The Huntress (Just a rough concept writing)

NiWo21k's avatar
By NiWo21k   |   
1 8 130 (1 Today)
An old road in the rural countryside. The lonely figure that is traveling along it wouldn’t have been a strange sight just a while ago, but since the day the world was overrun by an unknown demonic force, all has changed.

They appeared out of nowhere, attacked swiftly and with brutal force. No one was safe or spared and it didn’t take long until big cities were deserted. Only blood splatters around buildings and mysterious creatures, who roam the streets, are what keep us reminded of the beginning of the apocalypse.

But out strange traveler doesn’t care for what happened. She always kept to herself and her life before was already a fight for survival. The only thing that changed was the enemy. But this doesn’t really bother her. For her, the apocalypse was a blessing in disguise. It gave her a second chance. While in her past life she killed people for money, now she kills demonic beasts to help people to survive.

But she is not alone in her fight. There is still the voice in her ear and the third eye around her. She never thought one of her old acquaintances, the only one who always had her back, will be the one helping to make up for her past.

“Are you sure this is the area?”

“The Seismograph had a big spike two days ago. Last time that happened we stumbled upon that destroyed campsite.”

“Don’t remind me about that.” She replied with a grimace. “That smell and all the guts lying around were one of the worst things I ever experienced. You had the luck that your little drone has no smell sensor.”

“Look at the little soldier, I thought that was your normal perfume.” He teases her.

“Shut up. You know that I know a lot of different ways to not only kill you but also to torture you slowly over a long period of time.” She angrily replies. “But you know how these things start to smell after they are killed. That is even worse than decaying bodies.”

“Yeah, that sample you brought back was able to contaminate my workspace for quite some time – thanks again for that, you devil.”

Smiling, she replies “You are welcome. And if you don’t want to have something similar happening this time you better shut up.”

Half an hour later the stranger arrived at the edge of a small wood.

“You are now very near the center of the spike. There should be something between these trees. Looks like this time will be…”

“Quiet!” She stops him mid-sentence. Whispering she continues “This is too quiet. And that means we have company.”

With a swift motion, she grabs the little drone floating around her, turning it off and storing it away in her vest.

While she concentrates with closed eyes on her surroundings, she slowly draws a katana from her back. Gripping the hilt tight, the eyes of the small fox emblem start glowing, and strange symbols start appearing on the blade.

She stands there like a statue for 2 minutes, when the sudden sound of a breaking twig gets her attention and a twitch of her ears. Her eyes light up with a fire and with a strong push, she starts running through the trees like a ghost, only focused on one point.

Then, in front of her, a small clearing appears. On it, a beast, standing on its hind legs and reaching nearly double the size of her. Its big and sharp looking claws glistening in the light and the blood of its last victims still not dried off on its skull and long vicious teeth. Its six eyes looking around and scanning the area around it.

She doesn’t stop. Even getting quicker and with that, she runs past the beast, slicing it with her blade and disappearing behind the trees on the other side.

The demonic beast roars up, a big gash on its leg. Getting on all fours it starts running, as much as it can with its injury, chasing after her. After just getting on speed, a gunshot falls and a small explosion on its thick skull brings it out of balance. The beast stumbles crashing into the tree line in front of it, bringing down some trees with it.

Diving away from the falling trees, our wanderer concentrates the fire on the head and the eyes of the beast in front of her. With a mighty roar, the demon breaks free from its wooden prison while a hail of bullets is raining down on its forehead.

The bullets aren’t able to crack the thick skull of the beast, but its shrapnel logs into its eye sockets making it harder to see its surroundings. Trying to pinpoint its prey, the beast jumps into the direction the gunfire was coming from. Not able to see, it starts slashing around in the hope to hurt or kill what is attacking it. But to no avail, the target already rolled under it. Slicing a big chunk of meat out of his wounded leg.

The beast roars again, sounding like its screaming for help before collapsing on its front paws.
Lying there, not able to get back up on its feet, a shadowy figure appears in front of it. Trying with all force to catch it, it slashes into its direction.

Seeing the clawed hand coming towards her, she jumped on it and with a second jump got on its back. The beast roars again, shacking and grabbing behind it, to get her off it. But she grabs on to it like a rodeo rider. She holds on trying to power it out, not letting go, even as it was able to hurt her on the leg. She just ignores the pain for now.

After a few seconds of trashing, the beast slowly starts to calm down. If it’s the blood loss or just from exhaustion is not visible. But this is the moment she was waiting for. She grabs the hilt of her Katana again, and with one strong thrust, stabs it into its head, twisting it until the beast under her collapses.

She stands there a few minutes in full silence until she was sure, the demon under her feet was dead. Taking out her weapon she made one last slash, cutting off the head, just to be sure.

Sitting down at a tree near her, slowly feeling the effect of the fight on her. While treating her wound, the drone is powering up again and with it also the communication.

“… and this was the story of how I got to this god damn place.”

“Were you talking the whole time?”

