literature

It has been a while

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By Nocturnaliss
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Literature Text

It has been a while, my friend.
How have you been?

Life has changed so much since you've been gone.

Do you remember what you said to me,
Five years ago,
When I last held your hand in mine?

"Don't miss me."

I'm sorry to have disappointed you.

Do you see the sky from where you are?
Are you watching the same fiery sunset?
Are you thinking about our time together,
When you used to knock on my head
Whenever I compared the sky to your hair?
Do you remember me?

Life is not the same. I am not the same.
I see you wherever I go.
I jump at the screech of tires.
And I remember the blank stare in your eyes.

"Don't miss me."
How can I not?
I have tried and failed so many times
That I have stopped trying altogether.
You know I have.
I think I saw you, that one time.
You didn't look like an angel at all.
"I told you not to miss me," you laughed.
But you were dead serious.

I'll try not to miss you my friend,
But you know I can't guarantee that.
Even now that my life is starting to make sense.
You'll always be a part of it.

For now, let us watch the sunset. Together.
Because I can't find any other title. <<

Been meaning to write this for a few days. As I finally (FINALLY!) started writing again, I figured I'd diverge just a tad from today's world-info-writing to get this penned down.

See in it what you wish :) interpretations interest me.

(I have no idea in what category I should put this ._.)
Published:
© 2017 - 2021 Nocturnaliss
Comments15
anonymous's avatar
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Lishao's avatar
I like this because I used to tell women something similar. "you are not allowed to love me" but it's not about me it's about you and this poem.

Allow me to read it properly. XDDD

The agonizing of missing someone when they don't miss you is excruciating.

You constantly wonder if they think about you maybe even half as much as you do them.

You wonder if they feel like you do even just a little bit.

And you become bitter, and bargain, and reason, until you eventually accept that they just don't miss you.

So you settle for something, anything that lets you have one more moment.

You tell yourself this is it.

But it never is. But you wish it was. But it never is.

Spectacular 
Nocturnaliss's avatar
Interesting. I like that your interpretation takes a different route from the deeper meaning of my piece << a valid one, though XD. Do you often wonder whether people miss you or think about you? 
Lishao's avatar
Honestly I used to. Because if they did then they would make some sort of effort to do something about it like I was. Eventually I realized they were in violation of Life Philosophy #1.

I supposed I learned to stop caring. I dont forget. But I dont care. 

Because in the end deep down I don't really want them to think about me or miss me. 

I just want them to have the moment of self realization that they were wrong and I was right. Or that they fucked up and made a poor choice. Or that maybe life really wasn't so bad with me.

Just a moment for that illumination, that's all I'd love to see, witness, or get some sort of word or confirmation on.

And i'll dance in moonlit petty glory.
Nocturnaliss's avatar
Things is, you can think about a person and not hear them, not talk to them, for months on end... to feel like not a day has gone by when you do again hear from them. You'd think there are enough hours in a day to send a message to someone else, but somehow there isn't always. Or maybe it's just that life takes precedence in other ways. That doesn't mean you're forgotten, though.

But it's a bit exagerated to think that you were right and they were wrong, isn't it? My reasoning is thus: even if to you it seems wrong and that people made a wrong choice, from their perspective the decision may have been the right one, making you effectively wrong from their perspective. Right and wrong can be so subjective that they lose all meaning in certain situations, save in the eye of the beholder.

Ultimately, waiting for such a moment, as you describe, is like waiting for pigs to fly. Sure, it may happen one day, but what are truly the odds?
Lishao's avatar
There's ALWAYS enough hours in a day.

It takes 30 seconds to send a text message.
5-10 minutes for a phone call.
15-30 minutes to write an email.
45 - 60 minutes to write an old fashioned letter.
Any of the sort to visit in person or meet up for a meal.

I absolutely reject anybody who says they have "been meaning to contact" or they "didn't have time" Yes they do. They just didn't want to. And they don't want to admit that they did not want to. Because if they did, the would have.

There's 24 hours in a day. 7 days in a week  4 weeks in a month. 12 months in a year.
I refuse to accept that in 24 hours in 1 day you couldn't find 30 seconds to send a text message.
I refuse to accept that in week you could not find 30 minutes to write an email.
I refuse to accept that within a month you could not pick up the phone and call or find 15 minutes to grab a burger. 

It's horseshit and a blatant disrespect. It's a conscious decision to not engage. Im busy. you're busy. we are all busy with life. But in life you have to make time for people as well as manage your relationships. And that involves conscious decision making.

I don't live in a world of abstract interpretation. In my world there are clear defined lines of right and wrong. When I say someone is wrong, it can be backed up with absolute fact that their choices or actions in said event were wrong and resulted in negative aftermaths.

