The bunny of doom
The wizard was confused, he was staring at absolutely nothing, now where the heck had he gotten himself this time? It was the latest craze among wizards to do what they referred to as “world-hopping” or rather dimensional travel if you were to use the correct term but this time he had to have missed his target. This was not really a world at all? It was dark, there were no stars or moon and he could faintly see the contours of a very dark landscape which appeared to be a bit unprepared to use a polite word. If you were impolite you would use words as “This looks like a freaking mess” “Now where is the janitor, is he asleep?” Or “The deity responsible for this realm must have taken a long nap”
He sighed and picked a small item out of his pocket, it was a travel guide for wizards and he opened it up and touched it with his wand. “Now, where am I?”
There was a flash of light and letters appeared in the sky right above him. It said. “Arda, under construction. Ready date; 1500-2000years from now. Constructor: Eru Illuvatar. Minor contractors: look into the catalogue of minor deities under the term Valar. Arda is for the moment closed for tours due to some minor constructional disagreements. If you have any questions please contact Eru at the address Eru at Melkorsanassholedotcom”
The wizard shook his head, great, a world under construction. Well it is better than ending up in a world under de-construction as he once had. He had landed in the middle of a darn super nova and only luck and skill had saved him from getting incinerated. The guide would have to be put up to date soon, or else someone would get hurt. So, constructional disagreements? Oh he knew of that kind of problems, the contractor responsible for the job arguing with the people working for him or it and then things got interesting indeed. He had visited a world where two deities were responsible for sharing the act of creation and my what a mess it had become. One half of the planet was baking hot and the other freezing. No, he’d better get out of there right now.
He put the guide into his pocket again but accidentally he dropped something else, he froze and stared down. Heck, how was he to find anything here? It was so darn dark, had this Eru photophobia or something? Great, well, it could not be anything important he had dropped, perhaps just one of his keys or his bottle of hair oil. It could be replaced. He grabbed his inter dimensional travel device and pushed the button, a bang was heard and he was gone. It wasn’t until later that he discovered that the thing he dropped was a rather dangerous thing, a magical shape shifting device. He growled a little to himself but decided that it was no big deal, it would probably be destroyed anyway and run out of power soon too.
What he did not know was that the small item in question had fallen into a cave where it sat peacefully and undisturbed through the entire first and second age of Arda. It was not until the third age that a sudden earthquake brought it towards the surface again and by then it still had some power left. Now, there is one thing about magic that few people are aware of, it is just like food. It is best when served fresh! Old magic is like old food, you cannot be certain of what you’ll get only that it will be nasty and painful and probably very embarrassing too. Yes old magic is like a bug really, or a virus for that matter. Trying to temper with such festering forces is like leaving a bag of shrimp in the sun for a couple of days and then trying to eat it. It will make the stomach flu seem almost cozy and nice. The small item laid there, glowing faintly with magic and just waiting for its unfortunate victim and thus this story starts.
The third age, outside of Imladris
Being a ring Wraith had its perks, he had to admit that. He was scary, he was serving the dark lord and he had great powers. He looked amazing in black and he had gotten a very cool voice too. Of course it had its downsides to, for one, he didn’t really have a body any longer and that was kind of boring in some ways. He no longer needed to eat or drink and that was something he sometimes missed and he could no longer compare the size of his you know what with those of the other guys. But all in all he was very content being a wraith, he was a servant of evil and could do pretty much every bad thing in the book, except those which of course demanded that he had a physical body.
He and his eight brothers had been travelling around looking for hobbits, he had no real idea of what a hobbit was until their master suddenly demanded that they started to go looking for one of those pesky hairy little thingies. He had taken a different route than the others just to check the perimeter as he said and now he was standing next to a strange rift in the terrain. It had to have been an earthquake or something which had made a hillside collapse and he could sense something down there, something interesting. He sensed magic and he knew that his master would be furious if he chose to ignore something that could be potentially important. He got off his big black horse and sighed, he was wearing armor damn it. Trying to climb down there wearing armor would be hard, but he wouldn’t break anything if he fell nor would he even get sweaty so he’d better be at it. The sooner he found the source of this magic the sooner he would join the others again.