“Oh, hello there. You are still alive? Of course, as always, when you just break up our connection.” He replied angrily. “And look what happened, I am not in your ear, and suddenly when you come back, you are hurt.”

“Yeah, yeah. But your nagging would be a constant distraction. Or maybe I should use you next time as bait.”

“You never would. Who else would be able to give you the intel to find your way through this world? You would never find someone as capable as me again. Especially someone who is able to cope with your mood. So, forget even thinking about it.”

“Then maybe I just use your little drone here.”

“Hey, I dare you to use out little Firefly as a demon chow. It took a lot of work, effort, and magical mishaps to get this thing even to the point we are now.”

“You are right.” She looks up in the air and following the little drone inspecting the corpse in front of her. “So, what do you think about this one? It was a new one.”

“Its bigger than some you fought before, but I don’t think this was the cause of the spike. I think this one just appeared with some of the others.”

“But if this one wasn’t the cause, and we didn’t saw anything that was towering over this place, what else could have made these readings?”

“I don’t know. But while you were fighting and ignoring me, there was another one. I checked the maps of this region, and there is a smaller clearing just a little bit further into this wood. Maybe we will find some answers over there?”

“Ok, let me take a break and get back some of my energy before we continue further.”

“You used that sword again, didn’t you? At some point, it will kill you.”

“No, it will not, or at least not the sword itself. You heard what they said. It's just boosting some of my abilities and enables me to kill these things – it just needs a lot of my own energy. And if we are able to complete the magical enhancement this will not happen anymore. We just have to search and hope.”

“As stubborn as always.” He replies.
Sitting there, she starts cleaning the blade. The glowing symbols are gone again, and it looks again like a normal piece of weapon. She always thinks back to what happened and how she came into its possession. It gave her a second chance. A chance to amend for some of the things she did in her past life.

An hour later, with a cleaned blade and a wrapped leg, she was ready to venture deeper into the wood. But before she gets back on her way, she went back to the corpse that started to smell in a very bad way. Luckily, she was standing with the wind, so the whiff wasn’t that strong to her.

She took out a small pair of pliers and broke off a part of one of the teeth of the beast.

“You can’t live without getting your price.” The voice on the intercom sights.

“It’s a reminder for me, that I survived another Battle in this end world.”

Walking through the under grove she was getting close to the clearing and with every step, the sounds that are coming from this direction are getting louder. But these aren’t from animals or beasts. It sounds like there was a camp.

Getting into cover, she took out her rifle and checks the perimeter.

Through her scope, she sees an actual small camp. People working and going through their everyday life. She was baffled how they could maintain a campsite like this at this place without getting noticed by any of these demonic beings.

Slowly flying over the whole site something suddenly caught her attention. At one corner of the camp was a small group of people gathered around someone who was drawing something with a stick into the ground. It was like something told her to stop at this point and she continued looking at this gathering when suddenly the ground started to glow.

“Bingo!” she muttered to herself.

“What did you find?”

“A little red fox.” She smiled “Or better, someone who might can help us to find out a little bit more.”

Her scope now targets the small redheaded woman in the group who is sitting on a small folding chair, pouting and looking quite unhappy about something.

[To be continued…]
© 2019 - 2020 NiWo21k
This is a story that once came to mind after reading the little and amazing comic "Replay" by "NotImportant"
She has a big world, but for the moment leaves a lot to the imagination of the reader.

And so this little story came to be in my head. A story about a character that might live in this world, and also might be able to interact with the heroes of the story, or just keep its distance.

But let's be honest. This story was just put down because some wanted to see what was behind a little silly drawing I once did. And because no one shut up about me writing another story, I did this last one, just to show the people, I am not capable of creating and writing a story. I am not an artist, I am just someone who had a bad idea, nothing more ;)

So please check out the real artist that brought me this awful idea, and support her. Replay is really a wonderful comic and deserves all the praise it gets :)
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Refugnic's avatar
RefugnicHobbyist Writer
A little hint about punctuation (which I only learned about fairly recently):
The period shall be replaced by a comma, if it terminates direct speech and is followed by a describing sentence.
This applies to both German and English, actually, only that in German, EVERY personal speech, which is followed by a describing sentence, needs a comma, whereas in English, it's just the period becoming the comma.

"Wo willst du hin?", fragte Simon. (Questionmark remains, comma separator)
"Ach, nur die Straße runter", antworte Mark. (Period got replaced by the comma separator).

"Where are you going?" Simon asked. (No comma)
"Oh, just down the street," Mark replied (period => comma)

I keep struggling with that rule myself, no clue whoever made that up. :D

What's more, which time is this written in?
Present tense or past tense?
I'm not entirely sure, to be honest, you keep switching.

The way you started out, I'd opt for 'past tense', as in: This story already happened and now somebody is telling it. (Narrator style)

Heh...I know exactly which scene you are referring to at the end.
Now wouldn't that be funny, if the barrier Ada made would repel her?

But then again, little Miss Sunshine is not out to hurt her, is she?

