it all out. You see, we Aspies have long term memories; especially when bad things happen to us. We remember all the bad, the frustrating and stressful experiences which can make us moody and easily aggravated. When this happens, we tend to escape the real life and lock ourselves away in places of refuge such as books, the internet, movies, music, but for me it's mostly games. You can escape yourself and just play the game; immerse yourself into the storyline and imagine yourself in the screen swinging that lightsaber - killing everything in your wake……

The feelings of others are... absorbed by Aspies. Imagine being in the middle of an argument that you had no part of. All that tension, anger, frustration in the air - that aura of all those negative feelings affect you and you just become overwhelmed with too many emotions. The only way you can escape from it all is to either leave which most of the time is next to impossible or just let all the emotions out of you. So you snap and a lump of frustration forms in the back of your throat. It is next to impossible for an Aspie to quell an outburst or oncoming meltdown.

The world may be like a warzone for an Aspie but we do have many great and advantageous abilities as well as experiences. Our heightened senses enable us to hear, see and feel what neurotypical people cannot. This does add on to our increased stress but it does help us too. We have excellent memories, an above average IQ and single-mindedness. When we are focused on a certain task (especially the ones we love), we can do it without becoming distracted; especially when we are listening to just plain music. When I listen to music I can focus on what I am doing much better; be it talking, doing work or playing games; I can work and concentrate much more efficiently. Due to our brains being 'wired' differently we can upload and download much information and recall it just about whenever we want. Some Aspies can even read a whole extract from a book! How handy would that be in an exam! An Aspie tends to also have an unusual obsession be it movies, gaming, anime or even a type of rock! For me it's gaming, books, supernatural, mythology and science fiction.

Although the social skills of an Aspie are not top-notch and have trouble communicating and reading body language, other's feelings and verbal hints and pointers. Those who become friends with an Aspie are in for a unique and fantastic friendship; if they understand us. An Aspie can be a very loyal, trustworthy and honest friend who tries to help their friends when they're in trouble and cheers them up in whatever way they can when upset. Whoever treats an Aspie or their friends badly has an angered and vengeful Aspie in their hands to deal with. As a general guideline to those who don't understand: be kind to an Aspie and they will be kind in turn.

I am sick to death of change; I have been changing my whole life and I wish that it would stop but you cannot stop change. It makes us who we are and makes us unique in ways we cannot imagine. I try to change but life and everything else just gets too much for me. Luckily I have two extremely loyal, considerate and trustworthy friends that understand me, stand up for me and try help me in my times of need. They keep me happy and sane and in turn, I try doing the same for them as well.

If you and I could make the world understand about Asperger's Syndrome; the world would be a much better place and Aspies wouldn't have to hide their true self under a fake 'normal' skin…. Let us make them accept the fact we are out there and there is nothing that can change that. Asperger's is a part of our identity that cannot be erased so let us try to convince the world to accept us for who we are and respect that we - like everybody else on this planet - is different.


I get up out of bed feeling refreshed and ready to start anew. No more hiding who I truly am. I'm going to let the world know that I'm an Aspie and proud to be one!
Recommended Literature
A
Aspie
I have Asperger's Syndrome. Even saying it makes me feel relief. I'm not weird. I'm not strange. I'm not different. Well, I am different. But I'm different for a reason. My brain is wired up differently. My brain is square when everybody else's is round. My brain has three layers and everybody else has eight. I get worried when I don't know what I'm doing. I get worried around lots of people. I get worried if things change. I'm bad at telling how people feel. I'm bad at reading people's faces. I'm bad at a lot of social things. But I'm good at things too. I'm good at Maths. I'm good at Music. I'm good at knowing right from
T
Turning Inward - Asperger Syndrome and discovery
Prologue Vignette One - Floating He floated near the ceiling, up in the front right corner of the classroom. Looking down, the six year old boy could see the top of his teacher's head and the faces of his classmates. Further down the row closest to the door he saw himself watching and listening to the teacher. The boy felt like Superman since he could now fly. He would often imagine leaving his body during times of increased stress, caused in part by the teacher herself. She wasn't exactly a mean woman, but had a harsh manner that frightened him. At home in the mornings he would sometimes become nauseous from the dread at the thought of go
M
Manifest
Ah, me leg, I shall miss ye, Latest of the lost. Aye, ye be Davy Jones' lass now, Me pretty, me foot. Gone Fer a chain shot While I were topgallant. With me left hand Now, And me parrot Jim, And much o' The lee side o' me face. I list a bit now, An' I've lost me sea leg, So I'm thinkin' now's time To leave the Pirate Round an' head for Barbary Coast With me coffers t' find the pretty lass I knew when I was But a wee thing. If she'll still take me, Perhaps I won't even miss the sea.
This is something I wrote a while ago. I am constantly angered by the fact that people just can't bring themselves to understand us Aspies. Most do sympathise but I want more than their sympathy. I just want them to simply understand.
I am an Aspie and I am proud to be one.
If you can't stand me. Call me what you want. I have already been scarred before. I bear many scars both mentally and physically.
I have had enough and I've made a stand.