Personally and professionally everything is black or white. it is or it isn't. there is no gray area or opine interpretations. There is only verified fact and science and data. Logic and reasoning. an undisputed truth.
Nocturnaliss's avatar
Ohoho we're so gonna disagree on this. XD

And especially on this: 'Personally and professionally everything is black or white. it is or it isn't. there is no gray area or opine interpretations. There is only verified fact and science and data. Logic and reasoning. an undisputed truth.'

Oh my god so much no. So, so so so much no. Dear gods no. I wish there was a stronger word than no but all that comes to mind is grumpy cat. :grumpycat: 

Everything is shades of grey. Science is an excellent example of how things are not black and white: what is truth one day, can be disproved the next day. Why? Because research, which in itself requires shades of grey within which a scientist can ask 'what if' and explore. If you decide you're right and the other is wrong because you're right, then you're essentially nullifying any and all need for social contact. And also putting another in a position of forced submission that is likely not to end well.

Like your saying 'I refuse to accept': well, that is indeed your truth; if someone says 'I've been meaning to send a message', that is their truth. And if you tell such a person 'you're a liar', then you're forcing your own truth upon them, effectively disrespecting and dismissing the other person.

A person can mean what they say. There can be many reasons why they don't do something. I could be absent for a week and tell you 'been meaning to reply to your comment' and mean it. The fact I wouldn't have done so yet could have many sources: it could just be that life took precedence, that I slept awful for a week and had no brain to reply, or it could just be I had an accident and was incapacitated. But all I'd say is 'been meaning to'. It wouldn't be a lie. But you would interpret it as one if I understand you correctly?

The one thing I wonder, after reading all of this, is: what has hurt you so much to cultivate such an agressive stance on this particular topic? Because I do experience this as very agressive, borderline violent (not towards me, just in general). Zero tolerance, and then some. I may be wrong, of course. So, do correct me if it is the case.
Lishao's avatar
Hmmm....

Truth is rarely disproved because undisputed truth is verified fact that cannot be disputed. So unless there is some cosmic breakthrough on the very foundations of understanding things....what is true will most always remain true.

I'm not talking about truth as in it's hot outside today but tomorrow is cold thus the truth changes. 

Example:
You are walking up the street, somebody robs you takes your purse or money or whatever after threatening you, and run off. You get pissed grab stick or whatever chase them down beat their ass take your property and money back. Police arrest you and you go to jail.

You call me and complain how is this fair and I tell you that you were wrong to assault the guy. That is not me deciding i am right or pushing my truth or belief on anyone. It is undisputed fact and verified science that I sam right and you are wrong. It has nothing to do with my personal thoughts.

 The undisputed truth: by law you have a right to defend yourself as the threat is imminent and happening.

The threat passed when he ran off.

You created a new threat by not reporting the crime, deciding on revenge, and whooping his ass to take your stuff back. Despite the fact he committed multiple offenses against you, you committed offenses against him after the threat had passed which turns your truth of "getting my stuff my back he had no right to take" a crime in and of itself.

Nothing you have to say or feel will change the fact the course of actions you decided to take were wrong and violated the law regardless of the initial event against you. That is not "my truth" that is undisputed truth and fact that I am explaining and means that I am right with what i am saying, how i am saying, and why i am saying this.

My being right in accordance with undisputed truth has nothing to do with social norms or personal morality compass. opinions and feelings will never trump fact or undisputed truth. ever.

-----------------------------------------------

I disagree with shades of grey. You used science as an example.

FACT there is no cure for Alzheimers Disease. Bottom line. Black and white.

Grey area: there's studies and treatments happening for research on Alzheimers.

The grey area does not usurp the undisputed truth that there is no cure for Alzheimers at this time. period.

There is either a cure or there isn't one. There is no grey area acceptable. There is no "sort of cure" either there is a cure or there isn't one.

------------------------------------------------

I've been meaning to call or whatever is horseshit.

Again the undisputed truth is it takes as little as 30 seconds to send a text. If you really want to do it, you will. When you don't do it...that is you making a conscious decision not to.

Life doesn't get in the way...you made a conscious decision that something else was more important and worth your time than person x. Otherwise you would have taken as little as 30 seconds to say something or however much time you want to invest.

If you are absent for a week, that is your choices made in your life. Example: there are some comments or replies or arguments or inquiries on here directly to me...and I just X them away or ignore them. I do not pretend to "get back to the later" or come back and "read properly" or "i'm busy with work, school, life, relationships" etc.... the undisputed truth is that if I WANTED to...I could make the conscious decision to respond in some way shape or form. I chose not to. And I don't hide behind anything as a reason why I chose not. It is my conscious decision to not respond for whatever reason i feel like. not because something is preventing me.