Now, as for my actual review, I'll keep it brief.
Your craft is still lacking (naturally), you keep mixing up words, times and your grammar had me stopping a number of times.

As for content...why would she pack the drone away after noticing that 'something was out there'?
A drone is generally used for one of two reasons:
Reconnaissance and attack.

Now, she assumed that 'something was out there'.
Wouldn't it have been best to just send the drone up for a little scouting mission?
Potentially getting the scans on a tablet or something?

Whats more...most demons usually do not bother with 'stealth'.
From what I know, they act a lot like dinosaurs.
Meaning that the large ones don't try to be 'quiet' or 'unnoticed' (that's the job of the smaller, smart ones).
They just crash the party and devour whatever they stir up. (I'm thinking about the T-Rex here).

That she would have to wait for two minutes until 'the demon' (who isn't supposed to be aware of 'a threat') gives himself away seems a little strange.

The concept itself however is fairly solid and I see no major problems with the background information.

So...it would appear that her blade is not 'the real deal', huh?
Possibly a replica of the blades Rob and Ada have, only that, instead of drawing their power from the grand Ether, it draws its energy from the user...a dangerous blade, to be sure.

But better to die a little each day...than die early because you're too afraid to use the weapon that kills you.

Well then...all in all, it's a good start.
It raises questions, while telling us quite a bit about our protagonists.
Leaves you hanging for more, which is very important for 'a beginning'.

Who are 'they'? (Who made that blade? And why does she have it?)
Who is 'on the controls of the drone'? And how do they operate it? (Seeing how electricity and therefor wireless communication might be a bit hard to come by during the apocalypse).
I mean, they are probably using a satellite (which would probably not have been affected, being in Orbit and all that), but really...who the heck are these people?
NiWo21k's avatar
I think even spelling programs have a problem with this rule ;)
And let's face it, there are a lot of rules out there, that make no god damn sense but are still there ^^

It was planed in the present, but I am honest, in the end, I really didn't care anymore. I just wanted it out so we can close this chapter for good, and as you stated this is awfull ;)

Who knows what happens, I think you might have some ideas, so be my guest - but I never planed that these two are "enemies", more "frenemies" :D

I cut away a lot of what I might have put in there, but lets put it this way, there are reasons for what she does and no, the "stealth" part wasn't meant that the demons are stealthy. She is just using her good hearing to try and find the source of the sound and get more acquainted with her surroundings. And having someone constantly blabbering in her ear just distracts her - so think why she might have put the little drone away ;)
But as we already stated so many times, what do I know about story writing, nothing, so what I wrote is 100% wrong, as always ;)

I will leave it to your imagination because I won't tell anything more about it, and yes, all the points you mentioned I have an explanation for - hell why do you think I looked into it what weapons she might use ^^
From the way they are communicating, how their equipment works (you are right, that this is not very easy), about the blade and why they are looking for magic users. And believe me, the ideas I had about these two meeting each other, were very interesting - especially because of their two personalities :D

Let's face it, its, as you stated, a mess - and that is what I wanted to prove, I cant create something enjoyable. I mean come on, you are saying for yourself you weren't able to read it in one go: Just admit it, its worthless garbage - I can see from your words, you tried to find positive things, but are no really standing behind them ;)

And after NI has her day with this, it will be over, once and for all ^^
Refugnic's avatar
RefugnicHobbyist Writer
With that I can agree.
A lot of rules make no sense.

There are even laws that don't make a lick of sense these days, but are still in effect.

I cannot agree with your statement that I 'said it is awful' though.
I did not.
I said it has problems.
Every story has problems, some bigger, some smaller.

And let's not forget, that you are a beginner.
You have yet to develop a proper feeling for 'what works'.
For the many pitfalls that a writer can encounter.

But I did not say it is awful.

Well, if she bore them ill will, the barrier should have repelled her, that's all I said.

In present day, there's a similar situation.
A new face appears in the camp...which has the potential to do some real damage to 'Ada and Robert'...and therefor the entire camp.
Not necessarily because she bears them ill will.
But just because 'she is there'.

The operator and her have been working together for a while, right?
As such, he would know 'when to shut up', wouldn't he?

And 'not everything'.
I just caught something I considered 'strange' and told you about it.
That's all.

I expected that you have answers to these questions. ;)

No, not in one go, that is true.
But not because it is 'absolute garbage'.
I had a review to write after all, as such I needed to look for details. :D

But sure, let's hear what NI has to say about this one.

I still stand by what I said though: You (and your stories) do have potential.
You just need more practice.
And yes, a lot more.