I hope those who read this gain some understanding as to how we live our lives but I'm only one person and I can't fully explain everything. You have to be an Aspie to fully understand what it is like to live like one.

Update: I've added some more in as some thoughts occurred to me one day after a conversation on Autism.
Recommended Literature
A
Aspie
I have Asperger's Syndrome. Even saying it makes me feel relief. I'm not weird. I'm not strange. I'm not different. Well, I am different. But I'm different for a reason. My brain is wired up differently. My brain is square when everybody else's is round. My brain has three layers and everybody else has eight. I get worried when I don't know what I'm doing. I get worried around lots of people. I get worried if things change. I'm bad at telling how people feel. I'm bad at reading people's faces. I'm bad at a lot of social things. But I'm good at things too. I'm good at Maths. I'm good at Music. I'm good at knowing right from
T
Turning Inward - Asperger Syndrome and discovery
Prologue Vignette One - Floating He floated near the ceiling, up in the front right corner of the classroom. Looking down, the six year old boy could see the top of his teacher's head and the faces of his classmates. Further down the row closest to the door he saw himself watching and listening to the teacher. The boy felt like Superman since he could now fly. He would often imagine leaving his body during times of increased stress, caused in part by the teacher herself. She wasn't exactly a mean woman, but had a harsh manner that frightened him. At home in the mornings he would sometimes become nauseous from the dread at the thought of go
M
Manifest
Ah, me leg, I shall miss ye, Latest of the lost. Aye, ye be Davy Jones' lass now, Me pretty, me foot. Gone Fer a chain shot While I were topgallant. With me left hand Now, And me parrot Jim, And much o' The lee side o' me face. I list a bit now, An' I've lost me sea leg, So I'm thinkin' now's time To leave the Pirate Round an' head for Barbary Coast With me coffers t' find the pretty lass I knew when I was But a wee thing. If she'll still take me, Perhaps I won't even miss the sea.
Comments438
anonymous's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Sign In
DarkHeARTisan's avatar
DarkHeARTisanHobbyist General Artist
Thank you for making this.
CrossoverQueenII's avatar
CrossoverQueenIIHobbyist General Artist
Damn... It's like someone just peered into my soul... I love it! It's just... It rings true for me. Even though I constantly say I have bad memory, my first actual memory is from before I could even walk or talk.jkvkd fuck  I feel like I forgot to mention that I have AS too, but then there's a part of me that's like "They probably picked up on that from the "It rings true for me." thing. But then I'm like "But wait... Did they?" and now we're here. Where I'm overexplaining things because that's just how I am. Although I have found it easier to communicate my emotions through text on a screen.
TheMasterOfAutism's avatar
TheMasterOfAutismStudent Digital Artist
I actually have Aspergers and this makes me feel good that people support this type of autism.

But I don't scream and lash at others, I get mad alot and get annoyed by so much, this is what I yell about: Whistling, people making funny noises just for fun, and people making up a serious joke and calling it one.
TheSpiritualPainter's avatar
TheSpiritualPainterHobbyist Digital Artist
Awesome piece. Well done. You put into words what I couldn't.

