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I had an entire thing typed out before, but it didn't seem appropriate. For the context of the below section, I will say that I was reached out to by two very, very close friends, who were brave enough to confide in me that they were suicidal on a particular day. It was distressing. I needed to say that sentence (1) for myself and (2) because I realize so many people who reach out worry about "burdening" people or making them worry.  If you have ever felt similarly, I can assure you, your loved ones' distress (or whoever you trust enough to come forward to) is just proof of their immense care and love for you, and they want what is best for you. It can be so easy to forget how many people love and care about you. If any of you ever need someone to listen, my notes are always open! I may not always express myself properly, but I've had very dark periods in my life. I've struggled with suicidal thoughts and attempts in the past, so I understand how dark and overwhelming it can be. Again: It's really easy to forget how many people love and care about you - the good impact you have in many lives. I know that sometimes hotlines don't seem the best options, either, but (if you don't feel comfortable reaching out to someone you know personally) I and people close to me have had great success with them and their very caring staff members. The National Suicide hotline is free and open 24/7, for those who live in the states. It's available for not only suicidal crises, but also emotional distress: 1-800-273-8255
Other countries have their toll-free hotlines, as well! 

Many places also have local hotlines, if you're looking for someone who perhaps understands your area or circumstance a bit better (should there be environmental or societal pressures of some kind) and many also have free options for counseling if you're financially strapped. These can sometimes even be attained through universities, should you be attending, or at a reduced cost should you not be attending. Counseling can also be achieved through Skype (voice, chat, and video), texting, or phone calls, should you be after something different. Just wanted to say that you're never alone, no matter how it might feel in the moment. And that you are so worth it.

I know that a lot of people tell you "it gets better," and that sometimes that hope is more a sword than the voids you can fall into. I can only say that for me, the little things got me through: the challenge of another hour. Birdsong. Sunrises. Coffee in the morning. My bare feet in the dew of the grass. Music was a huge help for me, personally. It's damn hard, but you just cling to what little lights you can find, and eventually peepholes become sunrays in the storm. You can only do your best. I still cling to those, and I've been out of the woods for over a year. It's definitely not an experience you just get over, so don't let anyone tell you there's a date for you to be better by, either. 

That seems like a sobering note to jump from, but I thought I'd share a favorite song of mine! Every time this song comes on, it makes me smile and want to dance. I'm a kitchen-sock dancer, what can I say? There's an energy about this song, and it's just so catchy! I hope maybe some of you can covet it in a similar way to me. Maybe it can even give you something to smile about? Feel free to tell me some things that have made you happy or proud, recently! Or if you've just had a sucky day, feel free to tell me all about it via notes. I don't care if we've never talked before: I'm always open to falling into new friendships and acquaintanceships! I'd love to hear from you! :heart:


I've been working on some pieces. They feel so inadequate that I actually wanted to edit them. Editing is quite hard for me. I guess it's hard for everyone, though! I've had some of them for a year. I need to stop letting them collect dust. I'm so close on one. Out of six stanzas, I have three feeling pretty solid (or as solid as they can for the way I built it). I really want to make it good. I might just have to settle, eventually. My mind feels like it might be being a bit harsh. It's progress, and I will be happy with it! Not everyone produces shining gems all the time. But yes, I'm not dying again! I'm still trying to write, it's just a bit slow.

I stumbled across this beauty in my quest to discover more gems, and I cried. This... I feel this. I can tell he feels it. That kind of expression isn't always easy.

Honestly, after these past few months, there was a tiny voice in the back of my head asking if my love was enough. If I loved like I was supposed to. Now, I feel like I betrayed myself in a sense by having those thoughts. I just kept trying to put myself out there, and I felt like I kept getting packaged and sent back to myself. I found a river of love inside so deep it made my chest hurt. I found someone I wanted to share that with. That person expressed their wish to help "fix" me. I have never retreated so violently. I may need improvements, but those are for me. I am not broken, just growing - learning, experiencing, living. But I view these all as blessings: I was sent back to myself to focus there. I need to make improvements, heal, grow and thrive. I've shifted my efforts to myself, and in trying to share love more readily with family and friends. This past month, I have felt so fulfilled that I am unsure what to do with the gratitude I feel. I guess I wanted to share that, in case any of you might be feeling similarly. There is love surrounding you. In the Earth. In your friends. In the smile of the barista who makes your morning cup. In the trees. Love is a song anyone can sing. Don't restrict its abundance in your life with rigid shapes for it to fall into. It doesn't always look how you think it's supposed to. As long as it's healthy and good for you, that's okay. You're okay.  If you keep trying to grow and love, you're perfect :heart:. That's all any of us can do.

"I'll have summer free this year." - Nullibicity 2018.

Well, I have had actual free time this year. I've just been investing it in people. This is good! I'm usually a hermit. I've been meeting people, rediscovering my hometown, traversing her mountains and sitting by her rivers. I dipped my toes back into the dating pool, and I think I'm good, for now. It seems ungrateful if I say that finding something that felt real scared me. It also showed me I have so much to work on in myself. I am grateful for that. I will do that work best alone - if I have someone else, I'll use them as an excuse to never get to it, to hide it until my issues with commitment, abandonment, and trauma float back to the surface and focus on them. Pretty sure therapy might actually be helpful, again, so I think I might delve into that. I would be lying if I said I wasn't upset that my past still has ahold of me in this regard... I don't want to live my whole life beneath someone else's hand. I've healed in most other areas, and I suppose this one just needs more time. Perhaps the right person, as well, but for now I'll focus on working on it. This, too, shall pass. 