If you are unwilling to walk that path, that is your choice.
I would consider it a shame, but it is not my decision.
NiWo21k's avatar
I think a lot of rules, like a lot of laws, come from another time. Now I am not saying they are wrong, but you can't use them anymore, because language evolved, but we never thought also to evolve its rules. And so we are always standing in front of these problems and are wondering, why the hell it is this way ^^

But you have to agree, my problems are big, I mean my whole concept has problems and make not a lick of sense, ad on top the grammatical problems you have something awful ;)

Oh, I don't forget that, but, how long do I try it now? I had not one single positive thing in all of these pages I wrote. Every beginner has these little achievements where they can see, that the work they put into it was actually worth it. In my case? As you stated yourself, there was not one single sign of improvement. It only went downwards :/

Oh, I knew what you meant ^^ I just wanted to say, that I never intended her to be such a person, I just wanted to have someone who can take Ada up in her "hardheaded ways" - I mean, as much as I love Replay and how NI is writing it, I just miss a counterpart to her. You know, someone who might be similar in many ways, but also very different. Robert is the puzzle piece she needs to stay in control, but I wanted someone who could be friends with her, even if they clash a lot of times but more in a sportsmanlike way - if that makes any sense ^^

And tbh, I never wanted her to go into the camp, more her following them, and when they get separated or distracted she might get in touch - or in the beginning she is more someone helping from the backlines and working her way in parallel ways until their ways really cross - actually I thought when these two are on their way to a city or something (even at the beginning we knew this might happen at some point).

Yes and no. I mean yes, if you go by logic the operator would keep quiet. But maybe it's his way to cope with all of this, being alone and his only "friend" is out there. 
And there is also the second part - even if he keeps quiet, the drone would still make a lot of noise - I have one of the small Parrot drones that are not bigger than your hand - this thing makes a noise you think a hornet's nest just awoke in your house O.O
And its the only thing keeping the communication up. But also, she loves just cutting the connection (also in her early life) so it became his way of coping with that too - again, I know it makes not a lick of sense, as usual.

And that is the problem. My ideas are just strange and dumb. So I am not even capable to make even a little bit of sense, or give the impression it makes sense around the story. So what should I think if you point these things out as a problem - that is why I said you found it awful.

Yeah, no, I don't think you did ;) 
I mean you once said to me, you think I don't continue to write because I have no ideas - or was that NI - shit now I don't remember :o

I will let you answer that question with your own words :D
"...and your grammar had me stopping a number of times..."
So don't give me that ;)

NI will decide, but I don't think I will hear from her again - this is exactly the situation that always came - they wanted to read something, they read it, they cut of connections. And even NI will do that, even if she said no.

Yeah, tell yourself that :/
It would be nice, but as we already established now how many times - I am not capable of writing a story.
How long should I write garbage until you accept that fact? Again, you always tell me this but also tell me my work is bad. Not one of my stories was written in a way that you could say it was readable or fun to follow. You always said, it was hard to read, it was problematic, or even took the story completely apart. I only see you bringing down every little bit (and the whole concept) and then just end with you have to practice more. But then next time you tell me the same god that thing. I wrote now a lot of stuff since you read my first story. And now? Nothing changed, it went from bad to worse, to bottom of the barrel and deeper in your eyes :/

So how would continue writing help in your mind? You always say it would be a shame, but how can it be, if there is nothing that can be called at least not as bad as the bottom of the barrel?
I am just asking?

And no, I don't need someone telling me "You did great" or "keep that up" - that would be a straight lie. For me, I just want to know, is there something that improved or not, something to concentrate on, but this is one thing you actually never answered. And that is why I don't want to write anymore. Because If there is nothing improving, and just getting worse, why waste the time with it?

And that is what I try to explain to you.
Refugnic's avatar
RefugnicHobbyist Writer
The concept itself is not bad, I believe I explicitly said so.

What you really need to work on is the way you use the words to describe what's going on in your head.
And yes, I know that this often is very hard.

I did not say that.
Besides, progress is rarely 'fast'.
It's a lot like growth: You see your child every day and only notice how much they've grown one you try to fit their favorite clothes and realize that they don't fit any more.
It's the same for improving your writing.

You don't really see yourself how much you've improved, because it's itsy bitsy tiny steps.

Only by stepping back and actually looking at some sort of reference (like for example something you wrote way back), you realize just how far you've come.

You've been trying for...what, a few months now?
A year maybe?

You have yet to establish a 'frame of reference'

Besides, it's dead wrong to write just to do someone else a favor anyway.
You are expecting to fail, thus you put less effort in it (because you expect it to suck anyway, so why bother?), which is why the results is not as good as it could be.
You need to write because you want to express yourself.
Because you have a story to tell.

Not for anyone else, but for you first and foremost.

How do you expect others to love what you do, when you can't even love it yourself?

But I believe I already told you that one a number of times as well.

Hmm...well, we have Sofia as a 'sort of rival for Robert's affection' and now there's 'Julia' who knows way more about magic and is quite the looker herself...which is why I said that she has the potential of upsetting this delicate balance between 'the witch and her knight'.
What I'm trying to say is...it would appear that NI had the very same idea as you did, only that she chose another witch as pendant, instead of 'a cold blooded killer looking to make amends'.

Naturally they'd need to go to a city at some point.
Supplies are an issue after all, and most of stuff like clothes and medicine etc. can only be found in cities.

