my stepmom used to make me quesadillas on sunday sometimes and at random sometimes for meals. nothing special, just butter on the tortilla, shredded cheese on top of it and grilled in the pan. its a real long time since i remembered that. its been years hasn't it since i've one of them. man i really miss my stepmom
i can still smell the quesadilla cooking on the pan, the taste of the cheese and the relative crunch of the tortilla.
or at the very i miss the days before the divorce™, not that it was always great, of course it wasn't, however...
there is always a however. always another memory. always a huge part of me that won't let go. so im stuck between a me that wants to forget everything before the divorce and one that needs to remember the good times to get by. nostalgia helps
but when nostalgia is also the thing that triggers your PTSD, well that's when you have a dilemma
they tasted very good the quesadillas. not exactly healthy but oh well
despite my stepmom's emotional instability she did try her best to care for us. too bad everyone else in my family either doesn't care about her at best or loathes her at worst
guess im the last one who still has feelings for my stepmom despite causing the divorce. and as much as hate to admit it i really do still love her.
problem is my bio mom don't love her. neither does my stepdad. and despite loving all three of them that hate each other, and being stuck between those decades long feuding that started when i was barely 3, well, i guess its even worse then being stuck between my own brain.
because i don't love my brain. hell i don't even love myself.
but i loved my parents, i still love the parents that hate each other.
shame shame shame...
shame things couldn't have been different i guess, but what can i do about that now? no the best i can do is just use some of the memories of good times to get me through the bad
so i reminisce, let my brain remember bits and pieces sometimes. and it makes me feel better