I decided to actually spend money. No point working and saving if I can't enjoy it. I've been painting more. They have these classes I really enjoy going to, mostly because you can bring alcohol. Whenever you feel bad about your painting, you can just quote Bob Ross and drink more. Problem solved! I guess I could share them here sometime. We're doing a Monet windmill on Friday. Mine is going to turn out crooked, and I'll make up some symbolism for it. Or blame the wine. 

I've been doing aerial yoga at a studio. It's been so liberating.. the feeling of defying gravity? It's incredible. I get motion sick fairly easy, so I never thought flipping and hanging upside down could be so fun! There's nothing like the feeling of completely letting go, and being supported... knowing you can go completely lax and you won't fall. Well, so long as you've set yourself up properly in the silk. I've taken a few tumbles! 

I'm heading to Ireland before school starts back up. To meet my people, so to speak, and give my freckles a tribe. I'm really excited about that, but I'm trying not to jinx myself. 

I received a DD today. I'm really grateful. It was encouragement that even though writing anything has felt like pulling teeth, that just maybe it is still a bit enjoyable. I've been ping-ponging back and forth between trying to write, and then refusing to write, because I thought I was just doing awful. Maybe I'll keep trying, instead. 

Truthfully, I've just felt pretty useless on this site. My insecurities with my own writing have caused me to feel adrift even when trying to write feedback on other's pieces. I find myself thinking "Well, is my idea even good? Who am I to critique if I can't even write a paragraph of something?" I think I've been reading and writing a lot of research article stuff, and so writing seems so calculated, like the APA outline I have to follow. It doesn't feel free anymore. It isn't flowing. I never realized one of my major weaknesses was structuring things. I rely on flow and imagery. But writing doesn't feel therapeutic if I have to think so hard about it. Maybe that makes me a crappy writer. I was only ever a hobbyist, though, so maybe I shouldn't think about it too much. 

Here's a song! I really like this one. José's music, in general, is a treasure. (A lot of people don't know he also makes music under the name Junip. So, if you're a González fan, it's worth checking out.)




I've missed talking with some of you. My fault, of course. Tell me something about your life? Your summer? Or note me. To those of you who always manage to keep in contact with me despite my shortcomings in communication: I appreciate you. :heart:
My knees don't sleep, and direction doesn't really matter. Sometimes I wander just to wander. I've been having adventures and peaceful times. Maybe I've spent too many days running for a while, though, and it's time for walking. Maybe this metaphor doesn't make any sense. Let me start over. 

Hello. It's been a moment. I haven't really been writing, more experiencing, but I think back to the wonderful friends I've made here often. I hope you're all well. Feel free to leave a conversation in my messages, but don't feel obligated!

I quit my "civilian" job. So I will be working a single job for the summer and come school when it starts back up, but the idea is sort of refreshing. I get to watch how therapy and treatment approaches autism come fall, and I'm really excited for that. I just think it will be a meaningful and valuable experience. My psychology sleep lab will also be finishing up next year, and I'm anxious for the study's results! For those of you who are new, I'm mostly just a psychology junkie. Slash weird hippie tree-hugger. Slash music addict. Slash dork. Hola. 

Mostly, I've been listening to Lord Huron and Nahko and Medicine For the People (We Are on Time is a current fave from ol Nahko), and wandering forests and nature trails and lazy sunny days. I guess it just got me to thinking that this summer will be more open for me, for the first time in a long time. What have you guys been up to?

I have watchers here, and I'm not sure how many are active. But I take it you watched me for a reason. I have been taking more pictures lately, if that would interest some. I'll post a couple here in a second just to give you a sense for what that'd be like. Or I can just write daily musings down, they just may not be as interesting. Most are nature-based since I've been spending a lot of time with the earth. Just soaking it all in. So the question: what would you guys like from me?

Any thoughts?
Feel free to self promo yourselves, too. I can look into the works you really want to show off! Otherwise I'll just do what I do best and wander around random galleries. When I don't have direction I just tend to be a bit scatter-brained, so just pat me on the head if I'm wandering around at hours I should be sleeping. Finals are this week, so I'm just sleepwalking through them. 

All my love to you guys. x
I feel like I'm falling apart and yet back together. I don't know how to describe it other than its own cycle, and I will be better for it. For now, I'm just feeling a tad bit raw. I ducked into a bar that had some karaoke, picked up the mic and belted Hallelujah. It's just been one of those weeks. My throat still feels sore, but I think I've made some karaoke friends, so there's that. Ventured out into the snow for some photography too. I managed some I'm proud of, but I'll need to order another USB to get them.  
Some aren't a fan of Kaleo's cover because of the yelling he implements towards the end, but I dig it. There's just that slow progression of silk chords and riffs, and then this explosion. Maybe I'll practice this song. It'd be really great to get into, lose myself a bit before I found it again. I'm just in a normal rut/cycle and I'll come out the other side! Just feeling this today. 

The lovely LadyLincoln held a contest that closed at the beginning of this month, in which positivity was the central goal. Firstly, it's  an amazing concept, and one I think we can never get enough of in these current times. Secondly, if any of you don't know who LadyLincoln is, you should head on over to her page and drop her a greeting; she's basically the glue of the literature community and is a true sweetheart.