Hmm...I wonder though: What is she eating, if she's not with any group of survivors?
Is she hunting animals and foraging the forests for food?

One question: Is this 'operator' a trained professional, who has been working with her in the past, or is it 'that normal guy with some tech knowledge, whom she just happened to save'?
If it's the latter, his behavior makes a lot more sense.

The noise level of the drone is a factor I did not account for, I'll give you that.
I was under the impression that these things are pretty quiet or at least operate at distances, where their noise is not as much of an issue any more (like 100 meters away or more).
But even if they are pretty loud, they'd still make for a great distraction.
The drone takes flight in one corner, while the actual danger moves to attack from another.

Sure, you will know that 'something' is out there, but demons aren't trained professionals either.
They would not know, what this strange device is...or what its presence would mean.
But if she doesn't work that way, that's the way it is. Period.
You are writing that story, not me.

You should think that I don't know what YOU are thinking.
You have reasons to write things the way you do I don't know about.
They were not apparent to me in that context, which is why I pointed it out as 'possible fault'.
It's a lot like static code analysis.

The program scans your code and tells you about 'possible ways the code might not perform as intended'.
A great help in finding programming errors.
In the code analysis there is, however, the term of the 'false positive'.

Meaning that what the tool tells you about will never be a problem (because it cannot happen) or because the behavior is actually intended, etc.
The point is: The tool can help you find problem you didn't think about. But it does not know your intentions.

And with me it is just the same.
I see something and ask questions.
If you have answers to them, all's good.
That's all there is to it.

Don't think that every question I ask or point I raise is an attack at your story.
My word is not the law and my opinion is not 'the absolute truth'.

I don't think I ever claimed that you were 'lacking ideas'.

Well, of course there was also that. Most of the details I told you about were about your grammar. :P

I wonder about that.
Though I would be surprised quite a bit if she acted that way.
That's just not the kind of person I believe her to be.

And each time, I also tell you what I liked.
Sure, I see problems, but they don't just 'disappear' like that.

I think you have the basics of storytelling down (how much 'bad' did I have to say about the actual content of the story this time?)
What you need to work on most right now is your craft and that means spelling and grammar.
I don't know why you struggle so much with these two, but most of the 'bad', most of the little hiccups along the way is not what the words express.
It's the errors in spelling and grammar.

But we've been over this one before too.
The fun thing is, I've seen one piece where you actually improved dramatically in terms of your craft.
There were barely any spelling or grammar errors in there and it made for nice and fluent reading.
You can do it...though it appears to be very hard for you.

And as for 'improving'...as I said, it's a very slow progress and you cannot really see it 'just like that'.
The concept and the characters were interesting enough, you raised some interesting questions and you defined the protagonist.

All in all, content wise, I see very little wrong with what you wrote.
NiWo21k's avatar
The problem is, that you say that so often, and then take apart the whole concept, so... what do you think I think about that ;)
Just asking :D

Oh, I think you misunderstood me. Of course, you won't see an immediate change, but normally you might see something happening, be it from the ideas, from taking a step back from dumb ideas - just small things. Even a little glimpse of something. And that is what never happened, and that you have said many times :/

Maybe, but as I stated many times, I want to enjoy with others, I am not someone who just could write or do something just for himself. I know that is something you don't like, but that is the truth.

And of course. When I started I had a lot of fun, but then was told that everything I ever did was just shit, worthless garbage. Heck, even you said it a few times (ok, not in that form). I had an idea in my head, that sounded like something fun to write, but seeing how bad I am, how shit my ideas are, how boring everything around it, this fun just went down. And yes, at some point I didn't care anymore, because why write something that is worthless, and no one would like to enjoy with me :( Even if I went into it with the same energy, let's face it, it never would be better than the worthless garbage that it is :(

So tell me, how can I love something, I know it will be hated in every way and no one out there will ever even have fun with it?

And you and NI wanted to know about this character, so I said, ok, you will say its shit, and NI won't talk with me again - so yeah, just put it down. I just wrote down what was in my head. And as we see, you took it apart, and NI, I don't know if she read it or not. 


You misunderstood me in this case. Yes, you are right about Sophia and Julia, but I had a completely other idea. It was more the way, that these two come in contact, and Ada has the completely wrong idea about what goes on... Ah, how to explain... The problem is that I have some really good examples, but they wouldn't work, because you don't know the characters -.- 
Let's leave it at that, you are right, I have no idea - it was a dumb concept again :(

Of course, it was clear they would go somewhere "big" - that is why I never wanted these two to come in contact early. And because I never wanted to get into NIs way, I wanted to make these "meetings" only in a way that it could or never could happen in the "real" story.

Yeah, that actually was something I wanted to come back - I needed something that makes sense, and give also their overall situation a little more sense. They use an old bunker - I mean, they know about such stuff, from their pasts - partly they live from old provisions, but also try to cultivate some other things. Now don't start with logistics. I don't think they would have gone big, but just enough so they can sustain their life, and also scavenge the rest from their tours. I thought this way you can create some small stories with and without other characters and get to know more of the world besides the Replay-Storyline. I mean NI gave us a lot of hints.