He was climbing down the slope rather slowly and then he stood at the foot of it and stared at the forest surrounding a nice meadow. The magic came from a spot right ahead of him and he walked towards it while trying to look as frightening as possible. It was a small orb resting in the gras, it wasn’t that much larger than a marble and so it was not that strange that he didn’t see it at first and accidentally stepped right on it. The orb got mad, anybody would get mad if someone steps on you right and it released all of its power in one bright flash. The only thing he had time to think was “Uh-oh, is this gonna hurt?!”
The world was growing in front of him, he was utterly confused and scared and he wanted to cry for help but no sound came. When the world stopped growing he swallowed and knew that he was changed somehow, not what was this? Some sort of dark spell? If it had transformed him he just hoped that he had become something terrible, like a snake, dragon or a poisonous spider or something in that category. He looked around himself, he was surrounded by the cloth of his cape and his armor and sword and he swore as he fought to get free. Had he shrunk?! He had to have shrunk, his boots were taller than he was! Oh by Morgoth’s molars what had happened to him? He looked down and screamed. If he still had been a terrible ring wraith the scream would have been ear piercing, now it was more like “Meeeep, eeeeep”
He had paws, small paws with claws on them and they were sturdy and strong but they were paws!! He almost passed out! There was a small pond up ahead and he managed to get his new and strange body over to it, he stared at his reflection and this time he did pass out. He was a bunny! A cute little white bunny with long fluffy ears, a wet little pink shivering nose and soft blue eyes! A bunny!! A freaking bunny! He was cute, not scary at all. What would become of him now?! He could not even hear his master’s voice any longer! Oh damnation and orc shit, this sucked! He was close to tears, how could he be menacing and terrorizing now? He was a darn rodent! He tried to calm down, think in a rational way. Could the magic be reversed? Not likely since the orb had broken under his armored boots. Could the dark lord save him? Possibly, if he did find out that his servant had been transformed into a ball of fluff. And that would probably not happen very soon, the dark lord had been very busy lately.
He just had to endure being a bunny, it could not be that hard now could it? He lifted his nose and felt how all the scents there made it shiver even more. Hmm, interesting, perhaps he could do something wicked while being trapped in this seemingly innocent body? He could hop, he had good strong teeth as all rodents to and he was probably rather fast? Aw heck, who was he fooling? There is nothing menacing about a bunny! As a matter of fact the only think less menacing than a bunny is a four week old kitten. But by Morgoth himself, there had to be something he could do right? He had to be bad, be evil. He was a ring wraith, not a cute little ingredient for excellent stew. He should be the bunny of doom, terrorizing the countryside. He had to come up with some ideas. Suddenly his nose caught the scent of something and he ran over and started to stuff his face with wild carrots, he just could not help himself, it tasted so good and it felt wonderful to have a stomach to fill once more. When he was full he moaned and laid down in the grass, damn, he had forgotten about how bad a stomach ache actually feels.
He fell asleep in the sunlight and was woken up by a vibration in the ground. Hoof beats! Maybe his brethren were coming to rescue him?
He got up and stared in the direction of the approaching horses, shit, they were white! By every unholy thing known to mankind, these were elves! He would rather face a dragon with a severe migraine, he was too close to Rivendell damn it. Would they notice him? The armor and clothes were out of sight and his horse had fled, right, they would not suspect that a cute little bunny in fact was a wraith now would they? He saw the riders coming and he instantly recognized the rider in front of the group, it was that darn elf so famous for having slain a poor balrog, what was his name again, Glirf? Glorf? Glorfindel!!
Right, he had to make his master proud, but how? He got an idea, he could perhaps attack the horse and make it throw its rider and then he could jump at the elf while he was down and go for the jugular? He did have sharp teeth didn’t he? Being an herbivore doesn’t have to mean that you are harmless? Right, the riders were close now so he had to try before he lost his chance. He started running towards the horses as fast as he could teeth bared and all. He aimed for the legs of the white horse in front and then suddenly running bunny became flying bunny.
Glorfindel reined in Asfaloth and stared at the confused little animal laying on the ground shaking its head. “Asfaloth, now why did you kick that poor little thing? Look, it is hurting!”
The horse just whickered and snorted, that bunny smelled bad, it smelled as if it had taken a bath in orc dung.
The bunny got on its feet and started running in circles, his head was spinning and he wondered if mount doom somehow had landed on him. He saw something moving around him but his vision was too blurred to make out any details just yet. “Mama, is that you?”