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The Winner: WhimsicalBlue
Title: Unity



Unity in Diversity by WhimsicalBlue

It can be difficult to combine text and images, but I think everything really came together in this piece to offer an evocative experience. If I can inject a tiny bit of a ramble, I think the lesson of community is desperately needed. This artwork to me expresses the desire for success and happiness, achieved through hardworking, empathetic individuals willing to connect and grow through supporting and leaning on others.

Congratulations, WhimsicalBlue! :w00t:I've noticed you give a lot of features out, so I'm really happy to be able to repay you one!


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WhimsicalBlue's Other Beautiful Works:
Music of Loneliness... by WhimsicalBlue
Poetry of Earth by WhimsicalBlueMemories Unfaded by WhimsicalBlue

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Hello, all! How's life treating you? I am fabulous, because while I have two more exams and another measure to find for my study, I got permission to use a measure that can't really be found in any other form. It's such a relief! I'm grateful the psychologist kept the measure around for 9 years and was willing to pass it our way! I'm getting really excited about this study!

I went out last night with a group of amazing people, and I had the most fun I've had in a while! It was a really nice break! I only slightly regretted it in the morning :giggle:

This soulstain may leave more of you on the fence, but the emotion... that powerful crescendo... I just feel this one on a deep, personal level. I hope some of you can like it, as well. 

Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea. It is also a series where I realize I can't count (:rofl: I numbered the last couple oddly, I realized. They have been fixed)!

You guys are absolutely lovely. It has been such a pleasure to know you, on all the varying levels. Thank you. I do not find myself able to befriend others easily, in my real life. I find myself in conflict with how to express myself openly and genuinely, while toeing around this line everyone draws around themselves - the masks we all wear to hide from such vulnerability. Sometimes it feels like the artificial is winning the war of authentic living. I desire to shake some people I meet, for a glimpse of some form of spark behind their eyes. I wonder too often if perhaps I am just living too eccentrically, too chaotically. The human experience, though, I think is this chaos of beautiful happenings and dark pits... of loving and knowing balanced with the unknown and loss. To be able to feel the freedom to be myself here, in all my chaotic forms, and to reach out with a similar openness... it is a medicine. It is a relief. It is a healing art. Thank you.
In realizing the challenges I've been having with being closed off and cemented over (cutting myself off from most people - of feeling like everyone is holding themselves inside a cage, and that I can't stray out of mine), I've been recently feeling this desire to touch others with the same level of knowledge I have of myself. I am starving for relation, for the meaning in true connection. This has just been a chain of thoughts, which have led me down a road of contemplation. It's a consuming road, but I feel the journey has benefitted me. I feel in acknowledging it, too, perhaps I can go about transforming it. 

This soulstain comes again from Matt Corby. He is a singer I covet dearly, and I do not share him readily. However, this song is pure expression - raw relation. I also thought it fit some of the conflict I was contemplating. If you could enjoy any of these soulstains, I hope it would be those from the brave Matt Corby. The courage of letting one's soul be seen, shadows and all, and of howling one's essence unapologetically... I am trying to learn this. 

I'm frustrated with my research, at the moment. I am putting together an independent study, and I can't find the right measures for two variables. I have no doubt I'll figure something out, but for right now it's causing me some unease. I'm due to present in front of some of the graduate program's members and advisors in a little under three weeks. I need the approval so I can request an ethics committee to sign off on my study. 
With a different study I'm doing related to my lab's work, I found the opposite results of my hypothesis, but those results were significant. But lord, if I hadn't have found significance in some area, I would have been in trouble (null findings don't make those overseeing me "look as good" as significant findings). Isn't the integrity of science more important? I'll stop ranting now. It just pisses me off that researchers will claim you need to keep by the integrity of the science, and then punish you for not finding significant findings, which is absolutely impossible to achieve every time. Maybe I'm just thinking about this wrong; I'm probably letting my frustration obscure too much. 
I just need to go for a walk or something, blow off some steam. And I really need to remember that I'm a student of the college before I'm its employee, and I need to start taking care of my classes first. Dang, I have some work to do, haha. But it's okay! I'll get there! 

Here's a soulstain from Dermot Kennedy, whose expressive voice begs an audience and holds them in a sort of rapture. You feel compelled from beginning to end. Or maybe that's just me. He builds this crescendo of meaning. I think An Evening I Will Not Forget is probably one of my favorites. (Can I also just say that he has stupid-pretty hands?)




What's something that has made you smile recently?  Nommy smile 
Hi, hello, hey. Perhaps?

Guys, I suck with some things. I've been trying to put my foot down in certain areas, create boundaries, so I'm not being swallowed whole. So far, I think it's working! I just went from having two meetings a month to 8 in the blink of an eye, and one leaves me 10 minutes to run to my next class. I just am forgetful already, so I'm a little hurricane of disoriented half-memories and a ton of spontaneous ambition that I sometimes even forget to let finish its course. BUT! I'm chug-chug-chugging along. I'm going to kick this program's butt. It's stressful, but when it gets warmer I'm disappearing into the woods for some camping, and taking to the rivers for some kayaking. Blissful restoration!
Do you need a smile today? This gave me one! (: I know, I know... a bit cliché, but damn do I just want to tap my feet along to this. I've been feeling a bit dysfunctional lately in my relationships, so singing along helps (in my experience)! It's a good reminder! Especially for the disheartened :hug:



Tell me a project you're working on? Or a trip you're looking forward to? Or share a song that is stuck in your head! 
I might not be around that often... and I'd sort of like to remember to leave conversation starters... in case anyone still wants to chat between my travels into the abyss.
Hello, lovely lights. x How are you all? Sorry, I've been taking this break as a break: it's been much needed. I've been able to shrug off the jacket of fatigue and feel a lot better! I'm grateful for this. I've been connecting with friends, and a recent reunion brought me so much warmth and joy. There's something about old friends... it brings back a part of yourself, and the feeling of being in their company is unparalleled. I've just been pretty disconnected from everything here. What have you all been up to? Made anything you're proud of? Feel free to link the thumbnail - or send it in a note!