Her partner... ok, again, I thought if I would know a character that would give you an idea what I had in mind, but there is only one that I could think of, but that one would be just too crazy.
Lets put it this way. He is great with electronics, has a lot of knowledge tinkering and creating stuff (i.e. NERD) but also very good in coordinating stuff. He is not a real "professional" but because of story reasons, he was the only one she would work with. I think I would have to write their whole past, to explain what kind of person he is.

Yeah a lot of people think that - heck even I thought that at first O.O
Here I did a 50-second video of that small one I have, so you have an idea how much noise they really do: youtu.be/d6_Oa26zM3I

Your assumption is correct in some way, but this little one was designed, to stay near her. Yes, they could use it for a higher range, but only for a very short while.
And of course you could use it as a distraction, but I ask you... have you really read the story? Even if it was very short, I gave a hint ;)

“Then maybe I just use your little drone here.”

“Hey, I dare you to use out little Firefly as a demon chow. It took a lot of work, effort, and magical mishaps to get this thing even to the point we are now.”

Listen, you are the "more" (so you don't think I see you as a god ^^) professional writer. So what you say weights more than what I think about. And you are the only one who read my stuff and suffered. If I can't convince you, I can't convince anyone. So yes, what you say is right, and what I do is wrong, very easy ;)

Of course, you have no idea, but this is one thing I have to say I personally think, is a big flaw from you. Now let's take my garbage to the side here, but If you start questioning things from the start, and don't give it a chance to maybe come back later, you will never enjoy a story. Of course, I could have written everything in there, but then would this story not get too long? Maybe some of the stuff would come later?

But again, that is just me. I know your brain works differently and yes, I understand the example you gave me, but I find it really strange, just saying.

I mean we come back to our most beloved topic "cloaks" - You always tell me it makes no sense, but if you look into history, cloaks were used a lot of times in all different kinds of ways. To hide, to keep away from the weather, like fashion. There are a lot of stories and movies out there who use it. One of my most beloved stories "Spice and Wolf" uses it in an amazing way. And I just watched The Rise of the Shield Hero" where at the beginning its also used - in both stories it's used to hide who they are, but the cloaks they use are something everyone uses. So no one really gets suspicious. Sorry for the sidetrack - but this just gave me the opportunity to get back to this topic again - and I think I could even go on...

As I said, because you are the only one who read it, and is someone who knows what they do, your words hold truth. So If you think an idea doesn't work, it just means, it doesn't work and its dumb, nothing more. I am not mad with you, to point it out. It just shows me, that even if I try to investigate options that might work in my way, that I just don't have any clue what I do - so yes, for me what you say is the right thing, nothing more - I just hate myself for just wasting so much time in thinking about something.

Yes, but this makes it not better. Because if you can't read it because of grammar, and then get to points where you question what is written there, it just means, the whole thing failed - and we only have 4 pages written down here.

Listen, a lot of people I didn't think would react a way they did. So I cant tell, but for me, its the way everyone reacted until now, so why should it be any different here :/

We went through that a lot of times, and its something I cant learn. I used spelling and grammar tools and they say it's ok. But As we already stated I am not a very intelligent person :(
And seeing you say on one hand the story itself looks fine, but then take apart of the parts of the concept just let me question what you really think...
Refugnic's avatar
RefugnicHobbyist Writer
How did I 'take apart the whole concept'?
Did I claim the 'life sucking sword' to be impossible?
Did I claim that 'killing the demons with it' is impossible?
Did I claim that her entire being is impossible?

The only thing I considered strange was, that she would stash the drone prior to combat instead of using it for recon.
Now, how did I 'take apart the whole concept'?

I did not say such a thing.
Because it's really hard to measure and compare ideas like that.
I can tell that your grammar and spelling have improved only slightly, but that's academic.
They are 'the same' for every piece of writing.

Ideas and concepts cannot be compared as easily.

I did not say that you MUST not share it with others.
There's nothing wrong with wanting to share.
All I'm saying is, that the act of writing itself should be fun...not just the 'sharing with others'.

A little food for thought: How about finding yourself a collab partner?
Preferably someone who is also just starting out.
Make a story together. Exchange ideas, develop concepts, make a plan.
And then, once the plan is sound, get to executing it.

You can either take turns writing (which is what me and a writer called April Dawson did for Tisis way back) or you could agree that the partner does the writing and gives you 'a honorary mention for helping'.
Considering your self-esteem, the latter might be the better.
That way you could actively participate in the creation of a story, while not needing to write it yourself.
Which takes your craft out of the equation.

...you know what, I know that feeling.
I know it all too well, actually...and it is nauseating.
This feeling of 'Why bother, if people aren't going to appreciate it anyway?'