Of course the elves heard something like “Eeeep, eeep, eeepp”
Glorfindel shook his head. “Oh no, I think my horse injured that poor little thing seriously, what should we do?”
One of the other elves dismounted and the bunny of doom tried to pull himself together. He ran straight for the elf and tried to bite his leg, the elf just jumped out of the way and stared at the apparently very angry little fur ball. “Ah, that is not normal behavior for a bunny, are you sure it isn’t sick or something? Perhaps we should end its suffering?”
The elf pulled a knife from his belt and the bunny of doom became the bunny of deathly afraid. Glorfindel shrugged. “Well, I suppose we should but bury it then, I don’t want to eat anything that is infected. It could be rabid for all we know!”
Rabid? Right, the bunny of doom tried to snarl and hop at the elf once more, perhaps they would flee? A rabid bunny would be rather terrifying wouldn’t it? The elves were laughing. “Look, it is rather adorable isn’t it?”
He almost lost it, adorable? He was terrifying! Not cute, not fluffy, terrifying!
Glorfindel stared at the bunny in confusion, something was obviously not right with this animal and the right thing to do would of course be to end it quickly. He was ready to get his bow and an arrow when another bunny suddenly appeared out of the bushes. The bunny of doom stared at the other bunny, he didn’t want to be disturbed while trying to be menacing but what the heck was happening now? The other bunny was fluttering its eyelashes and wriggling its tail and before he knew it he was screwing that other bunny like there was no tomorrow. It was of course a female and since he was a male he did what male bunnies do. Wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. And as male bunnies all do whence they come he squealed, fell over onto his side and passed out.
Now the elves were roaring with laughter. “By the Valar, I hope I never get that needy, he must have been desperate!”
The bunny of doom came to his senses again, by the eye of Sauron, that felt good, that felt fucking amazing. Damn, how could he have forgotten how nice screwing felt? Oh by the unholiest of unholy, he had to do it again! The female was still fluttering her eyelashes and doing the bunny version of “Hello there sailor, want some fun?” And so he went for it again, squealed, passed out and felt like he just couldn’t get enough. The elves were laughing so hard they all were in tears by now, Glorfindel was drying away tears from his cheeks staring at the obviously extremely horny little thing and it didn’t seem to feel satisfied even after it had banged that female at least ten times. The elf who had gotten of his horse frowned. “That kick must have injured its brain, I know that bunnies are horny creatures but that is ridiculous!”
Glorfindel had to nod. “Yes, look at the female, she is trying to escape!”
The female really was trying to escape, she had had enough and still that male was screwing like crazy. She did the bunny version of “what kind of a girl do you think I am? Enough of that mister!” but to no prevail. The bunny of doom had discovered something even better than serving the dark lord and he wasn’t gonna stop until the cows came home. The elf who was off his horse went over and kicked the male off the female, he didn’t like to see acts of violence and rape was rape even among animals right? The bunny squealed and started humping the tip of his boot. It was clinging on to his foot like crazy and panting as it went for it. The other elves were teary eyed and barely able to hang on to their saddles, they had never seen anything this funny. The bunny was screwing his boot with its tongue out of its mouth and bulging eyes, he tried to shake it off rather violently but the bunny stayed put like it had been glued to his boot. Glorfindel gasped. “Astarion, I think you have gotten yourself a suitor”
Astarion swore as badly as an elf possibly can and then he bowed down, grabbed the bunny by its neck and tossed it into the bushes. Thirty seconds later it was hanging on to his other boot and the poor elf was getting desperate, what was the matter with this bunny? Had it eaten something poisonous perhaps? There were plants which could affect animals in the most peculiar way. Suddenly a small group of bunnies ran out of the bushes and they were being chased by a ferret. The bunny banging his boot let go, ran and before they knew it the bunny was trying to screw the ferret, the small predator was so in shock it didn’t put up much resistance and when the bunny was done and passed out once more it ran to the bushes in shame and shock and utter disbelief. It had been violated by its natural prey, this wasn’t right, it was wrong in all sorts of ways!