If you got into an accident and was physically indisposed the absolutely first thing you would do as soon as you are able is either yourself or through someone else have them contact your family and your boyfriend. You would make that conscious decision because you want to. You wouldn't just randomly show up after a few days and tell your boyfriend oh i was in the hospital but i've been meaning to call you and tell you but....you life happens and i got busy and there was a marathon on netflix and rehab and blah blah sooo you know....etc. you wouldn't do that.

The point is despite everything you have going on in your life....you found however much time it took to reply to me because you made a conscious decision to do so.  The same way I am doing so now. And that is my ultimate point. If you want to do something you will or you will find a way. You won't hide behind shit or make excuses for why you haven't done something.

If you had an accident and no wishing any ill will or bad thoughts or bad juju....and you were incapacitated and showed up who knows how long later....the undisputed truth is if you really wanted me to know your status you would have found some way to communicate that to me as sure as you communicated it to other people you felt needed to know.

The action was simple: I didn't rank high on the list of people who needed to be informed immediately of your status. That's not life getting in the way or preventing you....that's a conscious decision that I am a lesser priority and at the moment at least am not part of your decision making process. If you felt otherwise, you would inform somehow.

You call it aggressive approach, I call it holding people accountable for their actions and decisions.

Lets look at your friend p.canada, made time to read your comment and skim the art submission. says they don't have time to read it properly but will. teh reality is tehy had time, they just didn't want to do it. or maybe it didnt interest them. All they really wanted to do was show support for you personally. Then they demonstrate later they have more time as they are busy else where reading and commenting on things properly. The reality is not there wasn't time or some force in life preventing from a proper read....they just simply didn't want to. or they would have.

And Like I stated earlier there are plenty fo things going on here for example I just don't want to respond to. And that's my conscious decision not to. black and white. not a grey are of life and obstacles that prevent me or hinder me from doing something i ant to...no...i just don't want to. and i admit it. And I won't hmmm insult your intelligence for lack of a better phrase by pretending i want to do something or i meant to do something but i just cant becuse of XYZ reasons and then demonstrate the very stuff i complained about else where that proves i can and do have the time or teh will to do XYZ a or ABC.

If that makes sense.

My gripe/complaint with it is people who hide behind or use or make excuses for conscious decisions as if it were not up to them to do XYZ or ABC. If you want to do something....you will. If you don't...you won't. And that is more than okay...just admit it. Most people won't admit it for a variety of reasons and I take issue with that.
----------------------------------
A simpler way of explaining this is there is a hierarchy of understanding:

FACTS - As in black and white
Universal Law - As in law that is shared by humans. human law. 
Constitutional Law - As in law that your country abides by
Federal Law - As in law that your regions abide by
State Law - As in laws that individual states abide by
Local Law - As in laws that your city or village or whatever abides by
Scientific Law (data/evidence) - As in data that proves something but has not yet been crafted into some sort of law or useable resource
Precedent Law - As in law that relies on established precedent in order to determine validity of current or future events
Inquisitive Law - As in law that allows for exigent circumstances to be considered in order to disrupt or bypass the established or of law logic and reasoning....essentially an approved grey area to be determined how to make into a black and white area. Usually a case by case basis.
Logical Law - As in law based on logical reality without regard to belief structures but also not subject higher law concepts. naked law...?

BELIEFS - As in grey areas
Social Informal Law - as in laws select groups of people instill within their communities or groups to abide by
Morality Law - As in some sort of derived moral compass or code to abide by. could also include religion if need be.
Opinion - As in what you think about something be it directly or indirectly with out regard to data or substance
Feelings - As in what something or someone personally makes you feel that causes you to respond or react emotionally 


Most often and usually things I do and say are rooted in some level of fact based law. hence black and white.


This is only an clarified explanation, not an exhibition of forced submission. Does that help understand how I operate a little better?
Nocturnaliss's avatar
Ahh by reading my own comment over, I discover this is the discussion in which I mentioned your way of expressing yourself coming across as violent. Well then. I'd honestly forgotten where I'd said it XD;

I believe the best example of such an undisputed fact becoming disputed is the fact people used to think the earth was flat. And then it was disproved.