I was asked to crochet something for my son...I put quite a bit of effort and time into it...and today, the one who basically shoved the task into my face just took what I had...and ripped it to pieces, saying, 'This looks like shit, I'll just do it myself.'
So yeah, I know the feeling.
I sometimes bring my work laptop back home to tinker around...but even though I did have some time today...and ideas about what I could do...it just failed like a 'wasted effort', because 'people won't appreciate it anyway'.
So yeah, I know the feeling.

And it's the worst.
Getting told that you can't do anything right and the things you do are worth- and pointless.

But I still bring that laptop back home, even though it brings about nothing but conflict.
In the hope of getting out of that funk and create something 'that's fun to make' again.
Instead of wasting away hours upon hours doing something stupid and pointless.

I did not say that 'the idea is dumb'.
I don't even KNOW the idea, how can I tell it to be dumb?
And finally...the beauty of fanfiction is, that it does not have to 'fit into the storyline'.
I mean, did you read the pieces I wrote?

They are strictly located 'off-screen', mostly at points, NI will most likely not visit herself.
The most recent two are actually exception, because not only they are set 'in the present', but also have a very strong connection to 'what recently happened in the comic'.
Usually I stay clear of the canonic storyline.
To allow my little 'headcanon' to exist along the real story.

A bunker is a good choice.
They are built to withstand bombardment and even a siege, which makes them largely self-sustaining (with water recycling, etc.)
Bad news is, that demons don't need to use the front door.
They can just pop up in the middle of nowhere (as Renate found out the hard way)

Ah, MacGyver just without the action scenes, I see. :P

Haha, yup, that is a noisy one.
Still, I think with increasing height, the noise becomes the smallest issue...but then again, I'm not exactly Tom Clancy, so what do I know? :)

Yes, I did read that part.
Most notably the 'magical mishaps' part was intriguing.
You also said, that it's the only thing 'keeping the communication alive', which would suggest that they aren't using regular radio to stay in touch.

As I said, you do raise some interesting questions.

And a 'distraction' does not mean 'demon chow'!
It's much like throwing a stone to make your enemies look another way so you can sneak up to them and give them a good whacking.

...'experienced'. Not 'professional'. A professional writer makes a living with his writing, I don't.
I just pursue it as a hobby.
And your opinion is worth just as much as mine.
Even more so, because you know so much more about the story than I ever will...because it is your story.

I question things I consider 'strange'.
That does not mean that I expect these questions to be answered 'straight away'.
But I expect them to be answered 'eventually'.
I do expect quirks like that to come back, lest you have a 'Checkhov's gun' at your hands, which you should avoid.

You are not required to give everything away right at the start.
Quite on the contrary, that would be quite the fallacy on your part.
After all, it's these 'unanswered questions' that keep the audience interested in the story.
And only after all those questions are answered, you get to close the book and be done with the story.

And yes, I also tend to overlook/forget some of the questions I raised.
So sue me. :P

If the weather is bad or everyone wears them anyway, they don't make you suspicious, most definitely.
But if you're the only one to wear one in the middle of the day with no rain whatsoever to be seen...it tends to raise a 'what is this person trying to hide'-flag in people.
I'm not saying that cloaks don't work.
I'm just saying that 'sneaking around like a thief looking for an entrance' may make an observer needlessly suspicious. :P

And I keep telling you that I cannot know everything.
I cannot think of everything.
And just because I don't understand everything 'right away' doesn't mean that it's incomprehensible.
A smarter person might well 'get it' right away.
Cause you see, and while you seem to think so, I am actually not particularly smart.
Not particularly dumb either, but outside of my field of expertise, I'm pretty much helpless.

...you do know, that it's kinda my job to question what you've written, right?
That's what a reviewer does. Ask questions they don't find an answer for in what's written.
If you say, 'Yeah, that'd get addressed later', that's a perfectly valid response.
Even 'Ah shoot, didn't think of that' is valid, if it prompts you to think about it and formulate an answer.

The grammar still needs work though, no way around it.

As I said, that's just not the way I consider her to be.
And you didn't expect me to stick around this long either, did you?

Sometimes things are better than we expect.

Tools can help you, but they lack intelligence and feeling for the language.
Those are things you need to develop yourself. Within yourself.

As I said before: Every story has problems.
Some are bigger.
Some are smaller.

And you have yet to learn something it seems: The word of the author makes the rules of the world.
If Firefly can't move far from the huntress for reasons, that's the way it is.
If the sword sucks her life force, that's the way it is.
If the sky turns purple when she cries, that's the way it is.

It's your world. It's your rules.
Just stick to them once you laid them down and you'll be fine.

And getting asked questions is not 'taking apart the concept', it's 'getting asked questions', for which you may or may not have prepared answers.
If you did, the question itself proves, that 'raising it' worked.
If you did not, it is a pointer about what you have yet to address.

I am not attacking you.
I am trying to help you.
NiWo21k's avatar
You know, for me hearing you question everything is just a bad sign, that I wasn't able to distract you from that and at least give you something to enjoy - so I am not saying it's you who is destroying the story, it is myself who wasn't able to write it in the right way. That is all.

If I had explained it from the beginning, you wouldn't have questioned it - so I destroyed my story from the beginning.