Glorfindel stared at the scene with huge eyes, a bunny trying to fuck a ferret? It was clearly insane! If it wasn’t then something was really wrong there, had nature gone nuts? Everything else seemed to be ok so it was just that one bunny which was affected. The other bunnies gathered around the white one, curious and oblivious to the peril they were in. Then the bunny of doom woke up once more and went for it, females and males alike. The elves watched in disbelief as the white bunny tried to screw the whole flock. The elves shook their heads. ”That thing surely has got balls”
Glorfindel smirked. “A bit too much of it perhaps?”
The bunny of doom was ecstatic, it felt so good, it was wonderful. He needed more of it, so much more. Unfortunately for him there is a limit to what even a bunny can do without causing itself serious damage and since he was new to being a bunny he did not heed the warnings his body was giving him. He was banging this one brown female and it felt heavenly and just as he felt that surge of pleasure rush through him he also felt a weird pain in his chest and the world went dark once more. “I’ll wake up in a couple of seconds and continue” he thought but alas, not this time. He had suffered a heart attack and the bunny of doom lay there in the grass with its legs shivering in its last spasms and its tongue out of its mouth. Not a very dignified way to end one’s life, in special for someone that important and menacing.
The elves stared at it in disbelief. “Glorfindel? Did that bunny just fuck itself to death?!”
The golden warrior raised his eyebrows in shock. “Damn, by Galadriel’s bra, I think it did. Yes, it did in fact fuck itself to death, what a way to go guys!”
The elves shook their heads in disbelief and reluctant respect and started leaving the meadow. The other bunnies were scattering once more and Glorfindel knew that soon the body of that very unusual bunny would be found by the local scavengers. He was curious to what it was that had caused it to behave like that but he wasn’t going to touch it, no way. It could be contagious for all he knew and even though he had died once before he would prefer to stay alive for a heck of a lot longer. And if he was to die again he wanted to die fighting, not while doing something like this, what elleth could possibly survive it if he or some other ellon started acting like that? After all an ellon has a bit more endurance than a bunny and usually manages to last more than ten seconds. No, the bunny would be left to rot and the elves had a good laugh when they told the others in Imladris of the small incident.
Later that evening a fox came around and found the carcass of the bunny of doom and devoured it although it tasted like old boots. That night the soul of the wraith was magically reanimated within the fox, of course a fox can do more harm than a bunny but he had found a new addiction which was hard to beat. Two days later a hunter found a dead fox mauled by a warg, it appeared that the fox had been trying to mate with the mutated creature, it had to have been rabid for sure and the warg had eaten pieces of it. Some days later the orcs of Dol Guldur awakened to a terrible racket from the warg pens. One warg was desperately trying to mount all the others and its owner tried to grab it and pull it away before it got killed but he got bitten badly. The warg died because of its injuries and the next night the warg’s owner woke up feeling a strange and burning need. Needless to say, it wrought havoc within the barracks and for the next days there were several dozen orcs unable to walk or ride. The soul of the ring wraith managed to get transferred to a high ranking officer and managed to alert the dark lord of his problem, he was immediately incinerated and eliminated and the dark lord shivered and imagined what would have happened if this curse had been allowed to spread further. A horde of orcs trying to bang each other is not exactly a terrifyingly efficient army, he was glad he had gotten rid of this threat. He had no use for a servant with a sex addiction, heck he did not need servants with any other addictions than the addiction to violence death and evil. He was one ring wraith short of nine but what the hey, sometimes you cannot avoid making some sacrifices right? At least that one wraith had a jolly good time before he went, and that was more than what could be said about most others who perished at that time. When the eight remaining wraiths asked their master where their brother was they were given a rather strange answer which didn’t really answer their question at all. All the dark lord said was that their brother had been the unfortunate victim of some spell gone bad and good riddance! And if anyone mentioned bunnies to the dark lord he would immediately make sure that that unfortunate being was thrown into mount doom. That one of his precious servants had been transformed to a darn rodent was bad enough and the whole world didn’t need to know of it, imagine the laughter and jokes that would be made?
Some years later someone noticed that the bunnies of a certain area were larger and more aggressive than normal, as the centuries passed this trait was evolved and then in the end one bunny was left of this new breed, it was ferocious, dangerous and very very evil and it would have made its forefather very proud indeed. It caused death and destruction until a certain king named Arthur killed it using the holy hand grenade of Antioch and thus the last remainder of the bunny of doom and its destiny was wiped from the face of the earth and went down into history as nothing more than a silly little fairy tale.