I was sitting with my coffee when I remembered tomorrow's date brings my birthday. Do you ever reflect back on birthdays past and see how much has changed - and how little has changed? Is it possible to have that conflict coexist? Birthdays used to be something I dreaded and avoided, because they usually brought conflict, heartache, and isolation. It has been a long time since then, and I've not the same naïve mind that could not look outside itself to enact change and different perspectives. Although older, I'm still young, and so foolish at times, but it feels so good to know victimization is self-imposed through my actions and choices. It feels so good to know there's a whole big, wide world out there, and that despite mistakes, there are always new choices and destinations. 
I usually don't do much on my birthday, but it seems some friends want to take me out for drinks. It sounds nice. I'm looking forward to it, and this new year. It's not for resolutions or anything... it just feels like a fresh perspective. It feels like freshly healed skin. I'm going to focus on caring for myself. I received Richard Siken's new poetry collection, have already read through it once, and I'm starving to turn its pages over and over until the words become some sort of kindred. I also received a copy of Pride and Prejudiced, since I lost my previous one, so I'm looking forward to loving it until the spine bends and creases.

This whole year has just felt like a cocoon. I'm grateful for the experience. It's shown me it really doesn't matter what is in my life, but who. 

"and the best part of a bad day is knowing it's okay." Here's one of my coveted favorites. 

Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.

Squeaking by in the nick of time to make Saturday, but adding these numbers makes me realize how quickly they pass. I've been busy working and thinking about time. All I know how to do is live. It brings panic sometimes to think one day I just... won't. Such is life! Sometimes I just get those thoughts, and they can be pesky. However, I feel the warmth of the season, and I cannot control time. I can only do with it what I will until there is no more. I reunited with an old friend, and it brought me so much warmth. For the first time since I started college, I'm being hit with the hunger for books again. I'm currently digesting Jane Eyre and loving every letter. I forgot what it was to lose myself in a book... I let textbooks steal that joy a bit too much. I'm excited to have it back, and I'll hopefully be rereading some of my favorite novels! I wish you all warm feelings and love this season! Best wishes!

This soulstain comes from Gregory Alan Isakov. There's something so fragile and wistful within his songs, and the strength they pack creeps into your mind after their completion. I'd compare it to a gentle snowfall, watching the snowflakes fall and quietly tuck the world in, and you are left with diamonds and a pocketful of thoughts. You can just tell there is a deep authenticity to his music. It's a bit tantalizing. I don't know how to properly put into words everything these songs mean to me (especially The Stable Song), so I will let them speak for themselves. I really hope those of you who enjoy these enjoy this week's showcase, in particular.


Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.

I cut all my hair off, and change is a tangible taste on my tongue, like the aftertaste of a snowflake. I feel a bit rebirthed, and I think it was needed. Perhaps I just needed the physical reminder that change is not always bad. Without it, there is nothing new. There is no growth if the environment never allows a little more sunshine, a little more room. It's important to remember, too, that sometimes you need to lose something to make room for such things.

Bow-chika-wow-wow! Someone please find me a confetti cannon, because I am officially done with finals!! On top of being physically ill through the whole ordeal, and one morning after a snowstorm where I was slipping and sliding into my parking spot and having my butt hit the seat right as the 7:30am final started, I did dang good! Who even decides that an undergraduate-level, cumulative final should be worth 40% of your entire grade?? But I did really well on that final. I want to kiss every coffee place I have visited this semester in gratitude and relief. So it's a celebration day!!

This soulstain is one I love to sing along to with a coffee in one hand and with some god-awful vocal improvisation. It's also from the god Lord Huron. Enough said, as far as I'm concerned.  I distractedly heard Lord Huron for the first time in a study session and passed it off as perfectly ordinary. I added it to some lists, anyway. Then one night the songs cycled through, and I fell in love. There's this sense of transatlanticism with the deeper parts of life, identity, and the human experience,  wrapped up into their whimsical, light-hearted tunes. All of Lord Huron's music meets my soul with the name "explorer." I just love them! It's hard to have favorites, but they are pretty far up my list. Hopefully this soulstain will find most of you as fondly as it finds me. I can't hear this song without nodding my head with a smile.




Happy holidays to everyone! I hope you're all warm and happy. Anyone have any wonderful holiday plans? I hope everyone gets to see their loved ones and relax for the time they can. For the workers powering through the holiday season, I feel your pain, but sometimes it's nice to view it as giving some brightness to someone's life in a warm-hearted season. I used to really hate Decembers. They were full of ghosts (of memories), and the hole depression waited to fester in, but this year I've been embracing its beauty and the way it seems to transform people. It's nice to be in awe every now and again!
Coming at you early!

There is a sorrow nesting like birds within my bones. It is a short-lived nest, its offspring young but near enough to flight. It is not staying again this year, I don't feel. For this, I ache with gratitude. I ache for rivers not freezing cold. I still might hike through the snow. A new perspective, a new height, might be beneficial. I could follow the deer, like when I was younger. I saw a bald eagle the other day, a flying figure against the mountain. It was an awe-filled experience. His wing span was large, his form elegant.