No, they definitive can't - and I never said that. But you can see if an idea might bring out something interesting or is directly on its way down the drain (I mean look at all the shit movies that are out there ^^)

And that was it at the beginning. When I wrote the first stories I had a lot of fun writing them, and I was looking forward to hearing from others if they thought the concept was worth following up - A stupid thought, and seeing how much it was destroyed, a really dumb thing to do.

Yeah, nice idea - but no, thanks. First off, after seeing the stuff I did, no one would really want to work with me - I mean, if nobody was able to read these stories or even had to cut communications with me - there is no way someone even remotely would think about that - My work is just too bad, heck, I think you are the only one who ever slightly said, they might want to read more ;)

And in the end, if it was interesting, the other person would just steal the idea and tell it's their own - very easy in my case because people think, it wasn't my idea from the beginning.

Listen, I just wanted to have fun with others. At first, I had hoped you might enjoy my stories, and I could continue, knowing you are interested in what I write. Knowing how hard it is, to read my stuff, I know it was something stupid to hope. I just don't want that. I just don't want to bother you with something that bad. You don't deserve reading stuff that is below beginner level.

Yeah, but you are able to cope with it because you already have done something worth it. I never have done something good in my whole life. And getting told right in the face, my work is just a big disgrace to everything, is just making it worse. 

As I said a little earlier, it's actually easy to spot good from bad ideas. And as I always have dumb ideas, I don't think this is any different here :)

I know, but that is something I didn't want to do. As I said, I liked the idea of someone trailing them, giving a different view of the situation that is happening. You know a stranger who is just recalling everything without changing the original story, just adding a little bit.

Of course, you are right that they can enter and exit when they like, but don't you think they might have an idea what to do to avoid that? ;)

Yeah, something like that :P

As I said, it makes sense to use them this way, and of course, I thought the question would come as in "How could they use a drone?" and "How do they communicate?"
At first, I didn't think to get some info in there to give an idea, but in the last second, I thought, it would be good to give away a little bit, that there is more than meets the eye ;)
And that part you are intrigued was an idea for an own little story to tell how they tried magic for the first times and why. I mean it would have been a fun little thing :)

Oh, and yes you are right, that doesn't mean that - I give you that, but (ok, that is something you can't know if you never had a drone), they are not only really noisy buggers, but they are also really slow (if they are not tweaked for racing reasons ^^) - Now we don't know too much about the strength and speed of the demons, but we know they are at least able to keep up with someone on a motorcycle and rip people apart (and that is only the smaller ones - lets face it, we haven't even heard much about the towering ones we saw in one of the photos that we once saw on that tactic table). So, I just don't feel like they would make good distractions, maybe for a few seconds, but then it's just lying in pieces ^^

Ok, "experienced" if that is more after your liking :P
And no, my opinion hasnt that much weight. Yes, its my story, but you are the one who knows what makes a good story.
I mean I could have "Dr. Who"ed the whole thing - that would be one of the worst things everyone could come up with (heck it's like a Deus Ex Machina ^^). I could have stood behind it, but its still garbage.

Yeah, but it makes the whole writing/reading a story a little bit pointless, dont you think. Now I am not saying you dont need to think about such things, but asking them in this early stage is a little bit strange - ok, in my case it makes sense.

Nah, but I just have no clue how, because I think about all until the end, so I have no idea how an "experienced" writer can forget something ;)

Ok, I think its not the cloak art that is bothering you, its the sneaking part - Now what does "sneaking" mean for you? Something like in videogames (as in Assassins Creed) or more like staying out of sight or blending in you surroundings that you dont make yourself a big red light everyone sees? ;)
For me its the latter :P

No, I am not saying you are dumb, I am just saying, if someone questions everything, then somethign went wrong :/
Raising questions is good - you want the reader to continue and not bore him (I mean you only give away what they need to know now) - but if you only raise questions and not distract with everything else, then you are doing it wrong - that is what I say. My work is just bad.

And yes, I know what you mean, but then again - telling you that would be explained later, can only work for a little bit - after that is just sounds like an excuse and no one would ever believe you that you have a plan.

Yeah, but you dont want to see a failure under your belt, that is why you stick around - I mean admit it ;)
And I dont know, but that is the reason why I never came up with this. It just came up because of a different thing  did -.-

Yeah, but if you arent able to learn that, and tools dont help, you are just lost, and shouldnt do this :/

Of course, I never denied that - there is no perfect story.
Problem is just, my stories are just one big problem :(

Of course they are my rules, but as I said, there are things that make sense, and then there are the things that make no sense. And if you write a story in the world of another person, you have to try to keep in a specific rule set, so it doesnt go too far from it origins - in NIs case: We know there is magic, we know there are a lot of possibilities you can do with magic, but more in a way as an adition or as a tool to make your life easier. So you have to keep in these boundries, or try to not sway too much away from them.

I know, and I never said you are attacking me, I am just saying your question make me think about how bad I am in telling a story...
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