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You, whose phoenix feathers
are not visible to a passerby:
I see you.

Do not weigh your purpose
like a grain of sand on the beach:
ordinary, plentiful – there is no one
that shines like you. Did you know that

sand can turn into glass?
You are not a pit of uncertainties
but your own kiln of memories.

You do not speak for the sake of speech;
you listen in creation and drape your sun
alongside people’s shadows to illuminate
the space within them.

Do not hammer your worth to faces
or numbers: there is no price tag
for the way the moon loves the ocean,
the sun the mountains, the rivers the stone.
None can give love to the night, the silence,
the spaces, in the way that you do.  
You are a bookmark life has lovingly
pressed into pages, recognition of the words;
you are the glare in the ripples of water,
discovering change. Do you know that

over and over,
I’ll always pick you.
I have been writing like crazy, lately. I think it helps with stress. They're all just unpolished messes, at the moment.

I might be destined to say goodbye to my friend, soon. "Best friend" does not describe the support she has given me, the light she has shown me in my darkest times, the thoughtful actions she gives sometimes in times when she has no extra time. I am waving my handkerchief, giving my blessing, and it hurts, but it's right. Distance does not affect memory, or future communication, and I want to polish this piece over the coming months and gift it to her.

Do you have any thoughts/suggestions? Or, if this is easier, pick a bullet, if you feel so inclined. There are some that allow you to rip into this, and I say have at it! I am too close to see the problems here, at this moment. I love, in general, like a cliché... it frustrates me a tad.

:bulletblack: I'm worried some of my metaphors might have been too cliché. What are some you didn't like? Could this be changed with different verbiage, or are they trash, in your mind?
:bulletblack: I'm struggling with the fourth stanza. Thoughts?
:bulletblack: What emotions did you feel upon reading this piece?
:bulletblack: How's the ending for you? It's bordering on cliché, but has it dropped into it?
:bulletblack: Which part is the weakest/your least favorite? If you have several, feel free to state them all! It'd be extremely helpful to me if you could include why you feel that way, too!
Add a Comment:
 
:iconnosedivve:
nosedivve Featured By Owner Jan 2, 2018   Writer
Hi! So, I've read this poem a few times, and I get something new from it on every read. I really like how effortlessly sweet and genuine it is. There are some really good parts in here that just make me want to curl up with it, drinking hot tea on a rainy day, and I'd know everything is okay. It's definitely a nice, warm feeling. I think the fifth stanza is my favorite, and your line breaks were smartly chosen. 

Why don't you feel that great about the fourth stanza? The only part that threw me was "in creation"--I wasn't sure what you meant by that in the context of it all. Other than that, I really liked it. The prosaic statement in the first line juxtaposed well with the lines that followed. And I really like what those three lines meant, face-value and otherwise.

I don't quite understand the first stanza, in my opinion. I mean, I know what it means, but it seems like an extra detail that never is explored again. Since this is a poem you wrote for someone else, I would leave it if it makes sense to both of you. If you wanted my suggestion, however, I would cut the first stanza. As a reader, I already know that you can see and/or are talking about the "you" character. 

The only bit I felt was teetering on cliché was this--"there is no one that shines like you." I think you can get away with simply removing that little bit. In my opinion, it reads better without it as that concept it almost already implied. But it's much stronger with the narrator saying (I'm paraphrasing here): "You may think you're an insignificant piece of sand, and you are sand. But sand is so vital and important. It can be more than just a mote of sand."

I think that the ending worked out really well. I didn't think it bordering on cliché. I really liked that ending.

Overall, you have a great poem here. :heart:
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Jan 20, 2018  Hobbyist Writer
I wanted to genuinely thank you for your honest feedback. I really appreciate it. I will work on a reply later in the week, if that's okay. I'm sorry if I left it for so long. :hug: Have a great weekend, hun
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:iconnosedivve:
nosedivve Featured By Owner Jan 21, 2018   Writer
You’re more than welcome, lovely! Totally, take your time. :glomp:
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:iconmuteloop:
muteloop Featured By Owner Sep 25, 2017
If I were your friend you wrote this poem about, I'd be weeping with happiness.
Reply
:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Thank you for the feedback. I really appreciate that! I won't feel as nervous when the time comes to give it to her.
Reply
:iconmuteloop:
muteloop Featured By Owner Edited Oct 2, 2017
Bullet; Black I'm worried some of my metaphors might have been too cliché. What are some you didn't like? Could this be changed with different verbiage, or are they trash, in your mind?