I'm focusing on my gratitude and feeling better already!

To the soulstain! This is a near and dear favorite of mine. It has worked its way onto every one of my playlists, regardless of their initial genres, and I can't say I really regret it. I have fond memories exploring backroads with this song. Of course, I did manage to kill my car on the side of one deserted road, and I shivered in the dang thing for eight hours! So this song and I, we've bonded. It goes deep, man. As did the bill for the later visit to the doctors, and the medication to help what would become the most pesky virus I've ever received. Oops!

This song never fails to bring me reflections of myself in years past (completely unrelated to the car incident ha). Here's On and On with their song Drifting:

finals2 by Nullibicityfinals by Nullibicity

Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.

-I'm going to edit this out because it feels like whining. I knew it wasn't good to work through my wrist injuries when I sustained them two years ago, and it's no surprise both have been significantly weaker ever since. That vulnerability is probably what lead to me tweaking my arm, again. I'll just sleep with braces on it and ice it when I can. The moral of the story is to take care of your body, friends. Once you mess it up, it seems to stay a bit messed up. I might be absent more due to finals, but also because I can't extend my arm past like a 120 degree angle without breathing through some significant pain. Typing makes it twinge, so I'm doing it slowly, but will have to avoid it as much as I can outside of my job that requires it. So I'm basically repeating history, and I have nothing to whine about. I'll get it checked out after finals if it's still very painful. I just can't stop using it without losing my 2nd job, and I kind of need it.-

Today's soulstain is the lovely James Blake. Whoo, man, I love his voice. It's like wine, and silk rivers, and gentle fog embracing mountains. He wrote Retrograde at 7am after being pissed off over a phone conversation, and what I deem as a thing of beauty followed. Don't we all wish we could have such genius on the daily? I also enjoy the mixing of this soulful vocal style and electronic instrumentals (I'm always a sucker for hybrid music). Also, The Wilhelm Scream is just beautiful, and you can zone out to it. I figured anyone who is experiencing stress might like some zone-out songs to refresh themselves. Perhaps this soulstain will be disappointing, but he is incredibly talented with creating these complex musical realms. Retrograde is hard to hear in all its glory outside of the studio because of all the electronic beats, so I'm posting that version. There's one point in The Wilhelm Scream where they put a bit too much so it sounds like static, but I kind of enjoy the symbolism.



Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.

The moon hung like a sliver in the sky, and it has brought duplicity to the forefront of my mind. Have you ever stepped back and just watched people? I guess I don't really have a fully formed opinion, but I have a rock in my chest when I see how holidays are being surrendered to deals everyone scrambles for. Family has different definitions, depending on who you ask, but it seems intimacy is now foreign. Money and coupons fill our spaces, but they will never fill our chests. What happened to being with people you love and just appreciating the moment? Ignore me. Just thoughts I had when some people said how they felt bad my coworkers and I had to work the holidays. Workers work because they've been asked to; the people who go out and about choose to. If that's your prerogative, that's okay I guess; there are some deals, and sometimes you just are short on cash. I am merely musing how modern connection generally comes in the form of materialism. A silent togetherness seems to make some so uncomfortable that they feel the compulsive need to fill it. Maybe it's just me, but some of the most rewarding, memorable moments I've had with other people have been done in silence... in grieving and in joy.

Anywhoo. Rambles from my half-crazed noggin. I still have notes and such to attend to, so please give me more time with those. To the soulstain: appropriately, his music always makes me feel like I'm sleeping and waking up. I have been waiting to share this beauty. Have you ever had art that you hold so close to yourself, that part of you wants to keep it your secret forever, as if others knowing about it will take away the magic, the expression, or lessen its value? This vocalist's way with music... it spears me. He weaves a dreamscape scene, and it's half nightmare and half paradise, and I am disintegrating at the same time I am being composed of my thoughts. This song is about so much more than relationships, for me. It speaks of time, painful and mature realizations, along with transformations that do not know the words "good" and "bad." I'm also just a sucker for guitars. But yeah, take a seat, close your eyes, and see what this song raises out of you. As a side note: if you enjoyed this song, his other songs might be of interest to you. Caterpillar may be a good one to start with.

Here's Mountains of the Moon (who only has one live out, that I know of, and it's not for this beauty):