Your example is very interesting. It is true that, in that example, the undisputed truth is that the person who assaulted his robber is in the wrong.
However, that argument only stands if you hold the law as undisputed fact. Laws are man-made; they are one's interpretation, at a time, of what is wrong and right and then made law. The undisputed truth is that it is wrong of the robber to take what is not his, with the assaultee's right to recover his property; the other undisputed truth is that it is wrong of the assaultee to assault his robber.
But even these are based on one person's interpretation of what is right and wrong. The only truly undisputed truth is that you have a person who robbed another, and the robbee assaulted the robber back and took back what was his. in essence, this is neither right nor wrong: it just is.

So even though you think your being right has nothing to do with social norms: it does. You follow society's definition of right and wrong (in this example, taking a law as your proof of undisputed truth).

- - -

In that example, I agree with you. Plain and simple.

- - -

I see your reasoning. I understand it, really. But I will have to disagree, if only because I view friendship, and ultimately the whole social aspect of life, very differently.

I can go several months without hearing my friends. I won't contact them, they won't contact me. Does that mean I am not important to them? No. Does it mean they are not important to me? No. Does it mean something else is more important than contacting one another? Yes and no.

I can only take myself as example. I am not a social person. I can have real difficulty getting back to people, especially when it comes to large discussions and/or discussions that demand a lot of brainpower.
I am also no good at starting conversations. Usually, what I think about is my writing. I may think about contacting people, sometimes, but usually I'll forget. Yes, part of it is that something 'more important' came up (again: usually, writing). But the other part of it, specific for me, is that I feel like I have always so much going on that I'm always playing catch-up. I'm not a social person; so I want to avoid getting more socialness thrown my way - at least until I'm done with the catch-up. At some point, it gets too much, and I shut the world off for a while. I postpone.
And I explain this to try and make you understand you're overlooking one aspect of the lack of communication: the emotional side of it. To you, talking to people and replying may come naturally, but to someone else it may have ramifications that make the contact hard (and not specifically with you, just in general). Sometimes, what you'd call a conscious decision is actually rife with subconscious reasonings.

Now, I won't say I find your what I call agressive approach wrong. I personally don't mind it, as I know it's your way of expressing yourself and not in any way a personal attack. But, it will certainly deter people who aren't as comfortable with their own selves - as in, who do use excuses for XYZ reasons because it's simply in their nature, at the time, to do so. Heck I do that too sometimes, and it's so I can avoid unnecesary conflict (or, sometimes, just because I don't feel well for whatever reason). With you, the nice thing is that I know I can just say things as I think them. I do like that liberty.

But, I am also aware it's really not that simple for everyone.

- - -

Ahh, that explanation makes things clearer. I'm definitely way more into the grey areas (but I guess you noticed that XD). I am interested to know what it is you mean by 'universal law', though. You say human law, but then this is divided from the law as we'd understand it - as in, laws made by countries. What do you define as human law?

The inquisitive and logical laws interest me, as well, since they seem to me like they'd rather fit into the grey areas. How do you personally define those? Do you have examples?

And, yup, that all does help to show how you operate! We may not agree on definitions, but the nice thing is that we can agree to debate XD well, I debate, you state your opinions that are right in your eyes... << seriously though, it's interesting to me to read your opinions. I'm certain we won't end up agreeing, but I find the journey stimulating XD

(and, lookit that, I finally responded to this one! Go me! :dance: )
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pawcanada's avatar
I'll admit, as someone who lost his dad twelve years ago, this does make me think a lot of the dreams I used to have where we met up and have a chat, or all the times I've wished he'd come back. The last paragraph in particular rings true as while I try not to miss him so I can move on, it's not easy.
Nocturnaliss's avatar
Sorry for your loss :/ though I can't relate to such a loss, I can try and imagine how hard it is to live without someone whom you cared about. The good times you have spent together are memories to hold on to, that have shaped your life. All you can do to honour his memory is live your life the best you can.
pawcanada's avatar
Oh I agree. Admittedly it made me very recluse and closed for the first few years, wondering how I could even carry on and cope with my life as it stands now (not helped by the fact I was about yo begin my second year of university), but I got through the tunnel and now live on the other side. It's difficult at times, but there's nothing I could do now and at times I feel the man I would have been had he not died when he did would have been a shell of who I am now.
Nocturnaliss's avatar
Understandably. A person needs time to mourn, and that time varies from person to person. I'm glad to hear you managed to complete your mourning, and that this has favourably influenced your life. Unfortunately, it seems that it is always the most negative situations that have the potential to influence us most, in a positive or negative manner. They forge our character. 
pawcanada's avatar
Oh it took me many years to do so, and a lot of therapy. As it happened when I was at university, I had to "shelve" my grief for a few years and it took a while before it was able to come out and let me begin to move on.

And sadly, I agree. It taught me a lot which I feel has and will ultimately help me in the long run. Just a shame the price had to be so high.
anonymous's avatar
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