Having Aspergers is indeed both a blessing and a curse, but thank you for posting this. You've made me feel better about having Aspergers that's for sure. :) :huggle:
Taqresu650's avatar
Taqresu650Student Traditional Artist
I am aware that you wrote this years ago, but this is still a very powerful piece, and very deserving of the Daily Deviation. I have Asperger's myself, so this really speaks out to me. And while I can say, I've always had first hand experiences of being an Aspie, I never truly understood what that meant officially. The diagnosis was so foreign to me as a term or even as a medical condition. But now that I've really looked into what it meant. I see it in just about everything I do.
I can say we have some of the same interests, being a gamer myself. Although I normally tend to lose myself to books, movies, and television shows. I even have a childlike obsession with Lego.
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
I'm sorry for replying so late! Between work and uni, I have very little free time. I'm glad my piece still resonates with other aspies :)
Finding out you're an aspie does take a toll on you and can take years to come to terms with. I have known for at least 7 years now and I'm still coming to terms with and learning about myself. But it sounds like you're pretty close to self-acceptance.
Taqresu650's avatar
Taqresu650Student Traditional Artist
No worries, I'm replying late as well lol
I'm dealing with college, and while the people here can help compensate for some of my disadvantages in certain areas, it's still proving a difficult path to follow.
Carrier2's avatar
I am autistic and this is basically how my life has played out, with people forcing me to put on a mask. 
rainbowshine06's avatar
Wanted to say that, yes, I'm an aspie and yes, I'm proud, but I never really hid who i was or how I was feeling nor have I "put on a masquerade", I saw no reason to, I'm not going to reject a part of me and even if I did, it's not like I can change my personality, become less smart, less blunt, understand people and emotions I've never felt, so even if I had rejected the whole idea and acted as if everything was normal, I know I wouldn't be able to completely get rid of it. I also knew I should stay true to myself I did go through depression cause when I found out, I didn't just think, "Oh that's why I'm like this?" I thought, "What... what... no... I don't want a reason for being anti-social cause that means it'll be hard my entire life." After that I went into depression cause I realized how lonely I truly was (to this day lonliness is my one true fear), my grades dropped, my mom noticed something was wrong and I went to a therapist, I felt better after a few months, but there was always the lingering feeling of lonliness, until I met all my online friends. My fear of lonliness will never go away, same with my aspergers, so I find it better to accept these weaknesses (with aspergers strengths too) than it would be to try to reject them completely and always keep up a façade.
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
Firstly, I'm going to say I wrote this a couple of years ago. I have grown wiser and come to accept myself more since then.
When I wrote this, I saw the aspie part of me as a weakness; a flaw in myself making me a failure of the human race. It was only after I realised that no matter what I tried, no amount of masquerading would change the fact I was different. It was then that I tried breaking out of the masquerade - mind you, I was modeling my 'mask' after a role model whom I still look up to and admire today for traits I highly value in myself and people. But still, I noticed there was an 'us-and-them' mentality. It was only after graduating did I realise that everyone is different and that 'normal' and 'abnormal' are just terms - names.
I felt a lingering feeling of loneliness in the transition to high school and the first two years of it. I avoided people because social interaction was too frustrating and difficult. I haven't a problem now but I've had much practice in the past few years.
To be quite honest though, I wouldn't have had it any other way. By going out of my comfort zone so many times and doing things I wouldn't normally do, I gained invaluable social skills, although at a price. I was obsessed with not failing and trying to prove that despite my disability I was just as capable as a neurotypical, creating impossibly high expectations and a fear of myself and failure. I became depressed, anxious and prone to violent outbursts and gained a terrible temper. 5 years later, I am graduated from school and finally are accepting of myself and am now struggling to free myself from the shackles of negativity created during high school. But looking at my experience optimistically, I can now socialise with people quite easily with minimal awkward moments. Although, small talk, rhetoric, and sarcasm still elude me.
I guess we all have to learn and experience life lessons in our own way.
rainbowshine06's avatar
I guess I was a pretty smart kid (not trying to show an ego, but people say that) because I figured out that everyone was different in the 6th or 7th grade, I just hated that there was a reason why I was socially awkward cause then I knew it'd be a hard thing to fix.
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
We all learn in our own ways.
RonAether's avatar
Hey! I myself am an Aspie (Never heard that term before. Nice :3), and I was wondering if you might want to shoot some notes back and forth about experiences and such. I've sort of learned to work with my talents and past my weaknesses, found a few newer ways of dealing with the craziness of the outside world, and if you'd like any advice or just want to talk to another neuroweirdo (=P), I'm here and glad to help :D