The nightmare you never asked for: 
Soulstain Saturday - weekly music recs?I wanted alliteration; don't judge my poor choices. I live on coffee and music, so you can't expect too much from my lacking husk.
I wanted to share some of the music that gets into my soul and breathes with me for its duration. Songs that remind me of vulnerability and what it is to bleed... raw, alive, and breathless. It feels liberating to share such things... or at least for me. The autumn wind is whispering invitations through my window, and I have assignments covering half my floor. I want to chase it, race it... but another time. For now, this is as far as I will breathe procrastinate.
This week's recommendation is one of my near-and-dear favorites. The stripped version is one I cherish, because you can see the soul in his eyes and hear it in his voice. This expression is breathtaking - the force is tremendous. Whenever I watch this, I lose myself in time, and my chest overflows with rivers I trace ba
Soulstain Saturday #2 - riptides and wavesSoulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea. I'm rather partial to Indie music.
Dean's expression here always gets to me. It's not the fact that this song has served as a confidant of sorts on long walks. The way his body bends and moves with this piece, and how towards the end he is a part of his own composition. It's the way his heart has become the moon for this tide, how he has been slammed into the rocks at the end, and perhaps it never stops. I love how relatable this piece is, too: memory, youth, purpose, familiarization, excavated chests.
Right now, I hate my writing, so I've just been leaving it tiny places. At least for the moment. Maybe this perspective is just under the eyes of stress. I stargazed in the middle of the mountains, away from reception and houses, until midnight had waved goodbye, and I came to terms with the way things come back and go. Sometimes, I think they are the proof
Soulstain Saturday #3Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea. I'm rather partial to indie music.
I'm so tired of tragedy. I feel like that's so childish to say: life is pain. The cessation of that pain is what allows us to feel the peace. I've been wandering beneath Autumn's underbelly with these thoughts, and sometimes it's just a bit too cold. I still will remain mostly inactive: my free time is very limited. I hope you're all still creating.
The Psychology lab I'm employed in is conducting a longitudinal study, and we're almost finished inputing the data from Time1, and Time2's data isn't far behind. I'm hoping this means the director can make an analysis in a year or two. It's a double-blind study, and I'm really interested in learning about her findings. Though I have a hunch.
Enjoy these beauties. Though Sandman is a cover, he is exquisitely good at making compositions uniquely hi
Soulstain Saturday #4Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
Bit of a late start to the day, brewing some coffee, and then I might hop on the elliptical for a bit. I did legs on Wednesday and good LORD. I almost couldn't walk for the following two days. But my legs also felt like mini hulks, and sore muscles are sort of nice.
I went to a Halloween party yesterday. First time I've dressed up in years. I went as Little Red, and luckily got with a big group of wonderful people.
In regards to the responses on my last journal entry: I just wanted to thank everyone. I felt a bit overwhelmed by the kindness and warmth and had to leave it for a bit. I will try to reply this week.
This week's soulstain is from Lewis Capaldi, who reminds me a bit of Hozier at times, and who will definitely be hitting it big soon. I can just feel it. I love how his voice is like a well, an echoing depth, and those gravel vocals
Soulstain Saturday #5Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
I'm feeling dramatic today. Don't mind me. Seriously: don't.
I've been shuffling into different hermit crab shells, shuffling along a beach, without the words, without a sense of navigation, but the push of waves on the absence of an exoskeleton leaves me hungry for life, in a raw way. The sand beneath me leaves me pushing forward to find an imprint. I'm going to find it.
Today's soulstain is a beautiful display of the power of words, in two different mediums, combined to create this incredible experience that is felt more than it is heard. For me, anyway. I remember writing in my first "poetry" journal when I was eleven years old. I caressed the spine of this journal the other day, reading the documentation of my young thoughts. The demons I had then were different to the ones I have now, and that gives me immeasurable hope. I cannot write to the fi
Soulstain Saturday #6Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
When I happen to remember it's Saturday. Last week didn't go too well. Perhaps few of you really like these journals, but onto the music, regardless! I'm feeling good today.
Oh, Lewis Watson. Lewis, Lewie Watson. Sam will love me for this week's soulstain (I swear she'd start a cult for his music). If you're not acquainted with Sam, she shares my face (stole it from the womb) and is always a writing inspiration. (SoundlessWhispers)
From sessions done in his bathtub, to sessions in old laundry rooms, this artist shows that music can be an inner force for genuine expression. I mean, if you can sing a song, all curled up in a bathtub, and still have it seem like the most perfect form of spirit... you're doing something right. This song holds a special place, for me, and I'm a big fan of the Mahogany Sessions (they give so much soul to their camera
Soulstain Saturday #7Hello, lovely lights. x
Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
To those exhausted students, the break is almost here! You've worked hard, and it's time to sleep, get out into the world, and laugh under a cloudy sky. Also, sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. It would be an appropriate time for writing, too, and please do link me to anything you're creating and proud of!
To those who still have the work hustle, let's do this thing! I am cracking my knuckles, and my neck, and my shoulders, and my feet (pesky, tense things that they are), and I'm ready to tackle this week. Music is always a helpful force when it feels like you're running on empty - well, and caffeine. Caffeine helps, too, and as far as I'm concerned it also runs through the veins of multitasking royalty. (A song I've been enjoying between caffeine bouts is Lou Lou by Albin Lee Meldau. Every time I have it playing though, pe
Hello, lovely lights. x

Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.

To those exhausted students, the break is almost here! You've worked hard, and it's time to sleep, get out into the world, and laugh under a cloudy sky. Also, sleep. Sleep, sleep, sleep. It would be an appropriate time for writing, too, and please do link me to anything you're creating and proud of!
To those who still have the work hustle, let's do this thing! I am cracking my knuckles, and my neck, and my shoulders, and my feet (pesky, tense things that they are), and I'm ready to tackle this week. Music is always a helpful force when it feels like you're running on empty - well, and caffeine. Caffeine helps, too, and as far as I'm concerned it also runs through the veins of multitasking royalty. (A song I've been enjoying between caffeine bouts is Lou Lou by Albin Lee Meldau. Every time I have it playing though, people give me raised eyebrows and a "wtf" face. Sam gave me a bitch face on the drive to school. I had that reaction initially, but then it wiggled its way into my brain, and I figured it was kinda catchy and nice. It's a nice thing. It's like it's trying to be three things at once. I find that fusion delicious, and I love it. It also strikes me as a good bathroom-hairbrush-is-a-microphone song: once you've heard one verse, there aren't too many other words to forget.)