What you're nervous about coming off as cliched here, is only simple directness, there's a childlike tone, of simply and truly telling someone you love them. It feels unified, and intentional, and there's not a moment that feels false. The only cliche I could point to would be the title, were it not perfect for the piece, a repurposing of a hackneyed bit of pop wisdom, which here, regains its truth-content.

Bullet; Black I'm struggling with the fourth stanza. Thoughts?

I struggle with the juxtaposition of the prosaic and the poetic, and where one image might be too powerful for a subtler piece, or a simple phrase might interrupt a series of images.

"You do not speak for the sake of speech"

is followed up by some lovely imagery. Talking for the sake of talking, is a thing that I might bitch about. I'm trying to guess what your problems with this stanza might be, and that's all I can come up with. It's effective, the jump, from simple statement to flow of weird images. I'd like to say something's bad, so that you might believe me when I say nice stuff.

Bullet; Black What emotions did you feel upon reading this piece?

Simple love, friendship, the weirdness of being, the filters on perception, a need for reciprocity, it's like you held my spirit's hand and smiled bashfully at it.

Bullet; Black How's the ending for you? It's bordering on cliché, but has it dropped into it?

It's simple and effective, and touching. Don't even trip.

Okay, thought. I'm looking for things to tear apart, so.

over and over,
I’ll always pick you.

How many times must you choose, again, beyond the first. How many times a day are you being asked to choose, and out of what assortment of people. I'd guess, from the rest, that you have chosen, once and for all. You want to tell the person 'I've chosen you,' with finality, and please oh please, don't ever get bored of me. This is me wildly speculating, and pulling stuff out of nowhere, or my own psychological weirdnesses. I like it, I think it wraps up the piece nicely. :P

Oh and then I read your description section, and found out that, okay nevermind. I'm just taking the shit in my own head for the whole of reality, probably again. You also said to pick a bullet. I guess I picked all of them.

Bullet; Black Which part is the weakest/your least favorite? If you have several, feel free to state them all! It'd be extremely helpful to me if you could include why you feel that way, too!

No can give love to the night, the silence,
the spaces, in a way such as you.

I would change that to 'in the way that you do.'
idunno, because I'm pedantic, and it seems more precisely correct to me.

That is all.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Edited Nov 7, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Also, this: "it's like you held my spirit's hand and smiled bashfully at it."

Can I put this on a resume? I feel like this is a good quality... holding spirit hands :rofl:


p.s. " You want to tell the person 'I've chosen you,' with finality, and please oh please, don't ever get bored of me."
You're exactly right. So it's kind of a dedication saying "look how awesome you are" and then my insecurities rage a bit. Good catch.
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:iconmuteloop:
muteloop Featured By Owner Nov 8, 2017
bwahaha. Geeze null. Blowing up my inbox every second of every day, with the comments over here.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Nov 7, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
Obviously I never thanked you for this, and I wanted to correct that by saying I really, really appreciate this. Like, beyond what I can express. You didn't have to, and I just appreciate it.
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:iconmuteloop:
muteloop Featured By Owner Edited Oct 2, 2017
oh and I was confused by, but then forgot about

No can give love to the night, the silence,
the spaces, in a way such as you.

That probably oughta be 'None,' there, right? Or maybe it oughtn't, and that's just an uncommon phrasing, that works there. It jumped out at me a bit, as odd, in terms of conventional grammatical structures, but if that's a conscious choice, I'm not bothered by it.
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:iconthecrownofwinter:
TheCrownOfWinter Featured By Owner Sep 24, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
I do not think that they are too cliche at all. I found them beautiful metaphors for love, that yes have been used before, but that does not mean they can't be used again.

The fourth stanza seems a little less full than the other ones, but I think it reflects the message of that stanza. If you want to elaborate on why that stanza is bothering you or what problems you're having in this part, I might be able to give more advice.

It made me think of my own loved ones who I feel embody this poem

I agree the ending was bordering on cliche, but again I feel that it was a good way to end the poem.

I don't think I have a least favorite part. The entirety of the poem flowed well and your wording was spot on.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
I was so happy and grateful that someone took their time to leave feedback here. You also left this comment very quickly, and it eased some of the tension in my knuckles. Thank you for your thoughts. To read you reflected on your loved ones made me smile. I think I accomplished something, then! :hug::rose:
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:iconthecrownofwinter:
TheCrownOfWinter Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2017  Hobbyist Digital Artist
You did accomplish something, and you should be proud! This is a very elegant and beautiful poem.
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:iconnullibicity:
Nullibicity Featured By Owner Oct 3, 2017  Hobbyist Writer
:tighthug: You're very kind. Thank you, again! :heart:
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