ALSO!!! Edit cause I'ma derp and I forgot to do dis the first time x3, this is incredibly well written. It's so... Gah. THIS IS AMAZINGLY TRUE! I had these problems ALL MY LIFE. That thing about absorbing emotions... Oh yeah. My parents and my teachers/classmates had me in a state of CONSTANT turmoil, and I tended to lash out and push people away when really all I wanted was some quiet :|. I've since learned, however, that you can use that talent to read and pick out people's thoughts to help them in MANY different ways. And I agree, life's hard sometimes. For me personally, it's been a little easier in the past year, once I accepted who I was and found out who my real friends were. I'm so so so happy for you, making the decision to take control of this insane highway from hell we call life =P. I hope you'll have an easier time of it going forward :D
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
Hey, (that term is quite frequent online just some don't like using that term)
Sure, I'd be happy to. It has been a couple of years since I wrote this though and I have matured and adapted much, becoming wiser in how to deal with both myself and the outside world.

Yes I learned that too (as in picking up on people's troubles and sussing out what is wrong) and used it to help many people out. Like I said, I wrote this in the beginning of my troubles. I got sick of having to trying to explain to people why I was different so I gave them the link to this page instead and told them, "It's too complicated to explain in simple words, just read this". But yeah, I had a similar experience to you during high school. I became obsessed with perfection and trying to prove that my disability wasn't a burden and that I was just as capable as a neuro-typical. As one can imagine, that didn't end well with an overwhelming fear of failure and impossibly high expectations. I became so consumed by rage, frustration, anxiety, and fear that I'm convinced I developed some form of depression with anger issues. It was only in my last weeks of school did I come to terms with myself and the world around me and I finally could relinquish this overwhelming burden that I forced upon myself.
Now that that part of my life is over and a whole new bundle of challenges face me (*sarcasm*adulthood is fun!). I'm actually planning a sequel (for lack of a better term) to this as I've noticed many more things that I forgot to mention in the shoes of an aspie. I'll be writing that whenever I have free time and motivation.
RonAether's avatar
OH x3 I didn't realize the date. I thought you were younger than me ._.
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
Nah, that's fine. People make mistakes all the time :D it's what makes us human.
TheAwkwardFangirl's avatar
TheAwkwardFangirlHobbyist Writer
How did I never notice this got a DD? I'm so proud of you, you totally deserve it, fellow Aspie! :D How have you been?
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
I was drop dead surprised myself when I logged in and saw a few thousand messages!
Minus school and exams, great! How have you been?
TheAwkwardFangirl's avatar
TheAwkwardFangirlHobbyist Writer
XD

I've been good, thanks. I just got done volunteering this summer; being a junior counselor at sumer camp for the younger kids. And it's great to not have to deal with school! :D
Noratcat's avatar
Wow. This is very accurate and I don't feel so isolated anymore. But despite knowing of my disability, my parents still had a tendency to be verbally and emotionally abusive towards me.
ObiWanSkywalker178's avatar
Thanks. I don't regret posting this online. I've been able to speak with many people both disabled and 'normal' and my horizons were broadened by the many comments.
I'm sorry if I sound blunt or rude but I cannot sympathise with your family experiences as although my parents may appear harsh (in my eyes that is) they have always been supportive. What I can say though is I am glad you managed to endure those hardships and humbled me by commenting on this work :)
Noratcat's avatar
Well I do admit my parents were supportive and not completely abusive. It's just they had a tendency to be really impatient and aggressive, and often said things you really shouldn't say to your child. I would go into detail but I don't want to fill your page with my problems. I think though they did have good intentions. I believe they thought being tough with me would make me a stronger person, but failed to consider it might not work all the way.

Luckily I see a therapist now for those issues. I"m scarred but not completely broken

It feels good not to feel alone on the matters of being an aspie. Yet there are times I wonder if my traits are completely because of Asperger's Syndrome or not?
anonymous's avatar
Join the community to add your comment. Already a deviant? Sign In
©2019 DeviantArt
All Rights reserved