I've officially been put in charge of the independent psych study. I was prepared for that, anyway, so I'll just try and read and read and read. Developing an understanding of the study concepts is essential. Then hopefully I can start to write a proposition for the IRB to check off that we're not planning to torture human subjects, just have them fill out a questionnaire. I will probably just need to look up an example, because I'm still obviously a complete naïve sheep to a lot of this stuff. Speaking of work, I need to make more coffee. The information is actually sticking in my head, though, and I have to admit to feeling somewhat competent regarding this topic. That makes me feel good! I'll keep chugging along. I also was notified of a summer program that would pay me $6,000 for collecting data and putting together projects full time. I think I might apply. I mean, that'd pay for my tuition.

I apologize for my scatterbrained journal today. I have seen flashes of my future, and it looks like me cleaning random items at midnight. I found myself pulling out kitchen drawers, emptying them and cleaning everything inside, around, and sideways. Nevermind that I should probably be doing other things. I should definitely be doing other things. I just sometimes get the urge to clean something top to bottom (last week, I tackled the bathrooms with bleach). I also am questioning how many orange peelers someone can own. I have some in every color. I'm thinking everyone just kept losing them. Never again :mwahaha: I reorganized everything, too. And now I'm positive I'm just procrastinating my essays and my articles. If you would all give me a slow clap here.

To the soulstain! I freaking love Ben Howard. He can steal my soul whenever he would like to. I'll leave it on the porch for him to pick up. Here's one that always gives me some pause... though all of his songs are phenomenal, in my mind. They take me to different worlds. There's always something so real just below the surface, surging and receding like waves. Before the live-lovers come after me with a knife, I chose the official version because while Ben's concerts are captivating, I feel you can't always hear how much beautiful detail gets incorporated into his songs.







And, in case this isn't annoying you enough. Penguin :partypopper: Ta-da, your nightmare-come-true:
Soulstain Saturday #6Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
When I happen to remember it's Saturday. Last week didn't go too well. Perhaps few of you really like these journals, but onto the music, regardless! I'm feeling good today.
Oh, Lewis Watson. Lewis, Lewie Watson. Sam will love me for this week's soulstain (I swear she'd start a cult for his music). If you're not acquainted with Sam, she shares my face (stole it from the womb) and is always a writing inspiration. (SoundlessWhispers)
From sessions done in his bathtub, to sessions in old laundry rooms, this artist shows that music can be an inner force for genuine expression. I mean, if you can sing a song, all curled up in a bathtub, and still have it seem like the most perfect form of spirit... you're doing something right. This song holds a special place, for me, and I'm a big fan of the Mahogany Sessions (they give so much soul to their camera
Soulstain Saturday #5Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
I'm feeling dramatic today. Don't mind me. Seriously: don't.
I've been shuffling into different hermit crab shells, shuffling along a beach, without the words, without a sense of navigation, but the push of waves on the absence of an exoskeleton leaves me hungry for life, in a raw way. The sand beneath me leaves me pushing forward to find an imprint. I'm going to find it.
Today's soulstain is a beautiful display of the power of words, in two different mediums, combined to create this incredible experience that is felt more than it is heard. For me, anyway. I remember writing in my first "poetry" journal when I was eleven years old. I caressed the spine of this journal the other day, reading the documentation of my young thoughts. The demons I had then were different to the ones I have now, and that gives me immeasurable hope. I cannot write to the fi
Soulstain Saturday #4Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
Bit of a late start to the day, brewing some coffee, and then I might hop on the elliptical for a bit. I did legs on Wednesday and good LORD. I almost couldn't walk for the following two days. But my legs also felt like mini hulks, and sore muscles are sort of nice.
I went to a Halloween party yesterday. First time I've dressed up in years. I went as Little Red, and luckily got with a big group of wonderful people.
In regards to the responses on my last journal entry: I just wanted to thank everyone. I felt a bit overwhelmed by the kindness and warmth and had to leave it for a bit. I will try to reply this week.
This week's soulstain is from Lewis Capaldi, who reminds me a bit of Hozier at times, and who will definitely be hitting it big soon. I can just feel it. I love how his voice is like a well, an echoing depth, and those gravel vocals
Soulstain Saturday #3Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea. I'm rather partial to indie music.
I'm so tired of tragedy. I feel like that's so childish to say: life is pain. The cessation of that pain is what allows us to feel the peace. I've been wandering beneath Autumn's underbelly with these thoughts, and sometimes it's just a bit too cold. I still will remain mostly inactive: my free time is very limited. I hope you're all still creating.
The Psychology lab I'm employed in is conducting a longitudinal study, and we're almost finished inputing the data from Time1, and Time2's data isn't far behind. I'm hoping this means the director can make an analysis in a year or two. It's a double-blind study, and I'm really interested in learning about her findings. Though I have a hunch.
Enjoy these beauties. Though Sandman is a cover, he is exquisitely good at making compositions uniquely hi
Soulstain Saturday #2 - riptides and wavesSoulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea. I'm rather partial to Indie music.
Dean's expression here always gets to me. It's not the fact that this song has served as a confidant of sorts on long walks. The way his body bends and moves with this piece, and how towards the end he is a part of his own composition. It's the way his heart has become the moon for this tide, how he has been slammed into the rocks at the end, and perhaps it never stops. I love how relatable this piece is, too: memory, youth, purpose, familiarization, excavated chests.
Right now, I hate my writing, so I've just been leaving it tiny places. At least for the moment. Maybe this perspective is just under the eyes of stress. I stargazed in the middle of the mountains, away from reception and houses, until midnight had waved goodbye, and I came to terms with the way things come back and go. Sometimes, I think they are the proof
Soulstain Saturday - weekly music recs?I wanted alliteration; don't judge my poor choices. I live on coffee and music, so you can't expect too much from my lacking husk.
I wanted to share some of the music that gets into my soul and breathes with me for its duration. Songs that remind me of vulnerability and what it is to bleed... raw, alive, and breathless. It feels liberating to share such things... or at least for me. The autumn wind is whispering invitations through my window, and I have assignments covering half my floor. I want to chase it, race it... but another time. For now, this is as far as I will breathe procrastinate.
This week's recommendation is one of my near-and-dear favorites. The stripped version is one I cherish, because you can see the soul in his eyes and hear it in his voice. This expression is breathtaking - the force is tremendous. Whenever I watch this, I lose myself in time, and my chest overflows with rivers I trace ba
My mortality hangs like a picture frame in my mind. I must not reminisce. I must go outside, breathe in the air, and go about my day. For now, I allow myself contemplation. I wiggle my bones, bones that will never move more easily than they do now, in this moment. I feel loss for this present that will never be again, at the same time I feel very much a part of it. Going to parties and spontaneously choosing directions, however small, is a drop of heroin on my tongue. I feel wild. I feel infinite. I feel a snapshot in a series of moments that I’m unsure if I’ll remember, but my blood will remember, and my body will have weathered it, and come my end there will be no disputing that experience was had. There is no disputing a full heart. I aim to fill that heart. I don’t want to live half empty. I want to drink all of the experiences I can. I keep telling myself “later, later,” but I don’t know if later is coming. I do not know if it wears the face I am expecting. I keep getting sidetracked. I don’t want to wake up at 50 telling myself I have done what I need to and never have lived because of it. Surely, there is a balance somewhere, between crafting a career and experiencing your world. Surely, it exists. I see so many living the “later” mentality. I hear so many older than me telling me not to waste my time, at the same time encouraging me to start my career early and get a head start. That’s what I’ve been doing, but will I regret it? Time will give the slow answers. Instead of being frozen, waiting, I will flow like a river down the channels I am allowed. Life is a wheel, and it turns and turns, faster - change is always in the air. One day, I long to embrace it, fully.

I have been feeling so confined and tired. I want to go howl with the coyotes. I want to start something I've never tried before. I want to paint a bright blue sky. I want to race a river and then dive in with the fish; I want to sit beneath the surface and watch the sun join two worlds. Tomorrow, I think I'll make an adventure.

An adventure a day keeps the panic/uncertainty at bay.


I love how the artist incorporated footsteps to this borrowed narration. Gravel, crunching. Time. I heard this one morning, drinking my coffee, watching the trees and the birds, and I cried out the weight until I was relief. What a free thing I was, in that moment.
Soulstain Saturday is an awful display of alliteration for the purpose of sharing music that slips inside my soul and stays for tea.
When I happen to remember it's Saturday. Last week didn't go too well. Perhaps few of you really like these journals, but onto the music, regardless! I'm feeling good today.

Oh, Lewis Watson. Lewis, Lewie Watson. Sam will love me for this week's soulstain (I swear she'd start a cult for his music). If you're not acquainted with Sam, she shares my face (stole it from the womb) and is always a writing inspiration. (SoundlessWhispers)
From sessions done in his bathtub, to sessions in old laundry rooms, this artist shows that music can be an inner force for genuine expression. I mean, if you can sing a song, all curled up in a bathtub, and still have it seem like the most perfect form of spirit... you're doing something right. This song holds a special place, for me, and I'm a big fan of the Mahogany Sessions (they give so much soul to their camera angles and scenes). I felt particularly drawn to this version because Lewis takes the acoustic route to this well-loved song, and his decrescendos and echoing repetitions take on tangibility. It's like I can feel the lines in a space inside me. Maybe my volume is just up too loud. The vocal contrast within the line "what if we were never meant to glow" is one detail that makes this version my all-time favorite. 


(Dear words:
 I am a well
run dry.)
- Jacob Banks' song Monster has been my jam lately. Mostly in the kitchen, with fuzzy socks, so I can slide across the room. P.s. he's an amazing artist. I guess I've been on a bit of an electronic kick, lately... straying from my acoustic indie corner feels like a betrayal, sometimes (but it's oh so rewarding).

- I'm finally getting around to purchasing Richard Siken's new book. I'm sure I'm going to like it as much as his other one. I am so excited! I am ready to question my life, and carry it around everywhere. Crush is in my backpack for easy access. When I looked up his statement about the book, he mentioned this one dealing more with death and timelines where his previous book dealt with the overarching theme of panic, so I'm sure that'll make it even more poignant. Time has been on my mind a lot, lately. And my mortality.

- The group unrealists is recruiting members, if any of you are interested!

- LadyLincoln is asking if people would like to change their icons and join her lung cancer awareness avatar support army! It's just a nice way to do something for such a painful and heartbreaking issue. She's even doing features for those who help to raise awareness! Take a peek: Lung Cancer Awareness Support: Mini-Feature

- My conference went awful at first. I pulled it back together towards the end, and I ended up with a good contact. He wants to work on an independent project with me, in a similar area to what my presentation was about. I am crossing my fingers that we might see some significant findings. I am meeting with him tomorrow to get the ball rolling. If, if, if everything goes well, we'll be able to publish this in a journal. But I won't let myself think that far ahead. I have to do the baby steps, first! Also, it could totally crash and burn.

- This last week has been crazy busy, and it's only going to get worse. Apologies in advance. I'm still here to talk: note me!